I reached my breaking point, but stuck at my house with him

[Stargirl]

I have finally reached the point of no return which I didn't think I would do, but now I have no where to go due to CoVid and all of my friends being nurses.

It all started on Thursday when I could see that my AvdPD fiancé was starting to cycle again. I'm not sure what he was triggered by, but when he starts it is a gradual progression of verbal swings and emotional abuse. I will give some examples of my experiences as I write. On Thursday, he told me to tell my side guy to stop texting me so much and was asking who was texting me. I know this may seem innocent, but after 8 years of dealing with this I know his little "jokes" mean something completely different. I told him I didn't know who was texting me. I didn't really care to think too much of it and realized it was the tv. I told him that it was a cell phone in a movie I was watching. He didn't apologize or anything (not that he ever really does), and I kind of let it go. I warned him that I thought he was "starting" again which is a keyword for us. He told me no, that I was being too sensitive, and he was just kidding.

On Friday morning it was cycle at full force. When I woke up and came out to do the dishes at 10:45, he raised his voice and told me to stop being so loud and to have respect for someone who is trying to sleep (Side note: him sleeping on the couch nightly is another red flag for me that a storm is brewing).  I firmly said  right back that it was 10:45 and that I should be fine to clean at this time as I do every weekend.

About 10 minutes later, I asked him if his daughter came downstairs because I wanted to ask if she wanted to watch a movie with me and my daughter later that evening. He started shaking his head "no," not as a way of telling me no, but rather out of annoyance. He then told me "obviously she did not come down" and that I should have known better. I stood up for myself and said "well I thought I heard someone come down and someone is in the bathroom." He said "it's probably your kid then." I asked him why he was being rude and shaking his head at me. He said that he was "pissed because all I do is" ask him stupid questions that I already know the answers to." I didn't respond and kept cleaning.  I went down into my room to put some laundry away and saw that his son came downstairs and had used the bathroom. I then went out and told him it was his son who was actually in there and that my daughter was in her room asleep.

Eventually the day continued to get worse and I kept trying to manage it and think about the kids, not wanting to fight in front of them, and just trying to be positive and hopeful that it wasn't another "episode." I didn't want another blow out after a good three week timespan where we had no disagreements at all. Prior to the 3 weeks, he was in a very bad place and he was using his words to hurt me almost everyday since his best friend died in November. After that it was daily paranoia, belittling, "jokes," fights about Christmas, him not wanting to spend any time with my family or his family, etc. 

Back to the remainder of Friday, one thing he does that I don't like is he chases my dog. My dog is super old, blind, deaf, and can't smell. He does bark very loud but probably because he can't hear himself. Every time my dog goes into the living room and my fiancé is in a "cycle," he gets really annoyed by my dogs nails on the wood, or even if my dog glances at him. Then my fiancé postures, gets off the couch and either chases him or growls at him. It's the most immature shit I've ever seen. Whenever he does it, I get upset with him, but when he really doesn't stop at all, that's when I get really mad. He did this to my dog 4 times Friday night.

There is so much more to this I can't even write all of it down. Eventually this leads into today, I couldn't take it any longer. He told me that he should have left me years ago after I lied to him about talking to another man when we were in a relationship at the time. (I was remorseful and have always been remorseful for this, but he still hasn't forgiven me for this and I also know with AvdPD he never will, but I had hope). Once he told me that and started teasing me while I was crying. I got up in tears and went to my room. Something in me snapped, I opened my door and went down the hall to confront him. I told him that I wasn't going to put up with his abusive behavior anymore and I wanted him to "get the f**k out of my house!" His casual response was, "that's good because maybe I'll find someone who will treat me better anyways." That made me even more enraged, so I grabbed all of his clothes and threw them in the hallway, pile after pile, threw clothes at him, telling him to get out of my house. I was absolutely hysterical. Good thing the kids did not hear, but they knew we were arguing from the day before. Luckily, Saturday I left with them to bring them on an outing. I have done this for many years because when he cycles, I don't want to be around him because of how he behaves.

During my act of rage, he got angry and started blaming me for everything as always. I told him no longer is he allowed to speak to me at all, that I will no longer listen to any excuses for his behavior and that he can no longer feed me lies about how much he is trying to change, or manipulate me any further. I told him I won't tolerate emotional abusive behavior from him anymore.

Now my dilemma, my emergency plan was to leave my house with my kiddo and dog to stay with my best friend. She is a nurse and I'm terrified of CoVid-19 so that isn't going to work. I could possibly call my other friend who lives 5 hours away, but I don't think she has any room at all. I don't want my older parents involved. I just don't know where to go. I need to be away from his manipulative behavior. He can follow me around the house. He May be in leave from work soon too due to CoVid which won't help. I just don't know where to go. This sucks!! How do I keep my distance from him so he can move out. He has been laughing and joking with the kids all afternoon while I'm in bed crying. The kids think I hurt my back while crafting. HELP! Advice please. 

[Spygirl]

What a terrible time youre having. Bravo for standing up for yourself!

If is truly your home, you are the owner/on the lease, you can tell him to get out. After he goes, you can put his stuff in boxes on the front lawn and change the locks. Tell him its there and if he gives you trouble you will call the police. Then block his calls. Do not abandon your home. Lots of people here have left the homes they own, and had a difficult time getting the pd out after, married or not. Your kid needs to be home too.

Then get ready for him to amp up. He will not actually believe you are serious and start doing all kinds of things from greater rage, to sadness, to love bombing to get back with you. So glad you found strength BEFORE you get married. I wish i had not made excuses for pd behavior in the past.

He will be fine. He will find somewhere to go.

[Stargirl]

Hi there, thanks for your support. I do own the house and he does not have any property rights to it. I'm just worried about me falling back into it. When things are good, they are amazing. We've even spent almost 2 years without any fighting or arguments. Once that bliss was over, it was 8 months of hell because he was so fearful of me going to a wedding of one of his friends by myself and the avoidant part of him was telling him to go. That was rough. I think my brain has been so fears of him returning to his behaviors again, that I'm feeling really insecure, scared, and sad. We've created a life and a family together, but I just can't take it anymore. He is always trying to make me think it's just me, but it's not. I've been writing things down in journals for the past 3 years now. I see the same patterns repeat and they will continue to repeat forever unless I do something drastic to stop them. He refuses counseling and I've tried that as an ultimatum before. He would rather abandon the relationship than to go there, then he follows with "self help" and trying hard to work on himself. This "work" he does hasn't done anything so far. So right now I'm just done.

[Latchkey]

Hi Stargirl,
I'd recommend working on getting him out of the house in the future rather than leaving if possible since it is your place. It does not sound like a good time to be staying with friends especially with a health care worker, not just due to their risk of COVID but all the stress they are under. There are some things in the Toolbox  above that might help like Grey Rock, and Medium Chill to neutralize the tension. Learning about how to not JADE as well. I've found sometimes that Radical Acceptance can be a way to make it through when leaving a home is not possible. I know you are well aware that if there is physical danger then it is important to leave.

Latchkey

[Omygoodess]

Have you looked into whether or not you have to evict him from your house? You are in a domestic relationship. There are laws to prevent a person from being kicked out into the street. A previous reply said all you have to do is kick him out.....Being a former police officer, now vet, I just want to make sure that is factual info. You are in the cycle of violence, and it's extremely hard to break out of. I did! Hardest thing you will ever have to do. I went back over and over because we owned a house together. He used to be my best friend, but the mental abuse and physical abuse crept in slowly.

I feel like I was in your exact shoes. Ugh

[notrightinthehead]

as others have recommended - study the toolbox and apply, apply, apply.  You have been journaling, so believe yourself and promise yourself not to make the same mistake again. But take responsibility for your behaviour - behave in such a way that you are taking good care of yourself, protect yourself from further abuse, implement and keep boundaries, and get the help you need to liberate yourself from this difficult situation.

[Blackbird11]

I told him no longer is he allowed to speak to me at all, that I will no longer listen to any excuses for his behavior and that he can no longer feed me lies about how much he is trying to change, or manipulate me any further. I told him I won't tolerate emotional abusive behavior from him anymore.

You just stepped into your power! Congratulations. I remember when my uPDh really heard me and understood that we weren't in Kansas anymore. It wasn't easy. I had weeks upon weeks of conflicting emotions, depression, anxiety. But taking one small step every day toward the future is what keeps you going. And it's cumulative.

Good luck, stay safe. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the police if it escalates. Sometimes we have to go along to get along and as I'm still living with my stbx I've done a lot of pretending not to hear or see things that he does to try to get under my skin. He's more reasonable than I anticipated, but I'm always watching my back. My job right now is to maintain the peace.

[tragedy or hope]

Stargirl,

we are on your side. if you cannot get out right now, what i have learned is to be light and polite. just like i would treat a neighbor. i would avoid any input or need of him with the kids. your serenity is the most important thing for you and your children.

i have learned i cannot speak to a sick person as if he were well. i have to sometimes treat him as he is behaving. if like a child, aside from ordering him around, (always a bad idea)  I just do what I would do to get my children to cooperate in a fun lighthearted way. who cares if he responds in kind, you are taking care of you.

i say nothing to escalate any situation. in fact... this is SO hard,  i offer coffee or whatever with a smile... (i am in control) it takes a load of hurt off me sometimes.

they want ATTENTION, yes, in capital letters. i know i am not really able to communicate  w/him and this keeps things calm for me. Attention can be a simple stroke of hair from his brow, (as i would one of my children). For me this works, He thinks he is getting somewhere... makes him feel I care.

my reward is serenity until i decide what is worth giving up my serenity for.

I know he will try to hook me, when he is in his "headspace" i am aware and try to be as evasive as possible.

hope some of that might help. kicking someone out with all the health issues going on right now is kind of rough for you, if you can't go anywhere.

keep yourself and your children safe. you are here,  you are preserving your own sanity. keep coming back.

think about how he is "hooking you into unpleasant exchanges and don't go there with him.

[1footouttadefog]

Do you have enough funds to rent him a weekly hotel/business hotel room for a couple of weeks then you could move his stuff to a storage unit after he is out.   This way you are not just kicking him out and then it's his job to make the next step.