Honesty vs Alienation

[startwhereyouare]

I appreciate all of the insight on here, wish we were not all in this mess, but it sure helps to have others that understand the emotions and circumstances.
I have mediation coming up with stbx NPD with an addiction problem. Our kids are 18 & 22. The youngest is still at home with me. The stbx is currently residing with our oldest. I was granted exclusive use and possession of the house with an order that he cannot be here to collect 'things' without my knowledge, permission and presence. I instituted an email communication to try to eliminate our kids from being involved, keep a record of the requests,  and remain mostly no contact. Our 1st trade off of items resulted in him throwing everything he picked up, from a bike to tools, I believe mostly because I was grey rock & refused to engage emotionally. Both our kids were present.
Then he came by a few days later to 'grab something' and I was not home, our DS was, and I gave my permission to give it to him.
This week he 'popped by',  told DS he had already made arrangements with me (not true, he did email me to come over, I replied requesting more details and never heard back from him).
I am working on the legal end to put a stop to this. I know he doesn't care about boundaries, rules, and he will now use this to stop by whenever he wants. 
So, I am struggling with the conversations with my kids, it's brutal. Technically, they are adults. They both know there are things not right. He has played the depression and anxiety card for the last several years, street drugs were only recently discovered. He has down played all of that. I want to scream when I hear them whispering, 'poor, poor Dad.' I don't of course, and you understand.
They think I'm being sketchy because I don't want to talk to him or engage. His behavior was completely unacceptable when he did come over, and they were there, they witnessed it. His emails are soooo contradictory, full of love yous, miss yous, God bless, etc.
I want to continue to enforce my boundaries. I do not want to alienate them from him, they will have to make their own decision, but by the time I run it through my head a thousand times, it still sounds wrong when I verbalize it, and I feel like I sound like the crazy person. I am trying to stick to facts, what is and is not acceptable, and it's not coming out right. HELP!

[SeaGlass]

I feel that I understand your situation, as my children are about your children's ages. I am in the divorce process with my ubpd husband, and am still living with him and our children.

I wish I had some advice to give you. I think we walk a fine line with our children at all ages, but especially as they get older, with what is appropriate for them to know or not.

We have shielded them from our spouse's  behaviors their whole lives. Our children are adults now, and need to decide how they want their relationship to look with their other parent.

I do not think we need to sacrifice parts of  our relationship with them anymore for the sake of protecting our spouse. I feel that I did this for years. It seems dishonest to do this as they get older. However I still struggle with protecting them from him, and also with not wanting to speak ill of my spouse and alienating them from him. This is the fine line.

As they are young adults, they usually see him for who he is. The picture is often clearer to them than it is for me. It is a daily struggle, as you well know. I wish I could help more. I hope just knowing that someone understands will be of support to you.

I would love to hear how others have dealt with this too.

[Latchkey]

Hi startwhereyouare I love your user name!

I just read that great Arthur Ashe quote today and was inspired.

Start where you are.
Use what you have.
Do what you can.

I think the quote very much applies to your situation.

I would recommend looking at this article first before you really get into things and understand that it takes a long time to talk to kids. It is good to try to go slow and see what works. Each kid is different. Each kid will react differently. I just had a conversation with my DD23 today about banking and I told her something about her PD Dad she never knew. That his bank account mess - because we had a joint account with same bank even though divorced- ended with me losing her and her sister's summer camp money when she was in 2nd grade. We've been divorced since she was 7. Basically, you don't need to tell them everything at once but use stories to get the information across.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/5/talking-to-kids

[SeaGlass]

Thank you for the reference back to talking to kids. It was helpful to reread, and reaffirm that I'm on the right path.