Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward

  • 9 Replies
  • 737 Views
*

newjuncture

  • New Member
  • *
  • 15
I started vlc with my parent long before the Covid-19 pandemic.  I am currently working on a project over the next few months and had clearly asked that email be the best way for me to reach out during that time. Since the pandemic, one parent has used this pandemic to capitalize on excessive contact about being 'concerned about me', even several times a week.  The other day I received an email 'contact us, we are deeply worried about you.' I replied back and made it clear that I am perfectly ok, and I won't be raising this issue again. Nevertheless, the original boundaries that I set have been completely overlooked even despite my numerous attempts to revisit those boundaries.  I am now receiving guilty messages asking to explain why I don't call my siblings or my parent. I am a full grown adult, and I have noticed right when I started speaking up about things and that I would no longer tolerate guilt or manipulation in my life anymore, that it when the excessive contact continued.  I am at a point where I won't explain or justify anything anymore. I learned about JADE.  I know much better now.  It has also brought to light and come full circle all of those years I simply allowed this parent to be critical and say anything, and I would simply remain quiet. I became their scapegoat and the one they would pour everything on. I have decided to go from VLC to NC soon.  My main concern is that the parent will use this as an opportunity for a 'well-being check' or call the police to stop by out of concern.  We live in different regions; however, it won't stop them.  Out of fear, I also have concern that it could escalate into something bigger like them playing the victim or turning it into something wrong that I did.  I do understand that many people try to justify their fears at a time like this, and it can be a teaching moment for us.  How did you end up going NC? Did you simply let it fade from VLC to NC, or did you directly state in a letter or by phone that you wanted NC?  I am focused on the protection aspect after going NC because it is difficult to determine how someone will behave to try to get your attention more. My biggest concern is really about the repercussions of going NC.  I have no problem ignoring emails, text messages, and phone calls.  Did anyone experience parents who initiated a well-being check/contacted authorities or turned the story around that you were a cause for concern? It would be helpful to hear your insight. Thank you. 

*

Fuzzydog

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 111
Re: Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2020, 12:28:00 PM »
Going NC during the pandemic presents problems that I canít even imagine. I think it will probably magnify already e isting behaviors. I can only speak to my experience, from five years ago.
For me, writing a letter was the way to go, as I knew that my NM simply doesnít respect boundaries. So I wrote a letter, outlining one large problem. It was harsh, but not mean (from the perspective of myself and my therapist, Iím sure NM had a different take.)
Because I had been on another forum, similar to this one, I had prepared myself for some things I wasnít really thinking about.

1. You will be seen as a bad person my many people. The Sacred Maternal attitude is so well-entrenched, so visceral, in most societies, that lots of people wonít recognize anything other than crippling physical abuse as a reason to cut off a mother.
2. You will lose some people that you had no idea would take sides. Prepare for that. Try not to dwell on it, but donít be surprised, and try not to let it take you down. Itís disheartening, but still better than the emotional abuse.

Even some of your friends, who seem to understand, may have a problem with this because of fear that their child/children might feel this way.

My NM didnít harass me, so I canít address that either, but so many others here can, there is wonderful advice here from so many.

Do what is best for you. Recognize that, like life in general, there are ups and downs.
I am grateful for the Internet, where I can connect with kind people who understand just how daunting all this can be.
 Good luck with this!
 :bighug:

*

GettingOOTF

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1679
Re: Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2020, 02:30:00 PM »
I donít know that there is right or best way to do it. For me I simply stopped calling and responding to their calls. I unfriended siblings in social media.

I live in a different country and my family didnít really keep regular contact with me. I know there was a lot of drama, screaming and manipulation but I wasnít part of that. They all got together to complain about how terrible I was but of course I wasnít there.

For my family I know that any explanation I gave would have been thrown back on my face. My father, who is the main instigator in my family, still has my siblings for supply. And honesty he used to use me to make my siblings feel bad ďoh Getting is so successfulĒ, ďoh Getting owns her own homeĒ etc.

I will caution that I donít speak to anyone except my therapist and on posts here about my family. I had some negative reactions when I did. Most people simply cannot comprehend a parent being so bad that a child would cut contact.

Itís taken me a while and itís still awkward when my family comes up. Usually itís questions like ďdo you go home often?Ē  Now I say either ďIím not close with my familyĒ or ďIím not in contact with my familyĒ. The reactions really tell me a lot about peopleís own situation. You can tell that some totally get it. They usually react the least because they no.

From everything Iíve read and stories from others I donít think there is a way to do it where they go away quietly, respecting your wishes so you should do what ever feels the least difficult for you.

Once I was fully NC I really started to blossom. I hadnít realized how much it familyís negative view of me and their critical voices I carried with me every second of my life.

*

SaltwareS

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1035
Re: Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2020, 11:39:29 PM »
I went NC because of precisely those fears - that they would activate some sort of well-being check when I was perfectly fine, but the well-being check would make me look crazy to my neighbors. (Gee, thanks for your "concern" npdParents.) In hindsight I should have just sat with that fear and let it ride for a while, but that was a skill I didn't have back then. But I also wanted to stop the gossip - they were gossiping behind my back tainting every connection I had that they knew about. If I went NC I could convey to these side-players that if they heard gossip about me from the npdParents, it was obviously a lie or something from the past, because I'm NC and have been since [date I went NC.]

It was very scary to go NC but it was even scarier not to do. I did tell them "I'm living in a lot of fear and I need a break from you" to which they responded "sure, honey we want to be supportive"!?!? I didn't talk to them for five years after that.

There is no one perfect way to do it. Good luck.

*

newjuncture

  • New Member
  • *
  • 15
Re: Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2020, 08:36:08 PM »
Thanks as much for all of your insights and feedback from all of you.  I could relate when I also lived abroad.  Things were easier to cope with from afar.  I am also beginning to learn that the communication continues even more once you start setting boundaries with the person.  It can even feel like harassment with excessive phone calls and text messages even when you have deliberately asked for communication via email only. It can also impact my day to day activities where I feel that I cannot be productive and have no peace of mind.  While I am staying strong and committed to my boundaries, I'm not sure of the next step if this contact continues. I have decided not to block my phone or email to maintain a record of any messages.  I have seen other suggest taking action by sending an email requesting that person not to contact them anymore since boundaries aren't being respected.  However, I feel like this will only feed their desire for more contact to keep the supply going.  I really feel stuck here.

*

Bleu Luna

  • New Member
  • *
  • 3
Re: Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2020, 06:29:12 PM »
Hello New Juncture, Your post hit home with me so I wanted to reply. My NM has left me so so full of FOG that it has also affected my work performance. I'm 53 years old and have worked hard all my life to overcome the abuse.  I myself cannot do NC right now. The guilt won't let me.  I have noticed when I state my boundaries the N's in my life become more active. It's like they are rebellious and have to do the complete opposite of what is asked. I have learned in my situation to tell them the least of my business as possible. I don't tell them where I"m going, if I'm out with friends, or even on a road trip. My sister is the GC and the rest of us are scapegoats. I don't like to play mind games but I can't trust them, NM and NS, to stay out of my life. The length they will go is unreal to harm me. They want my attention and love when they need it, When they don't they are jealous, bitter and dangerous. They will say anything , even it causes me to loose friends or even a job. Right now they are happy with me. I keep them at arm's length and try to act like I don't know they are constantly playing a mind game. I'm truly a happy person. I love my life, job and friends. Thank goodness they don't live in the same town anymore but they do live close enough. My sister baits me on Facebook. She knows she is the only child my mother truly loves ( that sounds so childish for me to say) but she constantly puts all over facebook "my mother is my best friend", "I have the best mother ever". Mother's Day was awul. I felt obligated to comment so I just put three red hearts ( I do love my mother) and my sister started a chain replying by repeating over and over "don't we have the best mother" just trying to make me comment and repeat myself. I didn't comment anymore after a couple of times. NM is mad at my brother right now and hung up on him so GC sister is loving it. She's lapping up her favorite position in the family.  We have all helped her, giving her money, I even bought her a cheap car one time to tide her over. She is always flat broke and homeless but nothing we do is ever good enough in my NM's eyes. If we say or do one thing against GC sister we are mud in my mother's eyes. My 78 year old mother is now getting a divorce so I dread the drama that is about to take place. My best coping skill is to keep my life as private as I can without them thinking it. Sometimes they will find out after I do something and they didn't have a chance to throw a thorn in it. I stay real busy so that helps a lot. IT seems when I"m busy they stay out of my business. When they find out I have a day off or a vacation they come at me. They will callor text "what are doing? " then ask me to do something that is very uncomfortable or do something very stressful. Anyway, I could go and on. I'm new on here but it is already helping me to read the posts.

*

KeepingMyBlue

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 140
Re: Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2020, 07:37:15 PM »
I haven't received the "well being check", but I work with police officers, and they see things. They see you peaceably in your home, not threatening or doing anything M said. They see you speaking to them with respect. Please don't fear that check. I expect it would be a 2 minute front door thing at best, especially if she's having kittens, and you're calm.

*

Morocha2015

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 84
Re: Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2020, 04:19:08 PM »
I went NC through an email. My email was responded to with a complete denial of the trauma, denial that she has a problem, and a comment that I'm the one who needs therapy (which yes I do but for different reasons than she implied!). The denial for me was the worst response I could have hoped for.

For the following three months I was crushed. I cried all the time. It was a feeling of loss I didn't expect. But after that time, life became so rich for me. I have no regrets.

There have been lots of texts, cards, and voicemails. Eventually they figured out I'd blocked their calls, but they did figure out a way to still leave voicemails. They send all three of my kids crappy gifts on their birthdays, which I immediately donate to charity. The voicemails don't come very often anymore. No police calls or in person visits like I feared.

I've been amazed by how understating my friends have been when I've revealed this part of my life to them. Truthfully I expected church going people to be highly critical of me, but I've found the opposite to be true. I've been meet with much compassion, and it's surprising how many people have mentioned my description of my M reminds them of a difficult relationship they have with someone.

You have to do what's right for you. It's not selfish because you matter!

*

Fortuna

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 138
Re: Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2020, 08:02:13 PM »
I wanted to jump in here about concerns of a well check. I went NC by email and text specifically so if the cops showed up for a well check I could simply show them my phone and say "I've contacted her in multiple ways, she refused to accept reasonable boundaries hence the NC, and now she's wasting your time when you have better things to do." I wanted to make sure I had a paper trail. I've archived the few attempts at contact in case I need to deal with the authorities or any kind of harassment where I need legal proof. I've heard other did it by registered mail. So far I haven't needed it, but if that is what is worrying you, that's one solution.

*

Just Jay

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 494
Re: Recommended method for going NC, unpredictable actions afterward
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2020, 10:24:40 PM »
Not sure which country you are in, but in the US, a wellness check is not a big deal. They see you are fine, they leave. They deal with domestic drama all the time, and don't want to bother you any more than they want to be bothered with a non-criminal family matter. 

I'm going to take a wild guess that they will do things to try to lure you back. That can be very unpleasant, but it will diminish over time.