Bpd friend.. But she is amazing

[Whitesheep45]

Hi I have a bpd friend.. We have been friends for 6 yrs...
I've had to pull back at times and she has never lashed out at me around this which is amazing..
She has done lots of work on herself, and is yet to address her sexual trauma as has been working on bpd mother stuff..
It has never felt right on a gut level to end the friendship which is amazing as I can easily end relationships which have difficulty (which ones don't!... But I can struggle when she is in lower mood, anxious, inner anger? And where to place myself in that.
Yesturday we went walking and I worked to keep my boundary and not get dragged down too much...
When it's like this I am glad to get away from her..
Any experiences on this? Knowledge, advice...

[Ilovedogs]

I think my uBPDm's friends find her a lovely person to be around. I do too when I am in the fog. What I have noticed is that deep down, in my heart, I do not like being around her however. FOG comes up admitting it. It is FOG that makes it hard to see her as she is, but when I do I find I do not enjoy her company. It is only when I am playing the role she brought me up to play that I believe I am happy, but it is part of a fiction. I do not know if you have PD parents or FOG of your own but my recommendation would be to look at this first, is any fog going on at all?

There are times when I am with my mother Out of the FOG and she is bearable just for me to be around, but I do always feel in danger of being dragged under by her pain, I feel it in my own body and its really exhausting to be around. I also feel such a huge darkness in her, this is hard to sit with. I also know that if she is devaluing or hating me for something, she can be positively dangerous, and this knowledge would make me avoid any future relationships with a pwBPD at all costs.

A friendship is different from a mother of course. When I see my mother with her friends I always think she is sort of empty, I wonder what they enjoy about being with her. Fog overcomes me then and I want to look after her and save her. Still needs much work.

[Whitesheep45]

Thanks ilovedogs for your reply..
Very helpful..
I have a ubpd m of the extreme kind.. Spent about half my life not having a relationship with her..
I faced her more recently and told her my story of what it was like for me back then and it has lifted some shame I've not been able to lift in therapy.. However the relationship went downhill rapidly over 2 mths and I've got nc..
I can relate to what u say about your m with the 'darkness and being dragged under' I do feel this with my friend especially the past Yr as she has been having a major fall apart... But I've worked hard to have clear boundaries and I don't see her that often. I'm clear with her when I need to pull out and be in my own energy and she appears to accept that.
This friend has done a lot of work on herself and I believe she will make much more progress.
In terms of fog I don't have any of that with her fear.. No... Obligation.... No... Guilt... No...
I don't rescue her as I have been guilty of and she knows I can have issues with rescuing and says she doesn't need that from me... I don't feel guilty for putting my needs first and I do.
If the friendship was too much to bear and it has been that last Yr I have an obligation to my mh and don't feel responsible for her...
We have fun often when we get together..
However this wk I was more aware that she seemed to be having all sorts of emotions running through her when we were together and I came away thinking 'did she have anger towards me inside of her. Thing with bpd is they can't hide it.. She has everything written all. Over her face.. Also she has a major issue with going into obsession around she may have said or done something wrong..
However I don't tread on eggshells and I do express emotion at times when I'm not getting her etc...
This friend is caring and thoughtful and she seems to respect and know where my boundaries are.. I don't allow her to hook onto me for dependance etc but this has taken me time to get to..
I don't feel I want to rescue her... She is a strong women who is walking her path and so am I.. We walk our paths and meet in the middle to share friendship..

[Whitesheep45]

But it's def good to think about how I feel around her more and if I am actually enjoying it as much as I say I am.
She is actually my only close friend now as I've let go of narc friends..
My prayers for the future is I can choose non pd people... That would be quite something..

[Whitesheep45]

I feel we are meant to be friends (been about 6 yrs now) and that we teach each other many things... I'm learning how to be more self serving and she is learning the same... We can talk about things in a recovery /psychological way and it's quite amazing to have that level of things when she has bpd and I cptsd...
I've healed loads this past 4 yrs I'm so grateful....

[Ilovedogs]

I really also get what you said about not wanting pd friends in the future. I have managed to get away from all the npd people I knew too and it is a huge relief. But there is still something going wrong still, I have developed a sense of npd now but other PDs are less easy for me to notice and I just worry I am still attracting them. Bpd without narcissist qualities I'm finding hard to see, I think I feel like you, there are elements to discuss with my cptsd and also aspergers which do certainly make it at least on the surface have things in common with a bpd non narcissist person. But is it really things in common, I am wondering this a bit currently. I worry there is a bit a bit of me that just wants connection, and do bpd people morph so much to be like others it only seems we have things in common? Is the yes me too real from the bpd person? I am struggling to know the answers to these.

[LifeInTheFog]

The key with your friend is that she's willing to work on herself. People like that can get better if they choose.

The scary ones are when they are still in denial and blaming others for everything.

If you feel good when you are around her then go for it! Just be self aware if you feel compelled to rescue this person. You can't fix this for them or their pain.

Waifs don't show (passive) aggression until you get super close emotionally. Sometimes it can take a few years for things to go south.