Very personal but want opinions

[WillowTree2]

This happened a few years ago and it's very personal but I just want to know how others would feel in this situation.
Some information on my husband, he has narcissistic/sociopathic traits. Emotional cheating, emotional abuse, physical abuse, extreme temper, lack of empathy, never admits he is wrong or apologizes. This list goes on but that's some of the basic issues that have been breaking down our marriage.
Back to my question, this has always stuck with me and it seems like a small issue compared to the others but I just want to know why he did this, and if it's normal?
A few years ago we were really struggling and not getting along at all. My parents took our daughters for a weekend and we had some time together. I had been pressing him that I need more intimacy and that I felt alone all the time in the marriage. Surprisingly he seemed to really put effort into connecting with me this this particular weekend, and we ended up having an amazing night together. It was the first time I felt like WOW this might work after all, we really "connected". I woke up the morning after that feeling safe for the first time maybe ever with him. I was like on cloud nine. So full of hope and confidence that we had turned a corner! I don't know exactly what was so different that night but it was.
So anyway, we woke up and I was so happy and he seemed so happy too! After awhile he said he was going to jump in the shower and I went to make some breakfast for us. I came back in the room a few minutes later, and he was in his own world going to town masturbating in the shower. He has never done anything like this, ever. I felt so deflated and hurt. I said what are you doing? We have the house to ourselves and you would rather masturbate thanbe with me? He said "well I don't know I was just thinking about how great it was last night and I couldn't help it." It didn't make me feel any better and I just felt like crying. I wondered if it's just a guy thing and I was just being too sensitive. Needless to say all the confidence I had on us connecting went right out the window after that. It stuck with me so I need thoughts on why he did this? I will never understand him but I can try to put the pieces of the puzzle together about some of his actions hopefully.

[SweetTea]

IMO it is likely totally normal and no reflection on you and the value and integrity of intimacy between a couple. Many happily married men and women who have a healthy, active sex life also participate in self-pleasure, some quite frequently.

Some do it because their sex drive differs from their partners, or schedules differ. Many just enjoy going solo from time to time because it simply feels good and doing it solo means it can be quick, easy, and it's ok to be selfish (not have to worry about partner's needs.) It takes nothing away from what they enjoy with their partner and doesn't mean they don't love their partner or that they don't enjoy their sex life with their partner. To use a metaphor, a person may find complete fulfilment and be completely devoted and spiritually uplifted by singing in their church choir. Singing alone in their car because singing is fun, and feels invigorating, takes nothing away from their commitment and joy for their choir.

You say there has been emotional cheating in his past. Is it possible you have mentally categorized masturbation as cheating?

[WillowTree2]

Thank you for the reply!
Masturbation is great and healthy. I agree with that completely. He knows I do it and I know he does it and no it's not emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is being unfaithful and carrying on flirting and talking sexually to friends of his in messages. Sending messages to women asking for them to send him pictures. He does this sort of thing when he's mad at me. It hasn't been physical that I'm aware of but I wouldn't be surprised in the least.
Anyway, my post was because we were home alone with no kids and it made me feel bad that he chose to masturbate. I know he does it. But if I was right close by I felt it was hurtful that he wouldn't just want to have sex? It just is something that stuck with me, seemed odd.
I honestly felt that maybe the intimacy was too much and he needed to find a way to shut it down.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you for sharing, my personal feeling is that what he was doing tapped into whole deep pool of upset and hurt inside you. 

It brought up a huge amount of hurt from over a very long time. 

I find this with my uPD H, it is not about what he is doing in that moment, it is about what he has done for the previous ten years.

I am finding this a big release and move forward, at last I am feeling my feelings. I am seeing reality after all the insane denial and gaslighting. 

Sending virtual hugs to you.

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry. Your feelings are valid and justified.

Yes masturbation can be healthy and “normal”, however it can also be unhealthy and abusive when it’s used to withhold intimacy from the other partner.

Your gut feeling that he is looking for a way to shut down intimacy is likely right. Gut feelings are usually always correct and they help us see things we aren’t ready to fully acknowledge.

My ex would do this all the time. It confused me as I always heard “oh it’s normal and healthy”, but within our relationship it was not. There are many behaviors that are “normal and healthy” in a strong non-PD relationship that are toxic and abusive in a PD relationship.

Where there is “emotional cheating” there is usually physical cheating. Adults have sex, it’s what they do. My observation has been that if there is “only” emotional cheating then it’s because the object of the cheaters desire didn’t want to have sex with them.

After I divorced I found out my BPDxH had cheated for most of our marriage. Suddenly all the behaviors that confused me and that I couldn’t quite explain were explained, the biggest one being the lack of intimacy/lack of sexual desire for me and the masturbation and porn. As ironic as it is it is also common for cheaters not to want to cheat on their affair partners so they withhold intimacy from their spouse. This was the case in my marriage.

I’m not saying this is what is happening in your case, it’s simply my experience with the situation you describe.

[1footouttadefog]

My marriage was starved for intimacy for a long time, before So realized what was up and it was not me.  I unfortunately owned the problem  prior to that and tried more and offered more etc. Despite being 17 years younger and in shape while he was becoming increasingly out if shape I felt like I needed to up my game appearance and fitness wise etc.  It was emotionally difficult to come to terms with my own spouse rejecting me for masterbation when I was in a practically sexless marriage. 

Later when I began learning about narcissists and coming Out of the FOG, I had entirely new perspectives on it all.

A narc will use a type of emotional intimacy to love bomb.  They will play out being a super lover both physically and emotiinally all to get what they want.  They reflect true love and genuiness because itbisbself live they reflect, they are high in getting attention and being loved back.

Additionally they like  themselves.  They love making love to themselves while fantasising about how great they are and what wonderful conquests they have etc.  Their world is a false construction as is the image they portray to the world it takes time and mind play to create this false reality.

Porn plays into this quite often.  With porn or online experiences they avoid true intimacy and interpersonal relationship challenges to their selfishness. And there are no fact checks on the fantasy.

Many narcs lose interest after a while and the relationship never comes back, a year and a half seeks to be an average.  The non partner will try and try and only ever sees fleeting glimpses of the original lover when the narc wants to reel them back in. Sometimes this is just long enough to hurt the non.  This may be why he played nice then let you see him playing alone.

Because sex is all about them, they are often selfish lovers and often the non partners will complain about them being distant , quiet, detached, in another world etc.  Others find themselves being used like a sex doll while the narc plays out porn fantasies or relives experiences with his or her cheating partner.

Many nons will find the narc spends more and more time online or engaging in getting narc supply at the office , gym, or wherever they get an audience with potential partners or ego/narcissistic supply sources.  (Not always sexual).  When they are called out and when intimacy is demanded or when their  true self is brought to light, rage is common