Infidelity PTSD?

[Laura666]

I'm still with the person who cheated on me and at one point left me and immediately moved in with the person he previously cheated on me with. We've been back together for two years since the breakup and three years since the initial betrayal.

I CANNOT let it go no matter how much I try. I have extremely intrusive thoughts about, the scene of him sleeping with her, replaying the lies and disrespect humiliation. Every night this happens. For hours it's all I think about.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how to stop this draining obsession?

[notrightinthehead]

I have learned that the harder I try to push thoughts out of my mind, the more they intrude when I am not watching.
You seem to be obsessed with the unfaithfulness of your partner. Maybe - and that is just a wild guess - some part of you wants to protect you from enduring this pain again and by constantly reminding yourself of the unfaithfulness and the pain it caused you, tries to prevent you from letting your guard down and trusting your partner again. And maybe deep down inside you think it possible that it will happen again and you are scared and will not allow yourself to relax. But maybe it is something completely different. Only you will know.

[SweetTea]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Have you both worked with a marriage counselor? Have you seen a counselor on your own? I was crippled with terrible intrusive thoughts regarding my dh uNPD FOO after my initial Out of the FOG event. I was suffering anxiety and depression and the best thing I did was see a therapist. And we also did marriage counseling. IMO, intrusive thoughts can be your mind and body telling  you to deal with/pay attention to something you have not acknowledged or worked through.

[PeanutButter]

I relate so much to what you wrote.
I feel like that true remorse was not displayed. No empathy for my pain, or transparency so I could feel safe was present either. I can only guess that these things would have made a difference. But instead for over 2 years I suffered intrusive thoughts and images about his sexual infedelity just like you are, especially if I tried to be intimate with him. I felt angry, humiliated, and disrespected by the lies also.
IME these are normal feelings that need to be worked through but the cheater demanding forgive and forget doesnt alow that process to happen.
I had a conversation with the other woman in which she told me that he told her how bored he had been with our "just regular" sex.
I ended up leaving him permanently.
My suggestion would be to communicate what it is you need him to do. If he ìs wìlling to meet your needs then you have a chance of moving past this. 
Of course marriage counseling would be ideal imo if that is possible.

[tragedy or hope]

I know I am late on this... however; expectations are planned disappointments. He is back and is voting with his feet.

That said, work on you. If this keeps bothering. you, you must decide what is best for you. Is this person worth the stress you are under? Are you willing to totally forgive?
What are you getting out of living in the past? What happens to you when you relive the events in your head?

Imo, you still are wounded. Find a way to heal your own heart. He will never be able to do it. If you took him back, he is still worth investing yourself into. That's okay. You get to decide.

My experience is that when someone hurts me, I can never expect them to make me feel better about what they did. I must decide what I will forgive; by absorbing the pain or getting support from someone who will completely get it. It is usually not the offender because they have something to loose in all of it. ie; their pride. That's a hard thing to demand from another person and usually backfires in getting hurt worse by them.

Real life usually does not involve a  Dr. Phil moment.
Those cost $$$$$$$$$ and take a lot of time. The other party also has to be willing.

Enjoy this man you love. Forgiveness of his horrible mistake may make it easier for you to interact with him which will make your time sweeter.

You choose. Just making suggestions. Forgiveness requires more from you than from him. It is a hard skill to learn and serves as a gift to the other person but mostly benefits you.

Lack of forgiveness: taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It will damage you if you cannot let go of this and may drive him away. Is that what you ultimately want?

I don't envy your hard place.

[1footouttadefog]

I agree that if you choose to take home back you have to deal with the pain from the betrayal.

However at the same time it would be very important to soft all your feelings carefully.  Perhaps some of this old stiff is being brought to surface by new or continues behaviour patterns.

Are you being disrespected.  Do you feel he is honest and caring in a day to day basis.  Is he coming home on time.  Do you get the non answers or feel he is holding back alot of the time.  Are there suspicious communications or internet time.

Sort it all out. Own what is yours.  Then decide what you are willing to live with or not regarding what is in the here and now.

[eyesopen]

From my experience I recommend two things, both related to each other:

1) Read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn.
2) Browse and read the author's website, chumplady.com

The hard truth that I had to come to accept was that my spouse unilaterally changed the terms of our committed relationship without the decency to tell me, her supposed one and only life partner. Is that someone I want to be married to? Despite any apologies (there weren't any in my case), is it possible to forgive and move forward with someone that betrayed the ONE FUNDAMENTAL PROMISE they made to you at your wedding? As much as I believed (or wanted to believe) we could overcome it and have a future together, the fact that she's capable of such a deliberately selfish and callous choice means that she's not someone I want to be with.

It's a very difficult choice. It means abandoning plans, ideals, dreams, and hopes in favor of accepting reality, as harsh as it is. It's a buffet of shit sandwiches. But life exists on the other side. It takes time. A lot of time. It takes effort. A lot of effort. But it can be better on the other side.

[PeanutButter]

It's a very difficult choice. It means abandoning plans, ideals, dreams, and hopes in favor of accepting reality, as harsh as it is. It's a buffet of shit sandwiches. But life exists on the other side. It takes time. A lot of time. It takes effort. A lot of effort. But it can be better on the other side.