It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.

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Starboard Song

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It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« on: April 17, 2020, 05:57:16 PM »
Well, I had settled down for a while. But I've figured out that I misdirect all stress of any flavor to my in-laws. And my favorite format is to imagine an interaction scenario and run with it. A funeral. A wedding. Whatever.

Well, I hit on a new one in a dream recently, and -- in this virus infused world of mine -- it has taken hold.

My FIL calls me up in this case and says that they're really so sorry to be out of contact, and want to be in contact again. Is that possible? In this fantasy, I say sure, just get MIL on the phone, too, and let's have a chat. I walk them from Day 1 of our crisis through the end of the first year, when the last nails were slammed deep into the head of the coffin. I present small chunks of facts and only open the floor for them to answer damning Yes-or-No questions.

Oh, it is delicious!

And it is time to let it go. They are over there, and will never be better people. They will attempt to contact my DS-now-18: so be it. But I never need vindication from them, and will never get it.

I am hear to confess to a few days of particular weakness. I even drafted up a new document, covering the text of this fantasy conversation. Oh! The excitement! Oh! The relief from coronavirus and recession stress! Oh! The misdirected emotions! The satisfaction of the chase!

And, adrenaline fix coursing through my veins, it is time to let go again.

We are 4 1/2 years NC. We did that for a reason (one Silent Treat too many). I need to focus on the lovely people under my roof. This is sort of a venting, sort of an exposition of a pathway that recurrs from time to time. I am trying to be honest about how thinking of them has become the easiest stress. It is stress candy. Stress booze. And it feels so good going down. If you are, like me, addicted to PD stress, please join me in promising to kick it.

Y'all be good, and I will too.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2020, 05:59:05 PM by Starboard Song »
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2020, 06:50:00 PM »
Thanks for this. I do find myself revisiting my NC story when Iím stressed about other things. With my parents and MIL, I want to know I am RIGHT and they are WRONG. And feeding the beast of self-righteousness is a good distraction when Iím feeling doubtful about myself and my abilities.

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Kiki81

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2020, 12:04:45 AM »
I did this pretty much weekly when I first went NC :yeahthat: My preferred place was in the car :bigwink: I do it rarely now but it's still satisfying!!! 

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all4peace

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2020, 12:18:09 AM »
I understand. I have spent way too much time in that place. For me, resentment can become addictive and allows me to not have to look at what I need to work on inside of myself. Very understandable. Hang in there.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2020, 03:48:54 AM »
I am with All4peace on this one. My go-to resentment was my mother. I blamed her for all my shortcomings - my fear of conflict, my low self esteem, my shyness... all thanks to her abuse.

And in a way I had that "talk" where I had my say and she apologized and we could clear the air. So I got my vindication and a reasonably pleasant relationship in her last years. Still, for so many therapy sessions I talked about the abuse until it bored me.

I now think that I wasted years feeling self righteous and sorry for myself.  I made so much more progress Out of the FOG  when I began to look at my own contributions and behaviour instead,  and everything I could do to change whatever I wanted to change about myself. 
Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela

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Free2Bme

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2020, 05:36:15 PM »
Someone's reading my mail. 
I skipped down this road just this morning after intercepting a text from M on DD14 phone. 

Que the visceral reaction, rising pulse rate, shaking hands, followed by the familiar internal dialogue, aaaaaand...she's off!   But not just one dialogue, multiple possible variants of the same conversation, with different approaches & outcomes.  Thirty minutes later, I was at the kitchen sink, my heart and hands had steadied and I had a big girl talk with myself punctuated by,  "Wishin' ain't gettin'".  Done.

.....two hours later, it's medium level bothering me because of what she said to DD14.  Nothing malicious or scandalous, the usual persistent denial that anything is wrong or that she has done great damage.  She says sweet things, "miss you and your M SO much",  "can you visit soon?".  I believe she really does miss us but M cannot connect her behavioral history to the present reality (she went NC with me, but has kept up with uPDxh, among other things).   M has some significant dementia, major contributor to her personality issues (traits, but not disordered),

When I frame it in the context of her dementia, I feel like worm dirt for getting upset and fantasizing about getting my needs/wants met. 
Why can't I be the person I want to be (attitude, responses). 

I want to show her radical grace, love, and forgiveness.  This is who I want to be.  I am ashamed that I still want something from her;  protection, loyalty, devotion, apology...........  a tourniquet . 
 
Cognitive dissonance.  I have not let go, that is the truth damn-it.   :(    ...and time ticks on.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2020, 05:37:49 PM by Free2Bme »

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xredshoesx

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2020, 09:01:14 PM »
i think this may be helpful to process- we've done some similar work with kids and asked them to rewrite the ending as part of restorative justice and moving them forward when things happen to them or they do things to others and have a consequence.

mine more so is the tone of what i would do if SHE (my mother) showed up.  she made my list of COVID19 anxieties-  worry #15 is she appears and then i have to play out the scenario of what i would do to make her go away.


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Liketheducks

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2020, 11:55:02 AM »
I've totally done this too.   Justifying my reaction to the situation, particularly when extended family is roped into Flying Monkey status.   

"How do you sleep at night, knowing how you've treated your parents"....."Naked so all ya'll may more easily kiss my a%$"

Very satisfying, but I've found that the more I do it...the more I'm in a bad place emotionally.   Trying to focus on the positives in my life is much healthier for me.   

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Starboard Song

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2020, 12:28:51 PM »
  Trying to focus on the positives in my life is much healthier for me.

Thanks. Agreed.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Delphiniumgirl

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2020, 10:28:40 PM »
I loved reading these posts. The shower is where I have these fantasy conversations! For once in my life I am brave, I rehearse every word. Of course it'll never happen.

I do the same thing with my child who has become her best friend and so the triangulation continues.
It's good to know that others do such crazy stuff!
« Last Edit: June 14, 2020, 03:30:53 PM by Starboard Song »

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theonetoblame

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Re: It's you: the Argument Fantasy. Hello, old friend.
« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2020, 01:44:40 PM »
I also did a lot of this during my earlier recovery. It was so intense that the occasional resurfacing now seems inconsequential, even though it is still toxic for me, caused dumps of adrenaline and cortisol and and can leave me feeling exhausted. There was a time when these thoughts entered my mind almost every day the moment I woke up in the morning... it was horrible.

I used to also fantasize about how to confront a certain person, to the point of bringing the fear and discomfort to them that they put upon me i.e. there was risk of it evolving to a criminal act if I ever actually did it. It was many years ago, but in the end I could never figure out how to get there while maintaining an alibi, not getting spotted on the road, picked up by a camera at a gas station etc. It was a very morbid preoccupation that was fueled by an unresolved need for justice.

For me, I think it was a manifestation of ptsd, a type of involuntary rumination that had a toxic and cyclical physiological response.

I share this as a word of warning. Thoughts are first cousin to action and prime us to make mistakes if we entertain them. I also believe that some of us may not be able to escape the ptsd type cycle these ruminations bring and there is some importance to managing them early on.