I think i lost all of my friends..

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Ladymm

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I think i lost all of my friends..
« on: March 26, 2020, 12:50:59 PM »
.. and I am really not sad about it. I just feel scared and have the ol good fear of overreacting.but really i would just like to start my life so far away and have different social interacctions.

One friend ghosted me when she got the job of her dreams (i dont want to seem victim but i can almost linearly shiw that). Others i ignore because i feel used. One even made contact after one year, maybe she is bored in lockdown time. Another one also contacted me only now after months. Third one is bossy and i dont like bossy people. Its not i dont like confrontation, but she is very cynical and talks to me like I am an idiot. Another one ignores me and then tells me how she cant do without me we ll be friends forever..but many times disappears for a few weeks. I feel like she treats me as weak and her property. 0 boundaries.

I have no friends now i think. I have a good relationship with my husband. I want interactions with balance and boundaries. I am a bit scared i have this voice of my mother in my head "one should have family, one should have friends". But i really dont want to fuel my feelings of safety by collecting people who i find toxic around me.

I know i am insecure and can do projections. Also hide in my shell sometimes. So i am a bit confused.

What is your opinion on my situation? Thank you!
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Aingeal

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2020, 06:24:51 PM »
 :bighug: I think you're coming Out of the FOG.  You've gained new knowledge about personality disordered people and why we (empaths) attract them.  They say when you begin to get wise to the NPDs and their games they stop coming around, stop seeing you as an easy target for their abuse

I had friend's who usually only called me when they needed soomething.  A bossy friend who stressed me out and made me feel "less than"  and a few pop up friends here and there. 

But I noticed as I worked on my boundaries and self esteem (mainly mirror work) the new stronger me made them distance themselves.  The users couldn't use me,  Miss bossy couldn't put me down - well, not without a direct reply from me,  sometimes polite yet direct and sometimes not so nice, I must admit.  I was done.  Who needs unhealthy relationships in their life?  It's time to spread your wings and go find your tribe  :)

Think of this as cleaning out your friend closet, you have to part with the unhealthy friends to make space for the new healthy ones. 

There's nothing wrong with you.  You're simply coming Out of the FOG.

Thinking of friendships this way helped me a lot with the unhealthy ones:

If your presence can't add value to my life, your absence will make no difference.

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Ladymm

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2020, 04:22:47 AM »
Aingel, 

Thank you your answer. Today i feel a bit scared so i needed some supportive words.

I set a boundary to a friend. She wanted to call me every day during lockdown cos shes stressed, but just because all is slowed down. I said call me twice per week and otherwise send me msgs. But i dont feel supported by her many times anyway plus i dont want to talk every day. Many times i know i was the one in need, but felt ignored. Also I didnt get a reply on the msg i sent her few days ago to call me today (friday) and send me sms in the meantime if she needs.her ignoring feels like punishment. So today is this friday.  And i am confused.

I also said i can call her, but suggested for her to call me when she stops working.

Im confused. But i need a new life.
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clara

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2020, 01:19:52 PM »
I think you're going through a phase where you're sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Definitely what can happen when you start coming Out of the FOG!  You realize you collected toxic people in your life because they were attracted to your vulnerability.  There are certain people who can just do this--immediately know that they can use and abuse you.  And because we often have the tendency to accept their abuse as normal, because of our own life experiences, we let it go on for far too long until we either get totally subsumed and consumed by such relationships, or we stand up and say enough is enough.  This is toxic and I am not benefitting from any of this!  Then yes, you clean house.  And you sometimes have to be ruthless about it, because often toxic people have numerous tools in their arsenal of toxicity to work around your boundaries.  Like when your friend wanted to call you every day and you set a boundary. Well, now she's trying to get around it by ignoring you, hoping you'll come to her and relent your previous position.   

I'll echo what Aingeal says--the best way to deal with this dilemma is to take a step back and honestly evaluate what these people really mean to you, how important they really are.  Do you feel better being around them or worse?  Does interacting with them drain you or invigorate you?  When they're not around, do you really miss them?  Yes, the fallout can be disheartening, since it will feel like everyone is toxic, but it's not true.  You've just attracted toxic people, but non-toxic people are out there as well.  And you also have to ask yourself if you really want all that many friends?  Myself, I'm not a terribly social person and I'm fine with just a few friends in my life.  I learned that I don't have to be like others in order to be myself.  And I also found that when I concentrated on the non-toxic people in my life, I realized that they also mostly associated with other non-toxic people, and their friends became my friends.  Sometimes it's helpful to observe how those people manage others, how they interact in ways that keep the potential abusers at bay.  But no, you're certainly not experiencing anything unusual, and you'll get to the point where making healthy friends is much easier, because now you're going about the process with your eyes open and your boundaries firm. 

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Ladymm

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2020, 05:44:37 AM »
Clara,

Thank you for your answer!

I dont know i am afraid i am too picky or something but really around these people i feel like i am their toy. I am scared that im projecting something from the past, like distrust. Because like this friend she wants my attention now but often in the past i didnt feel like i had the same treatment. I feel people dont take the time and listen to me. But sometimes they listen. And i know also people are not perfect. Im confused. I want balanced relationships i think, whatever that means.
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Ladymm

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2020, 12:06:11 PM »
I feel like double faced now because yes in the end i send a msg to said friend. She doesnt seem to be offended. But i dont like she didnt reply to my text. But i think even if all this is happening and i am reactive i will let the chaos be and write in these forum my question because i really appreciate the answers. It is the safe haven i like to tie my ship in.

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2020, 11:56:00 AM »
Building boundaries with people who knew you when you were less aware of their toxicity, that is very challenging.

I agree with what Clara said.

It takes a while for some of us to realize that stuff.

Just remember, this person won't change. Don't expect them to change. You already see who she is. You said she wants your attention.

There are a lot of people in this world who think that their 'friends' are anyone who gives attention to them. That is a very immature definition of friendship.

Your definition of friendship is important. You don't really like it when the friendship is unbalanced.

Mature adults are picky with their friends. They know that not everyone is a fit for them. They can be hard to find because they are not interested in meeting all the less mature folks out there who can't listen. 

When you meet new people try to observe how they express their needs and how they make decisions and how they deal with stress. I do this. I am finished with giving my attention to people whose approach to life is too different from mine. Its too hard to make that a friendship. The more considerate one will just end up feeling used.

Good luck

Trees

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Adria

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2020, 02:58:35 PM »
Ladymm,

I agree with the others. You are coming Out of the FOG and see the toxicity in the friendships you have.  I have been pretty much friendless except for one good friend, for the last couple of years. I have many acquaintances that I talk with and that seems to be working out well.  You mentioned something in one of your posts, and I have lived the same experience.  With all my so called seemingly good friendships, I'm always the listener. When I needed support, they didn't have time or just plain disappeared.  I took stock of how many of them were like that, (most of them) and let them all go.  I realized they would never be there for me no matter what I did to help them out.

I've learned to be okay with it all, and have gotten to know myself better and have become my own best friend.  If someone wants to join in down the road that would be great, but if not. I've learned to be happy the way things are.  Better to be alone than to have fair weather friendships. 
My dh always says, "Don't confuse friends with people you know."  So true.

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Ladymm

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2020, 01:20:22 PM »
treesgrowslowly and Adria,

Thank you for your replies.

It is confusing. I feel so good when i imagine living somewhere else, doing something else and just somehow forgetting the life i have now. I feel fake because i say to this last friend that all is ok, when it is not. But i dont want to discuss and change the realtionship. I just feel like i want to start anew.
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treesgrowslowly

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2020, 11:44:30 AM »
Oh I've had those sentiments too.

You can't change a relationship.

What changes is you. You change, and it affects the relationship.

Its rare for 2 people to outgrow a  friendship at the exact same time. One will outgrow the other person. If the friendship used to work doesn't mean it still works for you now. Let people fade away, don't feel bad about letting things fade.

You don't owe people a long detailed explanation of what has changed for you. Do people make you feel obligated to explain your decisions? Or do they understand that you have the right to make decisions for yourself?

They could very well be committed to misunderstanding you. If they didn't listen to you carefully before they are probably not the type of person who will understand what you want to explain. I am sorry my advice on friendships is so blunt.

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Ladymm

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Re: I think i lost all of my friends..
« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2020, 12:04:39 PM »
Treesgrowslowly,

thank you for your advice.

I feel very asocial these days. Tomorrow I see a friend (who I see rarely) but somehow seem reluctant. I would just prefer being home really. I am most scared of people who invite me someplace. Or ask me favours. I have fears of enmeshement maybe, or just want to change scenery of most friendships really. What I dislike more in this time is to have pushy and invasive people.

But as you said, reasons in relationships are hard to explain. why I like some things, why I dislike them. I really would like to learn to validate myself and accept that any relationship can change its dynamics anytime. I learned to let people go, I much prefer it than to keep me in their life and try to change me. And also accept I want to give me the permission that I can make mistake, but in reality if one does what they feel there can be no mistake really. If my feelings change so can my decision.

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