Struggling with the New Me

[Hopeful Spine]

I have changed myself.  It's not because I don't like myself.  I love myself.  I love my interests, my work, and several people in my life. 

I used to be a people person, a door mat, a bend over backwards for anyone sort of person.  These tendencies have earned me many things in life.  I have longtime friends.  I have a business that thrives because I gave 110%.  I have a wonderful marriage because I endured many disappointing years and worked really hard to make it better.  On paper I look like I have a lot.  But I've come to a point where I'm not really enjoying everything I have.  The long time friends don't really bring me any joy.  My customers take advantage of me.  My marriage is in a wonderful place but I do wonder if my husband really "sees" me.

Last year I had a major surgery and it was an eye opening glimpse at who wasn't there for me.  While I had some support - I mostly couldn't believe how quiet my phone was.  How little people checked in.  It hurt.  And ever since then I've slowly changed.  It's been a little over a year and I'm completely confused on who I am and where I need to go.

I've stopped calling friends.  I've stopped responding to my in-laws on our group text.  I wave and move on when it's clear I'm expected to sit and chat.  I've stopped worrying about including people in group gifts or events.  I rarely share my news with anyone.  When I do share it's only half the story.  I leave parties early.  I bail when I don't feel up to it.  I don't strive to serve in my service committee.  I'm counting down the next year when I will be released from being on the board of directors.  I've left my church and with the virus I'm sort of struggling on where to worship/join next.  And mostly I don't mind that life in general is put on hold.

No one in my life has really noticed the changes in me.

But I have.  I don't like being a selfish, unmotivated person who doesn't reach out.

I don't feel depressed.  When I'm alone in my home I'm happy to play with my pet, read, make a good meal, relax with my husband, exercise, watch movies.  I'm happy.  But when I'm with people I'm very unhappy.  I get through it.  I am appropriate on holidays and at parties.  But I'm going through the motions and doing the bare minimum.

I don't want to continue on this way but I don't know what to do next.  I can't ditch my business.  I can't cut friends out of my life (they are nice people).  I can't go "no contact" with my in laws (aside from a few, they haven't done anything that bad).

I ruminate often.  I rehash my hurts.  I feel incredulous for the people who don't seem to care, even though in the past I've done a lot for them.  I'm wasting so much of my life feeling low-key resentful.  And then hiding it.  In many of my internet searches on the matter I've read that I must forgive myself to find peace with others.  And I sort of understand that but I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  Forgive myself for investing time in loving others?  Forgive myself for being a doormat - even though I really thought I was just behaving like a nice person? 

I've been nice to people.  I've been helpful.  I've truly cared.  I've donated.  I've tried.  I did these things from my heart but the truth is - I treated people how I wanted to be treated myself.  And I didn't receive it when I needed it.  I'm human and I want people to fuss over me a bit.  I want a few cheerleaders in my corner.  I want to be celebrated now and then.

I'm trying to dig deep and think of ways that I've wronged others so I can forgive myself.  But I don't have much on my plate other than maybe gossiping a bit or having private unkind thoughts.  Maybe I've cheated myself along the way?  Maybe I put up with things and lived like a martyr.  Short changing myself. 

But how do I go through the actual steps of forgiving myself?  And more importantly how do I move forward?

I want friends who will actually check in on me.  I have many, many nice people in my life.  Longtime friends.  However, when my husband cheated on me I didn't have anyone to check on me.  No one took me to lunch to cheer me up.  No one sent a card.  I dealt with that hurt and shame on my own.  When I opened a business and had a huge event I had many people came but the people I considered my "closest friends" did not attend and share my joy.  I told myself that "they would have but . . .". I let it all slide.  Every time.  I never confronted anyone.  I just picked up the phone after I had dusted myself off and scheduled a lunch date with them.  But the surgery was sort of the final build up for me.

So maybe I'm angry with myself for being a shitty friend to myself.  But does that require me to forgive myself to move on?  And if so - how do I do this.  I'd love to know specific things I can do to make all of this better.

How do you make new friends when you've wasted years in one-sided friendships?  How do you re-train family to treat you differently?  How do you rejuvenate business so that you WANT to continue on?  How does one find peace?

[notrightinthehead]

Hopeful I think forgiveness comes at the end, not in the beginning. The way you describe your journey, you have recently discovered that your friendships are onesided, you give more than you get and you have started to resent this state of affairs. You have realized that you have tried to please others more than you tried to make yourself happy. So, now you know that, what are you going to do about it? You cannot unknow what you have discovered and you know that from now on, you want different relationships, - more balanced, equal ones.
So now you have withdrawn from your contacts and you are licking your wounds, taking a time out to digest this new reality and heal from the pain this realization has caused you. Eventually you might develop an idea how you want to change yourself and what kind of person will be in your circle of trust in future. In the meantime check out the toolbox and the book recommendations and be patient and kind to yourself.

[Hopeful Spine]

Hopeful I think forgiveness comes at the end, not in the beginning.

Thanks for the reply.  It never occurred to me that I'm at the beginning.  I feel like I've been battling this for years.  But I guess it's the beginning of something new that I'm admitting to myself.  It's all stuff that I've always known but never faced.

When I'd ALWAYS drive hours to visit with out of town friends I reasoned that there were better places to eat/shop/see in their hometown.  I would never have spoken up and said, "hey why don't you come here and I'll cook something delicious."  Or "let's meet halfway".  That was never an option.

Or the friend who always needed a ride.  And was great company but could never plan an outing to save me the bother.  I did all that emotional lifting but I'd reason it out by saying, "well she usually buys my lunch and besides, she's got a lot going on right now."

Or the relatives that expected me to always fit their children into our get togethers.  I'd reason that since I didn't have children I needed to be more accommodating because it was easier for me.

Or the sister in law who was terrible to me.  I considered her a best friend because we had such great talks.  I overlooked all the negative ways she judged me.  All the ways I didn't really like her but I wanted to help her.  I allowed her to treat me in a confusing way.  Because I thought she was "quirky" and I made allowances.

The ways I let my in-laws call the shots by telling myself, "it's not YOUR family.  Do what your husband wants."

I could go on and on.  I think back to work situations where I gave people the benefit of the doubt.  The bad advice I took from my mother time and again because I didn't want to offend her.  The ways my husband disrespected me in our early years.

I sit and think - why did no one help me?  Or stand up for me?  It never occurred to me to stand up for myself.

I don't know how to teach my old self how to create boundaries and be an improved version of the person I like.  I only know that my new self feels uncomfortable with these thoughts.  And the sad reality is that no one has noticed or missed me from their life.  They really haven't.  I don't find this freeing.  I find it difficult to accept.  I'm embarrassed.

[notrightinthehead]

 .....- why did no one help me?  Or stand up for me?....

That is such a painful realization. I think you are in great pain  at this point in time. It also sounds like you have accumulated quite some bitterness about the way people have treated you and how you have allowed yourself to be treated. Have you looked into Co-Dependency? Or how to set boundaries? Low self esteem issues? There is an abundance of information available and you might want to sift through it and find the bits that you consider suitable for your situation. You might also look into the possibility of finding a counsellor or therapist.

In my own journey I have found it more helpful to work through uncomfortable feelings, i.e. feel them, endure them, try to understand them, allow them than to run away from them.

[Spring Butterfly]

It sounds like you're on the threshold of a huge breakthrough and growth. So much of what you describe is how my path was and really resonates with me. So. Much.

There's so many resources here and you will find your individual path, what works for you. Some of the resources that helped me are gathered in the Boundaries sticky at the top of this forum board. Some books are in the book review board.

Wishing you peace and healing.

[Hopeful Spine]

In my own journey I have found it more helpful to work through uncomfortable feelings, i.e. feel them, endure them, try to understand them, allow them than to run away from them.

Thanks again for your responses.  This is the path I'm taking now.  Facing the realities of these feelings.  Which is why I'm here.     I'm learning that it's "okay" that I feel this way.  That it's going to get harder before it gets better.  That I'm going to have to say "good bye" to habits and even some people that no longer suit me.

Last night I thought about all my relationships.  I've considered that there are some people I can easily move on from.  For instance the new-ish friend who never likes my lunch suggestions and then offers "better" ideas, which are nice suggestions so I go with it.  And then she sometimes brings her mother to our outings which I do not like.  And then instead of finishing the day with our plan will say, "opps, Mom and I need to stop at xyz on the way home so I'm not going to be able to shop that new store with you after all."  I've decided that this newer friend can be a slow fade to nothing.  She's an interesting person but she fails in the basic levels of consideration.

I can't get rid of my mom and MIL.  They both have considerable issues of their own with self esteem so I try hard to cut them some slack.  I've already stopped confiding in my mother and I'm rewarded with not having to deal with her "opinions" so much.  My MIL plays these weird games of expecting things at the last minute and then pouting if things don't happen the way she wants.  For instance, she has this habit of inviting me to major parties and events the day before the event is to happen.  So she knows about these annual things and then doesn't have the consideration to invite me at least a week prior so I can make arrangements.  The last two events I've told her, "Thanks for the invite.  It sounded like fun. But I already have plans for tomorrow night.  I usually need at least a weeks notice if you want me to attend."  And then I don't worry about it.  She will pout but I don't allow myself to feel guilty.

Other things are harder.  My clients.  I need to be able to work with them.  I'm self employed, which means I call the shots.  Which also means that I need to cater to my clients in order to keep their business and get referrals.  And each client is very different so I often feel myself allowing things for one client while another client would hit all my requirements but have some other weird quirk I'd have to deal with.  When I was a people pleaser I thrived on the challenges.  Now I'm sick of it.

In laws who I used to consider to be my friends are harder.  I mourn their loss.  I hurt over them the most because it's clear they never considered me as important than I considered them.  But this past year when I've talked to them I have been surprised at how much I no longer really "like" them.  The things they say, the boring topics of conversation that they lead, the drinking, their preference to check their phone every five minutes.  I WANTED to have this fabulous bond of sisterhood and I don't.  I never did.  And I guess that is okay, but they are still there and I'm expected to enjoy all the major holidays with them.  It's all very confusing.

And long time friends.  I have some that I could never drop even if the relationship is no longer what it once was.  These aren't mean, people.  Just people who are not what I want them to be.  A person who refuses to help pick the lunch venue on our outings is NOT going to be the person who calls me up and says, "get dressed we're going to cheer you up."  She just won't.  But I have good people in my life.  There are three that I know I could call any moment of the day and they would help me in an instant.  Three wonderful people who I entirely enjoy, respect and appreciate.  Three is a lot when you think about it.

So life is not as tragic as I felt it was yesterday.  But I do have a lot of ugliness within me that I need to take care of.  It's a blessing to come here.

[Hopeful Spine]

Some of the resources that helped me are gathered in the Boundaries sticky at the top of this forum board. Some books are in the book review board.

Thanks for your response!  I did wander over to that section of the site yesterday and found several good links to learn more about boundaries and it was really helpful.

The weird thing is not that I have a lot of people pressuring me to do their thing and taking advantage of me.  Most of these people I'm upset with - they don't even know that I'm upset.  They don't feel ANY friendly obligation to me (like I felt to them).  I don't have a lot of true users and takers in my life.  I've just pimped myself out and invested waaaaay more in them.  I think that is what is so confusing to me.  A portion of them are generally selfish people but not awful.  If they were truly awful people I could blow them all off and say good riddance.  As it turns out I've given them my best and they don't want it.  Which makes me think that I've got issues that they don't want to participate in.  Everyone else seems normal.  But I know that I'm not awful so what gives?  Am I expecting too much?  Have I made stupid mistakes?  Or are they really just more selfish and controlling than I give them credit for? 

I feel like I'm gaslighting myself!

But the weird thing is that I like myself.  I have tons of hobbies I enjoy.  I'm a homebody and am usually fine with spending time alone.  But I do enjoy going to places.  I'm a good cook.  I have many creative talents.  I'm educated.  I'm reasonably attractive and like what I see in the mirror.  I make a decent living in an interesting field.  I don't present myself as a "poor me, please spend time with me" sort of person.  I don't gossip.  I'm not overtly religious or political.  I'm kind to everyone I meet.

I know that my feelings are the common denominator with all my relationship.  So that is why I'm here.  To get myself on a mentally healthy path.

[Spring Butterfly]

Glad you found your way over to that section and it will sure help maybe in ways not so obvious at first. What you described with your mother-in-law parties are good examples of what I mean with boundaries. You're sticking up for yourself and being a person.

Boundries isn't just about what you will put up with or not giving in to other people it's about your own personhood. Owning your life. People in general had more respect and I had more self respect when I learned about boundaries.

[Pepin]

The weird thing is not that I have a lot of people pressuring me to do their thing and taking advantage of me.  Most of these people I'm upset with - they don't even know that I'm upset.  They don't feel ANY friendly obligation to me (like I felt to them).  I don't have a lot of true users and takers in my life.  I've just pimped myself out and invested waaaaay more in them.  I think that is what is so confusing to me.  A portion of them are generally selfish people but not awful.  If they were truly awful people I could blow them all off and say good riddance.  As it turns out I've given them my best and they don't want it.  Which makes me think that I've got issues that they don't want to participate in.  Everyone else seems normal.  But I know that I'm not awful so what gives?  Am I expecting too much?  Have I made stupid mistakes?  Or are they really just more selfish and controlling than I give them credit for? 

I feel like I'm gaslighting myself!

But the weird thing is that I like myself. 

Yes...this is something I have been simmering in for years after getting Out of the FOG with PDmil and her relationship with my DH.  I tried so hard to make myself fit into DH's family by being a doormat that it ultimately blew up for me internally.  As a result, I am no longer the same person and PDmil and DH have no idea what happened with me.  Now I deal with a semi tension whenever I am around PDmil.  I no longer see her the same way that I used to see her.  Ideally I would love to remove her from my life (VLC instead) but DH is clueless about why she is a thorn in my side because of his enmeshment with her.  Though, he is starting to see little things here and there...I have never had the courage to just lay it all out for him - and I won't unless he starts the conversation first.  It really is his problem, not mine anymore.

I've been working on myself and how to deal with PDmil and DH all on my own.  The only way has been to initiate boundaries through baby steps.  It has definitely worked.  In the short run it seems undetectable....but years ago, not having these boundaries reveal a completely different version of myself.  I never want to go back to that and at this point it is impossible. 

I used to not have answers for how I felt but now I do.  I can formulate the words so much better and I can easily step back and realize that the entire dynamic with PDmil was about me having unrealistic expectations of her.  So, I just stopped playing her dumb games and let her be who she is.  And I am stopping the dumb games DH thinks I should play with her because he is still in her silly circus.

Last year, Byron Katie was a game changer for me.  I highly recommend her writings and any videos that are online.  The videos have been amazingly helpful when other people do The Work with her.  She really helped me step away and realize that I had no place being in any of these situations that were draining the life out of me.  I needed to pay attention to myself.

[1footouttadefog]

The original post really parallels my life at this time


I also am finding myself discontent with my current social network.  I am realizing it's an issue of my own creation.  I think I understand what the websites are talking about with the forgiving yourself.

It's not that You or I did anything wrong in our actions.  But perhaps deep down it was our motivations and our own lack or perception and misperceptions that helped create the senario.

For example not recognizing the limit to the depth or any given relationship was not for us to change by our actions and contribution.  It was for us to accept the gift of friendship at the level it was given.   We gave more and expected more.  This was perhaps seeking to change another person's boundary to expand on the degree of emotional connection they chose to have with us.

At least those ideas work for me in sorting out where I am.

I do believe that coming Out of the FOG has changed my perceptions.  That therefore changes the Dynamics of what I seek in my relationships.  Some of them will no longer be a match and others will need to find a level that works for both parties. 

I am an elder at my church I have had in mind leaving once my term is over.  Not a drama thing, just to move in. We will be replacing a retire pastor about that time so it will be easy as alot of change will take place.  I look forward to finding a new start and meeting new people under new parameters.

In the mean time I am also enjoying time without the people I have been going through the motions with.  I am also noticing even more so that I have been in a sort of quarantine sine long before Jan.  People are complaining about nothing to do and I have been busier than in a long time. 

I think for me it's mostly about a mismatch and I need to hit the reset button.  I had started to do just that and as soon as the holiday gaps in Meetup groups etc we have been in this social distancing thing. 

The time will come and hopefully I will be caught up on house projects etc and can go play. 

[Hopeful Spine]

I used to not have answers for how I felt but now I do.  I can formulate the words so much better and I can easily step back and realize that the entire dynamic with PDmil was about me having unrealistic expectations of her. 

Last year, Byron Katie was a game changer for me.  I highly recommend her writings and any videos that are online. 

Thanks for your reply and for suggesting an outlet.  I will check out Byron Katie.   It sounds like you've done some work and it's paying off.  That is what I hope I can do.

Thanks again!

[Hopeful Spine]

For example not recognizing the limit to the depth or any given relationship was not for us to change by our actions and contribution.  It was for us to accept the gift of friendship at the level it was given.   We gave more and expected more.  This was perhaps seeking to change another person's boundary to expand on the degree of emotional connection they chose to have with us.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.  I have found - in almost all of my relationships that I am "in charge".  Not that I take control but more that the other person does not really care.  I have stopped inviting my mother places because she spends so much time NOT giving me feedback and putting all the work onto me.  I do the work and then she judges me and finally tries to bow out of going at all.  In the end I'm practically insisting and begging her to accompany me somewhere.  It's insane.  Like, it's just a trip to Target and grabbing lunch.  She makes it so hard.

So maybe I'm drawn to people like this?  I have two friends from high school.  I message them and say, "hey it's so and so's birthday.  Want to get together?"  There is a bunch of enthusiasm.  Then a week later I message and nail down a date.  Then the week of the outing I message to see what everyone wants to do.  Enthusiasm again.  "Can't wait to get together.  I don't care what we do.  This is going to be fun!"  No one tosses out ideas so I present 3 or 4 options.  "oh it all sounds great!"  No one gives feedback.  Finally, the evening before, I cave and message again with a solid plan and everyone is happy.  Except for me.  Once I flat out told them, "look, I've had a rough month and would love to see you guys.  If you could pick a restaurant and tell me what time to be ready I would love it."  No one picked up the slack.  The evening before I picked my favorite restaurant and a time and that's what we did.  I resented it all.  Other people give feedback and are interesting and fun.  But I ALWAYS have to be the first to reach out and start the process.  Which is why I do not have people there for me when I need them.

I know I have tried to force a close relationship with my SILs.  I totally know that was my fault.  It still hurts and I don't know how to step backwards.  But I do have to take responsibility for that.

Yesterday after I posted everything I reached out to one of the good friends I can count on.  Just a "hello" text.  It was wonderful and I felt a lot better.  Silly really for thinking all the things I think.  But I feel like I've built up this life and now I have a responsibility to live it.  Or find a seamless way to get out of it.  That reset button sounds good.

My religious life is also in question.  Where I live it's pretty traditional and almost everyone belongs to the same faith.  Recently I feel God pulling me away from all those traditions and obligations.  I've been trying new things and I find that I can't go back to my old faith.  (Well, right now I literally can't go to a church and worship - lol).  But once we're allow to get out again everyone will know where to go on Sunday.  I won't.  I'm looking forward to trying new churches but I'm cautious.  I don't want to go "all in" on a new faith. 

Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

[notrightinthehead]

So maybe I'm drawn to people like this?  I have two friends from high school.  I message them and say, "hey it's so and so's birthday.  Want to get together?"  There is a bunch of enthusiasm.  Then a week later I message and nail down a date.  Then the week of the outing I message to see what everyone wants to do.  Enthusiasm again.  "Can't wait to get together.  I don't care what we do.  This is going to be fun!"  No one tosses out ideas so I present 3 or 4 options.  "oh it all sounds great!"  No one gives feedback.  Finally, the evening before, I cave and message again with a solid plan and everyone is happy.  Except for me.  Once I flat out told them, "look, I've had a rough month and would love to see you guys.  If you could pick a restaurant and tell me what time to be ready I would love it."  No one picked up the slack.  The evening before I picked my favorite restaurant and a time and that's what we did.  I resented it all.  Other people give feedback and are interesting and fun.  But I ALWAYS have to be the first to reach out and start the process.  Which is why I do not have people there for me when I need them.

This sounds so co-dependent for me. Not that you do the organizing and your friends rely on you to do it, but that you also feel resentful for it while you do it. Have you looked into that possibility?

I had a friend like you. I just sat back and waited for her to organize meetings then happily went along to whatever she organized. Whenever I felt it had been too long, I just contacted her and asked when we would meet next and she made all the arrangements!  I was very grateful that she allowed us others to be so lazy, she never told me that she resented it and even if she had, we probably would have told her that she does it better then others and we would have tried to keep her in that role. When she moved the friendship group faded away.

[Hopeful Spine]

This sounds so co-dependent for me. Not that you do the organizing and your friends rely on you to do it, but that you also feel resentful for it while you do it. Have you looked into that possibility?

I had a friend like you. I just sat back and waited for her to organize meetings then happily went along to whatever she organized. Whenever I felt it had been too long, I just contacted her and asked when we would meet next and she made all the arrangements!  I was very grateful that she allowed us others to be so lazy, she never told me that she resented it and even if she had, we probably would have told her that she does it better then others and we would have tried to keep her in that role. When she moved the friendship group faded away.

I do agree that I have co-dependent issues. But I'm not sure that my resentment with these friends illustrates that. 

It sounds like your friend just picked up the reins and did it.  Maybe she enjoyed it (some people do).  Or maybe she would have loved for one of you to invite her somewhere so she could relax and enjoy it.

In my case, each time I try to get someone to help me.  I'm asking for feedback from them.  I'm directly asking people to help choose the events for OUR outing.  I'm doing the legwork at each turn, asking for help and getting nothing.  And then we get together and they are relaxed and happy and I'm still stuck with choosing the side events, like where to get coffee before we start on the road trip ("anywhere is fine") or do we want to stop to check out the random produce stand ("sure, if you want to") 

Of course I resent the whole thing.  I want to know their preferences.  I want to know if Friend A prefers Starbucks or the local shop a block over.  I WANT to know if they feel like pizza or would rather get fancy and go to the new place down the street.  These are reasonable requests and obviously I'm not handling it right (or they are just being weird) if I fail at my goal of getting them to participate - every time.  This is where I start to wonder if I'm the problem or if I need to find new friends.

I've been straight with them, tried not planning anything (we ended up not going that day).  I feel like in this particular friend situation I have to choose whether to continue on or move on.  And that makes me sad.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

Hopeful Spine, I can relate. I started pushing my life in a very different direction over a decade ago when I went through a very nasty breakup with a girlfriend who had been diagnosed as bi-polar and fit the DSM diagnostic criteria for BDP to a T. It was my discussions with a psychologist friend about that relationship that clued me into personality disorders and eventually led me to this website years later.

One thing that friend said has stuck with me through the years: "You don't always have to be the better person."

The craziness I encountered with that girlfriend led me to take a hard look at myself and decide to change what I had long recognized was a habit of putting up with crap from other people, excusing their toxic behavior, continuing to put time/energy into the relationships and generally to give more than I received. That was exactly how I was raised to behave by my parents (uNPD dad and co-dependent/enabling mom) and it took me a while to fully realize how pathological and unhealthy it is. It was a long path to being fully comfortable rejecting that approach.

I ended up cutting some close, long-standing, but seriously dysfunctional, friends out of my life. I became much more selective about women I would date more than once or twice, stopped hanging out with many casual acquaintances and quit reaching out to family members, to see who would contact me. It revealed who cared enough to want to stay in touch. I also stopped trying to make friends so actively and got really comfortable doing things by myself. Took several major international vacations alone. What I discovered was that I really enjoyed being independent even more than I had before.

I'm married now to a fantastic wife who's my best friend. I have a couple of close friends with whom I'm in regular contact even though we are very distant. My relationship with my parents is better than its ever been as I have it at a fairly low contact level that works well for me—it isn't perfect, but I get the positive things out of it that I can and step aside from the crap.

This is a long-winded way of saying that if you get comfortable with putting yourself first, re-re-re-read the info in this website toolbox, explore new information, do a lot of honest thinking, make decisions about how you want to act differently, stick to your commitments, and don't beat yourself up too much when you screw up, you'll get through the uncomfortable place you are at now.

I learned to embrace the discomfort; it drove me to change. Maybe that will help you too.

Hang in there!

[Hopeful Spine]

Hopeful Spine, I can relate. I started pushing my life in a very different direction over a decade ago when I went through a very nasty breakup with a girlfriend who had been diagnosed as bi-polar and fit the DSM diagnostic criteria for BDP to a T. It was my discussions with a psychologist friend about that relationship that clued me into personality disorders and eventually led me to this website years later.

One thing that friend said has stuck with me through the years: "You don't always have to be the better person."

Wow!  This really struck a chord with me.  I have always considered it best to "take the high road".  Which meant doing waaaay more for a client (without charging extra) to "prove" how professional I was.  I suffered years in a difficult marriage because (if I'm being honest) I got some twisted satisfaction out of being "the good one".   When I had a friend who always took advantage - I felt good "helping" her.

But you know what?  Difficult clients only return with more work and make life more difficult.  (and enjoy the unfair compensation) Enduring a bad marriage is sure fire way to get pity (not respect).  Letting my old friend take, take, take, only made me actually dread the days leading up to whatever "favor" I was doing for her.

I've had several turning points in my life.  When my husband cheated on me in a very public way - his remorse was so great that it lead him to finally get the proper help he needed.  Over the last 10 years he's transformed into a dream husband.  In a weird way I can say that my passive personality served me well.  I stuck it out and tried really hard for 10 years, then stuck around a little more to deal with a ton of embarrassment and heartache (he was suicidal).  Then I continued on to help him rebuild.  My reward was great but I think I also got lucky that it turned out so well.  It sends a confusing message to myself about what a person should have to endure to be treated with respect.

Rebuilding his life help me rebuild mine.  We attended therapy and healed together and for that I am grateful.  We now have a completely positive, balanced marriage.

Another turning point was when a family member said some awful things to us (in regards to husbands past behavior).  She waited until several years had passed and then unleashed a bunch of nonsense.  And then never apologized.  Never responded to me when I told her how much she had hurt me.  I accepted her abuse, hoping that she would come to her senses.  And now I regret not putting her in her place.  I regret that I didn't stand up for my husband the way I wanted to.  It turned into a harsh reality of learning what this family tolerates in treatment of others.  Turns out you CAN talk shit about someone and run them down - in the name of Jesus - and everyone else in the family will just pretend that nothing happened.  Long story short - it made me really look at my in-laws and the weird hold they have over my husband and I.  SIL ruined a lot for me but she also forced me to get on this path of examining my life. 

For the first time ever I could not FORCE myself to be even fake nice.  And I struggled with not "being the better person".  Still do actually. 

When I told SIL and her husband that she hurt and angered me so bad that I can't even look at her - they responded that I must forgive or bitterness will hurt my heart and Jesus won't be able to save me.  That they'd pray for me.     Everything I said to them they twisted it to be a problem on my end because I was not spiritually strong enough to forgive.  This was only days after she said TERRIBLE things without any remorse or apology.  This really messed with my inner struggle of "being the better person" and honoring my true feelings. 

Even today I'm not confident that I'm a good Christian over all this.  On one hand I've forgiven her.  She's always been a very volatile person and her recent religious awakening contributed greatly to her judgement towards us.  I believe someone scared her into saying those things. 

On the other hand I do NOT want a relationship with this woman.  Ever.  She's hurt me in the past and this was the last straw.  I'm afraid to even be fake nice in passing because I fear it will lead to me letting her back into my life.  If she was a random friend I could have walked away from this years ago but since she is family I have to see her.  On all the major holidays.  And I dread it.  And the ugly way I feel scares me.  I love her children and we're all family.  I want it to be "better".  Usually I'm the one who makes things "better".  So your message that "You don't have to always be the better person" really speaks to me.

My final turning point was my surgery last year.  I felt the hurt when reality of friendship hit.  I blamed and judged a lot of people this past year.  Which obviously didn't help me.

Since the virus hit I've spent more time reflecting on myself.  Not them.  Me.  How I respond to things.  How I let others dictate how I see myself.  It just feels like such a mess.  But thank you for sharing your story and offering support.  I really hope I end up like you and sort all of this out.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

You have the patience of Job to have stayed with your husband. I'm glad that has worked out so well! Your SIL sounds like a walking, talking toxic waste dump. Ouch.

I can entirely related to the religious guilt trip angle you are experiencing as I was raised in a 24/7 ultra-Christian environment. Not fire-and-brimstone, but all about how I was always supposed to turn the other cheek. There is much I appreciate about my upbringing--it taught me to be a reflexively compassionate person--but I don't buy the holy door mat propaganda any longer.

In a friendly spirit, I want to push back on two things you wrote:

1) "since she is family I have to see her" Well, actually you don't have to see her, or anyone else, whether they are family or not. I've made a pact with myself that I won't attend family events out of a sense of obligation. I've gotten a fair amount of flack about it from my parents and even my wife at times, but I've stuck to my guns and they respect it. Indeed, my wife has come to see the wisdom in it. My rule of thumb is to trust my gut, literally. If the thought of attending an event gives me a tight stomach, I trust that sign and pass on it. My problem isn't holding grudges and being unwilling to let bygones to bygones, so if I'm unsettled I trust that discomfort. From what you describe, I'd put money on you having a gut you can trust in that regard.

2) "I blamed and judged a lot of people this past year.  Which obviously didn't help me." Why is that obvious? Its a popular axiom in Christian and secular counseling circles that it is wrong to blame and judge, but I find that's a dangerous attitude to adopt, especially with personality disordered people are involved. Being haughty and judgemental aren't virtues. However, recognizing imperfections and hurtful behavior in ourselves and others and holding ourselves and others accountable for that are virtues. Forming an opinion about people and situations through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises is also a virtue. Well... guess what... I just gave you dictionary definitions of "to blame" and "to judge." Once I dug into the meaning of those terms I stopped letting myself or others deter me from standing up for myself.

It sounds to me like your surgery was a major wake up call for you, revealing painful truths about who your real friends are. That hurts... but that helps insofar as you know who deserves your time and attention.

Granted, endlessly wallowing in self-pity isn't healthy, but some tactical wallowing that involves serious rumination and leads to changed behavior is necessary in my view. The virus distancing is providing you with time and space to wallow. Cool.

It is perfectly fine, in fact it is healthy, to think badly of people who regularly do bad things and don't alter their behavior. That's doesn't give us carte blanche to treat them like dirt, but neither does it mean we have to be nice to them or have anything to do with them at all. Truth can be brutal. When people do ugly things, recognizing that is ugly, but the people doing the ugliness are the one's responsible for it. Given what you've written about yourself, I wouldn't let anyone convince you with the all-too-typical nonsense about "we only see in others what we see in ourselves." That's a classic bit of glib PD gaslighting that circulates far too often in the religious and therapeutic communities.

Look, I don't want to come across as preachy, but from your posts I'd say you are a person to is habituated to bending over backwards for other people. Its OK to stand up straight. And it is OK for people not to like that or find it inconvenient. And it is more than OK for you to be comfortable with their discomfort.

I applaud you for writing this: "Since the virus hit I've spent more time reflecting on myself.  Not them.  Me.  How I respond to things."

Sounds to me like the blaming and judging has been beneficial. Good for you!

[treesgrowslowly]

It does feel like a mess for a while.

Stick with it. This is how healing from PD abuse works.

It's only a beautiful process in hindsight. While you're in the thick of it it feels like a messy mess. Jist like you wrote here. Messy is a perfect word.

Some people never get to the place you're at. They avoid the messy stage and spend every day wishing others would just start giving more, so that the friendships can be balanced.

You will look back on your life a few years from now and barely recognize the person you used to be when you gave so much more than the other person did.

Your software update will take a bit longer yet, but it is totally worth it.

Trees

[Hopeful Spine]

2) "I blamed and judged a lot of people this past year.  Which obviously didn't help me." Why is that obvious? Its a popular axiom in Christian and secular counseling circles that it is wrong to blame and judge, but I find that's a dangerous attitude to adopt, especially with personality disordered people are involved.
---
It is perfectly fine, in fact it is healthy, to think badly of people who regularly do bad things and don't alter their behavior. That's doesn't give us carte blanche to treat them like dirt, but neither does it mean we have to be nice to them or have anything to do with them at all. Truth can be brutal. When people do ugly things, recognizing that is ugly, but the people doing the ugliness are the one's responsible for it. Given what you've written about yourself, I wouldn't let anyone convince you with the all-too-typical nonsense about "we only see in others what we see in ourselves." That's a classic bit of glib PD gaslighting that circulates far too often in the religious and therapeutic communities.

Thank you for all of this.  I grew up in a religion (actually pretty much everyone in our families are the same religion) that stresses obligation and duty to family.  There are many things you are supposed to do to honor God.  If you don't it's a sin that needs to be confessed to make yourself right with God.  In the past 6ish months I've been pulling away from that faith and researching others.  That is . . . . confusing as well.  It feels so wrong to not do the things you're "supposed" to do for God.  And even though I'm praying, actively search for God by watching things online, and virtually checking out other churches, it feels like I've turned my back on HIM when all I've really done is turned my back on that religion.  The religion that I've lived for over 40 years.  The religion that most everyone else in my life lives by.

For a "people pleaser" like me - this is an unlikely step but much like being unable to play "nice" to my SIL I have that gut feeling (like you were speaking about) that leaving this faith is something I NEED to do.  My husband, who is not religious and rarely attends services, is still very uncomfortable with this change in me.  But despite his objections, I'm still doing it - which is surprising for me.

So the judging and the blame just seems really wrong.  And I feel guilty about it all the time.  I do wallow in all this and that makes me feel guilty too.  Between the family, the church and everything I'm feeling these last couple months - I don't even know what I'm supposed to be striving for.  I don't want to just stuff it all back in and "go back" to how it was before.  I just know that these feelings are getting in the way of good things.  I'm able to have good days where I'm proud of myself and how I've lived, but these other feelings just start creeping up.  I'm sick of it.

Thank you so much for sharing your opinions.  It gave me a lot to think about on my walk last night.  I appreciate your words.

[Hopeful Spine]

It does feel like a mess for a while.

Stick with it. This is how healing from PD abuse works.

It's only a beautiful process in hindsight. While you're in the thick of it it feels like a messy mess. Jist like you wrote here. Messy is a perfect word.

Some people never get to the place you're at. They avoid the messy stage and spend every day wishing others would just start giving more, so that the friendships can be balanced.

You will look back on your life a few years from now and barely recognize the person you used to be when you gave so much more than the other person did.

Your software update will take a bit longer yet, but it is totally worth it.

Trees

Thank you for all of this.  I want it all to be true for myself.  Right now when I make choices, such as opting to not respond on a group family text, I recognize that as a dedicated action I'm taking.  And I do worry that my choice to disengage will hurt the situation more than it helps me.  That if I opt out of things I'm taking away the opportunity for things to be better.  I'm learning that things will never be better and any action I take will not matter.

For instance, my husband has some aunts and uncles who do not usually participate in family functions.  Some I only see at funerals.  Others will show up here and there without any pattern.  I used to feel sorry for these people.  Imagine, to turn your back to this big family and not be a part of things! 

Once an aunt and uncle showed up to a special church service honoring an anniversary.  They attended, stuck around for some coffee and conversation afterwards.  They were pleasant and lovely.  Then plans were made to go to someone's house for a cookout and they declined.  Nicely and with a smile they said, "no thanks".  And I thought - how weird and strange.  We all knew that they didn't have any other "real" plans that afternoon.  No other obligations.  Why would you rather be alone instead of being with this "huge, fun family"?  We all went to the cookout and scoffed and gossiped about how aunt and uncle were weird.  And then some family member would say, "well, you know how they are - so sensitive, etc., etc."  And everyone else would say, "oh yeah, remember that time . .."

I totally get it now.  Because that pattern I see within my husbands siblings is the same pattern that the earlier generation participates in.  Favoritism, jealousy, subtle digs, passive aggressive comments and then, juuuuuuust when you think no one cares, a bit of warmth is thrown your way and you are happy you stayed.  Then the pattern repeats and you wonder if maybe YOU are too sensitive.  So you try to talk yourself down from these ugly thoughts.  You toughen up and remind yourself that the world doesn't revolve around you. At the next function you will try harder.



I want that beauty you speak of.  The confidence to walk away after a cup of coffee.  The confidence to KNOW that they will discuss me after I leave and to be 100% okay with it.  Or the confidence to not be there at all. 

Thank you for the encouragement to stick with it.  I'll believe you when you say that in a few years this will be worth it.