Daughter wants to visit again

[Adria]

I just wrote a post on daughter and grandchildren visiting us for days and not following a couple house rules, making their visits nearly unbearable. She just phoned this morning stating they might be coming up again next week.

A couple of questions: Is it better to write her a letter stating how we feel, or is it better to do over the phone?

And if done by phone, do I just do a one liner like, "We're not up to it, can you bring your travel trailer and park down the street? Or, a friend of mine said to say, "Your children haven't learned to follow rules."

I feel if I keep it simple, she may know why we can't keep this up. I hate to say anything about the kids because she could tell the kids they aren't welcome anymore because of their behavior.  To me, it's not the kid's fault. Its' the parents' fault for not making them  mind, and we get tired of being the heavy. We should be able to spoil and have fun with the grandchildren. It's not like I haven't said it to my daughter a number of times. Nothing changes, so I guess we need to change.

[GettingOOTF]

Adria I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It’s very frustrating.

I had a similar issue. A lot of people visit where I live and they would come stay with me. It was very stressful and disruptive. It took me years to start saying no. Now I say “my space isn’t set up for guests but I’m happy to help you find a  good AirBnB”.

I realize your issue is more complex as it deals with family but there is no easy way to start telling someone “no”. It’s like ripping off a bandaid.

I think it’s a fair assumption that you will get a negative reaction. My approach these days is to take the path that gives people the least ammunition, the least opportunity to twist what I say.

I personally would go the phone route and say what you suggested “we’re not up to it. Could you ...”.

I agree about leaving the children out of it. I have a super messy relative who would cause such chaos in my space. I don’t bring any of that up. I kept it simple.

Good luck. I hope it goes smoothly for you.

[PeanutButter]

Hi Adria.
I would tweak the one liners this way and I would use the phone also unless I thought I would likely give in her on phone then I would send a text or email
"We're not up to it, can you bring your travel trailer and park down the street?
"We just arent up to it this time. You will have to make other plans." (Because I believe she might poopoo the part about bring travel trailer and park down the street) In other words its not your responsibility to find a solution for her.
Any response should be met with a repeating this without any jade.
For this
"Your children haven't learned to follow rules."
"You have not and will not teach your children to follow the rules of my home so Im not comfortable with yall staying anymore."
PS. But I wonder if she would poopoo this too and promise to make them mind this time? I probably wouldnt say it.
PSS I follow your story so I know this is a big step and it is very hard. Stay strong knowing that you are all better served with these boundaries in place.

[Adria]

GettingOOTF,
Thank you for your thoughts on keeping it simple. After reading your post, I also think that might be the best route. As you said, it will give her the least opportunity to twist what I say, and also let her do a little reflecting, hopefully, on how it went last time.

PeanutButter,
I like what you said about it's not my responsibility to find another solution for her. Because, of course, that is exactly what I would have tried to do. I did mention her using the trailer in the past to no avail. So why bother.

And yes, if I said anything to her about the children not learning how to follow rules, she would surely say she would make them mind this time, or her standard, "I'm sorry my kids aren't as perfect as yours were." So probably just not worth it.

Sometimes, I feel really bad for the kids. Like last time, my daughter gave her two year old a marker to write with, letting the child walk around with it. Well, of course, it ended up all over my rug. Then she yelled at the child.  What in the world does she think is going to happen when you give a two year old a marker outside of sitting at a kitchen table? And on it goes.  Then daughter says, "Every time my kids come to your house, they wreck something. It's so embarrassing."   I said, "All I ask is that you keep food, drinks and markers at the kitchen table.  Twenty minutes later, the baby was walking around with a drink spilling it, saying, "Don't worry, it will dry."  Then daughter says, oh, do you want her to sit at the table with the drink too?   Duh!, Just how hard is it?

[PeanutButter]

Wow. It isnt hard. It really isn't. So IMO it must be somethimg else.
You have a right, and imo it is perfectly reasonable to expect ANYONE who comes in your house to respect you and your home and your stuff in your home.
Dont forget that "setting boundaries does not mean I dont love you"
https://youtu.be/BNJXTjK-SCo
I know you watch jerry wise and reccommend him. You probably already seen this one.
But I remind myself sometimes by rewatching whatever is relevant material to current situations.
This one is helpful to me since it has been my experience that this is exactly how my pds try to frame my boundaries as proof I dont love them any more or I never did love them in the first place.

[Adria]

Hey thanks PeanutButter,

I'm gonna watch it right now

Just watched the video. Awesome!  That's exactly what is going on. Thank you for that today. A word in due season.
Will watch it again tonight with dh.