My father says he wants to die

[Spirit in the sky]

The nursing home phoned to say they were concerned my father was in a low mood and was saying he wanted to die. I think the nurse was surprised I didn't react.

I have been hearing those words everyday for the last 6 months and I think I'm immune. The nurse also said his stats were normal but as he's only been there 2 weeks they don't know his patterns of behaviour.

I keep asking myself how I feel? And I feel nothing. Some days I feel sorry for him that he is in a nursing home with no visitors and that he could die there alone.  Do I want to see him ? Truthfully no.

Will I feel relief when he does actually die. Yes. I've been living with this fear and anxiety for years and I don't know if it's empathy fatigue or I've just had enough and emotionally switched off.

I found my old wedding album yesterday and I looked at photos of my father and it was like looking at a stranger. I have no idea who he is, he's just this man who lived with my mother and they fought all the time. He made her cry all the time and that's all I remember.

I've no happy childhood memories, I have no personal mementos that he gave me. I've no stories that he shared with me, I can't remember I'd he ever gave me a kind word, a smile or any genuine affection. I remember him giving me money and then expecting to look after him because he'd paid me.

I don't even believe he is dying, I think he's using the nurse as his fresh narcissistic supply. I've only spoken to her on the phone but she's so kind and caring and I suspect she's just another victim.

[nanotech]

I'm sending hugs.
I've a dad who is UNPD. I do have some nice memories from my childhood.But then again  I was quite a compliant child. Then, shock horror, I became a teenager.
Teen years -everything hit the fan.

Hugs hugs hugs to you.
I'm sorry for what you've been through and I'm sorry that society wrongly puts expectations on us to hero -worship our elderly parents, regardless of how they treated us as children, as young people, and how they treat us as adults.
Getting old makes everyone vulnerable.
It will happen to us all. I'm already feeling it at 60plus.
My dad is 88 and he still views me as his child who serves him.
Your dad-
It sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Classic triangulation.
Look  after your mental health and keep away. Don't take on that FOG. Not one bit of it. ❤️

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, emotional blackmail!!! This is just a step down from a manipulative suicide threat. He didn't want to be there, and he's going to make sure everyone knows how he's suffering. So someone can come to the rescue. Nope.

[WomanInterrupted]

Spirit, I understand!  I used to hate those calls from the nursing home where it was unsaid, but there was a  certain expectation that I DO something about unNPD Ray - he's acting out, he wants his money, he thinks his house sold for a bajillion dollars 'cuz Zillow said so (AAAAAARGH!  ), he's lonely, he's bored and he's making everybody's life miserable, including his own.... 

This was after I specifically told them I was NO CONTACT with Ray.  I didn't know what they wanted or expected from me,  I don't know where the OFF switch is, and I wasn't going over there - period. 

Finally, a brain wave hit me and it was such successful brain wave that I'd like to share it with you.   

The next  time I  got the same damned phone call, I said, "I seem to be Ray's biggest TRIGGER.  If he sees me or hears from me, all he's going to do is make life miserable for the staff and the other residents."

They FINALLY stopped calling and expecting me to do some magical, mythical SOMETHING, which would be giving him a supply.   

The only calls I get now are if he falls or if they're upping his meds.  Nobody tries to lay on the emotional blackmail - probably because Ray has been there over 4 years and they've seen all the stupid tricks and idiotic ploys he tries to get away with. 

If anybody from the nursing home calls to tell you your father is this, that, the other, bored, lonely, depressed, wants to die - tell them you seem to be his biggest trigger.  He'll be an unholy terror after hearing your voice - please don't call again.

With luck, that should be the end of that.  You do NOT have to phone your dad and tell him to cheer up, life isn't that bad - and if you tell them you're his trigger and they *still* contact you, I'd go one step further and block them, because his moods are NOT your responsibility.   

Your father is using the nurses, just like Ray was using them.  They're not wise to your father yet - but in time, they will be, and probably won't be so easily snowed.

I know what you mean about being raised by a stranger and having no feelings toward him - I dropped off Ray's belongings at the nursing home without visiting, much like you'd drop an unwanted dog off at the pound.  I felt nothing but relief, and grateful that he was somebody else's problem.

I felt nothing as I dismantled Ray's affairs - everything he'd worked his entire life to save and achieve.  I was completely indifferent as I signed it all away (at "Saul's" instruction), sold it, parked some of it in my own bank account (again, per Saul), and had 95% of his belongings hauled away to the dump.

I felt nothing as I dismantled his elaborate funeral and had it downgraded to no wake, no mass, no service, from the nursing home to the embalming table to the mausoleum, and that's that.

I felt nothing as I went though old photos - I didn't know he could smile.  I thought all he knew how to do were scowl, scream, and blame others - usually me - for what I SHOULD and COULD have done differently. 

I'm okay with feeling nothing.  I think you'll get to the same point too, where you think, "Well, you reap what you sow.  He sowed nothing, so he has no crops and can now sit down to a big banquet of absolutely nothing."

Spirit, no matter what your  father thinks, you ARE a GOOD DAUGHTER. 

You made sure he got where he needed to be, to get the care he requires and NOT what he thinks you, your mom and the entire world owes him.

You stood strong and didn't knuckle in to pressure, knowing you were making the right decision, even if your dad is incapable of seeing it - just like unNPD Ray.

That makes you a GOOD DAUGHTER.   

You've done all you could - and a hell of a lot more than most.  You tried  until it  became unreasonable for him to stay at home - and now your watch has ended. 

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank Nanotech,

I expected to feel something but all I could think of was 'here we go again'.
The nurse assured me he's in no pain, I had a delivery of his favourite snacks sent to him on Monday. Not sure what else he wants, he doesn't seem to appreciate everyone is experiencing a challenging time at the minute with the virus.

I'm sending hugs.
I've a dad who is UNPD. I do have some nice memories from my childhood.But then again  I was quite a compliant child. Then, shock horror, I became a teenager.
Teen years -everything hit the fan.

Hugs hugs hugs to you.
I'm sorry for what you've been through and I'm sorry that society wrongly puts expectations on us to hero -worship our elderly parents, regardless of how they treated us as children, as young people, and how they treat us as adults.
Getting old makes everyone vulnerable.
It will happen to us all. I'm already feeling it at 60plus.
My dad is 88 and he still views me as his child who serves him.
Your dad-
It sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Classic triangulation.
Look  after your mental health and keep away. Don't take on that FOG. Not one bit of it. ❤️

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks Call me Cordelia,

I've been hearing things like this on a constant loop for 6 months.
'I just want to die'
'if I was a horse they would shoot me'
'I've nothing to live for'
'What's the point in living'
'Just let me die'
'I haven't long left'
'What does it matter, I'm dying anyway'
'I might as well be dead, no one cares'

Endless pity party !

Yes, emotional blackmail!!! This is just a step down from a manipulative suicide threat. He didn't want to be there, and he's going to make sure everyone knows how he's suffering. So someone can come to the rescue. Nope.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks WI,

Hope you are well.

I think I'm trying to navigate between how I actually feel and how I think I should feel. In my head I think if I had a normal relationship with my father I would be upset and crying. But I didn't have a normal relationship and I feel nothing.

No one apart from the good  folks here understand, they talk about their experiences when their father died and obviously they had a close relationship and they were devastated, I get that. People keep offering me kind words and sympathy and I don't want it, I'm putting on an act that I care. Obviously I don't want to think I'm a cold hearted cow.

It just seems to be dragging on, I know shouldn't wish anyone dead. But even for his benefit I wish it was over. And makes me feel like a bad person.

Thanks for saying I am a good daughter, I try.

Spirit, I understand!  I used to hate those calls from the nursing home where it was unsaid, but there was a  certain expectation that I DO something about unNPD Ray - he's acting out, he wants his money, he thinks his house sold for a bajillion dollars 'cuz Zillow said so (AAAAAARGH!  ), he's lonely, he's bored and he's making everybody's life miserable, including his own.... 

This was after I specifically told them I was NO CONTACT with Ray.  I didn't know what they wanted or expected from me,  I don't know where the OFF switch is, and I wasn't going over there - period. 

Finally, a brain wave hit me and it was such successful brain wave that I'd like to share it with you.   

The next  time I  got the same damned phone call, I said, "I seem to be Ray's biggest TRIGGER.  If he sees me or hears from me, all he's going to do is make life miserable for the staff and the other residents."

They FINALLY stopped calling and expecting me to do some magical, mythical SOMETHING, which would be giving him a supply.   

The only calls I get now are if he falls or if they're upping his meds.  Nobody tries to lay on the emotional blackmail - probably because Ray has been there over 4 years and they've seen all the stupid tricks and idiotic ploys he tries to get away with. 

If anybody from the nursing home calls to tell you your father is this, that, the other, bored, lonely, depressed, wants to die - tell them you seem to be his biggest trigger.  He'll be an unholy terror after hearing your voice - please don't call again.

With luck, that should be the end of that.  You do NOT have to phone your dad and tell him to cheer up, life isn't that bad - and if you tell them you're his trigger and they *still* contact you, I'd go one step further and block them, because his moods are NOT your responsibility.   

Your father is using the nurses, just like Ray was using them.  They're not wise to your father yet - but in time, they will be, and probably won't be so easily snowed.

I know what you mean about being raised by a stranger and having no feelings toward him - I dropped off Ray's belongings at the nursing home without visiting, much like you'd drop an unwanted dog off at the pound.  I felt nothing but relief, and grateful that he was somebody else's problem.

I felt nothing as I dismantled Ray's affairs - everything he'd worked his entire life to save and achieve.  I was completely indifferent as I signed it all away (at "Saul's" instruction), sold it, parked some of it in my own bank account (again, per Saul), and had 95% of his belongings hauled away to the dump.

I felt nothing as I dismantled his elaborate funeral and had it downgraded to no wake, no mass, no service, from the nursing home to the embalming table to the mausoleum, and that's that.

I felt nothing as I went though old photos - I didn't know he could smile.  I thought all he knew how to do were scowl, scream, and blame others - usually me - for what I SHOULD and COULD have done differently. 

I'm okay with feeling nothing.  I think you'll get to the same point too, where you think, "Well, you reap what you sow.  He sowed nothing, so he has no crops and can now sit down to a big banquet of absolutely nothing."

Spirit, no matter what your  father thinks, you ARE a GOOD DAUGHTER. 

You made sure he got where he needed to be, to get the care he requires and NOT what he thinks you, your mom and the entire world owes him.

You stood strong and didn't knuckle in to pressure, knowing you were making the right decision, even if your dad is incapable of seeing it - just like unNPD Ray.

That makes you a GOOD DAUGHTER.   

You've done all you could - and a hell of a lot more than most.  You tried  until it  became unreasonable for him to stay at home - and now your watch has ended. 

[Spirit in the sky]

The nursing home phoned today to say my father isn't really eating. His nurse is so kind and she says she's worried about him because all his stats are good but she doesn't understand why he doesn't eat. She's phoned the doctor and they said to just make him comfortable and not force him.

Once again I don't know if he is genuinely dying or attention seeking because he has stopped eating before when he wasn't getting his own way. The nurse says she feels sorry for him and I'm wondering if he is using her as fresh narcissistic supply, it's only this one nurse he plays up with, looking for sympathy and he's rude to the carers.

I sat out in the garden yesterday evening praying because I don't know how I am supposed to feel. If he is genuinely dying this time I want to be able to feel empathy and compassion. But I don't trust him even now, not to be manipulative. I sense he's sending me hateful vibes even though he knows I can't visit him. I always feel he's looking for someone to blame and as he's given up on my mum, I'm the current target.

As much as I dislike him, I do still feeling uncomfortable knowing he's suffering, although he's not in pain, it's more of a mental anguish. Even though he put me through so much mental and emotional turmoil.

I keep waiting for the phone call to tell me it's over.

[Boat Babe]

Hi Spirit in the sky

My heart goes out to you my dear, it really does. How I love this forum that allows us to share our hurts and dllemmas, and to support each other.
Your elderly father's behaviour is classic PD shiz and, as we know, they never improve. It is their tragedy, but it doesn't have to be yours any longer.

Please use this time to take a complete break from your father's ghastly yet pathetic manipulation of your kindness and empathy. Quite frankly he doesn't deserve it. Imagine if he was given some magic elixir of youth. He'd be straight back to full on rage, anger, bullying, intimidation etc etc. He's now old and sick and using the last weapon in his arsenal to get at you. If he could he'd be much nastier.

I don't feel much for my mother anymore and I don't beat myself up about it. She cried wolf so much that I'd happily let them eat her now. (We're talking at the emotional level now! I do call and check on her during this health crisis)

Sending you lots of love

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Boat Babe.

I just keep telling myself it will pass.

Hi Spirit in the sky

My heart goes out to you my dear, it really does. How I love this forum that allows us to share our hurts and dllemmas, and to support each other.
Your elderly father's behaviour is classic PD shiz and, as we know, they never improve. It is their tragedy, but it doesn't have to be yours any longer.

Please use this time to take a complete break from your father's ghastly yet pathetic manipulation of your kindness and empathy. Quite frankly he doesn't deserve it. Imagine if he was given some magic elixir of youth. He'd be straight back to full on rage, anger, bullying, intimidation etc etc. He's now old and sick and using the last weapon in his arsenal to get at you. If he could he'd be much nastier.

I don't feel much for my mother anymore and I don't beat myself up about it. She cried wolf so much that I'd happily let them eat her now. (We're talking at the emotional level now! I do call and check on her during this health crisis)

Sending you lots of love