Childhoud memories flashback

[Maxtrem]

I always thought that I had forgotten my childhood because I had a bad memory, but no, that would be a defense mechanism according to my psychologist. Recently, I had flashbacks (without a trigger) of my childhood while I was at work (it's been a hard day, I've been holding back from crying). One memory was a death threat from my mother because I had a bad grade, another one where she said they were going to put my dog down as punishment, I also had a memory where one of my teachers told me that I didn't seem happy and asked me if it was okay at home and I said it was okay by taking the blame that the problem was me, etc. Another time she told me that I had no soul and that she wouldn't be surprised if one day I was possessed by a demon! But the one that impacted me the most was that I was 7 years old and I said to myself: it doesn't matter, be patient, when you will turn 18 just buy a rifle to shoot yourself. I must have been really unhappy to think about that at 7 years old! Another memory that also marked me is that I had talked to my mother about dying and she told me that the whole family would have a party to celebrate my death, I was 9 years old. In addition, whenever my mother experiences moderate discomfort she threatens to commit suicide and often blames me for it! I've understood since I was a teenager that my mother and what I was going through was not normal, but I had until recently really downplayed it. I haven't been beaten up and I've always had food... But with such memories, I understand that I experienced psychological abuse that must have been fairly regular during my childhood. In adolescence and early adulthood I devoted myself to making sure she didn't experience the slightest discomfort (as a result I no longer existed) so that I wouldn't be abused, so abuse was less frequent I think. But denigration, criticism, parentification, guilt and manipulation were always present.   

Strangely, I don't live any anger against my mother and I don't understand why, on the other hand I have contempt for her and since my flashback, I feel a great sadness (my girlfriend noticed it very quickly, but I don't dare talk to her about it, I don't know why) and I don't know what to do with it! I don't know why I had these flashbacks either, I honestly wish I didn't remember them. Especially since the amnesia of my childhood was a defense mechanism to protect me from feeling too painful an emotion that would have threatened my psychological balance (according to my psychologist).

Have any of you had a similar experience?

[Whitesheep45]

Hi maxtrem
My experience is that flashbacks /memories and experiences have come when its the time for them to come for my a drip drip effect..
Each memory comes up because it wants to get healed and this with the help of trauma therapist and processing has given me the space, tools and accessing the feelings.
With regard to anger one of my blocks was good girls don't get angry.. I was really frightened of my feelings, scared what I was capable of.
Today I can feel my anger, feel where it is in my body, accept it and integrate it..
This wasn't always the case and giving time time is helpful.
Your m like mine sounds very very unwell.. I am sad to hear of this level of cruelity, psychological abuse your suffered. Terrifying.
I suffered similar and in the beginning of my recovery i wouldn't be able to comprehend what had happened to me as being that bad. I guess it was just normal to me... It was just words right!
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haven't been beaten up and I've always had food...

Now I can clearly see and this has taken work with psychologist that m was extremely cruel and horrifically abusive.
As I've accessed the feelings, developed tools and had much healing this has become clearer and clearer. So much so that I went back to my abuser and relaid my whole experience of living in that house without blaming her... Not that I'd recommend this to people but for me it helped lift some shame.
Remember to be gentle with yourself, just allow  the process to unfold and get as much support as u need..
It's brave work and takes courage but it's so worth the freedom

[WinterStar]

Trauma amnesia is super common. I haven't ever forgotten things exactly, but I have had times when I was less aware of how bad things were. To recover from an anxiety disorder and depression, I've had to unpack a lot of mental boxes and take a good look at everything that was in there. It's been a slow process, and I realized recently that I've needed to work through one family member at a time.

It started with my dad, the malignant narcissist, whose damage was overt. I don't remember what I did, but he was mad at me about something when I was 12, and he took me to the end of the driveway and with a terrifying quiet rage explained to me that if I didn't like our family, I could find somewhere else to live and pointed at the other houses before leaving me there alone. I had a couple of friends in the neighborhood and defiantly considered walking to one of their houses and asking to spend the night. I almost did it, but then I couldn't work out what I would say to them about it and didn't know what would happen when I eventually needed to return home. I realized in that moment how completely alone I was. There was no one in the world I could talk to about what happened. There was no one to turn to for help. My dad made that clear, and I walked back to the house completely hopeless and defeated. The guy is an awful, selfish jerk, and I feel no obligation to have any contact with him.

My BPDm has been harder to deal with. She was always the kind lady who meant well and life was just really mean to her, which resulted in her being hurt, and it was my job to help and reassure her. I've finally rejected that role completely, but she's really "hurt" about that, and I continue to struggle internally with it. I'm angry, sad, hurt that she's never been there for me and have a pressing desire to explain things to her because maybe she'd understand this time. Unfortunately, I think the only answer is more distance between us and my PD brother too, but I want so desperately to have just one family member I can get along with.

I'm really sorry that you went through some truly awful childhood experiences. It's not okay and not fair. And now in order to heal, you have to bring it all back up to the surface and process it in a way you couldn't when you were a child. That's not fair either. The good news is that there's a healthier place on the other side of this, and you will be able to choose how to live rather than experiencing life from a place of internal injury. This forum is a great space to help. I recommend finding a therapist who specializes in narcissistic family dynamics, personality disorders or complex PTSD. A therapist who gets what you've been through will be worth more than 100 well meaning therapists who don't.

[Maxtrem]

Thank you for your messages of hope! @Whitesheep45 as far as anger is concerned, I too have never been able to express it, it would have been punished with disproportionate rage, so I had to intellectualize it rather than live it. I'm glad to know that one day it might resurface, but it scares me at the same time . And it's true that my childhoud memories resurface drop by drop, @WinterStar when reading your post I remembered that I experienced something similar
quote:
and with a terrifying quiet rage explained to me that if I didn't like our family, I could find somewhere else to live and pointed at the other houses before leaving me there alone.

And I too went back home never daring to say anything to anyone and I still had a suicidal thought (I was 8 years old). Yet now as an adult, I have no suicidal idea, even though my childhood flashbacks refer to it. What's terrifying is that our parents knew we wouldn't go to anyone for help, but we should have! The humiliation they would have gone through

I've had other flashbacks too, always when I'm working it's strange. One where it's at night and I cry thinking I would like to live with one of my aunt (I was 8 years old); another where as punishment my uMPDM took a guppy fish from the aquarium, put it in a glass and told me to drink it, I remember refusing it, she gave it to a child she was babysitting, he was younger (3 years old) and he drank it and I remember thinking about it for weeks and crying about it at night (I was 6 years old). 

And you're right, I need to find a psychologist who specializes in PD family dynamics. Honestly, I really wish I hadn't remembered.

[Whitesheep45]

Maxtrem I understand... My experience was once I started working with a specialist I started to feel safer and with her knowledge and great experience she helped me to learn tools to feel contained before any trauma work.. Each bit of work has given me a bit more freedom. I'm 4 yrs on now (and also did some years when younger but was still drinking and drugging) and I feel the most free I've ever felt.. With each bit of release and healing Ive gotten me back a me I never knew... I actually am starting to like myself...
You'll be OK just trust dear

[Maxtrem]

@Whitesheep45 I'm glad to see you're doing well and that there's hope I had another flashback today, but this one I strangely liked. I was 8 years old, this memory included my uBPDM and her two brothers (one Narc, the other alcoholic and drug addict), they had said or done something that disgusted me, but I can't remember what. Afterwards I felt a great sense of contempt towards them and I had made a list of all their despicable behaviours and I had sworn to myself that I would never repeat those behaviours towards anyone. I also told myself that I would do better than them in life to show them that they were wrong, but then I told myself that it would be too easy and that I would have to do extremely better than them. I think it's pretty surprising for an 8 year old to do this and I also think it's strange how much I remember how old I was! I've noticed that since this winter, this same contempt for them has resurfaced. I'm glad this forum exists, because I don't even dare to tell my girlfriend about it (I don't know why).     

[Whitesheep45]

Hi maxtrem
I relate..
It's amazing how we develop adult skills in little bodies. Mine came more when I was a teen.
Yes to list the behaviours and then swear you'll never be like that shows real emotional intelligence.
I remember thinking when I was about 15 yrs thinking I've going to keep going and going in my life until I 'get there'. I am here now this had recently been coming to me 'I am here now' more integrated than ever not having flashbacks or ptsd symptoms and starting to feel whole.
I don't have a partner, career or big external things but I have an inner peace that is priceless.
Yes, it is amazing remembering the ages isn't it.. So in our dna, we are here yet we can so easily be there. I'm so grateful trauma help exists..
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'I've noticed that since this winter, this same contempt for them has resurfaced. I'm glad this forum exists, because I don't even dare to tell my girlfriend about it (I don't know why).     

I can understand this..
it is common for trauma survivors to feel guilt, shame and almost a betrayel to the perpetrator for feeling bad. That was certainly the case for me  and still continues at times to be my experience...
Shame is such a big one..
I can feel bad for breathing... Its getting better
My anger was so red at one point I was scared...
My psychologist helped me to see I've always had good control. Over it... Never hurt anyone...
Contempt is a absolutely normal reaction to bpdm in my experience!
For me now its lessening and I also feel sad for her that she is on her way to 70 and still florid in the symptoms...

[Hopelessly stuck]

I too was Mentally, emotionally, abused by my uNPD MOM, with some Physical abuse thrown in. I also thought it could have been worse especially when I read or saw someone abused worse than I was. I too felt like She struggled so much as a single parent in the '60s, and did the very best she could to raise 5 kids in poverty level.   I honestly believed her story until the last year. I had slowly studied every person in My family going over the 100 personality traits over and over again until I understood what effects and how each person in My life was affecting me. That lead to the realization the My mom was a Covert Narcissist. (IMHO) I was absolutely blinded by the way Covert N's can hide their problems for generations.

The hardest thing to process is when I discovered How MUCH they REWRITE HISTORY. My inner child Pammy Sue and MY adult child were on different planes as far as what actually happened. When Pammy sue finally FELT SAFE to bring up the memories She had, the adult in me had to reckon with them. So many of My questions were answered by Pammy Sue that My adult had hidden somewhere deep in my brain. When she started talking and Pam ( my adult persona) started to process what was really going on and HOW I was really abused. When I hadn't worked with Pammy Sue, I gave My Mom so much credit for what a HERO she was for what she did for me as a child. I realize how many of her problems were blamed on me. My mind was pretty messed up. I was taking the blame for adult things that I never did and carrying that guilt.

No wonder I had life long problems both emotionally and mentally. Pammy Sue is hiding the facts at what really happened and the Adult in ME is claiming her MOM IS A HERO.  When You have been taught for your whole life that the truth told to you was lies, you lose your center. The healing is when Your mind becomes congruent  (NOT dissociating ) with what You thought happened and what really happened. Once You start to work with the INNER CHILD a flood of emotion feelings and TRUE stories come to mind. Then one By one, as memories come/came, I realized how despicable my childhood really was. If You are able to process the memories slowly one or a few at a time, in the end, You WILL know more about yourself and how the family dynamics during Your childhood really were.

If the TRAUMA starts revealing abuse too quickly, then You need to see a Trauma Counselor. What I am saying is, this process may potentially knock the socks off of you. Sometimes it takes a little while for the total memory to come out. As you continue to think about a scenario in Your childhood and believe more of your memories, more memories will come out. Your inner child feels safe enough to reveal the complete story AND the emotional hurts and pains she put up with. This process is NOT EASY OR PAINLESS. All of Us on this Forum have realized doing this work heals us and makes US come out better on the other side. When I first became aware of Narcissists and how they work, I started to analysis, my sister. I went through a 2-year depression.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have sought professional help. My counselor helps the ADULT in me to understand better the child in me. It helps me to be whole again. every Memory that I work on makes me mentally and emotionally more stable. Physically I am shedding many of the diseases that have taken hold of my body due to mentally trying to IGNORE the true facts.
My body has healed in Many ways.

• I had a heart attack in 2016, When they did medical tests on me MY heart is as good as new. I am down to one pill daily for my heart.
• I had severe arthritis and that is in remission. I only have stiffness in the morning.  I have My medications down to 2 aspirin daily for the stiffness.
• I was/am diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disease, that Now looks a lot like Seasonal Affective Disorder. Mentally I am no longer having to take daily medications. I have not been on that roller coaster ride for quite a while now.  I am only taking a mood stabilizer and Adderal for attention deficit disorder. No sleeping pills, No anxiety pills, and no anti-depressants now except during the winter when I get depressed. (SAD)
• Now, I am battling Cancer that is probably from stress-related problems in My life. 
• I am much happier now, I am still working on things mentally, but I finally feel like a HUMAN. My personality and humor have come back. I feel like I have things to share and that my opinion may be expressed and count.

The road to healing is worth every bit of pain and struggles you have to go through. I am 66 now and I wished that I had found Out of the FOG sooner to understand Myself better. It is sad to go through life crippled because of the childhood you had. I think My life would have been better IF I could have worked on this sooner. I KNOW physically I would be much healthier. I know that SOME OF MY BAD CHOICES in relationships would have NEVER HAPPENED If I had realized I needed healing and trauma Counseling to become whole. I know it is hard to work out these things. They really do make You crazy ACTING. Studying the top 100 behaviors of Personality Disordered people https://outofthefog.website/traits  has not only helped me understand myself better but has helped me understand the games people play. NOW, I can counter the games these sorts of people play and know how to do it properly without drama and emotional pain. This also helps me make wise decisions on "new People I meet" so I am able to keep away from the Personality disorders that are attracted to me like bugs to a light. 

I do want You to know this is a great group here and they LOVE to help others who are just starting their journey to also seek healing. You are doing good. Don't doubt Yourself. As you understand and work through these thoughts and memories You will be willing to share them more with Your significant other. It is hard to share feelings that You are NOT familiar with and don't know how to resolve. When You feel more confident in YOUR ability to heal Yourself and understand your feeling it will be easier to share. 

[Maxtrem]

@Whitesheep45, thank you, you made me realize that it's out of shame that I didn't dare to talk about it with my girlfriend and it's probably out of shame that I didn't tell the truth to my teacher who thought I wasn't well. Thank you for making me think, now I have to find out what exactly it is I'm ashamed of?

@Hopelessly stuck
Quote: Then one By one, as memories come/came, I realized how despicable my childhood really was.
I feel the same way, I thought for a long time that my M would have deserved a 6/10 for her parenthood, but now she clearly doesn't deserve the passing grade! My uBPDM also holds lies by continually claiming all that she did for me and how I was a happy child and how she was a good mother and that if she very rarely lost her patience it was because of the stress that others put on her. My M also lied so much about how problematic I was at school. My girlfriend did some cleaning in a storage room and found some old newsletters from elementary school (I didn't even know I brought this with me when I moved). I was amazed, I had really good grades, A's everywhere! I am really sorry for all the health problems you have, I wish you the best of recovery!

This weekend, while watching TV, there was a topic on parents giving their children pocket money to make them responsible for the value of money. It was a trigger: I remembered that my mother gave me $2/week as a allowance when I was 7 years old. Of course, it was to legitimize my role as a servant and at the slightest micro deviation from my part I was taken away that 2$ (one way to manipulate me like any other). Once, she told me: you're not good at school, you're not good at sports, you're not social, what are you good at? I answered that I was helpful, that every time she called me for a task I would drop everything and help her as much as I could. The next morning (I guess she had thought about it during the night) she told me: you're not even good at that, I pay you to do that, in fact you're good for nothing, you don't have any quality, you haven't even managed to find any. Everything I was reproached for in terms of my being, it was now reproached for what I did (my actions). I thought it was so cruel.

Thank you for your messages of hope, that's very kind!

[Konoha]

Thank you for sharing this with us. It is very important to speak with someone, you know like this we pass over hard moments easier.