Pregnant, NC and struggling

[tatteredandtorn]

Hi i'm new on here. Really need to get this off my chest. I'm pregnant with 3rd child and have been NC with both NParents for just over 2 months and before that was VLC for 3 months. My parents have always been controlling, gaslighting and manipulative but super sweet and nice on the surface/to other people including my GC brother. They were emotionally and physically abusive when i was a child and the emotional abuse continued into adulthood. Thankfully i moved across the world from them 10 years ago and had little contact with them until my first child was born. After that, they started to visit and want weekly video chats. They also started trying to control me again and undermine my and my husband's authority/parenting. Their visits always left me absolutely emotionally wrecked and it would take me weeks to recover, but they would ruin months of my life with the anxiety and dread of the lead-up too. I've been in therapy for 6 years now.

My journey to NC began when I stupidly went to visit them last year with just one of my children and although their behaviour wasn't that bad, I didn't cope well at all and was in a constant state of hypervigilance. I knew i'd made a terrible mistake the moment I saw them at the airport to collect me and felt this awful sinking feeling. I didn't feel comfortable leaving my daughter alone with my mother as she (daughter) seemed to really dislike her (mother) and her behaviour (my daughter's) is challenging at times and is the type of behaviour my parents used violence to deal with when I was a child, which is absolutely NOT ok with me or my husband. I told them a few years ago that they aren't allowed to hit my kids which they got super offended and defensive about then denied multiple physical incidents that I recalled (one involving my daughter as a 1 year old), and gaslit me about them.

During this visit, i discovered that an aunt who i thought i could trust was actually just a FM. We got into a discussion about my parents and me not wanting to leave my daughter with them which led to her verbally attacking me for accusing my parents of being abusive (which I didn't actually do on this occasion) and calling me stupid and guilt tripping me among other things. I walked out of her house with my kid and didn't speak to her for the remainder of the trip, with her shouting at me the whole time to "stop being so sensitive" and "how dare you throw everything i've done for you back in my face". My parents didn't know anything about this until a week after i returned home. I started receiving multiple guilt tripping messages from my mother accusing me of abusing them (HA!) by accusing them of abuse etc.. basically my aunt had said a whole bunch of untrue shit to them. My mother said my dad was furious at me and wanted to speak to me about it but wouldn't let him until he'd calmed down.

I ignored the messages but my mother kept sending me other ones that were as if nothing had happened, about trivial stuff (a common tactic of hers). I wrote back sometimes but ignored them other times. This went on for a couple of months until one video chat my dad was there (hadn't seen/spoken to him since I was there visiting) and he demanded that I speak to him about what i said to my aunt. I said no, i'm not discussing that. Then he got aggressive and started to threaten me with disownment (a common tactic of his). I had to hang up and that was the last I ever spoke with him (5 months ago now).

After that I got more and more guilt tripping messages from my mother, leading me to experience a huge increase in anxiety and panic attacks. I told her I needed to go VLC for my own wellbeing and set a boundary that she's not allowed to contact me, only I can contact her. This didn't go down well and only lasted a couple of weeks before she started messaging me like normal again about trivial stuff again. I reinforced the boundary but she kept replying. Then came the messages about how my dad will never speak to me again if i don't apologise to him. My health was suffering so much so i decided it was time to go full NC. I also became pregnant around this time and needed to avoid stress. I sent a final message stating that I needed time without communication and was doing it for my own wellbeing as it's not healthy for me to be in contact with them and told them to not contact me. I blocked them everywhere.

Planning and having a 3rd child is something i never would have dared to do if i was still in contact with them due to their judgment (they told me to not have any more kids after my first as I'm incapable of giving them a good life). I feel free to do whatever the hell i want now and it's great! But i'm terrified of them finding out about this baby. I want to tell other family members who i'm still in contact with but obviously someone will tell them and i just can't cope with the guilt of how hurt and angry they will be to hear it from someone else. I'm scared of putting family members in an awkward position where they have to be the one to tell them. I don't even know if anyone knows i've gone NC apart from one (sane) aunt who I told as I have no idea what my parents have said to people.

But at the same time, the thought of telling them makes me feel sick and i really don't feel like doing it at all. Why do they deserve to know? I don't want them to be a part of this baby's life or my life anymore for the forseeable future so why even bother?

I'm considering telling them just to ease the guilt and the fear of what other people will say/do with the information. If I do it, I will send a short and simple email telling them and also stating them that i need to remain NC. I will have replies blocked so won't even see them.

I really don't know what to do and i'm constantly terrified of something arriving in the post from them as i cannot block that. I'm also really scared of them triangulating my GC bro or other people or turning them in FMs. I'm scared of other family members turning against me and thinking i'm a horrible person once they discover i didn't tell them, even though they will never truly understand my reasoning.

What should i do? Has anyone been in a similar situation?  I really want to share this happy news but all i can feel is fear and dread 

Thanks if you read this far, I didn't mean for this to be so long. It has been helpful to write it all out though.

[M0009803]

I am sorry you are going through this while pregnant.   When my wife got pregnant I was NC with my family, so I do have some understanding of how this might go down (my family is very enmeshed as well and has zero boundaries).

If you tell them, I can pretty much gurantee you their behavior will escalate, which will drive up your stress levels.  This not good for you, the baby, and your own family.

I completely understand the impulse to share the "good news" with family.  Under normal family conditions, this is a happy time.  With PD/Enmeshed families however, it does not work out that way.

Right now, what is most important is you, your baby, and your own family.  Your FOO can wait.  Best to focus on yourself for now.

[all4peace]

Welcome, tatteredandtorn! I'm sorry you need this forum but am thankful you have found us.

None of us can tell you what you should do, as only you can make that decision, but I am happy to share my journey with you.

As DH and I distanced from our emotionally and relationally unsafe parents, we started managing information about our family very carefully. We didn't want our parents having information about us (especially about our kids) that we wouldn't have shared ourselves. They have stalking behavior, and so I really, really shut down the flow of information.

Over time, however, I realized that I was also losing connection with extended family members whose relationships I valued and wanted.

For me, in the beginning when our breaking away from our parents was fresh, raw and very traumatic, and I had a very high level of anxiety, I believe near total shutdown was necessary for me to feel safe again, to realize I had some control in my life, and that I could set boundaries.

Over time, as I've healed through a long time in therapy, I've relaxed my stance. I realize that I need to share something about our lives with others if I want mutual relationships, and some of that will get back to our parents. I don't feel they "deserve" information about our family, but for now it's a compromise I make for my other relationships.

DH doesn't feel the same way and so has much more closed communication than I do.

Our kids are now adult and nearly adult, and they choose their own level of communication.



Here's one comment I would make for you... we're in the middle of a pandemic. This is a highly stressful time for all of us. You are also pregnant--congratulations!!!--another time of life when you are truly meant to protect your resources of energy, time, emotional energy, and a time when you really need to feel as safe and protected as you possibly can. You have every right and obligation to create boundaries necessary to protect yourself, your partnership, your little family and your new baby.

Over time, I have found that my terror came from the little girl within me. The more I grew my adult self, set boundaries, worked through the panic, and simply became a full adult, the more the terror subsided. It doesn't matter how your aunt reacts or how your parents react. You are allowed to live your best life with those you are committed to in adulthood--your husband and children.

My best to you.

[tatteredandtorn]

Thank you both so much for your replies. I do feel that at this time i need total NC from them. I really don't think i can bring myself to send that email. The stress that would result from it just isn't worth it. I won't share the news with anyone else in my family yet as i'm going through so much stress at the moment due to a house move that has gone wrong on top of all of this pandemic stuff, having to work and study from home with 2 unruly children.