No Good Memories

[No.]

Sorry this is a bit of a long ramble- I'm just processing this and struggling with the notion of attending or not attending a funeral, should the occasion arise.

People in my life tend to fall under one of the categories:

*Family who know I'm NC with Nm & her "new" family
*Family that don't know.
*Friends who do and don't know.
*Peripheral friends, none of whom know.

I've already learned best not to reveal too much to those who just don't have this experience. For friends or family that do know, I have heard "there MUST be SOME good from the relationship to salvage." The thing is, any kindness or small gesture is so utterly overshadowed by manipulation and abuse that I cannot enjoy any memory of it. Then, when I start thinking of things I might name, and for most of my life did think of them as the good things that kept me going back, I realize they were part of the manipulation oftentimes.

For instance, when I was sick from fever and had to stay home from school, Nm would take care of me and be nice. I always had fond memories of when I was sick and wished to become sick more often than I was. When I became sick, I thought, oh good, mom will be nice to me now. Looking back, this was especially in the time frame when I was still receiving PA often, rage attacks, walking on major eggshells.  So, thinking of these "good" times, the good part was that she brought me soup and crackers, coke or sprite, and spoke to me in a pleasant tone. She took my temperature and let me sleep. These things showed she cared, but she didn't show she cared ANY other time.

Another fond memory was that she made holidays nice, as did her Nm and Ns. They were all about the cooking and decorations and appearances. They all really did do a nice job of holidays. However, thinking back to those, they were a chance for the ladies and my cousins to get to cook and bake. I wanted to help and learn, but was not allowed. But then was voluntold to set the table and clean the dishes, "since I didn't cook." I just accepted all of this as normal. I was known as the "table setter."  Once after a huge Thanksgiving gathering, I was made to do all of the dishes myself, and when I asked why the cousins didn't help, no one responded or asked them to at all. I was about 9, and it was all of the dishes used to cook, serve and eat dinner and desert for about 30 people. Wash and dry by hand. It took me about 2 hours, and everyone was in the next room laughing, watching tv and playing. There were other examples that I assumed were "normal",  but looking back this felt very grueling and unfair to me at the time.

Also, with the dynamic of these cousins, I often was punished for things they did, when they were not punished. Naunt felt her kids could do no wrong. I often didn't know what I was being hauled of to the room and PA for.

Christmas morning was usually nice. I would be excited I knew it would be a pleasant day. But, thinking back, she would ask what I wanted for Christmas to see what santa should bring, and when I told her normal kid things she would say "well you're not getting THAT!" I always hoped maybe she was bluffing, but sure enough, I would get something I didn't like, and in the wrong size. Always. A small, when I am medium to large. And always a style SHE wanted me to wear, but I did not want to wear, and she knew it. I fawned and acted appreciative even though I know she felt so in control. Sometimes a sibling WOULD get the thing I wanted, or had wanted the year before. This combined with I was made to dress how she wanted. She had to approve. So, see, the nice christmases weren't the great memories they should have been. They were opportunities for Nm to assert control and frustration. I realize now she knew what she was doing, but the other part of it is I was so well trained to think it was normal and be appreciative.

Lastly, and I do mean the last thing I remember as something I always thought of as a nice thing Nm did for me- ONCE, when I was SO anxious about a performance I was supposed to be in, she "let" me wear jeans instead of a dress. I was so thrilled to be able to wear jeans I agreed to the performance, even though I was a complete nervous wreck I could hardly function. Now days, this would be of great concern to a parent and teacher. Then, I was thrilled to not be punished for not wanting to go, but rather get to wear jeans. Being in the performance, even in a group, was a horrible experience for me. Looking back though, the whole reason I was so anxious is that Nm was the one who constantly picked my every move apart, criticized, belittled, berated and made me an utter basket case. I still struggle in many ways now because of this. So that was a main great memory I have always thought of, before I realized about all of this (NPD/BPD behaviors).

I can't think of one other nice pleasant aspect of Nm. I used to, but it is all tainted now. All textbook N-behaviors and BPD meltdowns. I was the brainwashed trained little scapegoat.

But, to explain these types of things sounds so crazy to a normal person who has not had the insidious abuse. I made a comment about it to my "newer" step-sis and she immediately said how ungrateful I was and how I should appreciate my mother. Even family members don't understand. So, when the time comes for funerals, there is going to be a major shock when I'm not there. Or if I am there, I can't imagine what positive things I would possibly say.

[Maxtrem]

You're in a double-bind type situation, without a good answer unfortunately.

I've been faced with this dilemma. This year I was wondering if I should attend my Narc Uncle funeral. My psychologist told me that whether I went or not, it meant nothing apart from the fact that going to an uncle's funeral is part of our society's habits and customs. I also know that a lot of PDs in my family put me down and criticize me and that I wouldn't feel good in their presence, and they will complain, behave in a bad way, make racist comments, etc. Finally I didn't go there for the only reason that I despise this man; he's a compulsive gambler, an alcoholic, a liar, a manipulator, a low-level loser who pretended to be intelligent, he tried to empty my GM's bank account, was violent with his ex-wife, etc. I didn't go there because I despise everything he represent.   

On the other hand, a few months before, an uncle on my father's side also died (he was no PD). He had a lot of annoying shortcomings, but he was a really good person and I miss him today! I didn't even ask myself the question, I went to the funeral because I really liked this uncle and it was the least I could do for him. 

[No.]

I agree, Maxtrem, that attending a funeral is for people you loved dearly. There is too much familiar guilt tripping in this area. The person who died doesn't even know you were there. I went to Ngm's funeral even though Nm was there when I'd been NC a few months. It was hard, but my cousins were there, and I was glad I went. I actually learned some things about her I didn't know, even though she betrayed me and I wasn't close to her because of that.