What to do with pictures and stuff....

[freedom77]

As I make plans to move away, I realize I really need to pare down my possessions, in other words, get rid of stuff.

What do I do with the Christmas ornaments and other memorabilia given to DD by BPD/N mother?

Some of the ornaments are really nice, high quality, but on the backsides of them, she made sure to write it was from her, sometimes with a fake, sappy message. There's other trinkets too from her that I just don't know what I should do with. Some are cheap dollar store fare that can go right in the donation box, but others are nicer.

I also have a ton of pictures with her in them, already in albums, but many are loose as well in boxes.

I realize she was a part of our lives, mine and DDs, for a long time and had a relationship with DD, but I'm just really unsettled by the reminders. I also want DD to move on, and not be dragged down by reminders.

Of late, DD has been expressing to me just how mean and critical BPD/N mother was to her behind my back, and the awful smearing and trash talking she did about me to her. DD was not allowed to have an independent opinion of her own without mother tearing it down. She did the same to me, but only recently started doing it to DD. She also started getting more physical toward DD before we went NC.

[freedom77]

I also don't want reminders or to be dragged down either. This is a woman who horribly abused me, who I forgave over and over again...but since going NC the degree of trauma to me is becoming evident.

[Starboard Song]

We put all those pictures away but do not destroy them. I don't think burn parties make us happier. As we still are making photoalbums from the years before the NC break (we are way behind on albums) we continue to include them in those: we are not the Soviets and aren't going to disappear them. It troubles me a little, but my wife correctly notes that we should celebrate good times, not hide them.

My DS has few pictures in his room and we've allowed him to keep those: our goal is to allow him to maintain his love and nostalgia for these folks, despite their absence from his life.

[Maxtrem]

It's just my opinion, but I don't think getting rid of your mother's ornaments is a statement in your NC approach. They're just material and maybe DD likes them and wants to keep them anyway. Maybe for DD they are good memories. For the pictures, you can store them ad vitam aeternam. One of my cousins decided to keep some gifts as a souvenir of her father, despite being a rotten narc and one of the worst unpleasant loser, she said that despite everything there were some nice moments with him and she's right. She was NC with him for several years until his death. I like to take her as an example, since she is the only person in my family who seems to be truly happy and has moved past her past of abuse.   

Sometimes I analyze my actions a little too much and my psychologist reminds me that sometimes it has nothing to do with my healing process, that every society has its own habits and customs; keeping photos and gifts for example could be one. 

[freedom77]

Thank you guys for the thoughtful responses...I guess I will keep them. The pics I'll keep boxed up, and the ornaments are more for DD than anyone else. Mother did as many narcs do...she picked out ornaments that spoke to DD's interests, but...mother was sure to always point out how it was her who found the perfect ornament, and her who thought to buy it first...and well you know how that song goes...it became more about how great of an ornament picker she is, than who and what the ornament itself was supposed to be for.

[FromTheSwamp]

A few years ago I did a big declutter and I got rid of most of what my parents gave me.  Those things all had an unhappy association and in making choices of what I wanted to keep, it was clear that they didn't make the cut.  Many of them made me quite a bit happier not to look at any more.  Honestly I haven't regretted any of them.  As far as family pictures, I didn't have that many, so I kept most of them.  I did cull tons of college photos because there were so many and I didn't even remember who some of them were. 

My tendency has always been to hold on to things.  My parents both are of the mindset that our possessions play a big part in defining us.   I feel lighter without all the extra stuff, personally.

Maybe ask your daughter how she feels about the ornaments?  They may be important to her or they may not.  A Christmas decoration with an unpleasant association isn't one I'd want to display, myself, but they might not hold those for her.

[freedom77]

Thank you FromTheSwamp, yeah I think she'll want to keep a couple of them.
I am ready for a big de-clutter my own self.
I'm so tired of being weighed down with junk.

[DaisyGirl77]

When I left Dad's uNPD/BPD mother's  place nearly 7 years ago, I went through a phase where I changed out all of my clothes & furniture to things she'd never seen because just knowing she'd seen something of mine made it tainted & I wanted no part of her after everything she'd done.  (Story in signature.)  After I moved to my own place (I had to stay in my uNM's house for a couple years) I found a couple items of hers that I'd forgotten I'd had stored in my lockbox.  She'd given them to me when I was pretty young, maybe 10 or so.  Just handling them gave me the heebie jeebies--I had full body goosebumps & an overwhelming sense of revulsion.  (Just thinking about them just now made me shudder, lol.)  So this is what I did:  I had to clean my cats' litter box that day, so on impulse, I threw those in the bag, tied it up, & broke up a couple of the urine clumps to get them good & gross.  & then I trashed the bag.

For valuable stuff, I went to a place that'd give me cash for the value of the metal/gemstone.  The guy thought the quote was insulting & originally wasn't going to tell me until I told him I wasn't going to bring it back home with me.  I had $50 extra in my pocket when I left.

[Konoha]

You can donate everything. If you don't need them it doesn't mean that someone will not need them too. You can pack them and bring them to school or to an orphanage. Kids will be very happy.