In a quandry...

Associate of Daniel · April 16, 2020, 09:58:02 PM

...and I'll admit, I'm triggered.

Ds13 recently created his own instagram account. I'm not happy about it and don't see the need for him to have it. But there's nothing I can do about it when his uNPD dad and uNPD smum are encouraging him to have it.

Anyway, I created my own instagram account in order to keep an eye on his social media situation.

He's actually really responsible. Doesn't post much and doesn't respond to comments. And his content is fine.

My account doesn't have a photo or story and I don't post anything. Can't be bothered and don't know how.

His uNPD smum "likes" nearly all of his posts, usually within minutes.

I can access her posts because it's public. My uNPD exH's is private. Mmm. Something Freudian there.

Her posts make me physically ill. Many photos of her working out (one of her naked back, bragging about how fit she looks on her 40th birthday

), lots of her with her FOO and their kids, some of her with my ds.

But most sickening are the smum memes.

Smums deserve respect, have the hardest job etc.

And one I saw this morning, along the lines of, "Smums are better because they chose to love kids when they didn't have to."

This, from a women who chose not to have kids of her own and made her H (my ex) ensure it didn't happen, if you get my drift.

She regularly texts ds13, every day, a few times a day, while he's with me. In those texts she disparages me and my parents. Ds is starting to get upset by these texts but refuses to talk to me about it.

She has so far only once commented on his instagram account, hinting a disparaging comment about me.

My quandry? Do I keep looking at her instagram account (I'm fairly sure ds looks at hers as well), to keep an eye on the disparaging posts so that I can help ds? Or do I stop because I sometimes get triggered?

I don't usually mention the texts or instagram stuff to ds. He doesn't bring it up with me. But occasionally I mention something that I think I should clarify/encourage him about. I want him to know that it's ok for him to feel confused/angry/frustrated/hurt etc by the comments and that I'm ok.

What do you lovely folk think?

AOD

mamato3 · April 17, 2020, 07:22:00 AM

For your own sanity, I would actually block her. I have found that taking away your own access to harmful stuff with PDs actually helps your healing.

Stepping lightly · April 17, 2020, 11:49:44 AM

Agree with Mamato- you can't stop it, so just don't look at it. I look at it like this, "she probably hopes you look at it, and hopes you get triggered- take the power away from her". Seems weird that doing nothing is the action of taking your own power back, but don't give her a platform to trigger you.

As for the texts on DS phone, can you take photos of them? We've used disparaging communication in court and the judge nearly lost her mind at BM.

Associate of Daniel · April 17, 2020, 03:56:34 PM

Thanks.

I do take photos of the texts.

But going to court costs 10s of 1000s of $.....

And as my solicitor has often said, a court can't make someone behave.

Even if she stops sending disparaging texts she'll keep it up in conversation.

She's also a 3rd party and 3rd parties are not mentioned in the court orders, despite my trying.

That's how she gets away with texting ds any time rather than court ordered times.

AOD

Stepping lightly · April 19, 2020, 09:40:53 AM

I look at the texts as an insurance policy. If they ever take you to court for any reason, you can clearly show her disfunction.

mamato3 · May 09, 2020, 12:44:05 PM

How are things going with the new arrangement now?

Associate of Daniel · May 10, 2020, 11:53:18 PM

Thanks, mamato3.

This pandemic has eased things a little. Ds's team sport is in recess until it's all over and I, as an introvert, have every reason not to go out and "do" stuff with him.

So we're chilling at home on the weekends - puzzles, chess, fires, walks, gardening, cooking.

I'm loving it.

It's helped by my not having as much work to be stressed about too.

Ds seems happy with the arrangement of living with the pds during the week and he's enjoying his time with me on the weekends.

If I don't think about my loss and his danger too much I'm generally ok.

AOD

hhaw · May 22, 2020, 02:52:40 PM

AOD:

Choosing to be OK... and not focus on your loss and possible danger..... means you have joy with your son instead.

Focusing on the past, or possible future, means we miss what's in front of us. What's in front of us is the only thing that's real.

It's a choice we make every moment of every day. To be present, or to get caught up in worry, fear, guilt... resentment..... maybe daily distractions we don't even think about.

You're modeling for your son every moment you're with him.

Associate of Daniel · June 26, 2020, 03:10:27 AM

Just thought I'd touch on this thread again.

I've recently discovered that ds13's uNPD smum is a follower of one of his (13 year old) friend's instagram account.

And that she sent the friend a birthday message via social media of some description.

Am I being too sensitive anout this? Is it ok for a 40+ year old woman to follow the social media of a male teenage friend of her stepson?

They have met a few times via the boys' playdates but....

Am I just so far out of the loop of social media that I'm the only one who finds this inappropriate?

AOD

hhaw · June 26, 2020, 10:16:28 AM

AOD:

Sometimes I think sm DOES stuff like that just to get under your skin.

Sometimes I think she's a very immature person, relating to young people, bc she's on their same level.

She certainly seems overly involved. IMO.

mamato3 · June 26, 2020, 11:34:28 AM

Quote from: Associate of Daniel on June 26, 2020, 03:10:27 AM
Just thought I'd touch on this thread again.

I've recently discovered that ds13's uNPD smum is a follower of one of his (13 year old) friend's instagram account.

And that she sent the friend a birthday message via social media of some description.

Am I being too sensitive anout this? Is it ok for a 40+ year old woman to follow the social media of a male teenage friend of her stepson?

They have met a few times via the boys' playdates but....

Am I just so far out of the loop of social media that I'm the only one who finds this inappropriate?

AOD

I actually think it's ok - if the child has been to their house she may feel she knows him well and wanted to say happy birthday. I do the same with DS's friends. They are a bit older, but I still think it's not a big deal. (I really dislike her for you, don't get me wrong - but this isn't a big one to me)

Stepping lightly · June 26, 2020, 12:35:41 PM

I agree with the others, not really a red flag so much as just another thing to make your eyes roll. I think there is a need to be the favorite across the board.

If it makes you feel any better- DH says his mom has always done that....befriended his friends, gfs, ex-gfs etc.. It has always annoyed him. Teenagers like their privacy when it comes to friends, having a Smum jumping in on social media is way uncool I would think.

Associate of Daniel · June 27, 2020, 02:49:06 AM

Thanks for your perspectives, folks.

I'm not sure that ds13 knows that his uNPD smum is following his friend on instagram.

I don't think I'll bring it up with him. He probably won't see anything wrong with it and he has enough going on with his uNPD smum at the moment.

AOD