"I am Nobody's Scapegoat"

[LoverofPeace]

Hello All,

After months of mostly bliss for me as far as the FOO, and a very occasional phone call to my Nmom and grandmom, here came the drama yesterday.

Firstly, I called both; the Ngrandmom earlier in the week, and the Nmom yesterday. After a somewhat sigh of relief-can't say a total one, because I was going over the conversations in my mind and had to make a mental note to stop being so social with them; i.e., talked too long and was too detailed about what was going on with me as far as my work and school. Other than that, was glad to go back to 'grey rock'.

Guess I thought that too soon, because when I got home from doing my COVID-proof grocery shopping (wearing the mask, covering my shopping cart with plastic, Lysol spraying, sanitizing, spraying/wiping up my counter and carefully putting things away), I noticed a phone call from the Nmom.

"Man!" I automatically frowned. "She always does this right after calling her, as if it encourages her!" I remember thinking. This is my reflex after such calls/her calling right back.

This time though, it was about the Ngrandmom taking a fall in her house. Just to describe it, her home has 3 levels and two staircases equipped with motorized chairs on the railings. So it has kept her more stable. The problem is, she has gotten up there; 95 years-old, going on 96 this coming May 30th. However, she has insisted on staying there; even if she now lives alone (my wonderful grandfather passed some years ago, was definitely everyone's rock ; boy, do I miss him!).

I always knew this could happen; tried to say and participate in planning ahead with both some years ago; all I ever got was "Anything could happen; why plan ahead?" and "Just going along with the times". And then they both ended up putting my malignant/golden child reckless sister on as the power of their attorney. So, after shout outs (mind you, I was still in the fog those days and thought that was my duty; to PROVE I cared) I left the subject alone. (secretly and gladly; I mean, who in the hell actually NEEDS this?).

Fast-forward to now, and my Nmom frantically left a message to call her back; the Ngrand has fallen. I call, and she goes into a tirade how she is going over there and she doesn't want to go into the hospital with the current situation, and I need to do something. It was hard to get out, because it is indeed a bad situation even in the hospitals, but I say she has to go and I would have to call 911 for an ambulance. "NOOO! She says she doesn't want to go there! She says she is hurt and doesn't know if she broke something! And I will go to her house even if you don't!"


I told her I am not just running over there (was late at night, for one) the car was in bad shape (it runs, but it's very old and has a missing sideview mirror I can't fix yet because of COVID and school), I tried years ago to plan ahead in case something like this would happen, and they didn't care to work with me (Her: "You can't plan something like this!" Me: "Then, why was I able to see this coming one day?"), and to stop yelling at me and I got off the phone, a bit worried-but not as foggy as I used to be, thanks to all of the meditation I've been doing.

Promptly, called the Ngrandmom's house; her longtime and close neighbor's daughter answered and was very calm and so pleasant. She nicely explained how she grew up with my Ngrandmom, what happened with her falling, and they were getting her ready to take her to the hospital. In addition, the Ngrandmom's niece was there-who is a retired nurse. To explain; the Ngrandmom is actually a step-grandmother-but everyone family and friends, considers her family. She has been like a grandmother since I was born; probably before-helped my blood grandfather (this is his 2nd wife) raise my father and his brother from teenagers. And the nice lady who lives directly across the street; she is tight with her mother-bless both their hearts, as they've looked out for each other for years-but somehow, I never got to know them at all. But I once asked my Ngrandmom to give her my phone number where she can call me if she needed. Think she did it? No. The lady even has her spare keys and I don't; even though I have a car where I have run over there during past emergencies; never asked her for anything, made sure to be there for holidays and stuff; only gave presents and stuff, worked on surprising them during some birthdays and holidays, did not ask for one dime except when we had to split food money for some holidays (the sisters didn't come nor pitch in anything for many special occasions); so no reason not to trust me.

But I called my Nmother back and lit into her that she was about to have me run over there and she knew the others were there taking care of it. That I told her about my current situation with having worked for the public (exposure to this COVID-who knows?), I am currently having to worry about the roof over my head because of keeping my new job, and heavy school work and deadlines; she has looked to put me at risk in the past once too many. Also, the malignant sis; that's a whole other story. Basically, my mother said she was moving here from last summer; might have, as I don't talk to her and saw signs of it. But was never told she moved back to her other town she was in. All these months, thinking she lived here and it being a bit stressful because she can be violent and my mother knows this! Anyway, I told Nmom on top of everything, she is the power of attorney, so she will apparently be here soon. Bottom line, I'm nobody's scapegoat! Of course, she protested. Told her later for her, and goodbye.

Went back to work online (didn't tell the job anything; tired of it all and not planning to leave this time) and got an update from the niece earlier in the afternoon instead of the usual first-thing-in-the-morning; turns out she is resting in the hospital (well, well, how dare she be in the hospital?! Nmom will be steaming mad!!) and she is not to receive any visitors; said I wasn't surprised given the current climate. Got her phone number; back to work, will contact after work and my tests. I may have went off, but at least I learned to put my own oxygen mask on first.

Still, there goes my grey rock; again. Time to press the reset button; again. I can handle that part, but what bothers me is 1)I feel like I'm still jadeing; 2) if and when the Ngrandmom is released; and 3) here comes the malignant sister into town soon; on the 2nd anniversary of her physical attack. 

Please let me know what your thoughts are. Thanks so much.

P.S. Here's something to keep aware of; as it never ceases to amaze how they can turn something well-intentioned to make it sound like you said or did something horrible; when I said that's why planning ahead for something like this is important and they didn't want to work with me; how she balked at that. Watch out for dialogue like this; because we may learn while not going through it, but while going through it, it's trickier. If I didn't know better, I would have felt worse but I think working on myself has put a stronger internal barrier in me that 'activated' better when this happened. So the effect was better, if that makes any sense.

Definitely recommend to keep praying and meditating!

[bloomie]

Loverofpeace - what a chaotic round robin of information and preparedness you have been working through with your grandmother's fall. I can imagine how frustrating all of this must be.

I am thankful, first off that your grandmother is right where she needs to be with a level of care family members cannot offer her. Whew!

The good news about engaging the hospital is that it may hopefully trigger some planning and assessment of how appropriate it is for your grandmother to live alone and in a multi story home by a medical social worker and it will not have to be you who does one single bit of the planning for her post hospital course.

Your mother and grandmother chose your sister to be that person and now she can be the responsible person and handle all of the details and you can limit your engagement to whatever level is right for you.

Isn't it reassuring when all of the hard work we are doing and all of the strategies we have added to our toolbelt come to good use during a pretty predictable moment like this? Bravo in keeping your limits in place and for reassessing your level of contact as you go and adjusting where necessary!

How are things going today? 

[LoverofPeace]

Thank you so much, Bloomie!

Things are going okay, so far. I have God to thank who brought me to places like this forum and other related tools. I have to surrender all this to Him and still learning how to do so.

I also question why it always seems like I have gone through these extreme situations; trust me, I'm not perfect (especially learning bad habits from what I learned is a narc family I had; like being argumentive) but I certainly tried to be supportive in the past. Something I no longer want a part of, given the abusive nature of it. And my Nmother had the nerve to say how I am STILL a part of this family; as if to command me to do for the Ngrandmother. So, I'm supposed to just keep jumping at it, while they do things half-a**ed.

I know this is a long and crazy post; the fact you took time to read and respond, I can't thank you enough. I am alone here, but hate feeling like I don't matter. Which is why I said I am nobody's scapegoat. Nobody should be. I do question why I was born into this and how I got myself stuck in this current situation with them. I was thinking life would be more peaceful by now. Like my other, very wise Nsis said, "You are being naïve". Boy, do I wish I could reach out to her sometimes and say, "Sorry" and "You were right", but she smartly stepped back years ago. And I blamed her for years; was still in the fog. You think you are doing right being it's family; but this is no family for me.

Enough about me. How are you too? These few words are so powerful in saying, "I care". Especially during this time we're all going through. I will check back with you later; taking one of my tests for school.

Bless your heart. You have the right name!