Flashbacks heightening - long

[lotusblume]

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. I know these are stressful times. I've been trying to put myself first and meet my own needs. Up until recently, I have spent the last few months doing so great. Let me explain.

I wrote a post a while back on confrontation. I finally had enough of my siblings hoovering during NC, and confronted them. It felt amazing. I had never stood up that way to them in my life. I called them out on their playing the victim, manipulating me, hurting others, stealing my friends my whole life, turning family and friends against me, all of it. I called them out on all their BS. Response? "I've never hurt anyone in my life." In a waif voice. I gave them an ultimatum, we could perhaps have hope for a relationship one day if they a. Took ownership and apologized to me and my partner. B. Went to therapy and worked on changing their behaviour, because I didn't think it would happen without professional help. They got all huffy, darvod me and basically hung up.

I felt so good I decided to also call my mother and confront her. I told her about all the abuses done by her and the FOO, and how it affected me. She said she was never abusive, until I gave her very specific examples she could not deny. She surprisingly owned up to it, gave me a REAL apology, which was not my goal nor my expectation.

After that phone call I had got so much clarity. I understood the family dynamic 100 percent and felt No More FOG at all! First time in two years of on and off NC, LC.

I moved on, I felt peace. My mother wrote to me recently with the crisis going on, and I did answer. I felt really okay about it. Kept high boundaries.

But

....

We were enmeshed before. Even though she is working on herself now (or trying to give me that impression, she even agreed to therapy when I suggested it to her), I know she has this huge void that she used me to fill, as her "best friend", mini me, parentified child and emotional incest. I have realised that she is probably not a narcissist, I never truly believed she was, but she is the daughter of one, and has a family full of them, including my sibling and probably my father, and definitely has unresolved CPTSD.

She also damaged me a lot when I was growing up. And conscious or not, sabotaged me and enabled my failure to launch. I take responsibility for my part in the dynamic. We were definitely codependent.

So now. Fast forward, a couple of boundaries exchanges and I've pulled back again because my anxiety has come back. My FOG has come back. I keep thinking about her feelings, but even more than that, my grandma's feelings, (I am worried about her being in a nursing home right now). I have very justified fears that she will pass. I have been NC with her for almost a year.

So I'm worried my mother's mother will die, and I'm worried my mother isn't taking care of herself and is being abused by her mother. When I confronted mother on the phone, I clearly saw how much I was used as her therapist before and felt responsibility for her and her emotional well being. It feels like I'm putting my mother's feelings first again, and feeling compassion for everyone but myself.

I've been abusing myself emotionally again. I've been having flashbacks, and have regressed to where I was over a year ago, when I was completely volatile with flashbacks and an enflamed inner critic. I have a huge project going on, trying to start up a business because my husband is laid off work, and I am sabotaging myself. This business directly relates to a talent I have that when I was growing up was something I self sabotaged in relation to my mother.

I am trying to get rid of my anxiety and control my flashbacks. It's not a pretty picture at the moment. I don't want to go back there.

I also feel that if I break NC with my grandmother, I will regret it because she will guilt trip, abuse, and just be a narcissist. And I'm afraid that if I don't and she gets very sick, I may regret it. I know I'm not alone in this, and I feel for you all who are experiencing that too.

I don't really know what the point of posting is besides to reach out to people who understand. My husband has a limited patience for the topic right now, which inflames the c ptsd reaction even more. I talked to him about it and I saw he cares about my feelings, but he just doesn't want to talk about it anymore (it's been a two day straight flashback off and on).

Thanks for listening. I hope this long post will have some info that is useful for you. If you have questions let me know. I don't know what kind of advice to ask for, I am taking it one day at a time and trying to honor my needs and feelings. I guess I just needed to let it out.

Take care everyone. Thanks for being here.

[WinterStar]

lotusblume,

It sounds to me like you are dealing with a stressful time that has brought up all the old issues you felt like you had gotten past. Oh man, I have been there. If you're anything like me, you're frustrated and maybe even angry that you're dealing with all the same crap again. I just want to be better and not have to take steps back. And my husband has lost his patience for listening to me about these issues.

I've always kind of sensed that if something is cropping back up, it's because there's unfinished work for me to do. This didn't stop me from feeling frustrated and mad at myself for not getting over it already. I tried harder to not let things bother me and move on. Well, that never worked for me.

Where I am right now is pregnant with baby #4. New babies have always triggered a time of painful growth for me. That is once again true, but the way I'm dealing with it has been very, very different. I started a new round of therapy and have read almost every self help book recommended to me by people on these boards and spent a lot of time here. Through this, I've truly accepted that I'm under a lot of stress and it's understandable that I'm having trouble. I have started to observe my emotions without judgement and instead listened to what they are trying to tell me. I've put a wall up between me and my BPD mother and PD inlaws because I know they can only hurt me when I'm vulnerable. I've taken rest and recovery time without feeling guilty, instead viewing it as what I am called to do right now. I'm grieving through a bunch of pain and accepting that grief is hard and not a linear process like I want it to be.

One of the most helpful books I read wasn't about PDs at all. It was "Know My Name" by Chanel Miller, the woman who wrote that incredible letter to the court in the case against the man who assaulted her next to a dumpster at Stanford. Her book is honest, brutal and hopeful. She processes her emotions right there in front of the reader, showing how hard, how complex healing is. And sometimes the way forward with healing looks like a major setback.

Anyway, I hope this long response about my own experience is helpful to you. I recommend staying close to these boards, therapy, self help books and avoiding PDs while you sort through things. I'm finally getting the validation I always wanted, that I sought but couldn't get from my family, my inlaw family or even my husband. I hope you find that here and within yourself too.