kicking out my pregnant sister/daughter

Started by fevredream, April 22, 2020, 07:31:05 AM

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fevredream

Ok, quick explanation...My sister is 26 years younger than me. My parents adopted her when she was 3 or 4. I have always been her sister/mother. Our mom died 4 years ago when sister was 16. sis was already a bit off the rails at that point with drinking and drugs. She moved out as soon as she turned 18 and in with her boyfriend. they had a volatile relationship and she spent lots of time sleeping on peoples couches. She got involved with another guy. I never knew his real name until today. I heard through others that he beat her, that she was his side chick, that he was a drug dealer. she moved back in with my dad about 2 years ago, I think. since I pay all the bills for his house, I told her she had to cut all ties with this guy. she said she did but now I know she didn't. she is 6-7 weeks pregnant with that guys baby. she wants to keep it. She wants him to know his kid and the kid to know its father. I told her she has to leave. I told her I would make sure she had a roof over her head if the guy wasn't involved but she has some "happy family" shit pictured in her head and wants him to "be a part of my baby's life". I told her she has to leave. I will not support her as long as that person is part of her life. I will not invite that kind of chaos into my life or my son's (11 years old) life.

she told me his real name today and I found his facebook where it says he is in a relationship with a woman that is not my sister. So, I guess, side chick confirmed.

I am all over the place emotionally. i don't want to kick her out but I cannot accept or support her decision to have a child with this guy. She has lied to me over and over. she is emotionally and verbally abusive to everyone around her, even her dogs. She is not stable, emotionally, herself. I know she has a lot of issues that were not her choices (adoption, mom's death) but it seems like all her choices are just...wrong. I am so sad for her and for her potential child (she will not consider abortion or adoption). I feel like I have no choice but to cut her off. She has lived with my dad ( he will be 80 this year) for about 2 years and she had a job for about 2 months in that time. she lost it when she got arrested for underage drinking. She has just come off probation for that. I bonded her out of jail and paid off her probation fees. I bought her a car when she was 16 and when she wrecked it (the same day our mom died of cancer), i bought her another one. when her friend got arrested while driving that car and the car got impounded, I got it out. I put a $1k stereo in it for her that she let get stolen. I have bought her multiple cellphones and paid the bills. I just shelled out a bunch of money to remodel her room (it was time, I don't begrudge getting the house worked on because it did need to be done). I was in the process of trying to find her yet another fucking car. And she has never held a job for longer than 6 months. i was trying to get her some health insurance so she could hopefully start seeing a therapist and working some of her issues out. But now she wants this baby. She said they used condoms but I think she just told me that so I wouldn't be mad at her. I am so beyond mad that I am out the other side into I don't know what.  I also found out that he is 37 years old, has at least 3 children and may be a confidential informant for the police.

I feel so cold and cruel and evil and mean. and righteous. I don't want her to live on the streets or be alone and abandoned with a baby. she is an adult. She is not my child. she is not my responsibility. I hurt so much for her. I wanted to help her, I wanted to make sure she was safe and her baby was too but I just can't. I will end up raising that baby and I don't want to! I had my child and he is everything to me and I don't think I have room in my life to do that again. i was also a single mom but I was 35 years old. I didn't want anything to do with my son's father. And he did every dirty trick he could to take my son away from me but none of it worked. He died last year. I had not seen or heard from him in 4 years before that. My son never knew him. i did try to be a good mom and a good co-parent but his father had some mental issues that made him very unreliable.

her best friend is in a long term relationship and has a one year old child. She thinks this is a good thing because she thinks it will finally make my sis be responsible. She is excited that their kids will be close in age. of course, her boyfriend's mother moved in with them and has pretty much taken care of the baby and all the house work. Best friend does manage to hold a job. Her grandmother bought her a house. I don't know if she lives there rent free or not. She thinks the kid deserves to know his "daddy". all I see is my sister setting herself up for 20 years of emotional rollercoaster. I tried with my son's dad. i tried to suck it up and make the visitation arrangements and be a good co-parent and my heart broke for my son because all his dad wanted was a way to hurt me because I didn't want to marry him when I found out I was pregnant.

Can anyone tell me how to manage this? She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder right around 18 years old. I have looked at the Out of the FOG website and I use a lot of those techniques when I have to deal with her. She is like a hurricane and when she is in full force, she is scary. I outweigh her by 100# and I am a full foot taller than her but she scares me. Her first thought with things she can't control is to scream and hit and throw things. How is that going to work out with a newborn? whether she is in my dad home or my home, I could not see that without wanting to save the baby. It is killing my soul to think of her having this baby in the winter with no place to stay.

My family's main fear is that this guy sees her as poor little rich girl.  We own a business in a small poor town.  We have a big house with a pool and two other houses (all occupied or I would be setting her up in one of them).  After my experiences with my son's dad, I know people will try to take you for everything they think you have.  People around here mistakenly believe we have lots of money because we have a business.  If we lose the business, we lose everything because we all work and get paid by the business.  We (me, my two brothers, dad, sister in law) have not worked anywhere else in 10+ years.
Right now I am leaning towards finding her a rental house, paying 2-3 months rent (I have been secretly putting money in an account for her because I knew something like this would come up) and washing my hands of her.  But can I actually do that once the baby is born?  My brothers are completely over her actions and have been for a long time.  They allowed her to live in the house with no job and sleeping all day and being out all night because at least she wasn't pregnant.

I am so torn up over this.  How do I walk the fine line of helping her out without paying for everything?  I told my sister in law last night that helping her is like an oiled slide.  If I put one foot on it, the next thing I know I am all the way down and in the mud.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYTHING

tldr: please, I need to know how to handle this. am I in the right or in the wrong to kick my pregnant sister out of the house I pay for?

momnthefog

fevredream,

Welcome to this forum.  I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here with your sister.  You have certainly tried to do the right thing as both her sister and mother.

Before I make any suggestions, I'll tell you a bit about me...there are commonalities in our family.  I have adopted and biological kids.  I have experience with drug and alcohol abuse.  i have an adult daughter dx with BPD in her late teens.  She also has a child.

If you have time you can go back and look at my threads related to my daughter and more recently to a son who I had to ask to leave the house (he is also adopted).  It took about 2 years for me to get the courage to do that b/c of his physical disabilities. 

You are not a bad person by requiring her to behave as an adult.  There's a saying that we teach people how to treat us....the constant bailing her out (from jail, cell phones, cars, money, home, food) has taught her that she can count on you to take care of her adult responsibilities....she doesn't have to "do" anything.  You need to re-teach her (which is nearly impossible with BPD/drug and alcohol use) and come to terms with the fact that her life and the life of her child will be radically different than the lives of the other grandchildren.....and that will be difficult in a small town. 

I would suggest that you and your family develop a clear plan of what you will do and won't do with a timeline.  And then present that to her.  Above all STICK to the timeline.  And expect things to get worse, not better as the deadlines approach.   I would suggest acting sooner rather than later b/c once she starts "showing" it will be even more difficult to get a job.  As a single parent with no or limited income she is eligible for WIC and Medicare (or Medicaid....I can never keep those straight) which will cover prenatal visits and delivery.   She needs to name the father on the birth certificate in order to get child support.  If you believe she is actively using drugs, I'd find a way to report that to her doctor so she can be drug tested as I think there may be some recourse the court could take to protect her baby while in utero.  If she ends up on welfare there's section 8 housing, food stamps....I've learned that people can be quite resourceful when they need to be.

I'd keep talking to her about adoption....open adoption is very common now where she selects the family....that decision might come in the 9th month when she realizes how hard it is.

There's a toolbox on this site which might give you some other ideas of how to respond to her.

Please do not hesitate to reach out and let us know how things are going.....there is no right or wrong way to manage situations with family members with a PD....and I'm sure this is especially painful now that your sister is pregnant.

You are not alone in this ...many of us have walked a similar path.

Hugs,

momnthefog





 
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

fevredream

thank you!  I realize that my emotions are swinging wildly at this point.  I am trying to create boundaries but since I am not clear what they are, I am bouncing all over the place.  Because this is so new, I am not sleeping and not really able to eat.  I want to cut her out of my life entirely because I am so fed up with her.  I want to hug her and tell her I will be there for her no matter what.  I am having flashbacks to when she was a baby and her bio mom used her as a pawn and as a way to get my mom to do whatever she wanted.  Her best friend has told me I am cold and cruel for not being happy for her.  I feel like they are already using the baby against me.  Right now I have promised myself I will give her some money, I will pay her phone bill for 3 months and I will help her locate resources.  and that is it.  Up to this point,  I have made all her appointments and done all the phone calling.  I found a place for rent, sent her the link and suggested she get a roommate.  She has found someone who can room with her (that fast!) and called the place about the rental.  But she doesn't have 2 months proof of income and she said I needed to call them.  I actually told her I was sorry but I would not do that.  And 5 minutes later she told me her potential roommate had proof of income and they are going tomorrow to look at the place.  Her best friend is loaning her a car.  I am happy for her that people are pulling together to help her and I am so surprised because up to this point, she couldn't even get a ride anywhere.  We have been letting her drive my brother's car when she needs to but I think that needs to stop.
I am trying to prepare myself for a few months in the future.  What am I willing to do.  Will I pay her electric bill?  Will I bail her out of jail?  Will I give her a ride home from her job?  Will I buy her a meal?  Do I need to face the fact that to protect myself and my child from possible guilt trips that I need to cut her off completely?  I am going to keep our communications only on text right now.  Maybe forever.  it is so much less stressful than answering the phone and not knowing if she is going to be happy or crying or screaming.
My luck is that I live in my own house.  She told me no one at her house (my dad's) will look her in the face and no one is speaking to her.  I have a hard time speaking to her.  I am so angry with her.  I have no idea where her head is.  How can she think she can raise a child when she can't even get out of bed to let her dogs outside.  What am i going to do when she calls me crying because the baby is sick or she is sick?  what am I going to do when her roommate kicks her out because her dogs poop in the house?  I am going to go to the toolbox and hope I can figure this out. 

PeanutButter

I understand you are upset. Im sorry to say this but I think someone should.
She is an adult NOT a child. Should you be trying to tell her who she can have a relationship with whether she is pregnant or not, whether she is pd or not, whether you are helping her or not?
She IS an adult. Therefore no other adult has the right to decide her stuff for her imo.
Keeping this codependency going is obviously not good for either one of you.
"The undertone ...if you don't do what I want....you will suffer." Susan Forward, Ph. surely isnt the message you want to give her is it?
IME If you decide whether you will help her based on something other than whether she lets you make her decisions for her, it gives you a better chance to have a healthy relationship with her once she is in her own.
Whether she and her lover used a condom while making love is between those two adults making love not between you and her or between you and them!
This is not ok.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

xredshoesx

i can speak from my perspective as the second child born from a parent who was not mentally stable enough to parent-

my mom's parents stepped in when i was like 7 (which made some parts WAAAAY worse but not pertinent to your post) and parented me for their most likely PD daughter until i was in 6th grade- she lost custody of me again when i was in HS.  my biological mother has a long term history that involves all things unsavory, all of which i was exposed to as a small child and then again as a teenager.  when her parents stepped in it pretty much enabled her more because again they took care of her responsibilities (me and my older half brother who i thought was my uncle growing up) to keep shame from falling on them and she just got to continue using, crazy making and having a jolly good time on their dime.  my childhood was much like you described your sisters in how my mother used me as a PAWN all the time to get what she wanted from people.   i think for you  trying to step in may be more hurting you than you are realizing and it's ok for the health of you and your own kid to step back on this because you can't save her and then lose yourself in the process.

i think you are in your rights to want to sever the help you have given her to this point and put her out.  i think you would also be well within your rights to report her to CPS when the baby is born if you feel the conditions she is living in are not safe for a child.  i know it;s hard but you can't help her fix this if she doesn't see it as a problem.  it sounds like your sister is in a very messy situation but the best thing for your own mental health and well being may be to step back and be there if she asks for help but it doesn't sound like she realizes she may need help.   that may be the best compromise between refusing to help at all or going to the other end of the spectrum and enabling her to continue what she is doing and then you are the one raising that baby.

i am so sorry you are going through this- 

fevredream

peanutbutter, you are right, she is an adult and can have whatever relationship she wants with whoever she wants.  My problem with the person she has chosen is that I believe his situation is a danger to my family and our livelihood.  He is an unsavory character.  When she has been hurt by him and her so called "friends" she actually is honest about them.  They see her as a poor little rich girl who can get cash when she wants it and a car to drive.  She has a big house with a pool to live in and she doesn't have to hold down a job or do anything  for it.  I know for a fact (she confessed) that she broke into our office and stole cash from us when she was moved out the last time.  If it was just that she got pregnant, that would be one thing and, to be honest, I wouldn't really have a problem with.  The problem is that the person she wants to have a baby with is a known criminal.  and she wants him to be involved in the kid's life.  Which means he is involved in my life.  And I have to protect the business that supports my family.  I went through being a single parent and custody battles.  I know that my son's dad kept me in court for years just because he wanted to hurt me.  I can't put the safety of my son and my extended family at risk because she has some fantasy about this guy or a family.  She has made her choices and I am making mine.  I can't do this with her anymore.  It is time for her to stand on her own.

PeanutButter

You said "My family's main fear is that this guy sees her as poor little rich girl.  We own a business in a small poor town.  We have a big house with a pool and two other house...After my experiences with my son's dad, I know people will try to take you for everything they think you have.  People around here mistakenly believe we have lots of money because we have a business.  If we lose the business, we lose everything because we all work and get paid by the business. "
How can he take your family business? Just curious.
You said "She is 6-7 weeks pregnant with that guys baby. she wants to keep it. She wants him to know his kid and the kid to know its father. I told her I would make sure she had a roof over her head if the guy wasn't involved but she has some "happy family" shit pictured in her head and wants him to "be a part of my baby's life".
"She thinks the kid deserves to know his "daddy".
This is not an uncommon desire for mothers to be imo.
You also said "all I see is my sister setting herself up for 20 years of emotional rollercoaster. I tried with my son's dad. i tried to suck it up and make the visitation arrangements and be a good co-parent and my heart broke for my son because all his dad wanted was a way to hurt me because I didn't want to marry him when I found out I was pregnant."
"I was also a single mom but I was 35 years old. I didn't want anything to do with my son's father. And he did every dirty trick he could to take my son away from me but none of it worked. He died last year. I had not seen or heard from him in 4 years before that. My son never knew him. I did try to be a good mom and a good co-parent but his father had some mental issues that made him very unreliable."
It seems like you believe that she should take your life lessons and apply them to her situation i could be wrong here but this is not how life works we all have to make our own mistakes and learn from them
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

fevredream

she is making her choices and I am making mine.  I hate that there will be a baby involved but that is not my choice.  My choice is to not support her financially.  I was already at that point before she got pregnant, this just made it more obvious that she needs to get out and stand on her own two feet.  I am still trying to support her emotionally as much as I am willing to do.  I am still working through that and what my boundaries with this are.

PeanutButter

I reread your old posts.
Your sister is an addict?
Unless she is treated simultaneously for her mental health and addiction she will probably not be able to get into recovery.
https://www.addictioncenter.com/addiction/dual-diagnosis/
Have you tried naranon for yourself?
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

fevredream

she smokes weed and drinks.  I suspect she is still...or was still doing other things before this happened.  At this point, I just don't know what the truth is anymore.  The last time we had a real heart to heart, she was done with him because he didn't treat her right, etc, etc.  I'm going to look into naranon right now

PeanutButter

I went back to my abuser over and over and over and over.
If you check out the chosen and separating and divorcing threads you may see that is the pattern for many of us. It can be like an addiction too.
If she is being abused then its a pattern ime. People with healthy sense of self and boundaries do not do this.ime
Check out all the info you can on narccississtic abuse syndrome and battered women.
There is a cycle to these kind of destructive relationships.
IMO No amount of your anger or withdrawing help is going to change or control her behavior. That just doesnt work!
Good luck. Try to concentrate on your self care. Disconnect with love.
I do visual excersises where I imagine a wonderful outcome for them happening without my influence. I turn it over to my higher power.
I know I was always cared for by my higher power even when my family's (mini cult) and religion's (actual cult) only purpose of contolling me came to light. It all worked out for me. So I keep faith that the same will happen for my children too.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

bloomie

fevredream - I can really "hear" the pain and angst all of this is bringing you. The love and bond you have with your sister is powerful. I am sorry that your sister's life is so unstable despite the best efforts of you and the rest of your family on her behalf.

What kept coming to my mind as I was reading through your post was the familiar analogy of putting our oxygen masks on first. Putting the wellbeing of you and your child and your business that provides for yourself and many other family members before bailing out your grown adult sister once again is healthy and wise.

Not easy by any means, but possibly necessary and maybe, just maybe the best possible hope your sister will ever have to move into adulthood and live responsibly with the choices she has made all on her own. It is respectful to treat your sister like an adult as you are suggesting doing.

It has to be extra hard to sort through all of this when there is an innocent child soon to be in the mix. I do get that. You don't have to justify or defend your perceptions and experiences of your sister's choices for us. We are here to listen and support you as you find the best way to handle a complicated and important relationship.


The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

fevredream

today I am just randomly sobbing about it all.  I can't help her.  She told her bio-grandmother who adopted my sister's half brother.  Her grandmother who didn't want her when she was a baby because she was "too old to be a mother".  I know my sister has told her some version of the truth.  Not the actual truth because she never does.  Her version of the truth where we are all evil horrible people and she is the innocent misunderstood victim.  She does not want me asking her if she has applied for a job, found a place to live, etc.  And I see us living in this limbo for the next month.  and we will hit May 31 and nothing will be different.  My dad is sobbing all day because he sees her ruining her future.  I don't know how to help anyone.

notrightinthehead

Would it possible for you - just for a few days - to tell yourself that you will respect your sister's choices for now and allow her to bear the consequences of her choices, thus that you will treat her like you would treat any responsible mature adult? Could you - just for a few days - distance yourself and view her and her choices like you would consider another adult, with detached, well meaning kindness?
You are in despair over another adult's choices and behaviour - another adult that you have no control over and whose behaviour is not your responsibility. You cannot control what your sister does with her life, you can only respect her choices and allow her to bear the consequences of her choices. I know that is hard. But maybe you can just try this position for a few days - every time your sister's situation comes to your mind, you tell yourself that you cannot control her and you are not responsible for her. Then you concern yourself with something you can control - how you behave and what you do.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.


PeanutButter

I dont know if this would help. Maybe since you need to get your mind somewhere else any way this would work. This is a video by Jerry Wise https://youtu.be/H78tml5IdiA
He describes how to work remaining detached even when emotion is high.
Notrightinthehead is so wise. Her comment "that you will treat her like you would treat any responsible mature adult" reminded me of this video. Jerry explains how he changed how he was reacting by 'imagining if he was not 'jerry- mom's little boy' but instead 'betty-the neighbor lady' then this changed everything about his response. Now he also explains that in the beginning you have to act calm even if you dont 'feel' calm.
All of this helped me so much!
I was completely enmeshed with multiple family members. It robbed me of peace.
One of them was my sister who is probably personality disordered and is an addict.
I allowed her total control of me since I was very young. That was my 'role' in the 'Family System'
The thing with enmeshment is that physical distance does not fix it.
I understand a little bit.
I m sorry if I come across as judgemental. I am not judging you. I feel like I have been where you are.
The video is long. I watched it in 20 minute increments. Good luck.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

SweetTea

#16
Quote from: fevredream on April 25, 2020, 12:29:20 PM
I don't know how to help anyone.

Hi fevredream,

I haven't been through exactly what you are going through, but I feel your anxiety to my core. When I found this website I was deep in the throes of anxiety and depression and my Anticipatory Anxiety had me so stung out, not able to sleep, heart palpitations, constant gnawing in my stomach, fixating on horrible future scenarios, ruminating on bad past scenarios, it left me feeling to hopeless, scared, unmoored, my emotions all over the place, just miserable.

Things that help me:

This forum: The discussion forum was pivotal on me self-reflecting and learning what was 'my stuff' and what was 'not my stuff'. It had me learning what worked for some people here on these boards. What questions I needed to ask myself. What questions I needed (in my case) to put to my partner. There are people on this very thread who were instrumental in helping me 'see' what I had been blinded to while muddle through my own fog.

The Tool Box and the Glossary:

For you, I'd focus first on the 3 C's rule to your sister's life choices: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it.

Another one term you might find useful is Make Good Choices: "Although it may seem like an obvious statement to make, it is important to devote our energy to making good choices, which we can control, and spend less energy worrying about circumstances, which we can't control."

You can't control your sister, your sister's choices, your sister's 'friends' and their choices, the father of her child and his choices. You can't control your father (or his own anxiety response.) It is upsetting to realize this. But it is also freeing. Your anxiety changes not one thing on things happening around you. Your anxiety is only harming YOU.

The one person you can help is YOU.

What helped me?
Meditation. I started with a free trial phone app for my anxiety called Head Space.
Therapy. I found someone who specialized in Anxiety.
Reading The Anxiety Workbook by John Forsyth and George Eifert.
Reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.
Reading When Pleasing Others is Hurting You by Dr. David Hawkins
Watching Videos: For me I watched different therapists discussing NPD. But I also discovered Kati Morton who has a wide array of subjects to dig through. She has a lot of stuff on Anxiety.

Consider that your relationship with your sister and your father may be more enmeshed than is healthy for any of you. Perhaps find some reading on enmeshment to determine if that is the case. Perhaps someone here on the boards has a suggestion for a book or video regarding enmeshment?

You are ONLY responsible for taking care of YOU and your minor child. That's it. In order to be the best mom you can be to your minor child, take care of you. Help YOU. Put your oxygen mask on first. Breathe.  :hug:

Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it. ~Ziad K. Abdelnour

hhaw


fevredream:

So much great advice on this board.

I just wanted to add... .when you speak to your sister you might let her know you love and accept her as a human being.  You have issues with some of her choices.

Stepping out of judgment and into compassion might help her hear you.  Dropping all expectation for the outcome should help also, IME.

Asking her what she's going to do, to solve her problems, then listening without judgment, rather than talking at her or letting her hear your fear/anger/frustration is something to think about.  SHe needs to know you believe in her.... she needs to know she's an adult who'll be living with the consequences of her actions.  YOU aren't in charge and you aren't going to solve her problems for her.  Not bc you;re punishing her, but bc she's an adult. She's in charge of her responsibilities... not you.  You have your own business to attend to.  If you can take yourself out of the equation, your sister might see the gravity and depth of her situation, bc she won't be focused so much ON YOU, IME.

As other posters have written... you can't control anything or anyone but yourself. 

Learning how to regulate your emotions is a skill your sister and son would benefit from.

Caring for yourself really is the most loving thing you can for others, bc you're modeling skills they'll take with them for a lifetime.  You'll have less fear and more joy... more connection... improved ability to respond to yall your loved ones, IME.



hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

PeanutButter

Quote from: hhaw on April 27, 2020, 05:01:36 AM
fevredream:
So much great advice on this board.
I just wanted to add... .when you speak to your sister you might let her know you love and accept her as a human being.  You have issues with some of her choices.
Stepping out of judgment and into compassion might help her hear you.  Dropping all expectation for the outcome should help also, IME.
Asking her what she's going to do, to solve her problems, then listening without judgment, rather than talking at her or letting her hear your fear/anger/frustration is something to think about.  SHe needs to know you believe in her.... she needs to know she's an adult who'll be living with the consequences of her actions.  YOU aren't in charge and you aren't going to solve her problems for her.  Not bc you;re punishing her, but bc she's an adult. She's in charge of her responsibilities... not you.  You have your own business to attend to.  If you can take yourself out of the equation, your sister might see the gravity and depth of her situation, bc she won't be focused so much ON YOU, IME.
As other posters have written... you can't control anything or anyone but yourself. 
Learning how to regulate your emotions is a skill your sister and son would benefit from.
Caring for yourself really is the most loving thing you can for others, bc you're modeling skills they'll take with them for a lifetime.  You'll have less fear and more joy... more connection... improved ability to respond to yall your loved ones, IME.
:like:
Hhaw thanks. I am always benefited by your thoughts, experience, and knowledge; which IMO = wisdom.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle