What led me here-uBPDSIL

[ocean2wave]

I keep trying to figure out how to be concise and shorten the story.  I have had a good relationship with my SIL for about 21 years.  Until this past September.  We live in different states.  She and her husband were visiting her son, who lives nearby.  My father died in the last couple years and left a nice size Trust that my sister, brother and I are co-trustees of.  My DH thinks we should end the Trust and each take our 3rd. (and then it becomes or he can slowly convert it to community property...but that's a topic for another branch of the forum!).  My uBPDSIL apparently agrees because she started yelling at me and telling me that we should end the Trust. (um. None of her business).  I also mentioned in the course of this "discussion" that I didn't think I would ask my DH to have my medical POA when the time came because he had given my father medication at the end of his life when I had said, very clearly, in front of the hospice nurse and counselor that only my sister and I would give any meds. SIL started yelling at me and telling me how f$%^ed up my thinking was.
I was floored!  We had always had a good relationship.  Like really good.  I mean, she is opinionated.  This totally took me by surprise.  I cried.  I left the area where this was happening.  She came after me and tried to calm me down.  Everything was "ok" by the time they left.

But we were considering moving near them.  And had rented a place for 2 months this winter.  We went there in January.  It was one confrontation after another.  Always when there was no one else around.  She said to me, if you don't love my brother or are thinking of divorcing him, I don't want you to move here.  Twice.  The first time was right after we'd had a car accident (not our fault), totaled the car and I needed foot surgery because of the accident.  I was still out of it from the surgery the first time she "came at me" with this "demand".  We ended up finding a house we liked, made an offer and 2 days later it was accepted.  The day after it was accepted, she started a fight with me again and again, looked me in the eye and said "If you are going to leave my brother, I don't want you to move here".  I ended up withdrawing the offer.  My husband and I were devastated.  We've been looking for 3 years and felt this was what we wanted.  I just couldn't imagine, at this point, living 5 miles from my SIL.
She apologized in a text the next day for upsetting me.  Not really an apology.
My husband is having a really hard time giving up on his dream of living in a warmer climate and being able to golf many times a week.  I am sad that we won't be living in a place I had really grown to like a lot.  But my husband and I DO have issues.  We work on them.  Our 20 year marriage has not been blissful (again, more posts for another branch of the forum).  I just don't think I could handle 2 of them!
I am and have been working with a therapist.  This behavior with my SIL just really struck me as BPD (my mom was BPD) and I started researching some more.  My therapist and a therapist I saw briefly while out of state agreed with my non-expert diagnosis.  Does a switch suddenly flip later in life (64 yo)?  And once it flips, that's it, right?  I am really sad about this turn of events.
Thanks for letting me share and process this. 

[bloomie]

Vazetti - Hi there and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you have reached out for support and at the same time sad you have this relationship fracturing right before your eyes. What a painful series of interactions with your sil!

There are many beautiful, warm, golf course a plenty places to move to where you would not be within 5 miles of a high conflict person who would seize a moment when you are extremely vulnerable to go on the attack like you describe here.

It may mean starting over with a new dream and decision about where to move to and that is hard when you have envisioned something and dreamt about it, but from where I sit your sil showed you who she is and what it would be like to live in close proximity to her. 

It was one confrontation after another.  Always when there was no one else around.  She said to me, if you don't love my brother or are thinking of divorcing him, I don't want you to move here.  Twice.

Her statements about your marriage seem provocative, probing and divisive. Other than the disappointment about the move, what does your H say about his sister's behaviors and statements to you? Is this totally out of character to the person he has known his entire life? Has he had any conversations with his sister that would add some context to her aggressive targeting of you?

Is there a discernible link between your inheritance and a switch in her attitudes and behaviors toward you? I guess I am wondering if living at a distance allowed you sil to be on her best behavior in the past and now that you have had longer exposure to her you are seeing this simmering side.

You may have dodged years of strife and conflict with this sil by removing your offer on the home. That took strength and wisdom imv and had to be very hard for you and your H. For whatever reason, your sil's behaviors are harmful and not safe for you at this moment in time.

I'm so glad you shared and imagine there is a lot of processing going on for you right now.

[ocean2wave]

Thank you for your thoughtful and supportive response, Bloomie!  I read it yesterday, actually after I found myself surfing for properties in the town we almost moved to and checking on the status of the two properties we made offers on.  So it was a great reminder when I read your post and response-it was as if I had just gotten caught going back into the FOG.

"Her statements about your marriage seem provocative, probing and divisive. Other than the disappointment about the move, what does your H say about his sister's behaviors and statements to you? Is this totally out of character to the person he has known his entire life? Has he had any conversations with his sister that would add some context to her aggressive targeting of you?"

SIL (and DH) have always been known to be "opinionated".  So that's *everyone's* opinion about SIL's behavior.
The conversations would have been between DH and SIL about his need/desire to see the Trust ended and the funds dispersed to the 3 of us.  As written, when one dies, the remaining Trust funds go to the 2 remaining sibs, etc so that in the end, the last sibling standing gets what remains.  With one sister and one brother myself, I am the only one married and I live in a common property state.  So if I die, my DH does not get anything from the Trust that I would get during my lifetime.  (He, of course, would get any cash I have, the value of our home and my retirement/IRA savings).  So you can see where DH might be strongly in favor of dissolving the Trust.  (and again, my issues with my DH possibly being uBPD or uNPD are subject for another post or subsection of the forum).
But why the heck this is any of SIL's business.  Unless it's being enmeshed and her not being able to dissociate herself from my DH/her brother's opinion or fears about the future.

"Is there a discernible link between your inheritance and a switch in her attitudes and behaviors toward you? I guess I am wondering if living at a distance allowed you sil to be on her best behavior in the past and now that you have had longer exposure to her you are seeing this simmering side."

I spent 2 weeks at their house last year, by myself (meaning DH did not come with me).  I was trying on the area.  Rented a car.  Spent most days by myself exploring while they worked.  Did some of the grocery shopping, cleaning, dog walking, etc.  Everything was fine then.  It was a great visit.  We all got along fine.  No arguments or issues.  And my father died in 2017 and last year was 2019, so I'd had, or she was aware of my inheritance all this time.

IMO, a couple things may have caused a change.  1. Two and a half years has passed and during that time, I was working sometimes full-time, sometimes part time as executor to settle my father's estate, for at least 2 of those years.  Perhaps there was an expectation on both DH and SIL that once settled, we would also dissolve the Trust and each have full control of our 1/3.  I don't know.  It's certainly possible that that was happening mentally.
2. Since I was there last April, my SIL successfully lobbied to work from home (little did anyone know at the time that everyone would be working from home now!).  She actually resigned which forced them to allow her to do that.  While I was there in April for 2 weeks last year, I observed that she smoked pot no less than 4 times a day, even on work days.  She is a life long (well, since a teen and she's mid-60's now) pot smoker.  (I am 35 years in AA and Al-anon recovery myself and I don't judge people for their choices, especially if it's not making my life unmanageable).  She's very functional.  Obviously very good and functional at her job.  Keeps a very clean house.  Does not appear to interfere with her life in any overt way.  But two things regarding this:  1-she is working from home now. Is she smoking even more?  and 2-her DH is close to the end of the process of obtaining tenure at the university.  It's a very stressful time (his colleague did not get tenure last year).  She is really really depending on him getting tenure so she can "finally" relax and retire (she is 12 years older than he is).  I suspect her pot smoking has increased is might not be working as well to manage her stress as it has in the past.  Just a guess.

Either way, my mind tries to convince me that "I can handle it".  That we could again consider moving there and I will be strong and healthy enough to withstand the verbal assaults.  Thank you for providing me with a more Out of the FOG viewpoint.  There are going to be times (like the unexpected accident) when I'm not at my A game and in those times, I can be crumbled like old worn out tissue.

Change is hard.  But change I must.  So that's why I am here-looking for how I need to change to make my life better.  Thanks all.