Boundaries During Difficult Times

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Grace4

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Boundaries During Difficult Times
« on: March 31, 2020, 09:53:29 PM »
Has anyone else noticed that during hard times boundaries can easily disappear? At least thatís what Iíve noticed for myself. Iím finding it hard to reinforce boundaries these days. My mom and sister are trying to weasel their way into my life again. All of my excuses like ďIím busy or Iím workingĒ donít work as well anymore. They both stalk my business account on IG so they know what Iím up to. Today I was sharing with my followers other small business that I love and am trying to support during these difficult times and my sister wrote to me and was like ďwhat about my 2 businesses?Ē  Which btw  are both fake businesses. She just pretends to be a photographer and pretends to sell essential oils just for attention and affirmation. Her ďreal jobĒ
is teaching. My mother wants to FaceTime me this weekend and I literally have no excuse. Iím trying to self care as much as a can these days. Hope you all are doing OK these days! Stay safe! 💕

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all4peace

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2020, 10:40:11 PM »
I believe that difficult times call for even strong boundaries. We have limits, and boundaries help us live our best life with limits.

I understand that if we've been in the habit of "excuses" and giving "reasons" for saying no, it can feel like an obligation or necessary. But it truly isn't. "That doesn't work for us" became a very standard line for me and my DH with our families. "Having other plans" includes laying on the couch, taking a bath, or reading a book.

Good luck!

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freedom77

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2020, 11:00:14 PM »
Hi Grace4...

Is there any way you can block your mother and sister from viewing and stalking your business?

It is hard, but boundaries are a must.

Your sister really has nerve attempting to dictate the businesses you support.

I wouldn't bow to the pressure of FaceTime either.

And you don't need an excuse. You have real reasons, and the most important of which, is self care and freedom from abuse.

Any crisis, large and small, is always excellent primer for abusive people to weasel their way back into your life. 

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Socialsunshine

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2020, 12:19:48 AM »
I was just coming on to echo what others have said- you don't need an excuse! A simple, "I'm sorry but I can't" is more than enough. I'm learning so much about JADE when it comes to not having to explain or defend my positions on things.

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WinterStar

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2020, 01:18:11 AM »
Grace4,

I find I have all I can handle in difficult times without PDs. They make the difficult times unbearable and take some of the resources I need right now. So, no, I'm not reaching out to BPDm, and if she has a request, I'm going to say no. Brother left a voicemail, so I replied by email. An occasional email is all I have right now. And in that email, I lowered expectations and said I will let him know if something important comes up, but I've got a lot on my plate right now.

PDs may hate it, but you aren't responsible for them. You have to take care of you. I'd ignore a communication like the one your sister sent, and I'd respond to a request like your mom's with an email that said, "No thanks."
I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me. -Elizabeth Bennet

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Grace4

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2020, 10:51:11 AM »
Hi Everyone,
Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate them! You are so right, strong boundaries are so important right now. While Iím unable to block my mom and sister via IG for complicated reasons Iím not gonna get into here, Iíve been ignoring their texts and only responding to certain ones.  Iím working on saying no and not feeling guilty these days! Your courage to  set boundaries gives me courage!

Also Iím curious about JADE, what is that?


Thanks again! 💕

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all4peace

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2020, 02:08:52 PM »
Hi Grace4--JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Explain and Defend. You can find many such acronymns and terms used here in the glossary. Take care!

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LoverofPeace

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2020, 04:21:06 PM »
I agree with you all and want to say 'thank you', because I came here to get boundary reinforcement.

Especially, I am transitioning from my old job to a new one as soon as tomorrow, plus I am a college student and  have heavy school work; all of this is happening online; that has its own set of challenges.

In the meantime, I have to pray every day I wake up that my NPD mother, grandmother and 2 sisters (one is malignant, the other less so, but can still become difficult to communicate with) doesn't bother me.

Like you all said, I will just say, "No, I cannot do that", or something to that effect. My big challenge is saying it calmly; but this family doesn't understand anything but having to raise your voice to get them to back off.
That's the only reason why I've had any days of peace. I hate having had to communicate like that off and on for years with them; so over it! No matter the situation. At the same time, I'm fighting not to fall into a depression because this is all so overwhelming while having to put on a brave face and keep going; especially starting a new job with meeting new people, even if it's on Skype!

Praying we stay brave, strong, resolute and definitely stay healthy (physically AND mentally) Our NPD thoughts deserve rest! :zzz:
« Last Edit: April 01, 2020, 04:23:34 PM by LoverofPeace »

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2020, 01:05:15 PM »
Yes, I notice how easily boundaries disappear. I am a prime example and am suffering for having dropped my boundaries I worked so hard to instill just to ensure my parents were being cared for.  I wanted to put in my vote to you to please keep your boundaries. Lock them in stronger than ever. People use this time to take your energy and goodwill and then turn it around on you in ways that are hurtful. Please do not allow that to happen. Especially now. I wish I had seen this post earlier.   

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Grace4

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2020, 08:05:41 PM »
Thanks for your comments Blueberry Pancake and Lover of Peace! Itís so nice to know Iím not alone in all of this. M Iím wishing you so much peace and strength during this uncertain time. 🤗💕

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freedom77

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Re: Boundaries During Difficult Times
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2020, 10:08:41 PM »
I did not know about JADE either until coming to this forum and others like it. Despite being a very heavy JADE-er all my life.

It's from Al-Anon, I believe, and it stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain as someone else pointed out.

After learning about JADE, I was stunned at how often I do it, and how people will tell me, "Freedom you don't have to explain, it's okay.." from friends/lovers, to co-workers, to bosses to strangers...I've been told I over explain my position, or I go on too much about my reasons for something...that I'm defensive when I don't need to be...

I didn't get it, until I discovered JADE.

I am now actively working on not JADE-ing. I'm learning to say no, one time, and only one time. To state my position clearly, once, and only once. If clarification on my position or a reason is sought, I will explain that upon such a request, just once. No more defending, no arguing, no excuse making.

What's so sad is I would do those things when I didn't even need to. For instance, a friend would ask a favor I couldn't provide for, and instead of just saying a simple I'm sorry but I can't that day...I would list 10 different reasons why I couldn't, apologize more than once, get a little defensive sometimes, and further explain why I couldn't, go into too much detail...blah blah blah...

A dear friend/co-worker of mine asked once, "Freedom, why do you feel like you have to defend everything you say? It's okay to just feel like you do, and say it once...nobody's gonna kill you for it."

JADE, I have found out, is a very common defense mechanism of sorts in people raised by narcissists. A lot of it due to our being invalidated, and not allowed to individuate from the N/PD parent. To be made to feel guilty over everything, not allowed autonomy to make choices without strings, not allowed to say no, made to feel indebted even over small favors or necessities (like my BPD/N mother buying me school supplies for instance). Made to feel an explanation was owed over everything, for instance if I was 5 minutes late arriving home from school...BPD/N depending on her mood of the day, would expect a detailed explanation as to why, and/or her N rage would ensue.

So sad I spent so much of my life as a JADE-er...so glad too though that I found out what that is, and I'm working on it.