Mothers day

[Ariel]

So I  basically no contact for about 6 months, broke it for the death of my dad and nephew. But ended up getting abused by narc mom. Easter came and she called and expressed shock that I had not called. I guess I've taken shit for so long she doesn't understand that I am done. Well that call gave me nightmares and stressed me out for weeks. I was going to send flowers for mother's day( guilt). But I don't really want to and only feel anger towards her. She is had cancer and is 85 years old.  Her and my sister tried to hide my fathers death from me( died during quarantine). Can I just not send them? I know I don't have to but feel like I am a horrible daughter if I don't do anything and feel like shi_ will really hit the fam

[bloomie]

Ariel - I am really sorry for the loss of your Dad and nephew. Always hard, but especially at a time like this with the added dollop of spite from your mother and sister.

When it comes to gifts - you don't have to do anything you do not want to do or don't sincerely feel to do. One thing I try to think through is my verbal and nonverbal messages to people I am no longer able to have a familial relationship with. 

Are they consistent and clear or are they confusing? If I give a gift out of obligation or to make myself feel better in some way that might be confusing and not consistent with what works for me in the relationship. And that may actually be unkind. I hope that makes sense?

It has helped me stay focused on messages I am sending over a sense of obligation and guilt.

[Adria]

Ariel.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and nephew, and for your mother and sister trying to hide it. I've lived that as well. It is horrible. 

I agree with Bloomie, she makes a great point about sending mixed messages.

I handled it different for my own reasons. I sent cards to my abusive narc parents for myself, not them.  I guess I didn't think about sending mixed messages like Bloomie suggested because I knew they would never respond anyway (and they haven't in three decades). Dh always told me, "Never let them change who YOU are." So, I sent cards when I would normally send a card, Christmas, Father's Day, Mother's Day.  It made me feel better, and helped stop bitterness from setting in.  I have no idea how it made them feel, and didn't much care. I sent cards because that is who I am. That is what I do.

I would never do anything out of guilt or spite or obligation.  Dig down deep in your heart and ask yourself why you feel the way you do. And if you send or not, which makes the most sense to YOU and what makes YOU feel better inside.  These are very personal and individual decisions we make, and all of us have a different story and can see things from different perspectives. At the end of the day, we have to be happy with ourselves.

Maybe if you think flowers are too much, a simple card might be a better option if you feel you need to do something.  Keep the flowers for yourself

Also, remember if you try it one way this time, and it leaves you feeling unsettled and restless, or the outcome wasn't what you would want. Next time, you can do different.  There are no right and wrongs. We just try to do the best we can with unbelievable circumstances that are of someone else's doing.  Take it easy on yourself knowing you are just trying to do your best. It's okay.


I wish you the best. Hugs, Adria

[JustKat]

Can I just not send them?

Hi Ariel,

The short answer is no, you don't have to send them.

I'm very sorry for your losses and understand how hurtful it is when we lose a loved one and have a PD parent conceal it. I've been there too.

To my experience, sending cards or flowers out of guilt is a bad idea. The one time I did it out of guilt, it was exactly what my mother wanted and she gloated over it afterward. You're already so stressed, please think of your own health and don't do anything you feel pressured or obligated into doing. I agree with the others about listening to your heart and doing what is best for YOU.

Please take care of yourself.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

It seems to me that no matter what we do, 5*it will always be hitting the fan. I guess I say that to suggest to not let preventing it be the basis for any decision you make. Do what you want, even it is to do nothing. It is easy to want to act in ways to keep the peace, to not create drama or to try to keep some type of decent reputation in tact. I am just not sure that is an achievable goal when dealing with NPD individuals. I think the suggestion here to do what feels right to you is very good. No need to explain it to your parent or to anyone else. Decide what will give you peace.     
           
I too had been mulling this over and decided to mail a card, but then noticed voicemails from my dad accumulated in the "blocked messages" tab on my phone. Unfortunately I listened before deleting, and dad left reminders that Mother's Day was approaching and said I needed to be sure to call mom because it will make her happy. So I know my little card will be seen as failure on my part. But I am alright with that. I am not going to call because I cannot tolerate the sound of her voice or my dad's and I am not putting myself through that. I know it will not be what they want, but it is right for me.

[Maxtrem]

My sympathies for your father and your nephew! Sending flowers to your mother on Mother's Day is a custom in our society, so it may not have such great symbolic value. But I know what you mean, I was looking for a Mother's Day card and it said things like: to a fantastic mother, who puts others before herself, to a loving mother... I couldn't get one without feeling like a hypocrite, not to mention the discomfort I felt while reading those cards! Finally I'm going to give flowers without a card.

[KeepingMyBlue]

Ariel, so sorry for your loss!

I sent my mom flowers for a year and a half. She was living with my grandmom, and I wasn't technically NC with her, right?

There was always some complaint, broken vase, flowers died too soon... Always to hers, but not grandma's...
She finally said to DH it felt like I was insulting her, and don't send gifts unless I want to reestablish contact.

At that point, I felt closure. I did everything I could, and many things I shouldn't have, to make it work.

Do what will bring you closest to peace, and I wish you exactly that.

Blue