Issues with FOO and extended family message group

[M0009803]

I have been NC for 3 years now with my uPM and uPDsis, as well as one year with enBro/Sis.

I do however participate in a big extended family group (cousins mostly), and I just ignore my FOO.

My enSis and my enBro's wife have been communicating with my wife (i let her know at the time that this was fine) regarding our daughter (she is 6 months old).   My wife shows them pics of our daughter from time to time.

As you can all imagine, our extended family group has been dominated by the coronavirus situation.  But yesterday, my uPDsis forwarded one of the pictures my wife showed my enSis to the group. 

My family is very enmeshed, so it is likely my enSis passed on the picture to my UPDm and UPDsis.     The thing is, I know that they have been pretending that everything is ok in our FOO to the entire extended family even though it isn't.

I haven't spoken to my UPDsis in 3 years, so I was very surprised when she forwarded this picture to the group (she also did it without any commentary as well which was very weird).

My cousins all congratulated me on how cute my daughter is, and that she looks like me.  I have not answered them yet due to:

1. My uPDSis clearly did this to elicit a reaction

2. She also wants the group of cousins to think my FOO is "together", I would imagine

3.  What she did clearly crossed a boundary and I do not believe this should be rewarded.

My question to the group is:  even if you are NC with FOO, do you still participate in an extended family group were the FOO posts in?

My first reaction was to leave the group, but I don't want to do that as it would be like letting the dysfunctional people win.  Additionaly, my cousins are decent people who I do want my daughter to meet eventually (and their kids).    I have told my wife to limit what info she sends my enSis for now, as I don't feel she can be trusted to not relay information to uPDSis and UpDM anymore.

As a last comment, is it possible to respond in the group chat letting my uPDsis know that she did not have my permission to post that picture?  She is very passive aggressive, so she does things with deniability, but I am not averse to employing the direct approach with my extended family to shut her down right then and there.

[nanotech]

I'm in a similar situation on a group chat. It's one that my cousins and I started following a family funeral. My siblings got wind of it and lined up to join. They were added of course. They don't abuse their cousins. They haven't been very nice about them in the past though.
We didn't grow up in the same town and distance is friend to narcissism,and its need to disguise itself.
I want to speak to my cousins and my siblings are in there too, but they are already blocked on social media.
When I log in I'm given a warning that some members are on my blocked list.
I have to agree to view their comments to be able to see any comments from cousins.
The cousins are the healthy members of the family. I didn't realise how healthy until a family occasion, where I was the only one to attend from my family. OMG how much  I realised in one afternoon! I understood that a lot of family rifts with my aunties must have been caused/ exaggerated/ made up / reignighted/ imagined by my parents- not the other way around, as I'd been brought up to believe.
Gaslighting to the nth degree.
Nothing has happened so far. There have been issues with photos in the past.
My sister gained access to some important ones of mine (very important occasion relating to my kid) and shared them with my dad. I was waiting to show him those photos that coming weekend.
I ended up talking about them with my dad  on the phone.
I've never to this day had a conversation about that with said sister. I was very upset but what was the point- she would take delight in that fact.
This is when you get stuck between a rock and a hard place. 
I wasn't quite Out of the FOG at the time. Dad saw no problem with her doing it either. It's one of the reasons I ended up completely blocking her.
They don't get it about photos.
This was when we weren't friends on fb due to a conflict. So, not friends on Facebook,
She was always defriending me over some perceived slight and it was always me blamed myself and re -added her.
At the time I would get an apology and then she'd blame it on her mental health.  So, not friends then, yet she thought it was fine to access my kid's graduation photos, and show every single one to my dad, happily, by his account, talking him through them and acting as if we were the closest sisters in the world.
Weird.
Intrusive
At the time I didn't realise why I was SO upset. I felt so uneasy. But later I came to see. The defriending was her setting a boundary, but any boundary that gave me was straightaway defiled when she felt like it.

This photo -It's put you in an awkward situation.
You could probably just thank them for their kind comments, then move on and talk about something else. That's my advice. Then the nod to the photo would be there for your extended family, but for the PDs the effect that are looking for would get diluted in a big paragraph about something else?

I have wondered whether they've told my cousins and their kids that I've blocked them? So far though, none has asked me anything or withdrawn from me. So I just tell myself I'm not gonna worry about it.
There's no way they are getting unblocked.  If any extended family ask, I'll be honest about how things are.

I've met up with a new me since I did this. So no way is that genie going back in the bottle!
🙂 Good luck, don't worry x

[all4peace]

I find this kind of dynamic difficult also. When I'm stuck into a group chat with someone I have a long untrusting history with, I either dont respond at all or respond once politely to the original poster and then respond no further.

It's hard to know how to handle a situation like yours. I generally either call it out directly or ignore it entirely.  I do not engage privately with the person I'm trying to have NC with.

Good luck!