Abandonment Issues

Started by Wilderhearts, April 08, 2020, 11:51:54 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Wilderhearts

I'm wondering how abandonment issues show up for people with PD'd parents, and how you've coped with/overcome them.

I'm just becoming aware of the extent of my abandonment issues, stemming from having an uNPDf, of course, but also from parental separation, my mom kicking my sister out as a teen, my sister disowning our dad as a teen, and then uNPDf dying, also while we were still teens.  It was a pretty fractured family.  On top of that, my non-M has periods where she's completely emotionally unavailable, due to her own trauma and mental health, and also burn-out from my sister's behaviour issues and dependency, even in adulthood.

I don't have issues with emotional intimacy, sabotaging relationships, clingy/dependent behaviour with partners; I don't challenge their feelings for me to make them provide reassurance.  I don't make frantic efforts to avoid real/perceived abandonment, as our friends here with BPD'd people in their lives are too familiar with (except when I was 19 and left too many teary voicemails after getting "ghosted," although we didn't have that term back then!).  I wonder sometimes if I'm settling or avoiding successful relationships, but not many men in my professional/academic circles are the combo of kind-and-weird I find so wonderful. 

Where I do have issues, and I'm realizing now they're all likely related to abandonment, is perfectionism at work, not "putting myself out there" or seeking opportunities in my career because I fear disappointing others/failure, fearing complete rejection if I ask for what I need in any realm, the resentment I feel at my loved ones being emotionally unavailable, or the panic I feel when they're late and I can't get a hold of them.  Whether or not I've mentally played through witnessing someone's death is also a good indicator of how deeply I'm attached to them.

It would be nice to hear others' insights into their own experiences dealing with abandonment issues that surface in similar ways to mine, seeing as I'm quite early on in recognizing abandonment issues are the underlying cause of so many of the things that pain me.

Maxtrem

Hello @Wilderhearts, I experience many things similar to you.
In my case, however, it's not a fear of abandonment, but simply the consequences of growing up with conditional parental love. I too am a perfectionist and I realize that it's because I was always demanded to do so, otherwise I was denigrated. I never dared to ask for anything, because I was criticized for it, as long as I asked for it, I was considered selfish, immature... and I regretted it directly. I learned very early on to fend for myself and to never ask for anything. I never dared to speak up or put myself forward, because I was always forbidden to do so, never directly, but through criticism, denigration, manipulation... I have also learned to worry about others (especially about my uBPDM) and never about myself, since it is so self-centred...
For me, it's the result of a conditional love where perfection was demanded of me, which I give disproportionately without ever having expectations in return, if I didn't display these behaviours, there were smear campaigns against me, manipulation, disproportionate criticism... which also means that today I don't like to put myself forward. 

Wilderhearts

This is just what I'm starting to put together, Maxtrem.  Conditional parental regard/love is emotional abandonment.  Lack of protection in childhood, any form of neglect, or a child having their person rejected for simply making a mistake or having needs apparently is abandonment.

I guess what I'm trying to put together now is: what does abandonment look like (starting to get that, I think), what do I feel when it happens, how do I react, and what do I need to change in my reactions to become more adaptive?

Spring Butterfly

So much of what you both share resonates with me and recently I have found personal growth using Enneagram personality development. It addresses a core fear for each personality type including some of the ones you mentioned here. Enneagram Institute is a good website if you want to take a look.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage — prep beforehand and make time after to heal
blog for healing

Danie

My self-worth was pretty destroyed. I know that's a broad statement so more specifically I've just settled for things that weren't things I wanted. I never even imagined being financially self-sufficient because my mom always had money issues and projected them onto her children so I've only envisioned poverty and having very little.
My last 2 boyfriends, before my husband, told me I let them take me for granted. Now I feel like my husband takes me for granted; actually I know he does.