How to reset boundaries in the middle of a pandemic

[Sneezy]

My mom (either covert NPD or waif BPD) moved to my town about a year and a half ago, into ISL, independent senior living - not assisted living, although meals, activities, bus service, etc. are provided.  It has been difficult, but I've tried to maintain medium chill and boundaries.  We settled into an arrangement where we got together twice a week for a few hours - lunch, church, errands, maybe a movie now and then.

The coronavirus has put a wrench into things, for everybody of course.  Since I can't see my mom, I agreed to call and check in on her every day.  At first, she cried and complained non-stop, but then she seemed to be doing better.  She found a group to walk with every day, and a couple ladies to have coffee with (they maintain social distancing, or at least that's what she tells me).

But now it's all gone downhill.  I don't know what happened, but mom has reverted to being a total helpless basket case.  She has been dropping heavy hints and finally just asked outright if she could move to my house.  Every phone call is a cry-fest.  And one call a day is no longer enough.  She calls and leaves cryptic message like "call me right away, it's very important," and then when I call she gets angry because I didn't call sooner, and of course there is no reason for the call other than the same old crying and carrying on.

Her latest problem is that she had a critter in the wall of her apartment (not uncommon around here and really not a big deal).  The ISL facility is moving her down the hall into a remodeled apartment in a better location (all new floors, applicances, etc., it sounds really nice).  They are handling the entire move and keeping her rent the same, even though the updated apartments usually cost more.  But this has caused her to have "a breakdown" in her words, and she claims the manager of the ISL wants to bring her over to my house to live with me.  I can't always figure out when she is lying, but I'm pretty sure that is a lie.  The last thing the manager would want is to lose a tenant during tough times.

I can't deal with her any more.  Ok, maybe I'm the one being a tad dramatic right now, but interacting with her leaves me feeling awful.  And what's worse is that my siblings tell me that she is just fine when she talks with them.  So I realize that she is ratcheting up the drama to manipulate me.  But I still feel awful.  And I have a job to do.  I can't neglect work and my other family obligations to be at her beck and call.

There is a part of me that would like to go NC for my own sanity.  But I can't.  I would not be able to live with myself in the long run if I went NC with an 80-year old woman during a pandemic.  What can I do though?  It's clear that I need to reset boundaries for now and going forward.  I know it's best to do your boundaries, rather than stating them.  But I'm wondering if I need to figure out what those boundaries are and then clearly articulate them to her.  And what do boundaries even look like now?  I guess for starters I will not allow her to dictate when we go out again.  That's up to me and when I feel comfortable going back out (which may or may not be when my state officially opens, I have the right to stay in longer if I choose).  But other than that, I don't know where to start.

[Andeza]

First, I highly recommend you make a schedule of when you are willing to call and then stick with it. You may have to block her number in between so she doesn't blow your phone up. If you want, you can state daily calls are interfering with work and you'll call her when you're able. I do not recommend giving her a schedule. At all. She won't follow it anyway. And I know you're going to think to yourself what if there's an emergency!? Well, you couldn't do anything anyway. You can't go over there, and if she can dial your number she can call for help from the ISL or 911 just fine.

Second, I encourage you to recognize that the ratcheting up of the drama that you're seeing is geared 100% for two purposes. The first I think you've already caught onto, and that's that she's trying to sneak her way into your home. The second is that she is seeking massive pd supply right now. As a pd, she is unable to cope with her own emotions, and will primarily seek to foist all of her discomfort, fear, upset, and stress onto you instead. I'd be willing to bet that after she calls you, she's back to normal like someone flipped a switch. Meanwhile, you're dealing with the emotions she has just dumped into your lap like you're some kind of emotional toilet.

I wouldn't be able to deal with that either. I have a finite amount of patience, time, and ability to deal with my own stuff in any given day. You're not being dramatic, you're actually being quite realistic. If interacting with her leaves you feeling awful, then it's true. You can't deal with her drama and nonsense right now. She's an adult, and that ISL facility is full of other adults that are, guess what?.... Handling this situation. She's capable of handling it just fine without your help (not saying go NC). You can literally just say when she starts freaking out "Hey Mom, I can tell this is a bad time. I'll call you back later." Or "Hey Mom, work is calling, talk later." If you had a four-five year old in front of you whining and crying that they wanted CANDY NOW how would you respond? Would you sit there and listen while they carried on? Or would you put them in timeout (whatever that would look like in your house, doesn't particularly matter for the analogy though) for a little while to help them understand their behavior is unacceptable and will NOT get them what they want?

Dealing with pwpds is a heck of a lot like dealing with small whiny children. They never developed normal emotional maturity, hence why they seek to dump their emotions on us instead.

Ultimately, this pandemic lockdown is temporary. Life will not continue indefinitely like this. When we come out on the other side, I advise you to have a plan in place for how often you WANT to visit her, if at all. Good luck to you, stay safe, stay healthy.

[Boat Babe]

Totally agree with the previous post.
Maybe have a few days off with a "political migraine". I have to do this with my mother sometimes. It isn't honest but it gives you some space.

Best of luck with this tricky situation.❤️

[Outsiderchild]

I would say that she has been dumped by that group of people that she was socializing with.  I bet they have figured her out and she is no longer welcome in their group.  She needs a new apartment, she needs to move in with you, she needs to run away and let someone else deal with her mess that she alone is responsible for.

I wouldn't be surprised that you get a call every time she sees someone from that group and she feels sad and left out.  You then get to be the repository for all her negative feelings.  What fun!  Then it's not her fault she has to be there and face these people, it's YOUR fault for not letting her move in with you.