Handling Outbursts at the Kids

[ToAudrey]

Still in the house with unPDh pretty much separated (least I am emotionally) with one child under six. I work from home, unPDh was the homemaker but seems to be on vacation from that since I am physically home.

Somehow one of the go-tos for my kid when they are upset (usually mad that we said no or not right now for watching tv) is that the offending parent needs to "get out of the house". My MIL in discussing H privately with me has said when he was small he would tell her to "go away" when he was mad so I don't know if that is where it comes from. In rages when my child was smaller H would sometimes scream he should just leave.

Anyways...I have been trying approach our child in one way when they are over the top upset about no tv (let them feel their feelings, I stay calm, explain what words we will and won't use with each other). They  calm down after a bit and just go play. unPDh will just scream back and use foul language and take privileges away. From a preschooler that is still learning what to do with all the big emotions. 

We are in the same house so I can't really parallel parent. I have explain why I do my approach in the past. Not perfect as yeah the kid still is pulling that but it has been less and they are doing more actually saying instead that their feelings are hurt. I stopped doing JADE as it led to so much twisting of words and going on and on in a circle. I did explain very shortly that I didn't feel responding to a preschooler like a preschooler instead of an adult was helpful. Since I am not doing JADE anymore I get feedback that I am not participating and he says that he shouldn't be yelling at the child but at himself and at me.

Anyone else still in the same home and managing very different approaches to the children?

I want my child as much as possible to feel safe having feelings and sharing them with their parents. Yes I want them to stop freaking out when they can't watch tv right now but also there is a pandemic and they haven't seen other kids in 4 months. Screen time is out of whack and a preschooler can't navigate that solo. Screaming back at them I don't see as helpful. And if we are going to get on them about repeating things from shows (like the word stupid) maybe not screaming back with expletives added in that are certainly not in their shows.

[PeanutButter]

Screaming at a child even 'back at them because the child is screaming' is abuse imo. A child is damged by this. Even if it is only one of the parents doing it.

Have you done any research on the effects of verbal/emotional abuse on a preschool child so you can understand what is just normal behavior and what is reactive to being abused by his father?

That is imo where I would start.

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/stop-yelling-at-your-kids
"New research suggests that yelling at kids can be just as harmful as hitting them; in the two-year study, effects from harsh physical and verbal discipline were found to be frighteningly similar. A child who is yelled at is more likely to exhibit problem behavior, thereby eliciting more yelling. It's a sad cycle."

https://www.fatherly.com/parenting/parents-yell-affect-child-development-laura-markham/
Parents Who Yell at Kids Train Kids to Yell
"Normalize" is a word that gets thrown about a lot these days, but parents shouldn't underestimate how much power they have over what behavior children learn is acceptable. Parents who constantly yell and shout make that behavior normal for a kid, and eventually, kids will adapt to it. Easy as it is to yell in the moment, the long term effects could backfire. Dr. Markham notes that if a child doesn't bat an eye when they're being scolded, that's a good indicator that there's too much scolding going on. Instead, parents need to first and foremost be models of self-regulation. In essence, to really get a kid to behave, grown-ups have to first.

https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/effects-of-yelling-at-kids
"1. Yelling makes their behavior problems get worse
2. Yelling changes the way their brain develops
3. Yelling can lead to depression
4. Yelling has effects on physical health
5. Yelling can cause chronic pain"

[SparkStillLit]

I'm just going to follow along and offer my heartfelt support. I don't know what to do either, this has always been updh's go-to. He behaves like a teen, and imo buts heads and fights with the teens because of it, and can't/won't effectively parent. I'm having a frustration with it right now.
I think the kids came out /are coming out ok, but not without marks.
It's too late for dd, but I'll be interested  to hear if there's anything I can do for ds.
Also, and ToAudrey I wonder if your SO does this, if he gets no satisfaction off me, he's always gone gunning for the kids. Gets furious with me when I shield them.

[ToAudrey]

PeanutButter thank you so much for those links. I will certainly read them and do some more research. Being able to understand what the impacts can be hopefully can help my child and I both navigate through this. There have been some things where I'm not sure of they are typical of the age or effects of the home or effects of all the changes with the pandemic. Before all the closures unPDh was the one home but they spent a lot of time going to the mall and other places while I was at work.

Spark I have been using the teenager analogy with the few friends I have confided in. I mention it is like I have a preschooler and then also a teenager that is the stereotype of angry and sitting around getting a free ride.

[sevenyears]

ToAudrey, I'm sorry for what you and your children are going through. It sucks. Parallel parenting with a PD is nearly impossible. I was in a similar position with my then 6 and 2 year old just over two years ago. I was a buffer between then H uNOCPD, especially with DD. Moving out deescalated the tensions. Initially, he was explosive. I really worried about my kiddos with him. Now, he is FOTY. Both when we lived together, and now, he regularly undermined me. I'm happy to have my freedom, and worried the impact of this on the kids, and on their relationship with me. I don't have specific advice except be the best parent you can to your kids. Give them lots of love and stability.