NC 4 months and now pandemic

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helpneeded

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NC 4 months and now pandemic
« on: April 29, 2020, 02:36:23 AM »
No big problem here, I just want to say this. I have been NC with my npd/bpd mom since mid December, so 4 months, uneventful on that front. I thought upon NC that she would go crazy or even stalk me. That did not happen. My sisters said she wrote me an email but they convinced her not to send it. I might have liked to have read it, to let her words confirm my decision. Now, we are 6 or whatever weeks into pandemic. It occurred to me that this is when she could play a card. That she thinks she is sick, etc. Could be the end. Would be typical. I already have considered the end, and I am cool if I never see her again or attend her funeral. HOWEVER, why am I disconcerted that she hasn't tried? I guess I have not reconciled, she really never cared for me? I know that my sisters would let me know if there were any reason for me to reconsider my NC, and they have not mentioned her at all. I guess I am struggling with knowing I am unloved by my mom. Even though I do not want her at all. She always said she would go to the end of the earth for me, and I knew it wasn't true, but now I really know it.

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Maxtrem

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Re: NC 4 months and now pandemic
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2020, 10:07:06 AM »
You're very lucky your mother didn't try to contact you. It would probably be through manipulation, guilt, playing the victim when she's the abuser... The letter they told her not to send you, must have been full of that kind of crap. My uBPDM also says that she worries so much about me, that she would do anything for me, that she is always so there for me... Every time she says that, it makes me cringe. I realized it very early on, PDs are too absorbed in themselves, there is no room for anything else! I also read an article by a psychiatrist who said that the BPD want to make the image of a good parent come out at all costs. I think my BPDM really believes that she has been a good mother. 
 
On the other hand, your mother might still love you and the NC might hurt her. My Narc. Uncle, a truly terrible human being missed his daughter when she decided to go NC after he was tempted to humiliate her in front of her children. They saw each other again just once just before my uncle died. These people don't seem to understand that they are doing something wrong and that there are consequences to their actions. I learned that my uBPDM spent 1 month doing a smear campaign against me this winter. As a result, she no longer has any friends (except one who is just as troubled as she is) and she hasn't even made the connection that her friends perceived her as a toxic person who denigrates her son. She feels that her friends are just not strong enough to support her psychologically and that they have let her down unjustly (eternal victim).         


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Liz1018

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Re: NC 4 months and now pandemic
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2020, 10:15:20 AM »
Helpneeded ~

First, congratulations on 4 months NC!
You seem to be doing much better than I was at 4 mo. Pat yourself on the back. Each day, your strength will grow.

I think a lot of us have had to deal with the pandemic interrupting our thoughts/mental space in regards to our PD relatives.

I am sorry that you are having mixed feelings. It is normal and natural for you to feel rejected and for it to feel like an additional reminder of something no one wants to accept. Our rational brains know we donít want them, but the loss of parental love we never had in the first place is devastating to any child, regardless of age. That is why it takes some of us years to break ties, because, who wants to believe that?

I know it is hard to see your situation as lucky, but relish the fact that she is leaving you alone. At four months (and now 5 years), my FOO never gave up on trying to contact me. I had a complete mental breakdown, which led to NC. The hell and backlash that followed made me paranoid and scared to leave my home. I was sure they were going to show up on my doorstep. I had extra locks installed, window shades where I had none before. I had changed my phone number, blocked them from phone & email accounts, but the mail still came, though I had DH screen it and throw away unopened. It was relentless- gifts, certified mail, flying monkeys... each attempt felt like a battering ram to my emotional state. But I could not help but think I would have felt like you had they not tried at all. It makes no sense, but we feel how we feel.

It sounds like you at least have sisters on your side. That is huge. It doesnít make up for the lack of maternal love. Part of us will never get over that. I will always hate Motherís Day. But I have come to appreciate my MIL (even though she can be a pain sometimes and is totally neurotic), along with all of the women in my life, over time, who provided me with a mother figure. Therapists, teachers, colleagues, classmates and friends.

Eventually we learn to mother ourselves, and it is a wonderful thing. We make peace with the reality that we CAN fill part of that empty space with love for ourselves. These are heavy issues none of us should have to deal with. Confusion abounds as we start our new journey, and it is really scary. Faith in yourself will grow. Hang in there and stay safe. Weíre pulling for you!

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Fuzzydog

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Re: NC 4 months and now pandemic
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2020, 11:39:26 AM »
Hi, helpneeded, I very much understand the consternation about hearing nothing from your NM. I didnít, either. And while I really do appreciate not having to deal with any of that, there is also the feeling that we would like to feel that we are worth fighting for. The intellectual and the emotional clash here. After a lifetime of not measuring up, or being an embarrassment, or just wanting to be acknowledged, it is impossible to just turn that off. To feel like we have been erased without being noticed is horrible.  I am 5 years NC, have come to terms with it, but sometimes, like now, during this awful time, I still get feelings of guilt and hurt and worthlessness because my mother, my mother couldnít be bothered.

Mostly now, I am just really grateful that I donít have to deal with her.

Hang in there, itís rough, and be thankful for the Internet where you know you are not alone and we all understand.
  :bighug:

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Gromit

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Re: NC 4 months and now pandemic
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2020, 03:29:42 PM »
Aside from keeping up appearances (sending birthday and Christmas cards) I have had maybe one or two letters from my mother in 12 years of NC. I have felt abandoned at times because of it but it does seem easier to cope with than some of the attempts to restore contact which I have read about on social media.

My mother has, of course, been stalking my children on social media, we discovered that recently but no actual concrete attempts to change NC.

Perhaps try and find gratitude that you do not have to deal with your mother on top of this strange situation we are experiencing.

G

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pestopasta

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Re: NC 4 months and now pandemic
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2020, 06:06:22 PM »
Eventually we learn to mother ourselves, and it is a wonderful thing. We make peace with the reality that we CAN fill part of that empty space with love for ourselves.

 I needed to read this ^ tonight, thank you Liz1018.

Best wishes helpneeded. I can't say anything that hasn't been said better by the others, but I wanted you to know that you have my support. Take good care during this difficult time.


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freedom77

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Re: NC 4 months and now pandemic
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2020, 01:10:12 AM »
I'm also at the 4 month mark...and me and my DD are so much the better!! DD had such bad anxiety after being around BPD/N mother, now she is much calmer. We both are.

I know it feels empty realizing your pwPD isn't doing the expected stalking, follow ups, etc...but count yourself lucky, because it ain't fun, it ain't pretty.

Mother has brought the word relentless to a whole new level. The constant disgusting email and text messages tearing me and DD down, smear campaigns to anyone who will listen, threats to call police and child services with what would be false reports, calls to my job, calls to my ex boyfriends and other people I used to be acquainted with telling them crazy stories about me, telling her doctor (who she only goes to to get pills) that I'm abusing her. On and on it goes...I blocked her but I have a blocked box and spam folders where all of it goes, and it is brimming full with endless messages-mostly nasty vile rants where she is the abused victim and I'm the evil crazy unstable villian.

She has threatened to cab over to my place and bang on the door. She told the secretary at my job how I'm not speaking to her and what kind of medical professional abandons their own mother during a pandemic??  Speaking of which, if not for said pandemic, she'd have gone to ER at least several times, and have a nurse ring for me to come and pick her up (since nothing is really wrong with her).

The emails are long, rambling rants filled with insults, past mistake reminders, her regret for having had me, how useless I am, complete denial and gaslighting, blah blah blah...then they will 180 and she'll write like nothing is wrong, and she needs my help, and why haven't I been in contact. And she will ask constantly about DD, and like DD is neglected without her.

She flat out admits in her messages and emails that she stalks me, looks for me on social media, and Googles me daily. She will even make accusations and question her Google search results. For instance, if you google a name, sometimes background search companies pop up and will say the searched person's reputation is a 2 out of 5, or that they have dark secrets to uncover, or they have no living relatives and other such rubbish, an obvious ploy for you to pay for an exclusive background check. Mother was positively outraged that "Google" said I had no living relatives, for after all, just who is SHE??

I don't look in my blocked box or spam folder nearly as much as I used to...in the beginning I was terrified of her and her reaction to my going NC. I'm more calm and relaxed now. Not as afraid.

So yeah....I envy you I guess.

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Andeza

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Re: NC 4 months and now pandemic
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2020, 05:14:53 PM »
I haven't heard a peep from mine either. UbpdM has been completely silent. I'm still in contact with one of my sane aunts, so if anything happens I'll hear about it. I'm not active on social media, so haven't had to block.

It does feel weird though. I expected... Something I guess. Instead I've gotten exactly nothing. It's weird, but honestly I'm okay with it. Less drama, more healing.

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: NC 4 months and now pandemic
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2020, 08:21:19 PM »
Iím another one without any attempts to bust through my NC since the pandemic started. Iím thinking thereís much more readily available sources of drama at the moment.  ::)

I understand the strangeness of your experience. Fuzzydog said it well. My mother, my MOTHER, couldnít be bothered. Youíre right, it makes it undeniable how little we are regarded. And that hurts. It hurts even if the space is in fact what we need, because being around them hurts more. Children need their parents, and it is a huge loss in your life.

Somewhere along the way we started believing we were somehow defective. Maybe it hurt less to think that there might be some magic way to unlock the caring parent we needed. As children we couldnít face the fact that our parent was woefully inadequate in meeting our needs. It was less scary to think it was us. We somehow have to learn that our parentsí lack of caring has everything to do with them and nothing to do with who we are. The fact is our dysfunctional parents donít even know us. Never did. So no, our parents donít miss us. Not really. Even the harassing ones donít miss us.

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freedom77

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Re: NC 4 months and now pandemic
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2020, 10:05:39 PM »
I agree Call Me Cordelia....even the harassing ones don't miss. And don't really know us. My mother never really knew me...just her manufactured version of me, which she tailored to suit herself and her desired outcomes. If she needed to be the victim, I was the villain. If she needed to look good to others, she'd pretend to be the devoted mother/grandmother looking out for her wayward daughter. If she needed something out of me, she'd act like I was the good child...etc etc

But does she really know me, or care about me and DD? No, I think she doesn't. She definitely doesn't care about us because she has sabotaged and worked against me my whole life. Placing me in bad situations regularly.