Nice try but no cigar

Started by nanotech, May 03, 2020, 05:00:07 PM

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nanotech

Great.
I am non contact with my siblings on Facebook. Facebook is a passive aggressive paradise for them, so I blocked them one by one. The first one went three years ago.
The last sibling I blocked was fairly recent. She's more of an avoidant/ enabler, but I sensed that they had begun to further influence her and to use her as a flying monkey.
Due to the present situation, I contacted a family member ( not sibling)  ( has been fm in the past so I should have known better)  on text to see if she is okay.
Bad move.  We exchange niceties at first. I asked about UNPD sis and get all of her second -hand complaints about  her struggles with lockdown. But basically,  she's ok and has food.  Ok,  then suddenly.........

:sadno:
A really syrupy text asking me to consider 'reaching out' to my family ( 'they are your brother and sisters after all')- how it would be SUCH a lovely thing to do in 'these uncertain times' ( GUILT TRIP FROM HELL) to reconnect with my BROTHER and SISTERS!  ( GUILT GUILT, OBLIGATION, GUILT)
' We all have fallouts........' etc etc
'These uncertain times ' FEAR FEAR FEAR -one of them might die and what will you do if that happens?  Answer- I'll deal with it. It's not a reason to once more offer my body and mind for flaying.
She really has no clue about the bullying and manipulation that went on, particularly from  two of my siblings. They are terribly enmeshed and haven't self-differentiated from the FOO at all.
The whole thing was designed to make me feel guilty and to suggest politely an opportunity to 'put things right!' 
The subtext was,
' Step in line now, you know you should, it's only right that you reach out to your siblings , and by doing so, see how NOBLE you will  feel.' '
This encouragement to carry out a good, noble act is a total weapon of choice for PDs and they love manipulating and reeling escapees back in with it. It's so often used to control any possible independent thinking so that we don't recognise the abuse.  We get told to ' be the bigger person' all the time.
I texted her that I haven't fallen out with any family.  just put down boundaries that's all. I pointed out that I was available by email
(they hate email, no audience like they have with fb and messenger). I also told her that they could ring me (not text because thePA behaviour starts again) though I mentioned that do have boundaries there as well.i now won't discuss certain things and I ring off if I feel a call is becoming unacceptable.  UNPD SIS used to attack from all sides by phone while I was still in the fog, and like an idiot I used to take it. Phone slamming down was a thing too, not that I ever did it. It was done to me.
Goldenchild UNPDbrother was always a bully too, but his weapon of choice is texts and social media contact.
They seem to thing my non -contact is a long long version of the silent treatment! All the more reason for not reinstating contact.
Cue getting it thrown in my face at some point as a cruel act.
Ain't a cruel act- it's a lifestyle choice which greatly improved  my mental health.
I talked about how I loved them,( I do) but I only now keep the healthy relationships in my life.
The answer?
Not a peep back from her in reference to what I'd said!
Nothing.
Nada.
In other words, no validation for me. But that's okay. I'm a big girl. I wasn't looking for that. More importantly, I don't need it.

Then she continued, talking about  cooking!
As if she'd never said it.  :yeahthat:


TwentyTwenty

Holy Sh!t.. step in line??   :sadno:

I gotta say, if it were a conversation that I was participating in, the reply would simply be 'if you also can't respect my reasonable boundaries, then you're next nc.

Sorry you're going through this!



nanotech

#2
Thanks twenty twenty. I think you are so right. Yes I'm not going to message her again.
She lives on her own and she can't work from home so I felt concerned.
Weak moment.
Now I won't  text her again. She is actually already blocked from my social media because her mum was using her to find out stuff about me.
We were in the midst of swapping baking pics when all of a sudden I got THAT text.  :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:
I clearly can't have the normal without being pushed into re-embracing the abnormal.  :wacko: :stars: :yeahthat:

Psuedonym

I wrote on here one time about how I don't really like the term 'no-contact' as it implies that those of us on the receiving end of a PDs behavior have cut them out of our lives, and that's really not true. What we've said is 'I will no longer be bullied or guilted or gaslighted, etc, etc. If you would like to a) own your past behavior, b) apologize for your past behavior and c) change your future behavior, then this NC wouldn't exist'. It's really the PDs who are choosing NC, in that they demand that everything go back to the way it was. As you said, you are standing up for yourself and establishing boundaries. The rest is on them.

Sorry you ran into that buzzsaw of a flying monkey!

moglow

Maybe you can find a way to give this person a little grace. Clearly they have no idea what's been going on and are working with what they see. As we all know too well, looks can be very deceiving.

Whatever her subtext, you're under no obligation to continue such discussions. It may be that by asking about your sib she thought it was okay to push that door open a bit wider. I've had a few who pushed me and "thanks but I'd rather not talk about that" seemed to work. And some it didn't. Lessons learned, every one of them.
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish

nanotech

Yes and yes. Yes I do recognise her as a flying monkey and Yes I do see that she doesn't realise the whole picture, or even any of the PD aspect of this.
She's completely and utterly in the FOG.

pseudonym I love how you point out that it is really themselves causing the NC. It's so true. It's the last thing I'd do, if I didn't completely have to.
Moglow I actually felt the same today. I had a change of heart and messaged her this afternoon. I just talked about the weather and kept it very light and jokey. She responded with a similar text.
That felt good.
Thanks to  everyone. Writing it down here is so therapeutic  and finding such helpful and insightful support and guidance is the BEST.