Sibling Wrote Hurtful Letter About Me to a Friend

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Sibling Wrote Hurtful Letter About Me to a Friend
« on: May 07, 2020, 03:46:41 PM »
Hello, everyone,

I wasn't sure where to put this, but since it involves a sibling I thought here might be best. I'm also not sure if I'd call my brother "uPD" but he has abusive  + manipulative traits. I tend not to use the "uPD" label without a professional perspective. I've talked to therapists about others in my life that I am comfortable calling "uPD"--but never gotten perspective on my brother. Also, I haven't had a relationship with him in years because I don't trust him--at all.  :no:

A few months ago, I was interviewed by the local newspaper. Some quotes from me were published. The article also quoted a friend of mine.

Last night, my friend let me know that she had received a long email from my brother. The only way he would have known she had any connection to me was because of us both being in the article. She said my brother said a lot of hurtful and degrading things about me and said I had lied in the article. Also, she asked if I wanted to see the email, but I asked her to hold on to it for now. I do (and don't) want to see it, but I feel I need to know what it says.

My brother actually has a history of writing letters about other family members to try to hurt them. For example, he has written letters to my sister's employers to question her qualifications and sent a letter to her in-laws while she was in the middle of a divorce. That behavior went on for years. It wasn't constant, but it was long term. I know my sister brought it up to my mom, but my mom didn't want to get involved. Eventually, my sister wrote an email to him to tell him to stop writing to people about her. She blind copied me, so I have the email. I don't think she's ever taken any other steps on the issue.

I contacted the newspaper to find out if he'd communicated to them. I'm concerned about this becoming a pattern for me like it was for her.
I've also deliberately kept a pretty low profile online--in part because I knew the risk of something like this happening. I'm actually looking at some work that would necessitate me to have a more active online profile, and I don't want my brother interfering with any professional relationships.

Today, I've been mulling over a "cease and desist" letter. I've reached out for some advice on that and am meeting with someone tomorrow. But I thought I'd seek some perspective here too. Any thoughts?

{and yes, repeatedly writing letters to friends, employers, in-laws, etc. to harm and discredit others seems like very PD-like behavior. I know.}

Thanks for any input!



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Re: Sibling Wrote Hurtful Letter About Me to a Friend
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2020, 04:58:48 AM »
I have a uBPD/NPD sister. I donít exactly know what condition she should be diagnosed with. Iíve talked to many mental health professionals about her, but theyíve never met her. Rather than any label itís your experience that matters. A diagnosis can be helpful as then you can educate yourself further about what you are most likely having to cope with.

People who start smear campaigns about you can be very dangerous. They can be great actors and be believed by others who donít know their history as they donít really know them.

My sister has started many smear campaigns against me and other members of my family. She has reported me to health professionals and social services. She says she has reported another family member to their professional work organisation saying that they are not a fit and proper person to be running that organisation. If her comments were believed she could ruin their career and livelihood. That is exactly what she wants to do. She can be very vengeful and full of resentment.

Abusers are all about power and control. If they canít get to you directly they may try getting to your friends, other family members, work colleagues or even strangers on social media.

If it is serious and could damage you personally or professionally you may need to calmly take legal action.

I never discuss anything personal about my life with my sister. She would only use such information to damage me. She can twist things around. Itís all very sad and pathetic really.

Your brother contacted your friend knowing that they would contact you. Itís another way of abusing you by proxy, as he canít get to you. Itís done to intimidate you and itís abuse.

You may like to watch the videos by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can better cope. Her YouTube channel is called ďWe Need To Talk with Kris GodinezĒ. She gives live talks most Sundays. She frequently talks about smear campaigns.

I hope this helps you.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2020, 05:00:30 AM by guitarman »
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author



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Re: Sibling Wrote Hurtful Letter About Me to a Friend
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2020, 04:59:11 PM »
Iím so sorry you are having to put up with this abuse.  itís terrible behaviour. They seem to have to try to invalidate us in front of those who treat us with respect!
Iíve experienced it too.
My UNPD sister sent a horrible email about me to her daughter. It involved ill - wishing me and it declared her gladness that I was going through difficulties. This is the sister who I supported in many ways through her tough times.
She misposted the email, lo and behold, it arrived in my inbox.
Since that day Iíve realised how much nastiness was being said about me.
I confronted her about it. I must say that I got nasty too. It was always me that ended up reaching out. This was because I was still in the fog. I even deleted the email and told her it was all forgotten. Then she apologised, citing depression as the reason. I forgave her.
They day I got that email. I cried all day.
They really donít care.
Itís the fact that  they never have your back when you are down. I understood that she would always throw me under the bus to benefit herself.
Itís not a normal healthy relationship. So I donít embrace it any more.
Since then Iíve come OOTF.. Iím non-contact with her now.
We canít control what they say or do. We can stop caring though. Living a good life is the best revenge, as the saying goes.
Well done to you for getting in the newspaper! 🤗
« Last Edit: May 08, 2020, 05:00:45 PM by nanotech »



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Re: Sibling Wrote Hurtful Letter About Me to a Friend
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2020, 06:04:12 PM »
My NPD sister did the same kind of stuff to me.  She destroyed all my friendships, she went after my romantic relationships and smeared me to anyone who liked me to the point that I ended up moving away because I couldn't defend myself.  She is so good at what she does. She once told me, you never come out and slander someone, you drop seeds and let the other person's imagination go wild and fill in the blanks.  Sick, sick destructive people.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope it gets better. Hugs, Adria



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Re: Sibling Wrote Hurtful Letter About Me to a Friend
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2020, 12:27:31 PM »
Thanks to everyone who has read and replied to my post.

I got a copy of the letter. It was articulate (my brother is smart) but obviously designed to discredit me, as I'd expected. I'm not surprised, unfortunately! And it was long too. The good news is that my friend is very savvy about abuse. She has a painful past as well. So it didn't damage her view of me. Still, yuck! I will never understand!

Guitarman - Thanks for the recommendation to watch Kris Godinez's videos. I've watched a few and enjoyed them a lot. Unfortunately, I have experience with smear campaigns at the hands of my abusive uPD exH (who had both uNPD and uPBD traits) and another uPD family member (with covert uNPD traits). I'm so sorry that you and others in your family have been through similar circumstances because of your sister. It's awful!

I know that some of my reluctance to label my brother is because I have been on the receiving end of false rumors being spread about my emotional health. And I haven't had any interactions with him in a long time. But getting a copy of this letter is definitely clarifying for me. There have been rumors in my family of him abusing others--and the scenario I described with his writing letters about my sister. But it's all been hazy and nebulous. It's often hard to tell what's rumor and what's fact in my family.

You're exactly right that this is an abuse by proxy situation.  I really haven't spent much thought or energy into my brother in years, so it's strange to know he would focus so much energy on trying to harm me. I hadn't really expected him to change. I used to believe the uPD people in my life would move towards healing eventually, but I know now that's very unlikely.

nanotech - that situation with your sister sounds just terrible. How awful to try to put a wedge between you and your daughter. It sounds like having it come to light was a milestone on your journey OOTF, so perhaps that's a small silver lining in a hurtful situation. Gossiping and backstabbing is a big part of my FOO family dynamic. I know just how painful it is to know others who are supposed to care about you are talking about you and diminishing you behind your back. But yes, living well and ending the cycle IS the best way forward. That's my philosophy too!

Adria - I know that dynamic you describe all too well, unfortunately. It's interesting that your sister told you exactly how she operated with planting seeds. The PDs in my life have done the same thing! So interesting that they can be so straightforward about they're behavior and clear in their intentions. I'm sorry that you've been through so much with your sister. I hope moving away has given you some peace, positive new relationships, and a chance to reclaim your life!