DIagnosed with serious Disease Pd Sis and MOM at it again. What do I do?

[Hopelessly stuck]

On April 7th I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have been through a whirlwind of Tests to find out where and all the things Drs want to test for. There are so many appointments that My daughter has to Keep track of them for me. I am doing this going into hospitals and clinics during this pandemic which has me unnerved anyway. No one may come in with me also because of the pandemic. When I first got the News I only told My son and daughter. It is beginning to sound serious though. I am trying to remain calm.

My Sis who is delusional blames me for unbelievable things and is probably BPD. I have been on Very low contact with her. Mostly Family Birthdays and etc. She blocks and unblocks me on her phone according to whatever whim she is on. I just don't return any call when I think I am blocked and have very little to say to her anyway. I personally decided years ago that she was using me and I set Many limits that she didn't like.

I have just discovered that I believe My MOM is probably a COVERT NARCISSIST. So many things are coming at me from My childhood... which is good for me but I am seeing the real mask and processing that information. (great for healing myself.) My Mom envelopes me and I go back and forth with her. She digs at me sarcastically continually. She goes back and forth between My Sis and I playing us against each other. My sis was cut OFF by her for over 2 years so she definitely feels the pressures Mom puts on her. She is A MINI-MOM.  I can't talk to Sis about anything as the whole mess becomes triangulated. When she is mad at sis then she comes back to me all nice, to begin with, and then rather quickly she moves into the sarcasm, blame, and denial when I mention Anything about My childhood. Then she starts to envelop me. Wanting to meet me for breakfast every day, in addition to talking on the phone for over an hour a day and texting me often throughout the day. I once discussed in Jan that I was NOT feeling right and needed to go into the clinic after My vacation. She said to me " "There isn't anything wrong with You you are Ok." and on and on. I mentioned that She'd said that recently after My diagnosis of Cancer and of course NOW SHE IS SAYING " I told You to get in and get an appointment. Why did You have to wait until after Your vacation?"  In addition to that She is always wanting me to do things for her. (to get the attention I suspect)
Now, they are ganging up on me wanting me to go to another very large clinic in this area supposed to be a top 10 cancer treatment center. I love the smaller, more personalized service I get from the one I have picked. They are loyal to me and have helped me when I had NO insurance.  They kept my necessary medications prescriptions at MY pharmacy when I needed the meds and couldn't afford to go into the clinic for a visit. I am being STUBBORN BECAUSE I AM NOT DOING WHAT THEY WANT!!


In January I was trying to make a decision and My MOM was being pushy insisting that her advice was the ONLY advice to take. She was being so pushy I broke an engagement I had to color her hair. Honestly, I didn't mean to diss her. At that time, I knew that I needed to take alone time to think, and decided for Myself what decision I wanted to make. So, I didn't show up, I didn't call, I didn't answer phone calls. I did finally call her when I got back from Vacation and felt strong enough to deal with her and her games. I was going to apologize to her because I was rude and I didn't handle the whole thing right. I had injured her so she was trying to make me suffer (She doesn't realize I have grown beyond suffering when I don't get her attention... ) She still uses the ploy though!  She refused to answer when I called her the last month.  I only called two times, I am not playing her games.

When I first got the news about My cancer. I only told My son and daughter. I was still trying to absorb the news and I had no real information then ( I still don't) I didn't get a chance to tell My son that I wanted to tell BOTH MOM and Sis  MYSELF so he told them.   I knew it was going to be an Sh** Show of, false caring, 64 questions, Gathering information to gossip with.. etc. I set a boundary and told him You are the first line of finding out about MY treatments IF You can't keep that secret until I am ready to discuss it (with the gossips I have for a family. ) He is the family's golden child. Go figure I raised him completely different than I was raised and My Mom takes all the glory?!  She refused to sit for either of MY KIDS when I was working or going to college. (She babysat for My brother's children though...

I have been going to see specialists and they are gathering me a team to work on this Cancer. Although I have not heard the particulars I am told I have to remain positive to beat this. I don't need these people called Mom and Sis nosing into everything. Sis is already saying "Why is it taking them so long? I Told You to go in sooner. and all the other discussions they are having blaming me for getting cancer. Mom asked me over 10 times "did they ask You to quit smoking?"  "YES< MOM they are proud that I have been smoking 1/2 package for over a year!' Yes, Mom, they are going to put me on a diet, but they are quite proud of me that I have lost 10 pounds through dietary changes I have made in the last six months. My heart is in great condition now. (i had a stent put on 3 years ago.) They just seem to hang on other people's misery. Then they act all perfect hiding their mistakes form everyone. Looking back on My childhood I find that My MOM treated me like she hated me. My little child Susy has been revealing more and more. Of course, You are imagining ALL that, "you have a vivid imagination"...same things You all hear from Your NPD family members.

This is going to be the fight for MY LIFE. I am slow sometimes to "get" the digs from either one of them. I have been fighting for My mental health and winning. I am going off many medications. I have cut a lot of the stress on My heart by keeping My contact low to very low to protect Myself. I practice Gray Rock very often.  I have been setting limits and keeping them as much as possible. I have been struggling with taking care of Myself first but still plott5ing along on that one. I am saying NO when I want to not worry about the FOG.

I am just GOBSMACKED BY THIS.  Any words of advice and encouragement would be helpful. I am not afraid to die...I just want PEACE MY last days. I am however willing to give 100% to the treatment plan the doctors are Working on and planning. I am still in a daze. Thank You,

[Thru the Rain]

Wow - I could have written some of your exact same post.

I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer a month or so ago. I have a plan I'm working through with my doctors. Like you, I trust my doctors.

I called my Mom to let her know, and she went right off the deep end. Everything has to be about her. She went to the internet and called me in a full panic wanting to know EXACTLY what the doctor said and EXACTLY what the plan is.

I shot that down immediately. I don't need uPDM's permission to be sick, and I don't have to include her in any information. I told her she had to stop it. And she did dial it way, way down.

I was prepared to tell her that not everything is about her, and that I can deal with her endless self-centeredness when I'm well but not when I'm sick. Its not my job to make MY health problems easier for HER. I think she gets a sixth sense when she's pushed me to far and she just stops the obnoxious behavior. For a while.

The worst part of it? She was medically neglectful when I was a child. When she should have had an active interest in my health, she refused to take me to see appropriate doctors. Now I'm in my 50s and she wants ALL the EXACT details? Nope. Just nope.

It's your choice to share or not share information. Keep your Mom and Sister on an information diet, and your Son too if you have to. Take care of yourself, treat yourself kindly, surround yourself with people who are positive and kind - a breast cancer support group might be something to look into.

By the way, I had my thyroid surgery just a couple days ago. The hospital took huge precautions - all the Covid-19 patients were in their own wing. The medical professionals helping them don't cross over to the non-Covid patients. And even among the non-covid patients, the hospital took great care in making sure we didn't encounter each other. Every single person who entered my room wore masks, gloves and hair coverings - including the doctors, nurses, medical techs, food service, cleaning people. In the weeks leading up to my surgery I was very anxious about being in the hospital at this time in particular, but I think you can feel assured that medical professionals are taking patient safety very seriously.

[bloomie]

Hopelessly stuck - you are facing a great deal and sorting through complicated diagnostic and treatment information. All of this while making big decisions during a worldwide pandemic! That is a very full plate all on its own.

You are wise to be cautious about who you involve and trust with this information. Priority one is you making decisions about your treatment options that you decide are best and are a support to you going forward.

It's your choice to share or not share information. Keep your Mom and Sister on an information diet, and your Son too if you have to. Take care of yourself, treat yourself kindly, surround yourself with people who are positive and kind - a breast cancer support group might be something to look into.

I could not agree more with this!

You recognize you are in a fight for your life with cancer right now.  You also recognize that you don't need any added pressure or stress.  So important that you already know you need strong and clear boundaries going forward. Keep making good decisions and changes for yourself and taking this one step at a time and we will be here when you need us! Sending strength and healing your way!

[guitarman]

Thank you for sharing. Sorry to hear about what you are going through. It must all be so stressful for you. I hope you get better soon. You need to look after you as no one else is going to do that for you. That means that you need to set firm boundaries and keep to them. Whatever happens keep calm.

You really don't need your mother and sister upsetting you. It's OK to ignore them. Put your needs first, not theirs.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. Whenever anyone is ill she turns the situation around to all be about her and how their illness impacts her and how she feels. She is emotionally blind to other people's concerns or feelings. She just can't do it, so I don't ever expect sympathy or empathy now. Like your situation my sister blames people for getting ill in the first place.

Abusers are all about power and control. You can't change or control them. You can only change and control your own behaviour and how you react to them. The best way is to keep calm and not be provoked into anger by their abusive behaviour. Abusers can turn everything around to become the victim by getting you to become angry and upset with them.

It's good that you practice the Grey Rock technique. That way you won't get on their emotional rollercoaster with them and can detach yourself.

I hope that you can get some more emotional support for yourself, you'll need it. There are organisations that you can join and share with other people going through similar experiences.

I wish you well and hope you can get some peace in your life with your children.

Best wishes

Guitarman X

[Hopelessly stuck]

Thank You all so Much for Your words of encouragement and advice.  I did get good news today. I had a stent put in 3 years ago and My heart is in great condition now. My BP today was 62/116. I went to My regular Family PH-A and she read the PET scan and said there was no cancer found in My body. They are asking for another biopsy for the lymph nodes under My arm that the breast is cancerous. They did not feel any lumps there but want to do an ultra-sound and biopsy there. So, that is good news

I have been trying to leave My husband who I feel is No real danger now, I feel when I try and leave I COULD be at risk for physical violence. ( he used to be very violent before I called the cops on him and he got charged with attempted murder. I set him straight right away. I wouldn't even let him change the subject I told him I was too old to deal with cancer and his emotional putdowns. I told him I was going to leave. I made it clear to him siting other instances where he couldn't/wouldn't take care of me. I told him I was going to stay in the suburbs about 50 miles away to get My treatments. He has been his NORMAL charming self. (you know the one that You see when they are trying to win You over again.) He is walking on eggshells now...

@ Rain, I am sending blessings Your way. I know the hospital I go to seems safe too. My county went from 0 cases to five in the last few days. It helps also that Many appointments they try and do By phone or online. My best Support is a friend of mine who battled Cancer of the thyroid and won. So, You will do it.

It is amazing how much our bodies feel and take the pains of our abuse, isn't it?  My little girl, (inside me)l has been doing her work and I am actually shocked at the memories I am having. Especially when I really start thinking of My memories and compare them to what I did as a parent in the same or similar instances. Going through all these memories has improved My physical and mental health. My arthritis is in remission with only a little joint pain in the Am. My heart is almost like new. Mentally, My Bi-polar is stabilized and I am taking fewer meds to stabilize it. I am off of My anxiety and panic medications. I am adding this as testimony as to how sick these people make us. Eliminating as many of the bad personalities as we can, grey rocking and thinking about how others treat us, and what they say is SO important to our physical health. I knew My Mom had some personality problems but was blindsided by her Covert Narcissistic Personality last year. Her and another (so-called) friend that I had adopted from another country. The end was very messy when Her Mask came off. I was just shocked by how I could miss that with All the studying I have done to miss her Covert Narcissism. I was pretty shocked at Myself that I missed her problems.

I also told My Son right away that this is My problem and I would give him information as soon as I get it UNLESS he finds it necessary to chat with My MOM and Sis about it before I am ready... He agreed and so far as I know has kept his word, although MOM triangulates a lot. I told them, Mom, and Sis, I would not hear anything until Friday coming up. Doesn't this say so much about the PD that we deal with? You get married and it is all about them, You get sick and it is all about them, You have kids and it is all about them, and funerals are All about them too...

My daughter immediately set up a room for me in her twin home. She is setting up and keeping track of My appointments. asking about my diet, she is not working and is planning on taking me to my treatments. She is a sports bar manager and already has the time set-up so that WHEN SHE goes back to work, she will get as much time off as she needs.

My friend who has battled cancer 3 times, one was thyroid Cancer, Is giving me advice on teas she makes and how they helped her, and supplements she takes to stay strong. I havent wrote them down yet but I am going to start with My Dr.s approval of course. She is also trying to teach me to just shed off the crazy things MY family says to me.

I can't resist saying this no offense intended. I have You all for advice dealing with My nutty Family.

Thanks Again...

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm really sorry to  hear about both of your cancer diagnoses, Hopelessly Stuck and Thru the Rain!   

I was diagnosed with stage 4 head and neck cancer back in September.  I was told I had a 90% chance of being *cured* if I underwent 3 rounds of induction chemo, plus 7 weeks of  radiation, with one day of chemo a week.  I ended my treatment  at the end of February - just as  Covid9 was starting to become a worry and every doctor's office started going hands-free. 

I believe I am cured, but I won't know until a PET scan in June, when the chemo and radiation have cleared my system.  I *feel* good but I'm still having side effects, but I've no  reason to doubt  I'm cured, since I followed my doctors' orders. 

I was lucky enough to hold up really well during chemo and radiation, and I credit much of that from  having NO PD tomfoolery to screw with my treatment, or interfere with what I was doing.   

My DH, who has some pretty severe fleas that come out when he's stressed, *did* try messing with me a few times, but I'd point out the error of his ways with a sharp, sarcastic rebuke, "You're attempting to intimidate and pick a fight with a cancer patient.  Your friends would be SO proud of you."

Since he's not a true PD, it would work, and he'd get over his bad self. 

That was the worst of it, though - unBPD Didi has been dead for six years, unNPD Ray has been in a memory care unit for 4 years, and we've been NC with unNPD MIL since the 90's.   

So that's going to be my first advice to you:  DO NOT involve the PDs in your lives!  Tell them you're fine, the treatment is going well, you're doing well, you're following your doctor's orders, you have confidence in your doctor since he/she  has been doing this a long time. 

Do NOT give them any details and if they offer "advice" - go here!  Go there!  Try this herb!  Try this root!  Chemo is poison - sit under this pyramid and chant instead! - to shut them up, say, "I'll look into it..." - and then DON'T! 

If the PDs in  your life demand to know *exactly* what your docs or doing or what the treatment plan is, say, "My doctors said a lot/gave me a detailed treatment plan I'd rather not get into and I trust their expertise..." - and change the subject.   

If YOU are happy with your team - then you are happy with your team and tell the PDS in your life you'll take it under  advisement - just to shut 'em up and get 'em off your back. 

We have a world-renowned cancer facility and a smaller one.  I had a consult at the world-renowned place and they really didn't inspire confidence.  I felt like I was boring them, and WORSE, some guy called the Direct or Smoking Cessation (really?  This is a thing?   ) kept calling me and telling me I would NEVER be able to quit smoking without his expertise! 

I did  - and went with the smaller facility because I liked their *confidence* - and they made every single appointment that I had to be at in the next three weeks (dental, ENT, GI (feeding tube), OB/GYN, neurosurgery/cardiac surgery unit (for a mediport in my chest) colonoscopy, blood work, EKG and sonogram, chest X-ray, etc... - FOR me, before I left. 

All I had to do was transfer everything to my calendar and show up. 

If the PDS will NOT change the subject or keep *insisting*  your doctor is wrong/doesn't know what he/she is talking about or offers ::ahem::  other "helpful suggestions" - you might want to consider ghosting this person or putting them on a STRICT Information Diet, especially if you get the  feeling they're quizzing you because they think you're *lying* or making Much Ado  About Nothing.   

A word from our sponsor, The Gods of Irony  :   I've been a holistic 'practitioner'  in feline health for over 30 years.  A lot of that involves roots, supplements herbs, *your mood* - and homeopathy, which I'll admit, I'm a bit skeptical of, BUT I have had it work, so go figure.    It also involves acupuncture, chiropractic and massage, so I'm all FOR holistic healing BUT you can't replace chemo and radiation - or that and surgery, or swap them out for more gentle treatments.   

You *can* help the side effects with herbs and supplements, but always check with your doctor/oncologist before adding anything to your regimens. 

Always trust your doctors over the PDs in your lives and their excited chatter, which usually doesn't involve any actual *research* - and if you wind up getting sick from their suggestions, they'll blame you, regardless, because you know...that's just what they DO. 

My next bit of advice is to RELAX and try not to be a walking ball of stress, which is easier said than done!   

It's OKAY  to be worried.  It's okay to have anxiety attacks and panic attacks because this is all new, weird, scary, you've  got about 10,000 doctor appointments in the first few weeks, and if a PET scan shows any funky artifacts (blips that may not be anything BUT must be investigated before treatment begins, just in  case it is cancer in other areas), you're going to have even MORE appointments - AND we've got COVID19 going around, it's scary AF, and nobody wants THAT on top of anything - hell, you've probably even asked if this can wait until the pandemic was over, and were told NO.

Always remember to put a NAME to your fears (I'm worried/afraid because...) and try not to let them consume you.  If you're having an anxiety or panic attack at an appointment, SAY SOMETHING - they will understand and empathize. 

"Don" the chemo guru once said to me, "Of course you're having an anxiety attack.  You've never had chemo before."   

He was right -and I calmed down. 

Please breathe - you WILL be okay and everybody is going to do their best to make sure you don't wind up with Covid19, on top of everything else!

Another thing that helps 'talk me down from the ledge" is the mantra, "Please just let everything work out for the best."

It's gotten me through a lot of down, dark times  - and things usually do work out for the best.   

About all those appointments - dozens of them, IRRC  - I didn't want anybody with me, and chances are, you won't, either -  and having somebody with you may not be allowed.

I only brought DH for the initial visit, when I was diagnosed and any time I had a surgical procedure that involved general anesthetic (the colonoscopy because my PET scan showed an anomaly that turned out to be a huge polyp that needed to go buh-bye, having a mediport put in my chest for chemo, and a feeding tube installed because of the nature of my cancer - Thru, you may be looking at that prospect because of the location of your cancer, depending on the treatment plan).

Once you have general anesthesia - even for a couple of minutes - you're considered impaired and need a ride home.

Otherwise, I did everything on my own because I didn't want to bore the shit out of my DH and besides, he REALLY didn't need to see that many eps of The Price Is Right and Let's Make A Deal.   

Smoking:  Is PERSONAL and anybody who isn't a doctor and is pestering you about it should be told in STRONG Medium Chill wording, "I'll take it under advisement, now I'd rather not talk about it."   

If they won't stop - see what I said about stress and end the call.  You have enough stress.  You don't need more.  The last thing you want is to talk to somebody who immediately makes you want to reach for a smoke, just to calm your frazzled nerves.   

I did quit smoking after 39 years.  My DH also quit, which made things easier.  We used the store brands of patches (CVS, Walgreens, Rite Aid) and did okay - we didn't use Chantix, or any other meds, and neither of us got grouchy or put on weight. 

So if it was something  either of you were thinking about, that's my experience.  Take it for what it's worth. 

If you're having induction chemo, which is several large doses of chemo  intended to make large tumors shrink, before a chemo, radiation or  chemo/radiation, and/or surgical regimen is in order, be prepared for ALL your hair to fall out within 10 days. 

I'd normally suggest anybody with long hair go and get it cut short, but Lord only knows if you can find an open Supercuts.  You may have to wait until it starts falling out in the shower and take the clippers to it.

If you don't own hair clippers, you're going to want to get some from Amazon, and if you DO own dog/pet clippers, they work just FINE, so you can save a buck or two.  (If you have dark hair that fell out in clumps, leaving bald spots, carefully using the clippers with no plastic guard  is probably your best bet to make everything look uniform.) 

Chemo:  it can make you sick, or not.  It can make your skin flush, or not.  It can make you sleepy - or not.  It can give you a rash or make you break out - or not.  It can give you the WORST indigestion you've ever had in your life, and it can last for months - or not...

And it can affect your hearing PERMANENTLY!     

If you are on induction chemo and notice your hearing is starting to go, ASAP - SAY SOMETHING, especially if you're having other severe side effects.  The dose may be too high and need to be adjusted!

I *thought* my hearing was permanently fried, but  it's *trying* to come back (mostly...um...ish!), and my last treatment was Feb 29, and YES, radiation to your head and neck CAN make the tissues in your mouth/head/ears swell, and can affect your hearing, taste, and saliva production.

Tru - you may have these side-effects, too. Radiation *will* make things swell - not that the radiation people will admit it, though! 

My taste buds are just starting to come back, even toast feels jabby, pointy and painful in my mouth, BUT  the worst part is having NO saliva - and that may take months more to self-correct.   

In the meantime, there are sprays, rinses, sugar-free gum, sugar-free soda, lozenges - and plain old water.

If something doesn't seem right - say something.  If something seems weird or   funky - say something. 

If you feel unsure and need a hand to hold - say something! 

Makeup and caps - do you or don't you?

I look like a total dork in a hat, so I went with the shaved head and NO makeup. 

I'd read that it's our *responsibility* to look pretty for others and thought I owe nobody anything, and I'm not going to start now - you don't like the way I look?  Don't look at me.  It's that simple. 

Wear what makes you feel good  and if making your own masks and gloves to color coordinate them to your outfits is your thing?  Go for it!   

If you want to show up in your jammies - fine!

Please try NOT to look at the treatment process as this never-ending monster and you're wondering how the hell you'll get through it all:  try to break it down in to manageable chunks, in your head:

The first two weeks is running to every single doctor in my area, sometimes twice.

Then I get a week off.  Yay, me!   

THEN I had induction chemo, every 3rd Monday, followed by an ENT visit, and on Fridays, blood work.

THEN I had three whole weeks off.  Woo-hoo!   

And then came The Big Dance:  5 days of radiation therapy a week, plus a "howyadooin?" oncologist visit on Mondays, PLUS blood work and chemo later in the day on Monday, with the occasional ENT visit thrown in - and this went on for SEVEN weeks, which really wasn't that bad, until my neck started looking like an overdone turkey leg! 

And that was just the outside!  The inside was worse - hence the feeding tube.  Swallowing anything other than lukewarm coffee was NOT an option!

If you WANT to talk about your cancer experiences with others  but  do NOT want the PDs in your lives adding a lot of unsolicited advice or acting like Debbie Downer - post here!

Lord knows  there's enough of us who have survived serious illness or are battling it!   

I want to leave you both with advice that's always served me well: Always trust your  gut. 

Always.  Don't downplay or pooh-pooh, especially if somebody who has your PD Spidey Sense pinging has said something to negate your concerns  - or anybody is trying to downplay your concerns.

Always trust your gut - and *try* to keep your sense of humor. 

Your doctors know what they are doing.  As long as you follow the treatment plan, you're both going to have positive outcomes - and one day, you'll be able to file this in the realm of, "Yeah, that happened..."

You've both GOT this!   



Hopelessly - I just saw you update and I've got my fingers crossed for you!

[Hopelessly stuck]

Thank You so much for all the details NO ONE TELLS you.     So far my schedule is just like You said Yours was. I am going through all the tests I have neglected and every test they can think of.  Right now they have a team together and I have not seen ALL of them yet. I will be reading this advice over and over to keep me strong! Thanks so much.

[guitarman]

Good to hear about your update. Thanks for letting us know.

You may like to look at the YouTube channel of the author and counsellor Kris Godinez who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She gives live talks most Sundays. I have found her very helpful.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Guitarman X

[Thru the Rain]

WI - Thank you for the candid look at what's coming!

I'm glad you're on the other side of this, and hope to join you there soon.

[Hopelessly stuck]

I had a port put in on Friday. I had another biopsy done at the same time. I feel like a pin cushion but I am otherwise OK right now. I went with MY daughter secretly to the country and enjoyed the birds and wildlife with good friends and family that care about me.

I am pretty shy and hate the phoniness of some people. I am thinking about what lessons I need to learn through this journey. I have decided to be pro-active on My hair loss. I am going to put My long hair in a ponytail and shave it all off down to the skin. I have the control that way. I am in a better frame of mind that way. watching my hair fall out bit by bit seems like torture to me. That is the only thing I dreaded was losing my hair.  I have it long enough I can wear it simple to look like Mrs. Bea on Andy of Mayberry or jazz it up into a classic, dressy style.  I did buy a wig and put it on. I can fix it up as I am a hairstylist the worked on wigs in the '60s and '70s.

My Mom is talking about shaving HER head IF I don't wear a wig. I am thinking of all the attention she will get from that. then I think I am overreacting. I told her not to do that that I'd be wearing a wig. She has criticized My hair since I was a child. always complaining about how fine and thin it was. She routinely tells me that  I need to cut it short and how bad it looks...Others tell me how NICE and soft My hair is and how nice it looks even when I do put it into a bun. My daughter loves my hair down in large curls. I like it in a classic french roll. I feel this is another way to get what she has always wanted. I even said to her "I guess You'll get what You want, My hair will finally be cut short. I could tell that she was smirking over the phone.

My Sis is asking 64 questions. I have been dodging her. She asks me over and over again "What made You decide to go in and get it checked?" I dodged the question and ask her when was the last time You had a mammogram? She said SHE has one every year and asked why I was getting snarky. I wasn't I finally texted that IDK and I don't have an answer to that question. I don't care...

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm saving you both seats on the other side of this!   

Hopelessly, if that port starts bugging - mine never stopped driving me nuts, but I have very little fat in my upper chest.  I'm pretty much skin and bone, so the thing  stuck out like a bottle cap! - EMLA cream will make the pain go away.   

It's better than lidocaine cream, which barely does a thing.  EMLA can be gotten from Amazon  and the one I chose was Ebanel NUMB520.  It's the first one that comes up, the cheapest - and works miracles!   

I was told to put the cream on and then place a piece of plastic wrap over the port and leave it - you'll be amazed.   

EMLA has lidocaine in it, but has another ingredient.  You don't need a lot, and one small bottle should hopefully get you through your entire treatment. 

How you deal with the hair loss is entirely up to you. I had a few strands come out in Friday's shower and knew the end was nigh, so I just washed up without shampooing over the weekend, to enjoy my hair's final  hurrah.   

My hair went down to the middle of my back and was colored blonde, but I'd been letting it grow  in brown (or whatever - I'm 55!  ) for several months, as I'd been having skin problems with the coloring.

I just wanted to enjoy it a bit more before about 85%  of it came out in Monday's shower!  

A bit after that, I tried using the clippers to give myself a funky David Bowie in the 70's look, decided it was hopeless, and used the clippers  without any sort of plastic guard for the closest clip.

I thought I looked okay...not great, but okay...but people kept telling me it suited me and it looked good.     

The woman where we buy our pet food exclaimed, "Oh my God, look at you with your little round head and your little round face!"   

She was delighted - until she found out why, but I told her it was cool, I was going to be fine, and I thanked her. 

It's one of those things I still crack up about - and I don't see what she  saw.  I saw what DH saw - I looked like a total badass!   

And I *liked it* - so I rocked the bald look, and still am.  (Well, my hair is growing in, but you can still see scalp in some areas.)

UnBPD Didi used to hate my hair and even once threatened to shave it off and buy me a blonde wig if I didn't color it.   It was always "too" something for her, so when this happened, I was glad she wasn't around.

I'm an evil little duck, so I'd tell your mom I LOVE my bald head and it looks AMAZING - even if I had a different wig lined up for every day of the week.   

I'd just want to see how far she'd go - I doubt she'd shave her head - and I doubt  she'd complain about you to others in public, because that would make her look terrible - and it's TOO easy to turn it around on her and say, "Yes, yes mom, I know - I have cancer and all you care about is how my hair makes you feel."   

FORGET what your mom has to say - this isn't about HER.  I wouldn't even tell her.  It does no good, makes you feel bad, and you are under no *obligation* to her.  You're an adult and can do as you please!

If you want to freak your mom out, send her a pic with you completely bald and loving it - or you wearing a Bozo the Clown wig.   

Like I said - I'm an eeeeeeeevil little duck.   

I was *thinking* about getting a wig, but kept having visions of one of the cats dragging it down to the litter box. 

You were right to stonewall your  sister - you owe her nothing.  You went and had it checked out because you went and had it checked out.  Next question!     

I think I know what she wants you to say, though - that you neglect your health, something weird happened that made you pay attention so this is *all  your fault* for NOT having yearly mammograms. 

I had something kind of similar happen at the Big Cancer Place by us - a physician assistant was *determined* to get me to say I did this to myself by smoking.  She just kept hammering on me and hammering on me and the more I Medium Chilled her, the angrier she got, coming back at me until I said, "I am NOT having this conversation with you so please drop it."   

My DH sat there and watched the whole thing, and told me later he didn't know how the hell I kept my cool.  I really don't think I did, but I did get her to shut her face and leave, which was all I really wanted.

No, we never went back.  I got better, non-judgy care. 

If your mom and your sister are going to be hindrances, tell them as little as possible.  Don't give them the details of your care - they won't care, anyway, unless they can criticize or tell you you're doing something wrong, or they found a better cure at a better place with a better doctor...

Ignore the noise.  It's just what they do.

Focus on YOU, your treatment plan, treating yourself well, treating your body as a temple -  and putting one foot in front of the other until this stage of your treatment is  finished, and then next begins.

You've GOT this!   

[Thru the Rain]

My Sis is asking 64 questions. I have been dodging her. She asks me over and over again "What made You decide to go in and get it checked?" I dodged the question and ask her when was the last time You had a mammogram? She said SHE has one every year and asked why I was getting snarky. I wasn't I finally texted that IDK and I don't have an answer to that question. I don't care...

Such an intrusive question! My uBPM asked me something similar about "why" I had my thyroid checked to begin with anyway?? I think she's looking for gory details to share around with anyone unlucky enough to be cornered by her. I'm sure if I told her some ridiculous and awful story like "it was the bleeding from my eyeballs that led me to the doctor...." she would eat that up! So much more interesting than the truth, which was my regular doctor didn't like how my neck felt and sent me to a specialist, who had a biopsy performed and found cancer. Soooo boring. 

[mcmlxxix]

She said to me " "There isn't anything wrong with You you are Ok." and on and on.

I've had these conversations with my mom.  It's resulted in severe infections by the time I've gone in.  I have my doubts sometimes when she says my chronic health problems aren't anything serious, but I'm afraid to be checked out because of current events.  (I was already treated for a sinus infection.)