Birthday

[hereweare]

Hi all-

I've gone LC with my uBPDmom and NPD sister for 6 weeks now, after much turbulence. I know the smear campaign has been high and had to block my NPDsister's number due to hovering/harassment.

Tomorrow is my youngest nephew's birthday, NPDsister's 4 yr old son. Ideally I can call, speak with him and wish him a heartfelt happy birthday. However, I'm anticipating that I may be blocked now, as retribution for my initial blocking.  I'm having a difficult time processing that my relationships with my nephews (Two and four yrs old) may now be strained as a result of LC. I still feel a loving connection to them and I don't know how to process possible fallout. I know situations like these often become a game to PDs.

I am wondering if there are any suggestions on how to best manage LC with extended family members, especially children? I'm distraught at the idea of not having an ongoing relationship with them but could no longer tolerate the manipulation and control from PDs. Thanks for reading.

[bloomie]

Hi hereweare - welcome. What a good time to find support by joining the community. I'm glad you are here, but very sorry for all that is taking place in such important family relationships.

It sounds like you you took to cool things off and stop harassment time out and that you would like to maintain some limited contact with your family?

I remained LC for many years with a toxic high conflict sibling trying to keep all of the connections that were so sweet and meant so much to our family with his family members. Trying to keep the adult issues from impacting the relationships with the little ones is not easy. I have found that understandably, most parents are not welcoming to the idea that we still have relationships with their children (especially small ones) if we do not have relationships with them.

Is it possible, since you are LC and not NC, that you can send through the mail a little gift or card to acknowledge the bday rather than call and give things continue time to cool off as you figure out where you stand?

When we change the level of contact and when we live our boundaries which do not allow harassment and abusive messages to us, there will be blow back and it is painful. Keep coming back as you take this one step at a time for support and encouragement as you process all of this.

[hereweare]

Hi Bloomie-

Thank you for the warm welcome and insightful reply.

In an attempt to keep my post brief, there may have been some voids. To help answer your question, yes, I would like to maintain some limited contact with my family.

Sending an electronic gift card is a wonderful idea, I didn't think of this. Perhaps remnant FOG. It will come in handy as other celebrations come up for the little ones.

I did call today and was received with much resistance from Nsister. I'm  clearly seeing/living the blow back you mentioned.

LC is a new way of living for me and so far, it's been filled with ups and downs. I'm grateful for your support. Thank you.

[bloomie]

hereweare - keep coming back as you forge new patterns of relating with oppositional and high conflict family members. The toolbox above and traits info are really helpful as we gather strategies and ways to cope to ourselves going forward. Sometimes the load is heavy and we just need a place to share where we will be believed, heard, and understood.

Learning where/when/how to invest our energy and resources and how to navigate tricky situations takes time. Be gentle and patient with yourself as  you continue forward in health and enlightenment.

[Phoenix Rising]

I really like the idea of sending some kind of card or gift without verbalizing/making face or phone contact. It can relieve your need to acknowledge the birthday without going back on boundaries you've set  with your NPDsis. Take care of yourself

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hereweare I just saw this post. I began VLC with my Nsis when her kids were in grade school and they are in their 20's now. My sister and her husband are high conflict and very difficult to have in my life, but I always wanted to be an Aunt to her kids.   
I wish I had an iron-clad answer. I found not engaging, medium chill and grey rock got me though events  without feeling completely depleted. I did find however that the "VLC" contact I needed to survive with my sister was never satisfactory for her and she expressed her displeasure in front of her kids. I went to her kid's birthday parties and even some sporting events, but all my sister or her husband would say is they were surprised I showed up. Her kids would just look at me awkwardly while I ignored the comment. I suspected a bit of a smear campaign. When her kids got into their early teen years, I did ask to take each of them out to lunch as a special birthday event with their Aunt and fortunately my sister agreed. We just had a nice lunch chatting with without drama. Would your sister agree to let you take them out like that?  I now hope that they might remember I made an effort toward them in spite of what they might be hearing. I also told them I was always going to be in their corner in their life, but I do not know how much of that they totally understood.
So, that worked well enough that my darling nephew asked me to do a reading in his wedding ceremony last year. It was one of the biggest honors of my life. Of course, my sister was unable to accept this. She called me telling me I did not deserve the honor, I never cared about her son, and she wanted to un-invite me to his wedding if I did not apologize to her for all the years I neglected her. I did not apologize, and still ended up doing the reading but my sister was not done with me.  During the wedding reception my sister and my Ndad approached me and said I had one last chance to apologize, and when I said no they told me I had just ruined the wedding. I grabbed my purse and walked out. The more boundaries you have, just be warned that the more "push back" you might receive. It will likely be up to you to decide if their "push back" is tolerable. I have not spoken to my sister since that wedding, but did send a card to my nephew and his wife on their anniversary. I hope they think my door is open, but I have no idea what my sister is doing.