Looking at him

[logistics]

Is it me? Husband does not want me to look at him.  I'm finding it hard to do. I'm allowed only to look at him if I'm in a conversation with him or if I'm doing a welfare check twice a day. Other wise he thinks its weird if he catches me looking in his direction. I wasn't even looking at him but he became mad and said that was weird.

[notrightinthehead]

It's not you. Nothing weird about looking at people you share a space with.

[1footouttadefog]

I read these things like this.  Wjat if we add them all up amd take then at surface meaning.

Dont look at me.

Dont interupt me.

Dont bother me.

Dont get in my way.

Dont talk to me so much

Its your fault I act this way

I only act this way because of you

If we add all these messages up.  It equates to the non needs to go becaise the non is somehow uniquily able to being out the worst in the PD and they PD is unable to be a sane happy person due to the Non.

Why do we waste ourlife in a lose lose wuen we could instead leave and set our captive free to habe the great life and be the great person shey should be.

[11JB68]

For me it seems like... If they want/need us there for something (their needs) then we better be there... Otherwise we're just an annoyance/in the way.

[NumbLotus]

I'm pretty forgiving in my interpretations of my BPDish H. He does this when he is feeling threatened in some way. I think it's partly a cognitive distortion - he suddenly interprets my face to contain anger, blame, digust, contempt. Sometimes I AM irritated, of course, AND I'M ALLOWED TO BE, but he can't take it. And sometimes I'm not feeling anything at all but suddenly my face morphs into a demon for him. A shadow of a wrinkle near my mouth suddenly turns into a sneer, the far off gaze of my spaced out eyes turns into a roll. It's mental illness.

I think when he is in the black, the whole world is against him. I think he simultaneously, deep down, feels so utterly worthless that my presence in his life has to be a cruel joke; like I've decided to dedicate my only life to marry him just to mess with him, just to feed on him perhaps. There is no such thing, in that state, as love or loyalty or kindness. At those moments he feels none himself, so hiw could I feel them?

And his parents likely wired him that way. His father's love was explicitly conditional - not only in his rages, but in his calm he explained to my H as a boy how he (his father) loved some of his children more than others. and his mother was (and is) focused on what she could get out of him , so her love was implicitly conditional. If live is conditional, it's no love at all, really.

And if love is an illusion, why am I with him when he is obviously worthless? So it must be that I am just feeding somehow. And in those times, he believes he sees my true face, the mask slipped.

So I mustn't look at him when he is in the black.

[Haiiro Ishi]

For me it seems like... If they want/need us there for something (their needs) then we better be there... Otherwise we're just an annoyance/in the way.

I completely agree. If we aren't serving them, what are we there for!

I also avoid eye contact with my wife but I think it's partly a cultural thing. She is Asian and I'm European. I noticed when we started dating that I was looking at her and trying to catch her eye more than she does to me.

It's also hard for us to read each others facial expressions. Which I think is also cultural. We both view each other as looking angry most of the time. I think it has a huge subconscious effect on our relationship.

I try to effect a positive bright happy air all the time but it's bloody hard work.

In your case I think there is nothing wrong with looking at your partner. It's hard for me not to look at my wife, even though it annoys her. It's a natural thing for humans to be drawn to look at faces