Irrational labels, possible infertility trigger

[daughterofbpd]

Warning: possible infertility trigger

I've done a lot of healing and most of what my M says just rolls of my back these days. But there are some things she'll start talking about that are old triggers. I know they aren't worth arguing over because she wouldn't get it so I change the subject instead. Something I thought a lot about while healing was how my M somehow got me to believe I was infertile with literally no evidence that I might be. I knew it was irrational thinking on my part but her little comments over the years got to me and I had trouble imagining myself being pregnant. I was literally too scared to even start trying to have a baby. I was actually very very fortunate that I got pregnant before we "officially" started trying. Even then, I excused all the signs for weeks and took numerous pregnancy tests and even went to the doctor to confirm before I even dared tell my husband. Then I was so sure I wouldn't be able to retain the pregnancy.

I know my M's way of thinking is irrational. I don't believe that infertile = flawed AT ALL but it still feels like this is another way my M views me a flawed, incapable, etc. Whatever, that's her weird issue, not mine. But today my M brings up how me getting pregnant must have been my deceased grandma's doing, because there was basically no way I could have gotten pregnant on my own.  It makes me angry that I suffered a lot of fear, anxiety, and stress over some label she decided to assign to me.

Anyway, thanks for reading, tough day and I needed to vent. I thought I was doing great this year (Mother's Day) but I still found myself feeling resentful.

Was anyone else affected by their parent's irrational thoughts on fertility?

[Danden]

I can relate to how my pregnancy seemed to be a problem with my M.  It is such an important and life-affirming thing, and something they have absolutely no involvement in.  I got married when I was 32 and until that time, my M had written me off that I would never, ever get married.  After I was engaged, she said as much to my future mil.  Very inappropriate.  When my daughter was born, I think she was disappointed that my daughter was born healthy and well.  This is because her first child did unfortunately die in childbirth.  So she thought the same thing would (or should?) happen to me.  Weird.  And ugly.  When one is trying to have a baby it is always difficult I think because we just don't have control over whether it will happen or not.  That is true for everyone so I can understand how your mom's comments would make you feel insecure.  All of us are a little insecure anyway when it comes to that.  What a thing to say that there was no way you could have gotten pregnant on your own.  Just another way to diminish you in a way that is so basic to your humanity.  I'm so sorry for that.  I kind of relate to it also because I tried to have a second pregnancy and I was told by infertility doctors that there was no way it could possibly happen for me.  They were basing this on "medical information" that was really profit-motivated.  But it was very devastating to hear, (and unethical and cruel because it was untrue).   I knew there was something off after I became very well educated on the science of it.  But still the pain and confusion of it was extremely high.  Why would they say such a thing?  So wrong.  It led to a lot of fear and anxiety for me, and I didn't enjoy my second pregnancy like I should, because I just kept hearing their voices in my head.  Like what your mother said to you.    I'm so sorry you had to have that in your life.  I hope the birth of your children will erase all of that for you.   

[Andeza]

Much love to both of you, I'm sorry that our mothers are so sucky around pregnancy and childbirth. It's a beautiful, normal thing and they just have to poo poo it somehow.

My own mother used to imply I would have issues having babies because I'm very petite. I turned it over, chewed on it for a while, did some research, and ultimately dismissed it. I usually chose not to listen to my uBPDm because I considered her uneducated and ignorant. I know that sounds mean, but allow me to explain. My mother has long blended her own personal fairy-tale world with tiny pieces of science and modern medicine. Her magical thinking always left me rolling my eyes growing up and I'm surprised that by the time I gave birth they hadn't rolled right out of my head. She even all but promised I would have to have a C-section because I was born in that manner and clearly there would be problems or the baby would be too big.

I know why she said the things she did. She herself likely never would have carried a pregnancy to term due to issues with her reproductive health. She wasn't infertile, she just couldn't carry. In fact, she did have at least one miscarriage that I know of. It permanently traumatized her. I do feel pity for her in that circumstance, as I would wish it on no one. I believe it was that miscarriage that locked her away as emotionally immature and guaranteed her later BPD behavior.

The part that gets loopy is that I'm fairly certain she wanted, desperately wanted, for me to be the same as her. I'm adopted. I don't carry her genetics but I know that's what she wanted. I NEEDED to be just like her. When I carried on through pregnancy without any complications (it was about as easy as a pregnancy and birth could possibly be, thank God) I believe she was truly disappointed somewhere deep down. had something happened, she would have triumphantly crowed "I knew it!" Or something similarly hurtful.

Our pd parents are walking parenting guides. They teach us what NOT to do. Take care of yourselves!

[daughterofbpd]

Thank you Danden & Andeza for your replies, although I'm sorry you can relate. Sometimes its almost like she wants me to have health problems so she can say "I told you so." I guess the fertility issue is along those lines.

[Thru the Rain]

But today my M brings up how me getting pregnant must have been my deceased grandma's doing, because there was basically no way I could have gotten pregnant on my own.

I had to laugh at this since really you didn't do this "all on your own" - I'm sure there was at least one other person involved. 

I wonder how much of the "you can't get pregnant" is "you can't have sex" in disguise? A way to keep you in a child's role.