Parenting the flea-ridden

Started by NumbLotus, April 05, 2020, 01:00:44 PM

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NumbLotus

Are you saying the problem is that I asked her for help with something?
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

PeanutButter

IMHO the problems are not the problem. The problem is actually the interpretation of the problems or the inner narrative about the 'problem'. 
IME it is possible to get 'stuck' trying to fix 'symtoms' (which are seen as the 'problem') and do not address the underlying causes (the actual core issues) that are at play in relationships.
I do not think that you asking her for help is a problem. But all I know is what you post so I dont know very much.
I do wonder if a problem could be how you feel about how she feels about you and/or how she feels about how you feel about her.
But of course I dont know the answer to that.

If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

NumbLotus

Absolutely, I struggled a great deal with how I felt about how I thought she felt about me (convoluted lol but you know what I mean). I think that part is resolved, though. And with it, if she was having similar feelings of her own, I think likewise resolved.

She and I are are connected again. She loves to talk to me and share what is going on in her head and with her friends and so on.

I am still trying to wrap my head around my approach to problematic behavior. I just think one of my problems is being too emotional about how she thinks (that is, her low empathy). She thinks what she thinks and I need to deal with that and let it go.

Which is not the same as just letting her run wild. But I've got to stay within my boundaries.

So if she refuses to do something, instead of me getting all wrapped up into a ball about it, it's just a matter of me enforcing my boundaries. I do not try to control her actions or thoughts or feelings. I just give her a choice. Do the dishes or there will be a reasonable consequence. If she chooses the reasonable consequence, fine, she has a right to.

I still give her boundaries but it's not me forcing my thoughts and values on her. It's just safe boundaries in a safe aorld that has limits, some not so fun (dishes) but also a world where she doesn't have to feel the danger of having no boundaries at all.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

PeanutButter

Thats great!
I do hope you investigate the undeveloped teenage brain. The research has been done. The evidence is there. Empathy is something that part of the brain (not developed yet in teenagers) needs to be taught!
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle