Struggling with the New Me

[Hopeful Spine]

I just posted in someone else's thread about baby steps.  I'm feeling that today.  Earlier today I was chatting with someone who was confiding in my.  I feel really comfortable with this person and I shared - a little. I held back and after that person left I felt good.  I connected but I didn't regret anything I said.  I kept personal things personal, knowing that if I grow closer to this person - that is when I can really confide.

So that was great.  A nice step towards self awareness.

Then, just a little bit ago I was chatting with another person and I gossiped.  I didn't have to.  I wanted to.  It wasn't so much "gossip" as it was "sharing a truth" about a situation we were both familiar with.  But I probably should have kept it to myself.  I trust this person, I very much like this person.  But it wasn't necessary info that I should have shared.  Zoink!  A little step back for me.

And thus we have (wait for it) . . . a baby step.

I made a decision yesterday to quit the organization that has the bully.  This person showed up while I was meeting with another person.  After a few fake pleasantries she dug in on negative talk about other people.  We tried to keep things on track but it was difficult.  Then she turned on us and had judgement about the things we were attempting to accomplish.  I finally packed my bag and made motions to leave.  The other woman is a long time member of this organization and stayed.  I suspect that the bully complained about me after I walked out.  It's not a good feeling and my brief encounter with her actually ruined my day.

I'm done.  This bully will be in the organization until she dies.  This is common knowledge.  She's an older woman and not in great health.  I will serve out the rest of my term but I'm not going to hang in there and suffer, while waiting for her death.   I'm truly considering quitting early but one of the newer people at the top really could use my support.  So I feel a bit of a pull to stay.  But I'm going to scale back my responsibility as much as possible (which is easier now - thanks Covid).  And I will rejoice when I no longer have to do any of the things that is required of me.  I never quit things.  Making the choice to not renew my term is a big deal for me.

[blacksheep7]

I just posted in someone else's thread about baby steps.  I'm feeling that today.  Earlier today I was chatting with someone who was confiding in my.  I feel really comfortable with this person and I shared - a little. I held back and after that person left I felt good.  I connected but I didn't regret anything I said.  I kept personal things personal, knowing that if I grow closer to this person - that is when I can really confide.

So that was great.  A nice step towards self awareness.

Then, just a little bit ago I was chatting with another person and I gossiped.  I didn't have to.  I wanted to.  It wasn't so much "gossip" as it was "sharing a truth" about a situation we were both familiar with.  But I probably should have kept it to myself.  I trust this person, I very much like this person.  But it wasn't necessary info that I should have shared.  Zoink!  A little step back for me.

And thus we have (wait for it) . . . a baby step.

I made a decision yesterday to quit the organization that has the bully. This person showed up while I was meeting with another person.  After a few fake pleasantries she dug in on negative talk about other people.  We tried to keep things on track but it was difficult.  Then she turned on us and had judgement about the things we were attempting to accomplish.  I finally packed my bag and made motions to leave.  The other woman is a long time member of this organization and stayed.  I suspect that the bully complained about me after I walked out.  It's not a good feeling and my brief encounter with her actually ruined my day.

I'm done.  This bully will be in the organization until she dies.  This is common knowledge.  She's an older woman and not in great health.  I will serve out the rest of my term but I'm not going to hang in there and suffer, while waiting for her death.   I'm truly considering quitting early but one of the newer people at the top really could use my support.  So I feel a bit of a pull to stay.  But I'm going to scale back my responsibility as much as possible (which is easier now - thanks Covid).  And I will rejoice when I no longer have to do any of the things that is required of me.  I never quit things.  Making the choice to not renew my term is a big deal for me.

Sorry that it has come to that.

Good for you Hopeful Spine, thinking of leaving a toxic environment with a bully that affects your mental health.   I am sure that this was a difficult dicision at some point for you, the last resort.

My bff just left her workplace  after twelve years also, for the same reasons.  She tried to remain by putting up boundaries that were not respected. They hired a good salesman two years prior.  This man/narc violated her in different ways and the manager has done Zip for her.  He remains because of the $$$$ he brings to the business. 

You are respecting yourself.

[Hopeful Spine]

I really need to work on my inner thinking.  The sunrise was beautiful this morning.  Low fog hung in the air and the golden sun just made everything look extra amazing.  So instead of turning one way to go to work - I turned the other towards the sun.  And it was lovely and I found myself in conversation with God.  Then I turned down the side street to get on with the day and I notice a house that looked scruffy and overgrown and I thought, "Ugg, that stinks for the neighbors.  Their landscaping is so bad.  If they just spent an hour outside, their yard would look so much better.  Some people!!"

The next house looked pretty, the next neat but boring.  Another home could have used a nice hanging basket. I did this for a whole block (not a huge block but still).  In one minute, and directly after a conversation with God, I judged countless people on just the look of their front porch.  And it wasn't like, "Oh, that house would really POP if they had a hanging basket."  It was more like, "wow, seriously people?  Even a hanging basket would help a ton.  Give a shit why don't ya."

I would never say these things to these peoples faces.  I'd never even say something that negative to my husband if he were sitting next to me.  But in my head I was a catty, judgey shrew.  This is where I get annoyed with myself and in my self awareness I fully see how NOT authentic I can be.

I don't want to be the person who drives down a lovely street and sees only the negative.  I don't strive to be the person who thinks only sweet dreams pleasant thoughts either.  I just wanted to let myself pick up on the things i really admire and to not register the "not so lovely things" to be "bad".

There are so many reasons a persons property might not look the best.  Someone in the home could be sick and there is no time to give a crap about hanging baskets.  Someone may have lost their job and is too busy searching for a new one to spare an hour on trimming shrubs.  Or maybe the nicest, most generous person in the world lives there and she simply doesn't care much about a manicured yard.  The point is - none of it is any of my business.  I'm wasting my time and my spirit by judging these homes and in turn the people who live there.

It doesn't make sense.  I'm widely considered a nice person.  Someone left a review on my business page yesterday that said, "Hopeful is so kind."  THAT is me.  So why do I let my thoughts go to such an unkind place?  I'm glad I'm feeling this.  It means I can work in it and change. 

This virus is really shaking me up.  I'm going about the days and joining in conversations with positivity.  But I'm not adopting a positive attitude in my head. 

[SparkStillLit]

This brings something to mind, speaking of unattractive yards (please don't go past my house, lol). My yards are rarely both attractive at the same time. I think maybe for a while we had it going on, but usually both are fugly, or if we've got the front going on the back is a total wreck, or vice versa.
And here is my thing. Overall, in general, updh is so exhausting about everything that I do less...and less...and less. He makes noise about *everything*, even landscaping or shrub trimming or what have you. I am certainly capable of some stuff on my own, or some expenditures that aren't large, but he will be noisy. I MUST push past these things and others. I cannot do less and less until I do nothing at all, and just....disappear entirely as my own entity.

[Hopeful Spine]

This brings something to mind, speaking of unattractive yards (please don't go past my house, lol). My yards are rarely both attractive at the same time. I think maybe for a while we had it going on, but usually both are fugly, or if we've got the front going on the back is a total wreck, or vice versa.
And here is my thing. Overall, in general, updh is so exhausting about everything that I do less...and less...and less. He makes noise about *everything*, even landscaping or shrub trimming or what have you. I am certainly capable of some stuff on my own, or some expenditures that aren't large, but he will be noisy. I MUST push past these things and others. I cannot do less and less until I do nothing at all, and just....disappear entirely as my own entity.

And see - this is a perfect example of why I should not judge.  It's so weird how my mind works.   It's not like I personally strive for perfection and judge others to my level.  My yard is NOT perfect either.  I drive around in a junk vehicle.  I pull my appearance together but my nails look janky as hell.  Let's not even talk about what the interior of my fridge looks like at this very moment.  Like, what makes me think it's okay to drive around in my crap car (which I could totally invest even 10 minutes in vacumning to make it even a little better) and then judge people for not having a fabulous yard? 

So just trying to shift mind to not care at all.  There is a fine line between having opinions, preferences and flat out judgements.  That might be what I need to read up on this coming week.  If anyone has any suggestions - please let me know!

[PeanutButter]

My suggestion would be to read up on the inner/outer critic.
"The outer critic projects onto others the same processes of perfectionism and endangerment that the inner critic uses against the self It perseverates about the unworthiness [imperfection] and treacherousness [dangerousness] of others to avoid emotional investment in relationships for fear they will replicate early parental betrayals. The outer critic builds fortresses of isolation whose walls are enumerations of the exaggerated shortcomings and potential treacheries of others. In an awful irony, the critic attempts to protect us from abandonment by scaring us further into it. If we are ever to discover the as yet unknown comfort of soothing connection with others, the critic's dictatorship of the mind must be broken. The critic's arsenal of intimacy-spoiling dynamics must be consciously identified, confronted, suppressed and gradually deactivated."
Excert from: http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
This is an explanation of what the inner critic is. There is a worksheet here for explanation of the outer critic too.

[xredshoesx]

hey all-

this thread has reached the 5 page limit.  if you all want to continue the conversation please feel free to start a new thread- here's a link you can cut/ past back if you'd like to link the original thread to it.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=84203.msg734593#msg734593