Heard From Sibling

[GettingOOTF]

I have been strictly NC with my siblings for a while now. I know this is the NC with parents board but I’m NC with my siblings because of my father (mother passed away long before any NC).

I am now NC with my father as well. The decision to go NC was a lifetime in the making and something I gave a lot of thought to before I enacted.  My story is pretty similar to everyone else’s. I  grew up in a highly abusive environment with addiction issues. I was the scapegoat.

I have spent the last few years in intensive therapy, reading and other forms of self-discovery to get where I am today which is a pretty good place. I was also, like many of us who grew up in these homes, in an abusive marriage. My ex was diagnosed with BPD. I had serious codependency issues, black and white thinking, no self esteem and what I’ve come to learn through this group something known as Fleas. I’ve worked very hard on all of those things and I no longer recognize the person I was before I started therapy.

My siblings refused to cut contact with my BPD ex who used them to keep tabs on me, they also followed my father’s lead in being cruel and dismissive of me.

My middle sibling is in a terribly abusive, controlling marriage with a man who cheats on her and physically abuses her. She is deep, deep in the FOG.  We both always saw the truth of our family but after my mother passed away she clung to my father and now sees him as doing no wrong. She says things like “well all families have issues”. She won’t hear a word spoken against my father and now denies all the things that went on in our home growing up.

Well today she reached out to me via email. It was a short email and started with “I know you want nothing to do with your family but” the rest said how she was reaching out given the frightening times and hoped I was well.

I’m not sure whether to respond or not. She has various OCD issues and worries a lot about everything so I know she’s scared right now. I also know her husband, who will be on the front lines of this crisis, will only be stoking these fears.

We always got along and I do miss her but the flip side is she and her marriage drama caused me a lot of stress and triggered my codependent tendencies. we are in different time zones and I’d wake up each morning to these texts about simply awful things. It wore me down.

I’m not sure if I should respond. The opening to her email was kind of sh@tty I think. It seems aggressive and defensive, so I don’t know that her motives are pure.

I also don’t want to get dragged into a discussion about my father which I feel is inevitable. I feel that as long as he is alive there isn’t hope of a relationship with my siblings.

I don’t know if I should send a response or not. I do know that it would have taken a lot for to reach out and I appreciate that BUT I feel better about myself being NC. My family never had a nice or supportive thing to say to or about me, I was always the butt of all jokes with them.

I feel free to be myself, be proud of myself and no longer ashamed of the things I like to do now my family is no longer in my life. It was like a huge weight had been lifted.

All that said, I do feel a pull to respond to my sister. I know I said earlier in my thread that we always got along but now I’m Out of the FOG I see we didn’t really, she was simple less abusive than the rest.

Therapy etc. has given me some insight into how we end up as we do and I see she really had no chance growing up the way she did. I was largely ignored by the family while my two siblings were very enmeshed. I think this dynamic allowed me to “escape” more easily. I feel like I should cut her some slack.  Is this FOGgy thinking?

She is in a part of the word where they have the virus totally under control and given the laws of the country and the lifestyle of the people it’s highly unlikely to spread the way it has in other places but I have been worried.

Again I know there is no chance at a relationship with her while remaining NC with the others but now I’m second guessing everything (other than NC with my father. That I’m 100% on).

I can’t discuss this with any friends. They will say how nice it was she reached out and encourage me to get back in touch.

[nanotech]

Be very careful. You will be vulnerable at the moment..
she may be looking to you to take responsibility for her safety, and you can't.
I've been where you are with family.
None of my siblings have tried to get in touch with me. Think they've given up.
I'm not sure any reconnection would be in your interests, especially after how far you come - you're out of it!
I actually laugh now, at the things I did for my siblings, while taking emotional abuse from them. I had to come Out of the FOG to see it.
I still see my dad but it's on my terms and I've got him to accept that- if abuse were to begin again I would finish that relationship too.
We only have one life.

[GettingOOTF]

Wow nanotech you make some really good points I hadn't thought of.

You are right she may be looking to me to take responsibility for her safely.

Also I really reacted to your point that I was out of it now. I was seeing responding as moving forward but now I see it could also be a giant step back.

I also did so much for my family while being abused. It's only recently that I stared to see that dynamic.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and helpful response.

Part of wanting to reach out is not wanting to be seen as "the bad guy", that is of course totally a FOGgy reaction - wanting to prove my worth to people.

[Adria]

GettingOOTF,

I totally agree with everything Nanotech said.

On the flip side, if it really is pulling at your heart, you could respond lightly and see what comes back.  Sometimes our hearts over ride our head, and if we don't follow our heart, it can be upsetting to us as well in another way, always wondering if I should've, would've, could've.  I've been NC with both sisters for nearly 30 years. One I would never respond to, and one I might.  The ties that bind our strong in families no matter what the situations.

If you decide to respond or not is up to you. Just remember that if you do, and it doesn't go as you would like, you can always resume NC.

[GettingOOTF]

Thank you Adria.

I crafted a short response and sat on it. I woke up to a message from my uncle relaying news of my father, other sister and her family. It basically said they all had "colds" and not to worry.

I replied to my uncle that basically he knew why I was NC with them and that if he and I were to remain in contact then he can't relay their news to me.

It's so hard to see my family clearly. Of course I want more than anything for their reaching out to be because they care about me and want a proper relationship with me.

I know that during this time none of them  have been going to therapy and doing the work I have been doing. I know from my experience of leaving and returning to my abusive BPDxH that it NEVER gets better.

I can just start to see that they are using this situation to guilt and manipulate me into contact.

Honeltly if anyone else posted what I did I'd them to stick to NC, that no good will come from breaking NC. It's so much harder when it's you.

Thanks for all your support and wisdom.  I'm not going to respond to my sister. I'm under a lot of stress with the virus as I'm now under more pressure at work with the extra stuff I have to do and I'm generally stressed and worried as I live in a major city and there is so much and so many people to worry about. I can't handle opening up any communication with family members.

[Adria]

I'm glad you came to a decision that gives you peace.  Take care of yourself and stay safe.

[GettingOOTF]

So after a lot of thought I decided to respond to my sister. It was a very short response that didn't give any opening for more communication. I basically thanked her for thinking of me and told her I was fine.

I felt it was the right thing to do, but for me not because it's "right".  I felt bad leaving it unanswered.

I discussed it with my therapist and she thought I handled it well.

I am not hoping for more contact. I think that had we both been dealing with COVID I would not have responded, but everything is confusing now.

[JenniferSmith]

I believe that when one person in a family feels a need to go NC, it means that everyone in the family system is damaged in some way.  Each member of the dysfunctional family system tried to cope in their own way. One way is NC, but there are other ways.   Perhaps it might help you to view your sister through this lens - you and her were children who never got the proper nurturing and guidance to have a healthy relationship with each other.

It takes a lot of work on the part of a parent to guide their children into a healthy relationship with each other. It starts in the very early years, when toddlers hit each other. They are separated and told "We don't hit. Give your sister a hug and say you are sorry."  And then as the children grow, this conversation and this guidance and coaching happens over and over and over- thousands of times.

When our parents lack the skills to do this, all of the children in the family suffer.  My relationships with my siblings are a mess for these very reasons.  I used to hold a LOT of anger at them... until I started broadening my view to see all of us as being part of a toxic, abusive family system.

It sounds like underneath all the dysfunction, you do have a connection with your sister. I understand why you would want to try to maintain this, even though it can be so challenging.  Remember that you get to choose how much to respond and how to respond.  Best wishes.

[GettingOOTF]

I agree that it is impossible for anyone to grow up on a PD family and not be impacted by it. Children learn from their parents, so of course children from these families are going to have issues.

I however broke out, went to therapy and did the work necessary to have a stable, healthy life. My siblings chose not to, and it is a choice. Of course I feel for them.  In many ways my being neglected by my family growing up meant I was not as enmeshed and arguable less influenced by them.

Healing and learning to live a healthy, functional life means being able to walk away from unhealthy bonds. I have compassion for homeless people, but I'm not going to go and live in the streets with them, instead I take steps to ensure this doesn't happen to me and I assist where and when I am able.

I don't want to have a connection with anyone in my FOO but I see how damaged my sister is and of course I wish for her the life and clarity I have, just like I do for so many on these boards who are in the same situation I once was.

[blacksheep7]

Hi Getting Out of the FOG,

I can relate to your story which is similar to mine, nc with my widowed parent since May 2017 and sibs because of her smear campagne.   Especially with your sister, that's where my similarity comes in.  I am aware of the work you did from your past posts, you've come a long way.

I was a teen at the peak of the abuse from raging nf and enabling nm.  My sister was only five or six so it affected her differently which made her more vulnerable especially that her brain was developing and I understood this doing the work after coming Out of the FOG.  She was parentified by nm thinking it was love and remains enmeshed.  She is aware of what we endured growing up  but remains in the relationship, fine, her choice.  She has a superficial mindset, living in a fantasy world.
We did have a good relationship and I do miss her.  I dream of her.  It all changed because NM  poisoned her mind and made her say things to me that hurt and pushed me away.   A year ago, her dd told me that she misses me and doesn't know how to approach me which I couldn't understand.  She also said that she was intimidated by my knowledge which I found sad.  I told her dd that I also missed her but as long as NM is alive it will not be possible as I want to be drama free which I appreciate so much.  I have come so far and keep going forward, not looking back.  I know that my sister will start complaining  again about nm as before, I was her emotional garbage and therapist but chose to stay the same.

So in all, I agree with what you said in your last post.  My siblings like yours still live a dysfunctional life with their addictions instead of doing the work.   For me: once I see I cannot unsee.  It's all about appearances, nothing else.

take care

[GettingOOTF]

Thank you blacksheep7.

It does sometimes feel like the healing never ends. New issues are always presenting themselves.

I continually battle against my codependent tendencies. It's a challenge for me to see what is codependent behavior and what is actually the compassionate thing to do. It's a blurred line for me a lot of the time.   

I was my sister's emotional dumping ground/therapist too. I understand how exhausting that is.

I'm sorry we are experiencing this but it makes it easier knowing others understand us.

I really appreciate all the support I have received especially now when I know everyone has so much going.