Parenting after growing up with abuse

[Maxtrem]

I would like to apologize in advance if I am not in the right section of the forum. My girlfriend and I have always wanted to have children, but lately she has been talking about it more seriously and would clearly like us to try in the near future. Although I want children and from a financial and material point of view it's very feasible for us, I have a fear that I might not be the father I aspire to be. In my family, everything has been dysfunctional for generations, my cousins (with the exception of one who left the country 20 years ago) are obviously bad parents, even toxic ones. When all you've experienced is conditional love, parentification, denigration, emotional abuse... I have a fear of not being a good enough father.

I know that many of you here are parents, and I'd like to hear your stories. Have you experienced additional challenges,,regret,,or I'm the one who's scared for nothing and that it may have made you even better parents? Thank you!

[Call Me Cordelia]

It is a challenge, for sure. I'm similar, PDs galore on both sides of our family for both me and DH as far back as we can tell.

I like how you're approaching this with humility. You have reason to be wary. You aren't scared for nothing. Breaking the cycle is hard, as evidenced by the generations that haven't managed to do it. BUT that you know what you don't know is a huge part of success. I screw up. And I do the repair work every time I become aware it's needed. I think that's true for any of us, but it's just more intense for people like you and me.

I also read a lot of books about raising children, even before I had any and was at all Out of the FOG. (Yes, there ARE manuals!) I knew enough to know I'd have to be a different kind of mom than what I had. Not everything will work for you, indeed there are a lot of conflicting ideas even among non-abusive resources. But having better thoughts in the back of my brain and some theoretical knowledge was helpful when the time came when I actually had a kid.

I can write more, but that can be a start.

[Adria]

I was surrounded by narcs and sociopaths growing up.  The thought of parenting my children never scared me because I saw the horrible things my family did and decided early on that I was going to be different.  I parented completely opposite of the way I was parented i.e., no blind obedience for my children. I explained why I said no, or don't do that, so that my children would understand and make wise decisions. I told my children I loved them and hugged them. I was there for them when they needed a shoulder to cry on, I didn't gaslight them,  etc. I'm not a perfect parent, and because I understand that, I am quick to apologize if I make a mistake.  These are things I never had growing up.  It was a totalitarian environment. If I stepped outside the box, I'd better watch out.

Honestly, because you are asking yourself these questions, to me, means you care and you don't want to repeat what was done to you.  If you can separate what was done to you and stand apart from it, I think you'll do just fine.

[Maxtrem]

Thank you for your reassuring messages and @Call Me Cordelia and @Adria I congratulate you for becoming good parents and breaking the cycle! It's an excellent idea to look for theoretical references in books, especially since despite my great empathy for others I have difficulty with my own feelings, so the theoretical frameworks help me

[Fortuna]

I got pretty far on parenting by reversing of what my mom did. I thought about all the things I didn't like growing up and changed how I parented. (I don't spank, I treat the kids a little humans instead of larva that should not be heard, I don't push them at their activities and let them develop their skills and interests naturally, I attempt to communicate softly as two people and not yell as though I am Ruler of All at Home) I would suggest talking to your girlfriend about what you think of certain parenting techniques, things you like growing up (or saw your friends parents do) and things you don't want to repeat in the next generation. If you can talk it out with a therapist who can help you identify the trouble areas and give you mechanisms to cope so you can raise your children better than how you were raised. I second the idea of reading LOTS of child rearing books. some are good and some are bad. Some of the bad ones have some good points and some of the good ones have unrealistic ideas of child-rearing that seem to set people up for failure, but read them, because you can decide what you WANT to do as a parent and PLAN for how to make that a reality.

I found the single most important thing I do with my kids that my mom never did with me was admit when I was wrong. My mom, being a uNPD was always right to the point that is wasn't even considered. But with my kids if I yell when I shouldn't have, or accuse them of doing something they didn't or just reacted poorly, I have the ability to own it, apologize for the action, atone and (usually) never do the same thing again. It lets them know that they don't have to be perfect and that I'm always willing to listen, even after they messed up (or more likely when I'm catching them in the act of messing up). You will have your most important single thing. Your girlfriend might have a different single thing. But the conviction of changing the cycle of how children in your family are raised is the first step to actually breaking that cycle.

[Amadahy]

Hi, Maxtrem! 

I remember as a very young child thinking, "I am NOT going to do this to my children...." and it helped.  I have three sons, fortunately with a wonderful partner (from a non-PD family).  They've been a dream to parent, but parenting has been the hardest thing ever because I didn't have a good model -- mom was raging, overt N and dad was enabling to a fault. Truthfully, the biggest thing for me, is that I tend to get my feelings hurt if they don't do as I ask.  My inner child brain thinks, "I did all I could to please my mom, why can't they try to do as I ask? They must not love me." Of course, this is untrue thinking and unhelpful and I talk myself out of it, but it takes energy and time to shush those triggers. I think the thing is to be aware of when we're triggered and ask our partner to give us a time out if we need to walk away to regroup a bit.

I suppressed happy tears the first time my middle son respectfully disagreed with me over something -- he felt safe enough to really talk to me about his feelings.  I could have NEVER done this and I felt very proud that he was not afraid or did not withhold his feelings.  All three sons have grown into wonderful adults and I feel like the generations-long cycle of dysfunction is healed.  It is exhausting, rewarding, necessary work in this world where so many are broken.  Just try to practice good self-care and let that inner child guide you to parent the way you would have wanted to be parented.

Oh, and a big learning curve for me? Perfectionism.  I wanted to be the perfect parent and it hasn't yet happened, 23 years later!  LOL.  (It really was a problem at first, setting impossible standards for myself.)  Grace and good humor will get you a long way! 

Best wishes! We're here for you and your gf. 

[Fiasco]

Holy cow Amadahy you've given me a huge revelation into why I'm having such a hard time during my state's continuing lock down with your comment on perfectionism. I too have struggled hugely with my desire to be the perfect parent, since BPDm was nearly 100 percent imperfect.

Ever since the camp where my kids were going to have their first weeks of sleep away camp this summer, after falling in love with it after day camp last summer, announced they're closing for a year due to the virus I've been on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I mean really and truly depressed. When I read your comment on your own struggle I realized the reason this is all hitting me so hard is it's ruined the "perfect childhood " I strive to give them. I'm going to have to reframe this for myself and ask myself how I would have like to be patented if I was going through a pandemic when I was a kid.

[Medowynd]

I vowed not to parent like my narc mom. I did a lot of reading, I took classes and I prayed a lot.  I learned to keep my mouth closed and I refused to echo my mother and her degrading comments about other people (but the thoughts still appear occasionally.)

My daughters are grown now and have families of their own.  Their parenting style is similar to mine, but different as they are very different.  But neither of them parent like my mother and I consider that a generational win.  My sisters parent like our mom and eerily sound like her.  I actually couldn't be around them when they would yell like our mother, I would pack up my family and leave.

[Maxtrem]

Thank you for your posts, I am really happy to see that awareness and self-control has allowed you to break the cycle of intergenerational dysfunction. And I'm also a perfectionist, so thanks for the warning!
My great-great-grandfather was a violent man who abandoned his children, my great-great-grandmother would have died in an asylum. My great-grandfather would have been a rotten person, a sociopath who beat his wife and children daily and took advantage of the fortunes of his adoptive parents (even after his death he triangulated with his will). My grandparents were alcoholics, very absentee parents (there would have been attempts by my GM's spouses to sexually abuse her children). As a result my mother is BPD, an uncle N and a compulsive gambler and alcoholic, my other uncle is an alcoholic and drug addict. My cousins, most of them don't work or work very little, they're not very nice pleasant people; racist, homophobic comments, complain all the time, manipulate.... One of my cousins seems fine, but she left the country a long time ago. One of my cousins seems relatively well, but he's clearly become  numb and he doesn't look after his children, he's clearly an absent father. That's why I'm so hoping to break the cycle !