Finally Something unNPD Ray Couldn't Argue With...

WomanInterrupted · April 23, 2020, 03:52:15 PM

I was feeding the cats when my phone rang. I thought it was SPAM and figured I'd delete it later - but then it rang again and I was thinking that was weird, and maybe something had happened to Ray.

Of COURSE not, I thought.

Ray is too stupid to die! Two and two is twenty two, and dammit, you are NOT going to convince him otherwise!

It's a wonder he got as far in life as he did - but he did, probably because people got sick of trying to argue with him.

This is about as "political" as I'm going to get: when the guy who is currently in charge got elected, I was triggered AF and moaning, "Oh my God! People! What have you done!? You just elected RAY!"

I haven't stopped thinking it - every time he's on TV and opening his mouth, I see even more similarities, and it scares the hell out of me!

So...one message is from the nursing home, the other from DH. They aren't supposed to call DH, so I called him to apologize and ask WHAT was wrong now.

Nothing - he died.

REALLY!?

I called the nursing home and "Renee" told me he had pinkeye in both eyes yesterday, and was having a bit of trouble breathing - but he's got Congestive Heart Failure, among other things.

HOWEVER, pinkeye may be a sign of Covid, so when his breathing didn't improve today, they gave him some meds, did a chest x-ray and tested him. When they came back into the room, he'd thrown up what looked like coffee grounds and was dead.

When Ray went into the nursing home, I dismantled the grandiose plans for his send-off, which was something reserved for royalty.

Instead, I wanted him to go from the home to the embalming table to the mausoleum with no fuss at all - and no services.

"Don" - the owner of the mortuary - kept trying to convince me to have a small service (I guess we're not getting slammed with Covid deaths and can afford the time/space to have wakes and funerals!?!?

) until I told him I just finished cancer treatment on the 28th of February AND I really didn't want any angry old men showing up, looking for Ray's alleged millions with renewed interest!

NO problem says Don - and here's hoping I can do an electronic signature or signature by fax.

I mean, they're a mile away and I really don't feel like putting on pants, you know?

Once the Covid test comes back, they can lay Ray to rest in the manner I chose and run his brief obit in the local paper. Then it's a matter of getting death certificates to the right people - and collecting my small windfall, which I'm earmarking for our creature comforts.

I already received the bulk as a nest egg - these are just the "loose ends" - Ray's checking account balance, his Covid relief check, and a life insurance policy that couldn't be cashed in, but Medicaid is aware of. The total of the "loose ends" is about $4K - nothing to sneeze at and very welcome, but not the bajillions everybody in Ray's FOO is convinced I'm hiding!

I may have to fend off a final round of angry old men, wanting to know where their money is, and frankly, I'm kind of looking forward to laughing like a hyena at the selfish demands.

They'll be told nothing about Ray's death other than he died of old age - I don't want any of them getting the bright idea to sue somebody, which they *will* if they think there's money to be had.

If Ray died of Covid - well, Ray was 91 and would have been 92 in August. He had so many things wrong with him that I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did, and I was starting to wonder if Ray was going to outlast all of us - even Keith Richards!

Turns out you can't reason with a virus. You can't bargain with it or shout at it, or keep making unreasonable demands until it throws its hands in the air and walks away. You can't get your way by pretending you can't hear it or understand it, or threatening it with disinheritance.

Ray isn't missed or mourned. I walk away knowing I did everything I could - and it seems like the Universe might agree in blessing us with a bit more financial enrichment - AND they've been playing an awful lot of Foo Fighters on the radio today, so I know everything is going to be juuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine.

NumbLotus · April 23, 2020, 04:08:25 PM

You've finished that epically long chapter. Congratulations.

Andeza · April 23, 2020, 04:17:59 PM

Wow, for a while there I was wondering if Ray was going to outlive all of us.

I guess he was enjoying his vacation from Didi and wasn't looking forward to the reunion.

Well, congratulations on completing your cancer treatment, hope you are feeling fine and enjoying your favorite foods once more WI! Take care of yourself and those wonderful cats.

SunnyMeadow · April 23, 2020, 06:16:39 PM

Well, I was not expecting this bit of news. I thought Ray would outlive us all as well.

Here's to your small windfall earmarked for your creature comforts WI!

Amadahy · April 23, 2020, 07:40:53 PM

Wow, WI. I'm glad this is over. Continued good wishes on your healing. Enjoy the peace and quiet. ❤️

p123 · April 24, 2020, 05:57:20 AM

Sorry for your loss WI ;-)

Now please dont go leaving the forum now its all over

DaisyGirl77 · April 24, 2020, 08:35:44 AM

Congratulations on Ray's death, WI! (Now THERE'S a sentence I never thought I'd write!)

I hope you'll get yourself an ice cream cake to celebrate the fact he's gone & it's one less monkey on your back.

looloo · April 24, 2020, 10:32:06 AM

Wow! It happened!! This year is packed full of surprises for you isn't it?

Here's to the next chapter!! May it be a long, healthy, and happy one for you!!!

Psuedonym · April 24, 2020, 10:55:19 AM

Holy shit, WomanInterrupted! I got to the part where it said he died and was thinking 'okay, where's the punchline' and I kept reading and waiting for it, because even though I never met him I too was convinced that Ray would never die (as I think about Negatron). But once I realized that it was not in fact a trap my first thought was how happy and relieved I am for you. (As someone else said, it's a weird thought, but we unfortunately have some weird, weird families).

I came on the site because today of all days, I got an email from Negatron. (I was completely blindsided by it because she's never sent an email in her life, but some 'nice young person' at her facility showed her how to send one'. Of course the email was just that she was thinking about me and wondering how me and H and the pets were going and hoped she heard from me soon.....

It was sending me on a bit of a spiral thinking, of course she's going to outlive me, this will never end, she's going to keep harrassing me and trying to make me miserable forever and ever. And then I read your post and and it gave me hope and feel strangely optimistic. Isn't that a weird thing to be optimistic about?

But, as a wise person once said, when you have a PD parent, the only thing that's going to change the situation is their demise. I'm so happy that you outlived Ray, and I hope his departure gives you great peace.

Boat Babe · April 24, 2020, 05:00:55 PM

When my friend's mother died her family had the best Christmas ever. Not because they were happy she was gone but because she wasn't there to poison the proceedings with her PD toxicity. They all breathed a sigh of relief and had a lovely time together. She would have hated that!

It just goes to show how a PD parent can be so vile that their adult children don't mourn their passing. I'm not sure how I will feel when my mother died. She's not as bad as some people's parents here (victim/waif that she is) which is why I am still visiting her and supporting her emotionally through the lockdown, but I can't see myself mourning her when she goes.

I'm sorry that you had to put up with his shit for so long, and also very proud of you for how you have dealt with it and grateful for your with and wisdom on this forum. I wish you all the very best in your continued recovery from your illness and send you lots of love to get you through the funeral and the mopping up logistics. xxx

Thru the Rain · April 24, 2020, 05:43:52 PM

WI - You've been through so much and you deserved so much better from your parents.

Your chapter with Ray is over and you made it safely to the other side.

Be kind to yourself, and definitely enjoy your upcoming creature comforts!

Adrianna · April 25, 2020, 08:04:56 AM

I'm not sure what to say! Seemed like Ray would outlive everyone. I wish you peace! I wish peace for Ray too. Maybe now he can finally find it, or I would hope so anyway.

My grandmother is 98! I'm in a similar situation as you were, taking care of her affairs while she's in the nursing home but staying away for my own well-being. I'm not interested in being abused. She won't find peace on this planet so maybe for her too one day when she leaves this earth she will find it, finally.

Seven · April 25, 2020, 01:34:47 PM

I don't know how to feel. Happy for you? Sad for you? Are we ever going to see WI again?

I'm emoting too many feelings that shouldn't even belong to me. That's sooo weird. I guess that's what empathy does.

Fiasco · April 25, 2020, 10:58:20 PM

I'm sorry you never really had a dad. Peace, friend.

WomanInterrupted · April 26, 2020, 12:01:52 AM

Thanks!

I thought it had to be a joke, but I spent a goodish amount of time arguing with the funeral director on Friday - NO service. NO funeral. Nada. Zip. ZERO!

He *finally* told me why he had to keep asking - once it's done, it's done and can't be undone. I can't ring them up and say, "Oh crap! I changed my mind! Can you get Ray's casket out of the mausoleum so I can have a service?"

When you make minor changes to the directives of another, that's one thing, but my changes were drastic and I understand they have to cover their own hineys. I'll be asked again on Monday if I'm sure (that's when they're interring Ray) and I'll confirm, because I *understand* now and he's not doing it to be annoying or as a way to FOG me into something I don't want.

I also called about Ray's remaining life insurance policy ("Saul" the eldercare attorney had all the information in a tickler file, for me to use when the time came) and they're sending paperwork. All I have to do is send death certificates to them and the railroad, to stop his pension - and that's pretty much it. Everything else has been taken care of.

The notice won't go in the paper until next Sunday and that makes me happy - I have breathing room before any calls start, demanding to know this, that or the other - IF they even start.

I'm not worried about it, but I feel like preparing a little musical number: Bohemian Rhapsody, the part where the band is singing, "No no no no no no NO! (Oh mamma mia, mamma mia!)" - instead of speaking to any um..."grieving relatives"...interested in being nosy, I can let Freddie do the talking.

I'm fairly certain the funeral director said Ray died of Covid - at least, that was what I took out of the conversation on Friday. I could be wrong, and I won't know until I see the death certificate, but it really doesn't matter - I have no plans to sue anybody, and I've given explicit instructions to the nursing home and the funeral director that anybody who asks anything needs to be referred to me - and I can refer them to Mr. Mercury.

When this whole thing started, Ray's nursing home was one of the first ones hit with Covid. It wasn't long after that when I started getting letters - no visitors, we've got this under control, everything is fine.

Today I got another one, dated the day before Ray died and it's basically Officer Barbrady from South Park - nothing to see here people! Move along!

Allll right then!

My mood is relieved - I really didn't realize how tense I was, with Ray alive and well and in the memory care unit.

He couldn't get to me. He couldn't call. They wouldn't call for him. The only calls I'd get were if he acted out or fell, and then I'd be annoyed, wondering how much longer this was going to go on.

The only thing I really had to do was have Ray's taxes done every year, and again, not stressful - just annoying to spend $90 because his pension was over a certain amount.

This year's are done. I just have to worry about next year's - which really aren't a worry. They're now a period at the end of the final sentence in Ray's story. I can close the book, wait for the insurance check, and gradually shred all his paperwork away, as time marches on.

I really hope Ray can find peace, but like Didi, I don't think he ever will. Neither of them could ever find any joy in life, or even amusement - what happened tonight would have gone right over their heads and been cause of MUCH high drama and screaming: a little mouse got it.

Out of ALL the houses, it had to pick the one with 7 cats, right?

There was no yelling, but lot of chuckling and feline coaching - we GRAB the mouse. We don't let it run off!

River, Desmond and Braddles really didn't seem to want to get beyond that point and Rory?

Oh Rory, you don't run *from* the mouse.

But he did.

DH and I joined the hunt (otherwise, the mouse would probably would have picked his own bed and feeding schedule by now!

) and thanks to Brad's help, it got cornered in the bathroom where DH...well, you know. (Because Brad hadn't a clue what to do! Seriously! They are CATS!)

Once the furniture was put back, we rewarded our brave little hunters - including Rory - with cheese, and thanked them for their prowess.

It was silly, unexpected, may have brought us all a little closer - and was just one of those many moments Ray would never understand.

It must have looked utterly ridiculous: two humans and three cats, hot on the trail of a mouse that probably weighed all of an ounce.

I never had a dad - or a mom - or a FOO - and now that era of my life is truly over. I can cast it aside and be free, without any fear of reprisal.

doglady · April 26, 2020, 05:10:57 AM

Wow, WI, it's the end of an era!
Keep on rocking in the free world!

bloomie · April 26, 2020, 07:45:33 AM

WI - thinking of you and thankful you are in such a good place and able to let go of that underlying tension waiting for the next thing.

SunnyMeadow · April 26, 2020, 08:10:08 AM

I'm so very happy for you!

The mouse event sounds pretty fun! And really, little mouse....going into a house of cats?

I am feeling your relief at the end of this chapter. I simply can't wait to join you in this "grown children of expired uNPD parents" group.

You are finally Freeeee!!

Andeza · April 26, 2020, 09:45:05 AM

Haha! I love Freddie. "Another one bites the dust" did pop into my mind the other day when you first posted, but I wasn't sure how appropriate it would be.

Of our four cats, only Max actually catches and kills mice. Which is ironic as he came to us fat, happy, and declawed. He's a bit of a jerk, so being a good mouser is a redeeming quality.

I'm taking notes about what to expect whenever my UbpdM ends up in care or dead. I've gone NC with her for my sanity, but I know I haven't heard the end of it yet.

Glad you've got everything sorted, and I hope you'll still hang out on the forum. Your insight and humor have helped many here. Including me.

moglow · April 27, 2020, 09:46:50 AM

QuoteI never had a dad - or a mom - or a FOO - and now that era of my life is truly over. I can cast it aside and be free, without any fear of reprisal.

Wishing you peace and thankful you've found freedom.

Mo