Missing the drama

[Happypants]

The last couple of years I've seen a reduction in manipulation, triangulation (i'm not picking up on as many nuanced out-of-the-blue comments that usually follow triangulation), infantilisation, guilt-tripping from my parents.  There is still the odd mood-driven passive aggressive remark which is a deeply ingrained habit of my father's, as well as invalidating "whatever"s and "anyway"s when i air an opinion.  There is still very much the idolising of the GC and family, but that's to be expected and is not for me to judge as long as I'm being treated at least neutrally.

The conversations, albeit still MC on my end, are normal.  And with lockdown and them having been self-isolating for weeks and me helping them with shopping and prescriptions, there has been a feeling of genuine warmth from my father (i cant bring myself to say the same about my mother, which i feel terrible about as she isn't doing anything "wrong" recently, but historically....... ).

It's me who's missing the drama.  I'm looking and waiting for the comments, signs of the longstanding smear campaign in full swing.  She is still pushing me on trivial things, still insisting on circular conversations, repeating herself and trying to lure me into conversations on social media, and I'm giving a little here and there.  Mainly things that in isolation could just be considered over-interested interfering.  But there's no drama, the sort of drama that exists when everyone is available and interacting, doing things, working, and there's the orchestrating of who gets what information about who.  There's no sense of dread that I'm due a visit from them or to them. 

They're calmer and I'm calmer.  But it feels really, really uncomfortable because i dont know how it will pan out, but i know it will change.  I dont know what their attitude towards me will morph into when lockdown is over seeing as they're getting older and i live nearer (GC "too busy").  I felt i was being set up for looking after them in their old age, and it feel like this is a practice/test, but my father really has softened and I'm feeling really confused about it all.  I miss the drama because the drama was normal and predictable and i was comfortable in my role despite the fact it messed with my physical and mental health.  It validated my feelings and my work towards distancing myself.

Sorry, I've got a cheek to talk about circular convos  Is anyone else struggling with different dynamics during all of this?

[Maxtrem]

For my experiences, my uBPDM is always more pleasant with me when she needs me: For commissions, money, manual work... It may be that your parents act more normally with you because they can't go out during the pandemic and they have no other option than you. If they become unpleasant, your parents will risk to have to manage without you for their errands, which would be inconvenient for them. Therefore, kindness is only one way to get what they want. Also, PDs seem to become unpleasant when they don't get what they want, so as long as they get what they want, they are more stable.

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But it feels really, really uncomfortable because i dont know how it will pan out, but i know it will change.

Waiting to be psychologically abused is a great source of anxiety for anyone who interacts with PDs, so you're really not alone.   

[Happypants]

Thanks Maxtrem.  I've had a couple of days to digest what you've said and re-read parts of some the books i read years ago on the subject.  I do think there is a change in them but it started before all this, the virus has only exaggerated it.  I'll be taking a step back and watching closely to see what happens if and when things begin returning to normal.

But I also think a part of the discomfort is that the lack of manipulation etc has created a bit of a vacuum in my head.  I previously spent so much time and energy predicting, questioning, pre-editing, ruminating, building-up to communication, recovering from communication, etc.  But the situation has changed and I have space to think about other things.  I think perhaps it's a nudge to begin focusing on carrying on with building my self esteem and separateness without the feeling of threat and dread.

Thanks again x