Bad promises, owning my time

Started by heron, May 05, 2020, 01:15:36 PM

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heron

As discussed in the home for a month thread (https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=83948.0), I have used this opportunity to set a clear schedule and ensure I get some quiet time in the morning and a good amount of work time during the week. I'm also doing a lot of therapy and self-work - that's where I learned about the importance of consistent schedule and boundaries for my time. My uBPDW has often seemed to have an insatiable hunger for my time, and more recently & understandably as we have small children she wants a lot of help with them.

I am struggling with how great this has been for me, and how destabilizing it is for the relationship. During our whole relationship I slacked on my job, doing the fewest hours I could get away with, spending time with her or our kids or vegging or angsting or whatever. I also slacked on taking care of my health, didn't stay in shape, have good hygiene, drank too much, let her abuse me, etc. I am learning how to handle life sober and sustainably, doing an amount of work that I respect (at a job I love), taking care of myself, and making the rest of my time available to my family. I have also told her that respecting myself means I will no longer tolerate yelling and insults from her (the first time I said this, a few months ago, she responded "Ok then I'm leaving", walked away and started packing, and the next day left with the kids for a week for the first separation ever, while saying the reason was how awful and abusive I am. Hmm....)

She says she wants me to be sober and healthy, but she absolutely hates these changes and insists repeatedly that she wants us to be together all the time, and wants me to work the absolute minimum, otherwise I'm not putting my family first. If I was choose to work 60+ hours I would understand, but I've gone from 25/week to 35/week so it seems absurd to me that she's calling me a workaholic and saying her friends & family all agree I'm selfish for doing this. Please sanity check me on this and tell me if I'm wrong - to me it seems like if 40 hours/week is what I need to take care of myself, get therapy, do my work in a way I'm proud of, earn an income that supports us, that it's a very reasonable amount of time to carve out, even when we have a toddler and a preschooler. (I of course support her getting childcare help during the week and we have a neighbor who helps even during this shelter in place time).

In the past I made lots of false promises (Chronic Broken Promises) to appease her when she raged and threatened to leave, and then often broke those promises. As part of working to be a better person, I am working to change this by knowing myself and my values and being much more careful about what I promise. I'm also not willing to keep previous promises that I feel I made wrongly & under duress and that are not compatible with the person I am or the life I want.

To me, part of building a healthier relationship and a life that isn't based on fear and lies is to apply the new standards to everything including these old promises, and to break them when they were me agreeing to inappropriate control. She wants me to keep all these promises, and is believably threatening divorce if I won't. She says how can she trust me to ever stick to anything in the future if I break them. I say if you want me to stick to promises you need to stop threatening & bullying me, and understand who I am and what I'm willing to do. It feels like she tries to use promises to get me to be a different person than I am, and to get safety from control, instead of getting safety from seeing that I'm a good person who loves her and has stuck by her a long time, through a lot.

I don't know, what do you think about keeping promises you made when you were weaker and not willing to stand up for yourself? How would you approach a decision to break them / change your commitment?

I also have a sneaking suspicion that everything she says is sort of a smokescreen and what this is really about is me standing up against her abuse. It fits the timing perfectly. I'm sure I could have approached that conversation much better, with a lot more compassion and tenderness and partnership for her (as a shared goal to have a better relationship, rather than a boundary I was putting up, which is really what it was). But it was so hard to say I also have compassion for myself that I just said it straight "Me getting sober also means not letting you abuse me anymore." Any ideas on things I can do now to help her feel safer or less challenged about this?

Thanks for listening and hope to hear some thoughts.

notrightinthehead

Giving you a sanity check - - to me it seems like if 40 hours/week is what I need to take care of myself, get therapy, do my work in a way I'm proud of, earn an income that supports us, that it's a very reasonable amount of time to carve out, even when we have a toddler and a preschooler... is definitely a very reasonable amount of time and a sane expectation.

don't know, what do you think about keeping promises you made when you were weaker and not willing to stand up for yourself? How would you approach a decision to break them / change your commitment?


One of the basic human rights is the right to change your mind. Especially if you promised something under duress. Now, that you see things more clearly, you have changed your mind. Full stop.

What really worries me about your post is,  that when you told her you would no longer tolerate abuse she left  you for a week. This seems to indicate that she insists on abusing you.

I think you really should get support from wherever you can and use all the tools from the toolbox to continue on your journey of healing - do it for yourself and your children and let your partner take care of herself. You take care of your side of the street by being brave and behaving in a mature and responsible way. Ultimately you are the judge of your behaviour and you decide how many hours you devote to  work and how many to therapy, sport, and family time.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

NumbLotus

You're doing great.

40 hours/week is STANDARD. Even some overtime on top of that is NORMAL. And that's just for work; people living healthy lives also build in time for exercise, hobbies, alone time, errands, etc.

She will not agree or see it that way. But for YOU to know, that is all normal.

I know it's waaay easier said than done, but you don't have to own the burden of not having fulfilled her desire for 24/7 time.

I am a woman who likes (or used to) spending a lot of time with her husband. But if he was busy with work and going for runs and reading and working on his hobby, it would be on me to fill any lonely time with my own hobby, friends, wirk, etc. The caveats would be these, for me:

1) He was getting his responsibilities done or mostly done, not just leaving it for me. (Paticilating in earning income, chores, errands, whatever the division of labor works for our particular couple, which will be different for everyone).nalso that the activities did not unduly take from family resources (expensive hobbies when we couldn't afford it for example).

2) His time was being spent in a balanced, healthy way - not on (excessive) drugs, gambling, or even on ostensibly healthy but unbalanced activities that turn into obsessions.

3) He was being physically and emotionally faithful to me and our family.

4) That *some* time with me was still part of the deal. 

Integrity is important to me, and keeping promises is part of that. You are indeed allowed to change, you are allowed to rethink, back out of promises made under duress, adjust your goals and values.

When my H breaks a promise to me, I may remind him that he had promised, and I may try to come to a mutually agreeable negotiation (reschedule for another time for example). I may even be upset. But I can't MAKE him do anything, and I think your wife is holding you to promises while possibly conveniently ignoring her own.

She can ask, but you are the one to decide what you do. That's boundaries, man.

If the promise is a deal breaker, we all have the option of leaving. If my husband were breaking one of my numbered list items above, my options are to try to talk to him and work it out, and otherwise live with it or leave. Manipulating him, nagging him, screaming at him, tearing him down, soreading rumors and lies around, punishing him, those just aren't okay.

Your boundaries are okay. Execising, eating better, doing quality work, time for youself, those are all qualities to prize in a husband. And those are your boundaries. And it's okay to keep them. And it's okay for her to not like them. All you two have now is to decide what to do with that - to wirk things out in a healthy way that meets your needs as well as hers, or to manipulate, punish, etc. You can only control your half of the reaction. Her half is hers.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

Wardog

One of the big "paradigm breaking" things I learned, REALLY learned, with my uNPD wife, is that NOTHING you do will ever be good enough for her. Nothing. Why?  Because her expectations change from day-to-day, sometimes even hour-by-hour, with her mood.  NPDs will reframe their entire reality based on how they're feeling at the moment.  At first, this sounded pretty bad to me, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how liberating it was.  I don't have to try to please her, or work hard to "deserve" her because her condition absolutely prevents it. 

YOU decide what is right for you to do, based on your own values and goals, and she will have to learn to live with it. If you are confused, or unsure about something, seek outside advice, A Counselor, a Pastor, or a trusted friend or family member, even the good folks on this forum.   Her illness prevents her from being a reliable source of information, even about herself.  Use the tools in the "Toolbox" section of this site, and read and study about NPD, always with an eye toward application.

Good Luck and Stay Sane!