Elderly PD parents refusing to stay home putting their health at risk

Started by feenix, April 09, 2020, 04:34:44 AM

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feenix

My sister and I have organized everything so that our parents (89 and 90) have no need to go out, with home deliveries and their other needs taken care of. At first they seemed willing to cooperate, but It lasted for about a week, and now they are acting like irresponsible, rebellious, whinny teenagers.

My mother blames it on my father, saying he controls her, does what he wants and makes the rules, saying there's nothing she can do. She has told me that he goes out shopping early every morning for a few things and makes her stay home, like as if he's protecting her. But if he gets sick he will bring it home to her. My father reinvents reality to suit his immediate needs and agenda, which is control.

They've always been dysfunctional and drive each other crazy, now they are locked in the house together. Both still drive, are independent and had lots of interests and hobbies which allowed them to escape from each other, now they have to face reality and they are like a train wreck in slow motion.

They both have heart conditions and my father has Emphysema, and has just been diagnosed with some pre-cancer areas in his lungs, but it's difficult to get to the truth with him. They've both had heart attacks and have pacemakers. They are seriously in the high-risk category.

Talking to them is painful and disturbing, their communication is very dysfunctional, especially with my father, he turns everything into an opportunity to satisfy his emotional need for feeling superior and for control. So I've pretty much stepped back and I'm letting them get on with it, but I feel guilty and ashamed because I think I should be able to be more responsible for them in this situation.

Can anyone relate to this? Any words of wisdom appreciated.

GentleSoul

Hello Feenix

I very much relate to what you share, my mum has passed now but she would have been exactly as you describe.

I would have dealt with it in the same way as you,  I would have put things in place to help, as you have but then distanced myself.   

Please rest assure you have done all you can, I know is easier said than done but please try not to feel guilty.

All the best to you

Blueberry Pancakes

Hi Feenix - Yes, I have felt the same with my parents who are 85 and both have COPD. They are in the high risk group. Mom has dementia and dad is not computer savvy enough to do online shopping. As things worsened in our state, I did similar as you with setting up deliveries so they would not risk exposure.  Up to a couple weeks ago, I had only been contacting my parents every 2-3 months. I allowed my boundary of VLC to be trampled during this pandemic, and in doing so sacrificed my well being just so I would not have guilt if my parents got this virus.
I know this sounds bad, but my thought about this is your efforts are not worth the toll it will take on your own self and overall state of wellness. What you did to this point is enough. Let it be. You do not "owe" anything more to your parents. Let them get on with things on their own. 
You say that talking to your parents is painful and disturbing and they have a dysfunctional way of communicating. I experience the same with my parents. I told my dad about the deliveries I arranged for him, and all he said was I should get counselling because I was too stressed out and hung up on me. Then my mom with dementia told me my sister sent the groceries. No appreciation of my efforts. Again, I felt the lifelong feelings of disdain toward me and utter disregard. After that call with my parents last week, I am back to my VLC of only maybe calling them every 3 months, or perhaps not ever again. I am treating their ugly behavior toward me as added clarity that distancing them continues to be right for me.         
You say you stepped back. I think that is a good thing. Unless your parents ask for something specific, perhaps just remain low contact for your own health and peace of mind. You matter too.

feenix

Quote from: GentleSoul on April 09, 2020, 05:51:10 AM
Hello Feenix

.....Please rest assure you have done all you can, I know is easier said than done but please try not to feel guilty.

All the best to you

Thank you for your response and validation, your comments have been helpful  :)

feenix

Quote from: Blueberry Pancakes on April 09, 2020, 10:02:43 AM
Hi Feenix - Yes, I have felt the same with my parents who are 85 and both have COPD. They are in the high risk group. Mom has dementia and dad is not computer savvy enough to do online shopping. As things worsened in our state, I did similar as you with setting up deliveries so they would not risk exposure.  Up to a couple weeks ago, I had only been contacting my parents every 2-3 months. I allowed my boundary of VLC to be trampled during this pandemic, and in doing so sacrificed my well being just so I would not have guilt if my parents got this virus.
I know this sounds bad, but my thought about this is your efforts are not worth the toll it will take on your own self and overall state of wellness. What you did to this point is enough. Let it be. You do not "owe" anything more to your parents. Let them get on with things on their own. 
You say that talking to your parents is painful and disturbing and they have a dysfunctional way of communicating. I experience the same with my parents. I told my dad about the deliveries I arranged for him, and all he said was I should get counselling because I was too stressed out and hung up on me. Then my mom with dementia told me my sister sent the groceries. No appreciation of my efforts. Again, I felt the lifelong feelings of disdain toward me and utter disregard. After that call with my parents last week, I am back to my VLC of only maybe calling them every 3 months, or perhaps not ever again. I am treating their ugly behavior toward me as added clarity that distancing them continues to be right for me.         
You say you stepped back. I think that is a good thing. Unless your parents ask for something specific, perhaps just remain low contact for your own health and peace of mind. You matter too.

Thanks for your reply and for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry you are going through this too. I relate to your experience of having your sister get the credit for your efforts. The same thing happens in my family, but with my father. My sister is his golden child, and I'm his scapegoat.

I'm noticing that whenever I think about the situation, it brings up painful memories, and I get emotionally triggered. Then I feel my own stress increasing, I'm also not well and very sensitive to stress. I'm realizing there is only so much we can do, and you are right, I've been harmed enough by the family dysfunction, I'm not going to continue abusing myself by getting more involved when it's not helping. I usually stay LC too.  :yes:

When I see other emotionally healthy families rallying around, helping each other, it's easy to forget that my family is broken and doesn't work properly, not during normal times, and nothing changes in unusual circumstances. No matter what, everything is used by my father as an opportunity to meet his narc needs and for my mother to go along with it like as if it's perfectly normal and she has no choices of her own.

Thanks for commenting, wishing you the best.

JollyJazz

Hi Feenix,
I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through 😔 You have done your best, organised things for them to have all their needs taken care of. If they want to break the quarantine and go out, they are putting themselves and potentially others at risk, but you are not to blame for this.

Please don't feel ashamed and guilty. Often what happens to us scapegoats is we end up feeling over responsible. After a lifetime of being blamed for things that are not our fault, we end up blaming ourselves too. You've helped and supported your parents as much as you can.

I'm in a somewhat similar position, I am running around getting the groceries etc. for my parents who are also way in the at-risk group. There isn't much appreciation for my efforts and they tried to tell me I'm likely to die (even though I'm in my 30's and very healthy). They are staying put though, and doing things like coughing near people when they are out on walks (awful I know) so the other people stay away. I'm just glad they are also at a distance from me and are unlikely to attempt one of their random little visits.

Spring Butterfly

Good for you!

QuoteSo I've pretty much stepped back and I'm letting them get on with it, but I feel guilty and ashamed because I think I should be able to be more responsible for them in this situation.
...should be more responsible? What does that look like exactly? How would you control 2 adults? How do you stop other adults from doing what they wish?

Remember the three C's we didn't create it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. You did what you could to ensure their safety and as adults they are free to make their own choices even if those choices differ from what we would choose for ourselves or what we wish for others.

"Letting them" get on with it is the only realistic choice. Once we become adults and individuate we were supposed to get on with our life and they're supposed to get on with their life. Being there to coordinate and arrange for assistance is loving but if others don't want it we can't force it on them.

FWIW uPDm and enF or what I would consider medically neglectful but I have no choice but to let them make their own individual adult choices. If and when fallout does occur I will coordinate care as needed if needed. other than that I too have had to limit interaction as it is far too stressful and impacting to my own mental, emotional and physical health.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage — prep beforehand and make time after to heal
blog for healing

sandpiper

Call your GP and the police and ask if a higher power (police & the mental health team) can step in to do something you cant. Like, threaten them with jail, hefty fines, or even more fun, being assessed for mental competence and sectioned.
DH & I were very ill for 5 weeks prior to testing kits becoming available -  and our GP thinks it very likely we had Plague.
We self-isolated immediately & I warned everyone around us to stay clear & to watch for symptoms if they'd had contact with us.
After doing that in order to protect the herd I am more than willing to deliver a good kick to the rump of anyone who is willing to put the rest of society in danger. Someone got quite miffy with me yesterday when I told them their behaviour was putting others in danger. I got the 'you've hurt my feeeelings' wail followed by the attempt to stack 'sides' and triangulate others. If people want to moan about their feeeeelings while there is a global pandemic and their behaviour is adding to it, tough.
Speak to your GP. They may know where to refer this - it's dangerous and if the best you can do is report it, then you've done all you can.

blacksheep7

Hi Feenix,

I understand that you can not do any more with your parents but people who don't respect confinement are irresponsable, especially if they are in the high risk category. That's  my point of view.  As others said, they endanger other people and obstruct the hospitals/health system.

I'm writing today because yesterday I spoke with my niece and found out that my widowed 87 yr old nm (I am nc) didn't want to stay home either.  She would still go to her surrogate dd :doh:  I'm not surprised by her behavior.
She said that she didn't care if she got the virus as she has lived her life.  I could understand that it must be awful lonely but it's selfish and irresponsable not thinking of the possibility transmitting it to others.

As for the rest, she hasn't changed.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

guitarman

Abusers are all about power and control. The last thing that they want is to be told what to do because they are always in control. They think they are immune to disease and that it won't happen to them because they are some how special. They are arrogant and haughty.

You love and care about them. You show you do by not wanting them to get ill and not wanting them to go out. They see that as controlling behaviour and disempowering them.

Maybe you could say to them that it would make you feel happy and less worried if they stayed in because you love and care about them. That way you are talking more about your feelings rather than telling them off.

You could try using "I" statements more rather than "You".

Maybe you could validate their feelings more by saying that you understand that it is very hard for them and they must be very frustrated and annoyed like you are, like we all are. Whatever happens keep calm.

If their continued behaviour is a danger to themselves or others then the authorities need to be informed. It's the responsible thing to do. Calmly give the responsibility of their care over to the professionals.

Maybe they need more physical exercise at home if they can't go out. I don't know how you can arrange that. Maybe some singing and dancing? Exercise increases serotonin levels and makes people more happy. 

You are treating them with loving kindness. They just can't see that.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

littlevoice

Hi,
This is exactly what I am going through. I too am feeling extreme guilt about not being able to "save" my mother from herself, and it's taking a real toll on my mental health. Like you, I arranged for weekly meals to be delivered, only to find out that she is still going shopping with my aunt. I'm so angry with her for being so selfish and incompetent (she can't figure anything out). She's going back to work as a hairdresser next week, and I'm just dumbfounded. I'm furious, scared, guilty, and a mess.

p123

Yeh my old man the same. I get calls "I've had enough, I'm going to go out anyway, if I get it and die then thats it, isn't it?".

I ignore him now. Hes perfectly sound of mind and an adult. I can stop him. Go for it. Not my circus not my monkeys....

Deep down he ain't gonna do it anyway though!

Spring Butterfly

The toolbox topic "Not My Stuff" became my mantra until in my heart if finally felt free. It took time but it finally sunk in that I'm not responsible for other people. Deep programming from birth made us responsible. Rewrite the program.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage — prep beforehand and make time after to heal
blog for healing