Why does she want me to be "nothing"?

[Danie]

I always wanted to be an artist. After high school I worked for the post office and was really bored so I took night classes. The instructor pulled me aside and said I should definitely register as a full-time student in the commercial art program (1979). I called my mom who was living in another state with her new husband and told her with great excitement! She said I was trying to be something that I wasn't and to be a waitress like her. I took the program anyway and graduated with honors, won awards and worked as an artist for 15 years, until it got to hard to support myself on it (starving artist   )

Fast forward 30 years. I saw an art contest for a historic church so I did a watercolor of it and though I didn't win (all other entries were children) I got praise and they used it for greeting cards. Since then I've been painting non-stop and I love it. I get great feedback and it feels wonderful and I know I'm very good at it. I've decided to really go for it. Spend money I need to and make it a priority.

I've show my narcissistic mother some of my work on my phone. She doesn't know what to say and her responses are just kind of weird. I don't really blame her for that. And I will say here I am over the years of self-doubt and confusion she planted in my soul.

Saturday my husband and I were at her house fixing her shit again for free    I was really proud of my 2 latest watercolors and brought them to show her.  Stupid me.
As I pulled them out of my portfolio I could feel her try to escape. When I held them up, clumsily...no help from her, couldn't give me a hand, she exclaimed "Grandma Moses"!

I've heard of the painter Grandma Moses and I think she did folk art. Anyway, she said it again and then said Tom her husband always talked about Grandma Moses and how he liked her work. I guess my mom was comparing me to Grandma Moses and as usual referring back to herself/her life and her husband Tom. Tom was also a painter.

The funny thing is, I never heard her say anything good about his art either! After the Grandma Moses comment and I had stuffed my art back into my portfolio I said I wanted to do a show! She said Tom had done shows (he's deceased) and it was soo much work to set it up and take it down. So she went totally negative on that.

That was it. No more conversation, no nothing. I am over her hurtful crushing treatment of me as a young person, but this was downright rude too. It's like she can't ever even be obligingly nice to her children. I don't know if it;s on purpose, but she takes every opportunity to diminish me.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Danie,

I know you already know this, but stop looking to her for approval or encouragement on anything. Ever. You are setting yourself up. Not only is it on purpose, she probably enjoys your a) seeking her approval and b) with holding it. If you know you're good at what you do (fellow artist here) and proud of your work then share your art with people who appreciate it. Nobody else's opinion matters. There will always be critics, and unfortunately your mother is not on your side. I know it sucks, but that's how they are.

[NumbLotus]

Her discomfort tells me you're very good. If she could just shrug off your art, she would, but she is having trouble shrugging off work that is obviously quality.

[Danie]

Thanks Pseudonym and NumbLotus for your responses. That was the last straw, never again. It's weird how it did bring up some of the pain from my younger years when she tried to destroy my dreams. That's why I felt a need to write about it.

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry you are going through this. In my case, my sibling is a felon, work of a human that terrorizes anyone that he finds a reason to attack. But, since he is the chosen one, the golden child, he must be at the top of the order; so that means that I MUST be seen as lower than him.

Is there someone that you're being compare to by her?

[Maxtrem]

My uBPDM has always denigrated, criticized, manipulated everything I did that it did not approve of. It was a way for me to doubt myself and do what she wanted. For example, when I was a teenager I wanted to be an architect, for some obscure reason she didn't want me to do this job (which is a good one), so for years she mentioned how bad I would be as an architect (I would forget about it, put the divisions in the wrong place and go bankrupt). You mentioned that she doesn't want you to be an artist, maybe she wants to put doubts in your mind so that you'll give up and do what she wants? Once I decided to study finance, she encouraged me in this field, because for some reason she supported it. Since I realized this, I no longer share my aspirations, dreams, worries, I stay on the surface to talk to her about myself.

If your mother thinks like mine; she doesn't want you to be nothing, she wants you to be what she wants.

[Honey_B]

Unfortunately, you are right. She does not want you to be anything, she wants you to be uneducated and unable to support yourself, so you will need her always. Then she can push you around and do free stuff for her all your life.

My mother is exactly the same. I managed to break free from her and create a good life for myself in the IT business. I can support myself financially very well and my mother hates it. She never asks about what I do, she tells family members that I am unemployed and that she supports me. Because she likes the thought of me being dependent on her. Its really sick behavior.

[AD]

I always wanted to be an artist. After high school I worked for the post office and was really bored so I took night classes. The instructor pulled me aside and said I should definitely register as a full-time student in the commercial art program (1979). I called my mom who was living in another state with her new husband and told her with great excitement! She said I was trying to be something that I wasn't and to be a waitress like her. I took the program anyway and graduated with honors, won awards and worked as an artist for 15 years, until it got to hard to support myself on it (starving artist   )

Fast forward 30 years. I saw an art contest for a historic church so I did a watercolor of it and though I didn't win (all other entries were children) I got praise and they used it for greeting cards. Since then I've been painting non-stop and I love it. I get great feedback and it feels wonderful and I know I'm very good at it. I've decided to really go for it. Spend money I need to and make it a priority.

I've show my narcissistic mother some of my work on my phone. She doesn't know what to say and her responses are just kind of weird. I don't really blame her for that. And I will say here I am over the years of self-doubt and confusion she planted in my soul.

Saturday my husband and I were at her house fixing her shit again for free    I was really proud of my 2 latest watercolors and brought them to show her.  Stupid me.
As I pulled them out of my portfolio I could feel her try to escape. When I held them up, clumsily...no help from her, couldn't give me a hand, she exclaimed "Grandma Moses"!

I've heard of the painter Grandma Moses and I think she did folk art. Anyway, she said it again and then said Tom her husband always talked about Grandma Moses and how he liked her work. I guess my mom was comparing me to Grandma Moses and as usual referring back to herself/her life and her husband Tom. Tom was also a painter.

The funny thing is, I never heard her say anything good about his art either! After the Grandma Moses comment and I had stuffed my art back into my portfolio I said I wanted to do a show! She said Tom had done shows (he's deceased) and it was soo much work to set it up and take it down. So she went totally negative on that.

That was it. No more conversation, no nothing. I am over her hurtful crushing treatment of me as a young person, but this was downright rude too. It's like she can't ever even be obligingly nice to her children. I don't know if it;s on purpose, but she takes every opportunity to diminish me.

I'm sorry, it's always disappointing when our parents can't be happy for us or proud, even if we know to expect it. I agree with the other commenters - share your art with others who will appreciate it and rise you up, rather than someone who has nothing positive to offer.

Your post rang a bell for me too, as sadly this is how my "better" parent responds to things. Whereas my possible NF seems to have contempt for me and wants me to fail, I don't think my M does, but she's never....seemed interested in anything I've done or ever said anything positive to me.

I'm fortunate to have done well in school, had a few graduations and exciting career opportunities, and she just.....says nothing. I don't know if she's just really emotionally repressed and it doesn't come naturally to her to be encouraging/express any kind of emotion, or if it could be something worse. Though I see her with grandkids now being able to say things like "good job!"

When your Mom made the comparison to "Grandma Moses", I wonder if maybe this was her way of engaging in some way? Not to make excuses for her, because she should obviously do way better than this, but I guess I'm comparing her to my M (and for me, if M actually engaged at all it would be an improvement...but its a low bar).

[Danie]

Twenty-Twenty

I don't know how this works, but yes I've always been compared to an older sibling. My mother has always valued her own looks. She went to modeling school, but just like everything else in her life she screwed it up. My older sister is and was the beautiful one of the children. I used to call myself the "ugly duckling" when I was younger, but I'm really not. I just got treated like I wasn't as beautiful as my mom and sister.
My mom still tries to have this sisterly connection with my older sibling by being beautiful. Mom criticizes little flaws in her and they project off each other about their own physical insecurities. I've never lived up to their standards or even tried. My older sibling judged and criticized me my entire life about my body, my clothes, my car, everything.
Now they constantly fight and judge each other! I'm so over it and repeatedly have to tell this sister to leave me out. She constantly calls me and wants me to side with her in judging and criticizing and demeaning our mother.

[blacksheep7]

Danie: your quote
Now they constantly fight and judge each other! I'm so over it and repeatedly have to tell this sister to leave me out. She constantly calls me and wants me to side with her in judging and criticizing and demeaning our mother.

Sorry for what you're going through, I walked the same path with younger sis and nm.  First off, it's cruel to be compared to our sibling.  Protect yourself from negative people and their comments.

My sister used me as her dumping ground and even if I gave her advice, she ignored it. She would repeat everything I said to nm.   Well, it all ended in nc with my whole foo because of nm comparing and triangulation. I'm not saying to do that but put boundaries in place, limit and screen phone calls.  They suck up energy.

You don't need your m validation and will never get it.  Jealousy.   You are doing well  in what you love.  Your work/art is appreciated by others.  Good for you!

take care

[Danie]

I think they're both NPD! Imagine that, 2 of them going after each other. I don't know where I fit....dumping ground? Sounds about right.

I try to stay out and away, especially from the sister. She is incredibly manipulative. Texted me yesterday said she was sending me a homemade mask (I don't need it) I answered so she realized I was home. Then she called, ugh! Questioned me on my visit to my mom's. I should say she drilled me. Then she proceeded to find faults, flaws, lies on and on with mom and wanted me to validate her feelings and perceptions.

I told her AGAIN I can't listen to it.

[TwentyTwenty]

Danie, you're right in target! Once I decided to cut all ties, they began to chew on each other. The fact is, they simply cannot exist without demonizing or demoralizing someone else.. and if their favorite target of attack is gone, they will find someone else to go after.