How Many Had "Overprotective' Abusive Parents?

[Bella]

 
Then you don't know how to function on your own, every attempt at independence is met with a nuclear explosion with others complicit of helping them and they tell everyone you are the one who pushed the launch button.
You  are left holding the wreckage of you life and only the path back to them is left.
At least that's what they want you to see.
There is a machete left untouched, it is you.
You can make your own way it will likely be A war zone or a jungle but better that than going back to them.

I prepping myself up lol.

[Bella]

Yes!  My parents were overprotective, too.   It was mostly my uPDM, but on the rare occasion she wasn't my enD jumped in and said no.   As long as I was living at home (well after turning 18 - until i was almost 30 and defied her by going to graduate school) they told me I wasn't allowed to go on a summer vacation with friends, on a spring break trip (not MTV type Spring Break - I didn't even drink), any vacation that wasn't with them.   I was 28 years old!  I wasn't allowed to move out of their house and in with my best friend after college or even spend the night at a friend's house after I graduated from college.  There were financial consequences (she was on all of my accounts including my car) to everything to prevent  me from leaving.  She would not have gotten in the way if I married a specific guy from college who she thought she could bully, but he had a PD mother and PD fleas.   He lied to me to protect his mother constantly.  When i finally broke up with him PDm was furious.

The only trips away I managed to get permission to go on in school were church trips because she wouldn't tell the pastor no in most cases. it would have embarrassed her.  I threw myself head first into my church and religion to get away from her.   She wasn't allowed to chaperone church trips.   They had enough volunteers and I think the adults there knew what she was like.  Then I was nominated to go on a mission trip out of the country.  Nope, she had has every excuse under the sun why I couldn't go.   The one out of town high school field trip I went on she chaperoned otherwise I couldn't have gone.  My friends went on school field trips to Disney, Canada, Spain, big US cities.   Nope.   I wasn't allowed.  She was being overprotective because she "loved me so much"!

I heard from every relative and some church adults that she was overprotective because she loved me so much.   She explained it that I was an only and other parents had other children if one died   Now that I'm a parent of multiple children,  I see how crazy the idea of the other kids being "back up children" if the first died really is!

In order to marry my husband, I dropped out of grad school and moved across the country and into his apartment.  I only told her days ahead.  I didn't need her financial or physical help to move.  She was furious.  I moved to a major city.   She then started watching the news for that major city and calling constantly every time she heard about a crime or fire insisting I shouldn't leave the apartment.  Finally DH picked up the phone, told her that he read that there was a garbage fire in a town in the state where she lived (there was... 5 hours from her) and that she shouldn't leave her house either.   She was furious and used that as a reason DH was "sooooo meaaaaan" to her.

I felt guilty for years that I shouldn't rebel against her overprotective ways.  It was because she loved me.  No, she cared about herself, her anxieties, her uncomfortable feelings.   I tell my daughter all of the time that my job is to teach her all of the skills she needs by the time she is 18-20 to be able to survive on her own.  She can still ask advice, but like some here said I'm working myself out of a job as they get older.  That's my job.  It's not to keep my kids trapped in my house till they are 30! 

And the few times I did try to do things on my own in my 20s (job, college in another state, job out of town) they didn't go well because I wasn't prepared for them.   She used that as proof as why I shouldn't leave her house.

Thank you for saying this. I am in a similar situation and I am still rationalising reasons to stay or keep in touch once I am freer but it's definitely not a good idea.

[freedom77]

Such great responses from everyone.
Many would have described my BPD/N mother as "overprotective". For her though, it was all about control, and keeping me handy to do her bidding, and keep her in N supply.

I can recall vivid memories of my childhood and youth where she would literally stalk me, and not allow me to have fun like other kids had, under the guise of wanting to keep me safe, but actually I think she rather enjoyed depriving me, and having that control and power over me.

She would allow me to go to the community pool (this was circa 1980s. Kids, ones with normal lives that is, had LOADS MORE freedom than they do nowadays), but my friends and I would see her drive by slowly. At least once an hour, she'd pass the fenced in pool, tucked into a rec center. It wasn't like she was just driving by, say on her way somewhere. You had to deliberately enter the recreation compound and drive to where the pool was, so she was legit stalking on me. My friends would look at me weirdly and ask, "Why does your mom always drive by when you're here...??" It was embarrassing. I asked her why, and she would get rageful and hiss out an answer claiming I'm not trustworthy (mind you, I worked VERY HARD not to cross her), or that she didn't trust my friends, or that it was none of my business what she did and she can check up on me anytime she wants. 

Mind you she left me alone with a pedophile for hours and hours while she worked....for years. And many other atrociously irresponsible things...but whatev...

There were other humiliating things as well...repeatedly calling friends homes while at a sleep over, showing up to bring me home, reading my diary and journal to herself and aloud to others, rifling thru my personals and drawers, wearing my clothes, make-up and jewelry despite how ridiculous a 40 year old mother of 3 looks in a 14 year old's wardrobe...

I never believed any of it was to keep me safe. It was all about power, control, humiliation, and smugness that any joy I may have derived from the miserable existence she gave me was snuffed out.

It's not like once she got me home, or ruined my good time, she would plop on the couch with ice cream sundaes and watch re-runs of the Brady Bunch with me, and cuddle. Nope, once she got me home, she'd leave me with the pervert, or ignore me, or scream at me. Or give me a bunch of grunt work chores to do.

The woman was a sadist. And the longer I am away from her and Out of the FOG...the more I realize the truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth.

[PeanutButter]

Such great responses from everyone.
Many would have described my BPD/N mother as "overprotective". For her though, it was all about control, and keeping me handy to do her bidding, and keep her in N supply.

I can recall vivid memories of my childhood and youth where she would literally stalk me, and not allow me to have fun like other kids had, under the guise of wanting to keep me safe, but actually I think she rather enjoyed depriving me, and having that control and power over me.

She would allow me to go to the community pool (this was circa 1980s. Kids, ones with normal lives that is, had LOADS MORE freedom than they do nowadays), but my friends and I would see her drive by slowly. At least once an hour, she'd pass the fenced in pool, tucked into a rec center. It wasn't like she was just driving by, say on her way somewhere. You had to deliberately enter the recreation compound and drive to where the pool was, so she was legit stalking on me. My friends would look at me weirdly and ask, "Why does your mom always drive by when you're here...??" It was embarrassing. I asked her why, and she would get rageful and hiss out an answer claiming I'm not trustworthy (mind you, I worked VERY HARD not to cross her), or that she didn't trust my friends, or that it was none of my business what she did and she can check up on me anytime she wants. 

Mind you she left me alone with a pedophile for hours and hours while she worked....for years. And many other atrociously irresponsible things...but whatev...

There were other humiliating things as well...repeatedly calling friends homes while at a sleep over, showing up to bring me home, reading my diary and journal to herself and aloud to others, rifling thru my personals and drawers, wearing my clothes, make-up and jewelry despite how ridiculous a 40 year old mother of 3 looks in a 14 year old's wardrobe...

I never believed any of it was to keep me safe. It was all about power, control, humiliation, and smugness that any joy I may have derived from the miserable existence she gave me was snuffed out.

It's not like once she got me home, or ruined my good time, she would plop on the couch with ice cream sundaes and watch re-runs of the Brady Bunch with me, and cuddle. Nope, once she got me home, she'd leave me with the pervert, or ignore me, or scream at me. Or give me a bunch of grunt work chores to do.

The woman was a sadist. And the longer I am away from her and Out of the FOG...the more I realize the truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth.

Omy freedom77 thats atrocious! Im so sorry!
My mom also raged and 'hissed'.

[DaisyGirl77]

One of the stupidest parts to me today is remembering the restrictions on movies and TV. What were they protecting me from when I was living every day in an abusive house? Our every day life was more nightmarish than most anything I could have seen on TV.

I had the same issue growing up.  We weren't allowed to watch the most ridiculous things that, even now, my friends tease me for "living under a rock."  Since my answer to "Have you seen this?" is generally going to be "no."

My parents were also extremely controlling but also..not.  We were expected to come straight home after school & do our homework.  I didn't get to hang out at friends' houses because they made so much of a stink over the inconvenience & "How do you not know when you'll be ready to come home?!"  Gee...I don't know.  Until I'm ready?  Or when the project's done?  ...that it was just easier not to.  Going to the library to work on projects that had to be done there was a thing.  They demanded I tell them precisely what time I had to be home & I had to leave at that time to head home.  If I was late getting home, I got the third degree.

But I also had no car so I got everywhere I needed to go on foot if my parents couldn't get me there & back, which was 90% of the time.  I actually walked 7.5 miles (ONE WAY!) to get to my dentist's appointment at 17.  My dentist actually was so shocked I'd walked all that way that she brought me home after my appointment.

I wanted to do a couple extracurriculars at school, but ended up not trying for most of them (except show choir & that was after a fight) because it was such an incredibly exhausting hurdle with getting them to let me do that.  When I did show choir twice a week in high school, my parents acted like the $2 bus fare (total) broke the bank & I asked for way too much.  But they also couldn't get me home after it let out because... well, because.  Because supper needs to be cooked as soon as they get home.  Because they have to wait for Sis1 (2 years younger) to get home from school.  Because they need to work overtime.  Because that's too much gas to spend on a 3.5 mile trip home.  Because, because, because.

At the same time, we were told that if we missed the school bus, we'd have to get there on our own because they weren't going to bring us there.  Or we could come home & have an unexcused absence on our record & chores to do for the day.  We went.  The few times I missed the bus (due to a weather delay or finals) I'd get home & tell them I walked to school.  EACH TIME:  "Why didn't you come home?  I would've brought you there."  Why?  You've always said we're on our own.  Were you lying when you said that?  *silence*

Then, when I hadn't had my period in 5 months I got worried & told my parents.  OH.  MY.  GOD.  It was NUCLEAR.  They accused me of sleeping around, demanding to know who the father was.  The MOMENT I told them that I'd never even had sex, & I had zero interest in all the pimply high school boys (literally, I had no interest in anyone back then), & even if I DID have sex, HOW THE HELL COULD I HAVE WHEN I'M ALWAYS HOME EXACTLY WHEN THEY EXPECTED ME TO BE HOME?  AND I NEVER WENT ANYWHERE SO...  HOW?!  They shut the hell up.  & they took me to the doctor.  Funnily enough, after that, my body decided it wasn't going to stop bleeding & opened the floodgates.  I had to have medical intervention to get that to stop.  Go figure.

I wasn't allowed to choose when to stop going to church.  (They went through a long stage of being God-fearing Christians beginning around the time I was 10-11.)  When I expressed not wanting to go, it was "The devil's attacking you.  You MUST go.  He has to be cast out!"  Same thing for if I had a headache or wasn't feeling well.  I loathed Sundays.  Their religious abuse toward me drove me away from church to the point where I'm agnostic & Sis2 is atheist.  The only people who are still religious are uNM (she's perhaps gotten worse over the years & smatters it with some spiritual bullshit & is "psychic" but she uses it to make herself feel better about herself & manipulate people cuz how can anyone argue with someone saying they "saw" it happen?) & Sis1, who's very much like uNM.  I am so militantly agnostic that I refuse to refer to the higher power as "god" because they made it so overwhelmingly negative for me.  I use Divine instead, which angers them.

Clothes were too expensive so I wore a lot of sweats because they came in sets.  It wasn't until I was 18 & making my own money at a retail job that I could finally explore my own style preferences, although that was also a mild argument because uNM demanded I buy a certain shirt that I KNEW would look so horrifically ugly on me so I caved to shut her up.  The shirt arrived, I tried it on in Sis2's presence & we both had such a look of revulsion that it instantly went back to the store.  uNM had to verify with Sis2 that it was just as ugly on me as I knew it'd be because apparently I didn't know how to dress my own body.  But it was only after that lesson of hers that she didn't offer an opinion until I asked her for one.

My senior year was the most explosive because I just couldn't take the oppression anymore, & I just needed to BREATHE.  To make mistakes & learn from them.  To escape from that very confining box they'd put me in when I was a baby.  We had a showdown that lasted for 3 days.  I finally "won" at the end of it, but am still incredibly bitter that it took them 17 years before they'd let go of the crushing limitations & rules & all the other nonsense.

Luckily for me, our parents divorced 9 years ago so I can maintain a basic relationship with my father.  I haven't spoken to uNM in 4.5 years.  NC with her is permanent.  Sis1 has been at arm's length for years, but more so now since she lives with uNM at present to save money for her next place & is therefore not a safe person for me.  Sis2 realizes now that our upbringing was really unhealthy, sees uNM's manipulations for what they are & is able to call her out on them without the conversation escalating in toxicity.  It also helps her case since Sis2 is the only one with a child & uNM is desperate to see her grandchild & won't cross lines to lose that privilege.  Both sisters have been NC with our father for something like 15 years.

[nanotech]

There are clear examples here of the engulfing/ discarding patterns that went on for many of us.
At its heart seems to lie THEIR best interests. Whichever you get depends on what suits THEM best.
When I post here then read caring responses, it's validating for me. I'm 61 and still struggling with much of it.
My first real belief that it actually wasn't me  just being an awful daughter, was a couple of years ago, when my therapist expressed sympathy for ' what I'd been though.'
And here too I see it expressed. Wow.
When I first hear it spoken or see it written down, the universe shifts for a few seconds. Then I get to see things from the 'outside', and then........ I understand that it's okay -to feel that I was treated badly.
I begin to feel that Yup it was true. Yet why is this a process as I KNOW it was, and is, true!! Even now the brainwashing works hard to pull me back into the fog. 
The fact is it's not a pleasant thing to admit.
I don't want to think of my parents as abusive.
Is it the same for others? That even while you welcome validation, you have a kind of  resigned expectation that you will hear a defence of the abusers, and you will feel quite undeserving of out and out sympathy, appropriate though it is to hear and receive?
Hmmm strange.
I think on a literal level I can accept sympathy, yet emotionally I'm still unsure I deserve it?
It may be just me.

[PeanutButter]

There are clear examples here of the engulfing/ discarding patterns that went on for many of us.
At its heart seems to lie THEIR best interests. Whichever you get depends on what suits THEM best.
When I post here then read caring responses, it's validating for me. I'm 61 and still struggling with much of it.
My first real belief that it actually wasn't me  just being an awful daughter, was a couple of years ago, when my therapist expressed sympathy for ' what I'd been though.'
And here too I see it expressed. Wow.
When I first hear it spoken or see it written down, the universe shifts for a few seconds. Then I get to see things from the 'outside', and then........ I understand that it's okay -to feel that I was treated badly.
I begin to feel that Yup it was true. Yet why is this a process as I KNOW it was, and is, true!! Even now the brainwashing works hard to pull me back into the fog. 
The fact is it's not a pleasant thing to admit.
I don't want to think of my parents as abusive.
Is it the same for others? That even while you welcome validation, you have a kind of  resigned expectation that you will hear a defence of the abusers, and you will feel quite undeserving of out and out sympathy, appropriate though it is to hear and receive?
Hmmm strange.
I think on a literal level I can accept sympathy, yet emotionally I'm still unsure I deserve it?
It may be just me.

You are so right. Thank you for 'naming' it. This always helps me a little to name the behavior.
And I get it. I go back and forth with my thoughts and it isnt pleasant to think of a parent this way.
Actually I have a very recent example of feeling this way myself. It is the topic I started about projection, scapegoating, Munchousen.
I know it was abuse but I thought maybe someone could tell me it wasnt.
Basically the shortened version is
" I am the scapegoat in my foo. My updM use to declare to me and others that 'there was something 'mentally' or 'emotionally' wrong with me. Now that im typing this it did seem like it was an accusation of 'you are defective' NOT a sincere concern 'im worried i want you to be well let me help you.'
It was used as evidence to discredit me when I didnt do what she wanted. She was a 'right' fighter. If she needed my 'taking issue' with her behavior, or 'disagreement' with her thoughts, feelings, or advice to be invalid, she would do the "you are just like your D (gma, aunt, or some person she also claimed was probably psychologically 'defective' on a regular basis).
M did not ever 'get me help' in any fashion. She did not even mention that.
Now I was eventually diagnosed 3 times as an adult with 'post partemn depression', 'severe depressive episode', 'anxiety disorder, and 'bipolar depression'. So its confusing.
Is this an understandable reaction from a parent who is just worried that their child may have some kind of mental or emotional 'issues' who has issues themselves and doesnt know what to do?"
So see I definately relate to 'not wanting to believe it was abuse' even after all these years and I know it was.
I think its very much evidence that people dont just no or low contact to punish or harm the other person. Its very hard. We wish it wasnt true.