Same routine with MIL and Husband

[Jesse0915]

Hi everyone! I am having issues with my husband going no contact with his NPD mom and then forgetting what she is like and going FULL contact with her again. Here's a little back story; my husband has lived a troubled life, before I met him he had been in prison 3 times for DUI's, so clearly he was an alcoholic and he was on and off hard drugs. I met him just after he got out of prison the 3rd time so he was sober and doing well. Him and his mom would talk 6-7 times a day on the phone, usually FaceTime and would text all day in between calls. I started to notice after a few months of knowing him that after he spoke with her he would be very anxious and aggravated and would drink, I finally had enough and told him he needs to severely limit the amount he speaks with his mom because she is driving him mad. Well he did and it didn't go well with her. He still spoke to her multiple times a day and texted throughout the day but it was more like 1 or 2 calls and half as many texts. But she got way meaner to him and after a really big blow up call he ended up in jail, really long story but she set it in motion, anyway after that he was ordered not to speak with his mom until he was off parole (that's how bad she is, his parole officer told him he couldn't talk to her....) so he didn't talk to her for a few months and things were sooooo great but then he started sticking up for her when she came up and I could just tell he was missing her or whatever so he started texting her which very quickly turned into all day every day texting and phone calls every day or every other day. Then it started to become too much for him again, he started seeming very aggravated and we would fight because he was so tense wondering what kind games she was playing with him and life got very miserable just like before when he was talking to her except this time he didn't drink. So after a couple of months of him talking to her daily and being miserable he cut her off. For 3 months. Then the same old shit again. He literally forgets what she is like during the NC period. He is at the point where he just started talking to her again and today she texted him something super exaggerated that sounded exactly like her and he said wow that was really weird of her to say, she doesn't usually act like that. But SHE ALWAYS HAS ACTED THAT WAY. It sounded exactly like her! He literally puts in his head over the NC period that she is this sweet normal mom but she isn't. Like I am ready for this cycle to end but it won't if he keeps forgetting what she is like every time he goes NC for a few months. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? My life is completely miserable when he talks or texts with her every day because it turns into her playing mind games with him and it drives him mad and he refuses to talk to her just once or twice a week, he says he doesn't want to limit the amount of time he talks with her it would be too hard.  I don't know what to do. I don't know how he can't see this cycle.

[Phoenix Rising]

Hey, sorry to read that you are having these issues. It is so challenging to deal with cause you see the behaviour and end result but your DH doesn't see what it's doing to him or to you. I'm not sure what to suggest but I wanted to offer some support. I am going through something similar and I haven't been able to figure it out. My DH is in the fog still. We go from denial to acknowledgement.. then there is contact with PDMIL and he goes into denial again. DH says the same crap.. that it is unlike PDMIL to do a b and c but she clearly has been doing it in the past and probably long before I got in the picture.

I think it is difficult for them to see their mothers for what they really are because it is hard to grasp that a mother could actually be abusive in non-physical ways. It can be a devastating blow to realize someone you've known your whole life is manipulative and can't change, won't change and is out for themselves. These kind of mothers have conditioned their children over a lifetime... controlled and erased boundaries. Think on the amount of time they communicate each week... that IMO is bordering on unhealthy. Your DH probably sees her contact as normal and healthy when in reality, adult children and parents are to be independent of each other and are meant to develop and have relationships with other people. I write this not to defend your DH but to offer some perspective on how hard it can be to destroy the narc/PD bond and transition away.

Normally I would suggest to talk to DH and be firm. But I also understand what it's like to do this and still seemingly not get through to him.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. What a heartbreaking cycle your H is caught up in with his mother. I am really glad you have reached out for support and encouragement. What I realized for myself, having grown up in a narcissistic family system, it is all that I ever knew and the hooks my own mother had in me were very hard to recognize and detach from.

So, when my own mother's or father's behaviors were manipulative, deliberating sabotaging, covertly undermining and enmeshed I knew in my knower something was wrong. I truly did. I just thought something was terribly wrong with me. I turned that onto myself. And it has taken many years to recognize and understand - as much as we can ever understand - is that my parent's were broken and in many ways unable to love and nurture anyone. And they were willing to use for their own gain and benefit their children.

Does that mean they were completely devoid of good and that they never did anything to care for me? No. And that is where it gets really foggy and confusing which is why therapy, support groups in real life and here on this forum, mentoring and reading everything I could get my hands on were needed to only own what is mine to own and to step away from toxic and unsafe people.

I share this to encourage you that this unhealthy and toxic cycle was in play long before you came into the family dynamic that is so harming your DH and by extension you. The only person who can change that cycle and get healing and recovery is your H. You didn't cause this, you can't cure this, and you can't control this.

I am a two time winner in that my H also comes from a pretty dysfunctional family and I have seen the damage and toll that has taken on him and our family as well.

In it all what helped and best supported my own healing and my family of choice (FOC) was getting clear on what is mine to do in all of the situations and getting support, strategies, tools, better understanding and focusing on the only thing I could change and that is always only me.

Some suggestions that may be a help are to read through the tools and PD traits at the drop down menus above. There is great help there. Learning about trauma bonding and abuse amnesia may shed some light on what you are witnessing.

https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html
https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/abuse-amnesia

And checking out an Alanon group in your local area and seeing if that is another resource that could be of great help to you. Here is a link to find an electronic meeting for now:

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

Keep coming back and participating here. It helps so much to be heard and understood by a group of folks that really do get it and who will support you! I am thankful you are here.

[Explore4]

Thank you for this post. I can totally relate as I am experiencing something similar to your husband. I am aware that I forget and end up going back in contact with my PD mother. It's hard to explain what happens when you go no contact and forget all the abuse. I have written things down and saved photos to help me see things clearly when I start to forget. Maybe your husband can start a journal of why he chose to stop contact and reflect on it as time goes on.

[UglyLove666]

I'm proud of you for reaching out, and thankful that your partner has someone in his life as kind and understanding as you. You're certainly not alone in your feelings, and I am so sorry you and your partner have had to experience such turmoil.

I'd gone NC with my FOO three times, then gone back every time (feeling confused and frustrated with myself for being drawn back in). My decision to finally go completely NC with FOO was a result of my getting married to a man that is literally kindness personified. When I (1) experienced a truly safe relationship for the first time in my life, and (2) became aware that my FOO was making my husband feel physically ill (stomach problems and insomnia) after a huge drama my mother tried to draw us into regarding one of my nieces... well, that was it. That was my final straw.

That's just a snippet of my story, but the main reason I am posting is that I want to encourage you to look into a term called "trauma bond". The basic tenet is that our brains get confused between oxytocin (love hormone) and cortisol (stress hormone) and tend to associate love with abuse, and vice versa. I'm paraphrasing wildly here about the concept, but I hope you will take a few moments to look into the particulars of the "trauma bond". I know it helped me in a dramatic and positive way to unravel what was going on in my own head with my FOO. It's also helping my husband to see the truth behind his reactions to his cruel mother (my MIL).