the illusion is shattered. please help me.

[saltwater]

hi, i'm new here. quarantine has brought up a lot of feelings and realizations and it's time for me to come Out of the FOG. my name is saltwater. and i am an abuse victim.

i am my nmom's scapegoat. she always hated me and made me fight, hard, for the illusion of love, care, maternal comfort. i was bad because i fought back. i knew something was deeply, deeply wrong but i wasn't sure what. she ripped me through a vicious cycle of idealization, devaluation, unbridled rage, then neglect and isolation. then i would distance myself emotionally. and she hoovered me right back in with the most low effort "i love you" and the next cycle would be worse than the last. and it kept going and going and going and going and going and going. and now we are here. it hurt so much and i just wanted to be loved. i just wanted her approval.

it was always something, with her. i was never smart enough, attractive enough, popular enough, normal enough, extraordinary enough. if i met her ridiculous demands she'd shift the target to the opposite end of the field. i always thought, maybe if i did this or that or made more friends or advanced in my career, maybe she will love me. well that day never came. and it's not going to.

her affection, attention, "love" was always contingent on me being a pawn to show off, to make her look good. anything i did to make her look less than perfect, landed me in the trash. i was perfect or i was garbage. there was never any in between. she stole my ideas and claimed them for herself, while calling me stupid and useless. if i was so bad and stupid, why did she steal my ideas? she says i am ungrateful because she offers to pay for basic necessities; and that i am a spoiled brat, because i also wanted emotional support. well who doesn't?

she triangulated me with anyone and everyone. anything to make me look bad, anything to make me hate myself the way she hated herself. i barely have a relationship with my sibling. she pitted us against each other and made my sibling the golden child. my sibling never, ever, had to put in the effort i did. i worry i cannot move past my deeply rooted resentment toward my sibling. i want to, i tried to reach out. but my sibling is too brainwashed by nmom's fake sweet talking. and i am so sad about that.

she pretended to be so nice to everyone's face. nobody in my life would believe my mom was a flaming n, in fact they would side with her. she knows that i know she's an n. and she hates me for that. but i tried so hard. i really believed if i just tried, she'd come around. i can only do so much for so long.

i did my best. i can't keep waiting to be loved by someone who is incapable of expressing it. but now i don't know what to do. i want to be strong. i want to keep moving forward. but i am so sad and so tired and feel so defeated. i figured out her biggest secret; it was all fake. i don't know what to do with this knowledge.

please help me.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

The author and counsellor Kris Godinez specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. You may find her talks helpful. She talks live most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

She doesn't use the term "victims" but rather "targets of abuse" which I think is a more empowering term to use and how I like to refer to myself now. How we use language is important.

Abusers are all about power and control. You cannot change or control your mother. You can only change and control your own behaviour towards her. Unfortunately she has no insight into her behaviour and without that she isn't going to change.

You are grieving for the mother that you never had and that can be painful but also liberating and freeing for you. Acceptance is key to recovery and leading a more peaceful life. Staying calm whatever happens is useful to realise. The love bombing will continue but you can realise what is happening and don't have to get hoovered back in again.

[bloomie]

saltwater - adding a warm welcome to you. I am thankful you have reached out for support from a crowd of folks who understand. There is something so healing in reading our own stories played out so similarly in the lives of others who have experienced familiar patterns of abuse and behaviors in their own disordered parents.

It's not that we would ever wish our pain and loss on another, but to find we are not alone and there are discernible patterns - that there are names for the inexplicable behaviors that our N mothers have directed at us all of our lives is a relief and a level of validation I have not found anywhere else.

Accepting what we cannot change - that was the very first step for me as well. In some ways, it still remains the hardest part. My own mother was broken and unable to love and live for anyone but herself. She was compelling and a force of nature that is hard to capture in words. From the outside looking in having her as my mother was enviable. The reality: Being her daughter was anguish and I was most often in a state of perpetual confusion until, like you, the lights came on and I could no longer find explanations for her toxic state and participate in the abuse cycle with her.

I agree with guitarman you most likely are grieving hard right now. Lean into those feelings and let them do the work they will in your life. Come here often and share and participate. Read through the info at the dropdown menus above. Absorb. Practice kindness and love toward yourself. Rest and make space for this deep work you are doing.

Sending you strength and comfort.

[bloomie]

i did my best. i can't keep waiting to be loved by someone who is incapable of expressing it. but now i don't know what to do. i want to be strong. i want to keep moving forward. but i am so sad and so tired and feel so defeated. i figured out her biggest secret; it was all fake. i don't know what to do with this knowledge.

I just wanted to pop back in and offer some hope from my own healing path - I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you have cracked open the most important door you may ever open with this knowledge.

Beyond that door is freedom from the tyranny of trying to find acceptance and love, regard and respect from someone who is possibly incapable of giving that to us and actively oppositional to our growth, independence, and individuation.

Your gaze will shift and your view of yourself will soon come from within and be secure in the truth of knowing for yourself who you are.  You are the kind of person that fought hard for this relationship and gave it all you had leaving yourself depleted in the process, but you are not overcome. You have shown great insights, wisdom, and strength.

One day at a time. Take it one day at a time.

[saltwater]

hi, guitarman and bloomie! thank you both for your responses 

yes, i am grieving hard right now but i am feeling optimistic that things will get better. i'll check out that youtube channel! and bloomie, thank you for sharing your story. i am so sorry to hear it but it is so great to learn that there is hope after the smoke and mirrors clear.

[daughterofbpd]

Welcome Saltwater! You have a long road of healing ahead, but it does get better. Your M is never going to give you the love and approval you crave. She just isn't capable. You can't change her or her perception of you. Stop trying to earn her love and instead focus on being the person that you want to be. Work on earning your own love and approval instead - not easy after years of being taught to hate ourselves, but keep trying because you are so worthy! Know that none of this is your fault and you don't deserve any of it. This forum is a great resource for healing and learning to set boundaries. Take care.