Feeling like a colossal failure

[Free2Bme]

Monday was not a good day and has led to some realizations. 
My dog has been ill for six months.  I have been caring for her sometimes round the clock:  meds 4x/ day, up at night with vomiting, etc. , numerous Vet appointments, labs, blood transfusion & medications.  I've invested so much emotionally, financially (thousands) but the end result is she will not recover (no more $ for treatment).  I have several pets, but am very attached to this sweet girl, she is deteriorating day by day, really hard to watch. 

After several stoic months, it finally hit me and I cried off/on all day Monday and ended up feeling wrung out.  I realized this is tapping into some deeper feelings about failure; It seems that everything I have worked the hardest for has failed.   I think on some level I fault myself because I am the common denominator in all these situations.

my thought progression...

I failed to succeed in saving her life
I failed to yield to my doubts about marrying my H , when I saw red flags i rationalized 
I failed my children because I stayed too long w/ PDxh
I failed to name H's antisocial bent early on and the damage to me and kids
i failed to be honest & courageous in marriage counseling about the domestic violence occurring toward me/kids (out of fear)
I failed to accept my M (and FOO) dysfunction and kept trying when she's not capable of relationship
I failed to maintain professional credentials when I was a stay-at-home mom = no earning potential post-divorce
I failed to maintain my good parenting standards during high conflict divorce =   2:4 kids with serious issues
I failed to stand up for myself and children, and care for myself financially by taking/agreeing to sub-par settlement in divorce (out of fear)
I failed to convince my former church about my udpdxh
I failed because I don't see evidence of all I invested in my kids = I didn't do enough


To others, I offer second chances, grace & understanding, but find it hard to give this to myself.  I tend to be overly responsible and expect a lot from myself.   I see myself as the solution to my problems and work very hard, and when things don't work out I blame myself.
It is hard for me to discern what part to attribute to my own failure, what to lay at feet of others, and what to chalk up to 'that's just life'.  I know feelings are not reality but the fact is that I am at the source of all of these issues.   If I point outside myself then it's like I'm blaming others and I am no better than udpdxh and M. 


Part of my frustration is that I am a furloughed student intern  (healthcare), and won't be able to graduate as planned in August.  I'm unemployed and have limited savings.  I am 50 'ish and have been busting my rear for 4 years in school, trying to get on my feet post-divorce.  Now because of Covid, graduate may not happen and I may not find work due to economy. 
Am I being realistic or catastrophizing?

How do I accept my own failures and my inability to positively influence outcomes for those I love so much.

-----------thanks for listening

[GettingOOTF]

First of all I’m really sorry for the tough times you are experiencing. The illness and loss of a beloved pet and having your graduation taken from you are both colossal losses.

It’s really hard when we’ve had what seems like nothing but failure then finally do something to change it and then it doesn’t work out the way we planned. It’s really difficult to not take these things personally.

The Covid situation is temporary. You haven’t lost those four years, this is more of a setback than a sign that everything is doomed.

All the other things you mention about your ex and kids were really a product of who/where you were at the time. You aren’t that person now. The way to get past this is to accept that you genuinely did the best you could with what you had or knew at the time.

I have been working on this for years. It’s hard but it really helps with acceptance. I also try not to see these things as failures.

Maybe they look that way on paper but in reality these situations are so much more nuanced.

I think one of the hardest things to do is to find grace for ourselves. Those of us who had the upbringing we did and then ended up in abusive marriages have a lifetime of self blame and self criticism programmed in to us. You don’t undo that overnight.

I tend to look at my failures rather then my successes too. I look at all the things I did wrong and turn them over and over in my mind as proof of what a failure I am. No one else (outside of my FOO of course) thinks I’m a failure. People who know me and a bit of my story admire me, I’m considered successful by others partly because of what I think of as my failures.

You left your ex. Many don’t. You went back to school and completed a years-long program probably surrounded by people much younger. That takes so much strength and perseverance. You have given your sweet dog years of love and done everything you can to help ease his suffering. You are a kind, compassionate, driven person.  These are not the characteristics of a failure.

I think you accept your “failures” by realizing they aren’t failures, they are experiences you lived through. You did the best you could at the time.

Please don’t confuse who you are now with who you were years ago. Today you would make different choices but all those choices you made then led to to where you are now.  You know so much more now and would make different choices. You didn’t know then what you know now then, so you made the best choices you could at the time.

It’s a tough time right now and you have some tough things to deal with. Hang in there.

[notrightinthehead]

My heart goes out to you - it hurts to loose a dog, or any animal we love.
I support what Getting Out of the FOG has written.
In addition to that, I also often think that I am a failure and when I do - I tell myself 'So what? I can still love myself even when I am a failure. I will love myself even harder now, because scolding and rejecting myself has not brought any positive results.' So when I feel like a failure I try to send myself kind and loving thoughts. I try to feel warm and comforting feelings for myself. Arguing with myself and trying to defend myself has not brought much relief, because the rational mind knows that you are not a complete failure. But the heart .... Therefore I try to just accept the feeling, however painful it is, and give myself some love during this painful time. It works for me in the sense that the hurt and the pain slowly fade and I feel a little lighter with time. Maybe it works for you too.

[JenniferSmith]

First, I want to thank you for posting this.  While my life circumstances are different than yours, lately I have been getting caught up in feelings of regret and shame about my past, and feeling rather hopeless and depressed as a result of it. I've kind of slid into this without realizing it and reading your post gave me a small jolt - I was like, wow, I have been thinking a lot like this lately about all the difficulties in my life.   So thank you for giving me that wake-up call!

After I reflected on my own experience,  the first thing that came to my mind after reading your post was the author and teacher Pema Chodron. Have you ever heard of her?   Based on what you wrote here, I wondered if you might find her writings beneficial.

One book that seems particularly relevant to what you wrote here is The Places That Scare You.  Here it is on her website, which has articles and lots of other info: https://pemachodronfoundation.org/product/the-places-that-scare-you/ 

We always have a choice, Pema teaches: We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us and make us increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder. Here Pema provides the tools to deal with the problems and difficulties that life throws our way. This wisdom is always available to us, she teaches, but we usually block it with habitual patterns rooted in fear. Beyond that fear lies a state of openheartedness and tenderness. This book teaches us how to awaken our basic goodness and connect with others, to accept ourselves and others complete with faults and imperfections, and to stay in the present moment by seeing through the strategies of ego that cause us to resist life as it is.

best wishes to you 

[Hopeful Spine]

All these wonderfully written responses are gold.  Every word.  And I think we all know that we're not alone in letting these thoughts creep in on us.

I think the person you are today is disgusted with the person you were in the past.  You clearly think that you SHOULD have made these changes years ago.  But you need to remember - you couldn't.  You were not strong enough then.  But you are now.

The person you are today - would never have put up with everything that you endured.  You probably slowly got entangled with your spouse and never dreamed of the awful experiences that awaited you.  And so, you slowly found your way out.  Congratulations!!  Those were hard years for yourself and your children.  But you got out!!!

And you are recognizing that your children suffered as well.  And you are getting them help.  You are giving them a gift that many in their situation never get.  A mother who is remorseful and genuinely cares.  I hope that someday you are able to explain to them how difficult your life was and how much you have learned.

I can't really respond with anything better than what was already written.  Just know that you are not alone and never give up.  A year from now life can look very different.  And I'm betting that your life will only continue to improve.

[1footouttadefog]

Is sounds like you succeeded in giving the old pet all you could give.  But as happens in life things, pets, people and our relationships to them come to an end.

I have given all I can to my marriage.  We are living as roommates with me in a parental role and he is disabled psychiatrically and now possibly becoming dementiaed.

Our relationship as man and wife is over no matter what else I do, I can not change the course. 
I sometimes worry I may have subjected my kids to too much by not leaving  etc.  Who is to say it would have been better as a single parent home in poverty.

It's easy to look at it as all on us, it's what we are trained to do. In reality it's part ours to own, part random, part others faults.

Owning what is yours and working on those aspects is all you can do. Letting others own theirs gives them their dignity.

[Free2Bme]

Thank you all for the feedback, really grateful 
Sometimes it's hard to know what the right perspective should be when things are so complex. 

Update:
My baby girl died in my arms Thursday evening.   
I keep replaying what I could have done differently/better for her.  Did I cause this ; when I didn't pick up on her que's? missed a very occasional dose of Rx? didn't get a 2nd opinion?

This kind of thinking is thematic for me and reveals something to me about myself.  At some point, I have to just accept things the way they are.  I keep holding on trying to avoid more pain and loss.  Sometimes it can't be avoided, I can't save the world.  This is where I need to grow.


*1foot~
This is especially difficult, it is hard enough to be a caregiver to someone who does not have psychiatric issues and dementia.  I don't know how you do it.   
Thank you for sharing  
I wish you strength and peace

[notrightinthehead]

How sad and how wonderful that you could be with her to the end. Please allow yourself to grieve. The guilt and the rumination (should I have...) is part of the grieving. You are grieving the loss of a being you loved. It is painful and as you say, sometimes we just have to accept what we cannot change.

[Duck]

This doesn't fix everything, but I want you to know that it is very common for pet owners to second guess themselves when their pet passes away and think of all the things they might have done differently. One time when I lost a pet, I looked up the topic of grieving a pet and learned this. So, while this might not help with some of your other worries, just know you are reacting to the loss of your pet like a perfectly normal, caring person. It sounds like your pet was extremely lucky to have you. My heart goes out to you.

[Free2Bme]

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement, I appreciate folks here and this safe place. 

I am moving through grief over these various things, just takes a while.      ".... accepting the things I cannot change".

The take away, is although these things are real, so are the numerous blessings I have.  Need to readjust my focus at times. 

[Wilderhearts]

I am so, so sorry you had to say goodbye to a member of your family.  They are the most incredible friends, and I know she was grateful to be with you in her last moments.  You gave her all the comfort you could, and I bet she considered herself very lucky to have you there.

It is hard for me to discern what part to attribute to my own failure, what to lay at feet of others, and what to chalk up to 'that's just life'.  I know feelings are not reality but the fact is that I am at the source of all of these issues.   If I point outside myself then it's like I'm blaming others and I am no better than udpdxh and M. 

I absolutely struggle with this as well, and much of it is born out of the fear that if I shirk even a little of responsibility that I actually should be accepting, I'm like the pwPDs in my life.  My T says because I have an anxious attachment style, I often accept more responsibility than I should.  At the same time, others (often with avoidant attachment styles) refuse to take responsibility for their part, leaving all this unclaimed blame.  So I take responsibility for the unclaimed blame, afraid that maybe it is mine and aren't I a terrible person if it is and I don't accept it. 

I've learned for myself that accepting blame that is not mine to own causes great feelings of shame, emotional collapse, self-loathing, and disgust.  I think it's because we're accepting blame for things over which we had no control, so it's impossible to learn what we could've done differently or better in order to improve the situation.  The thing is...we couldn't.  So we never figure it out, and feel like failures.

I like to go through a "your stuff, my stuff" exercise when figuring out what I responsibility it is appropriate for me to accept.  I list the things that I could control and am responsible for (e.g., my actions), and the things out of my control (e.g., what I did not know by no fault of my own, what I did not myself do/others' behaviour).  It's also an exercise in self-compassion, by recognizing the honest reasons that contributed - which are not the same as excuses, since you're taking responsibility for your actions/inactions.  It doesn't mean you can't recognize factors outside of you that contributed to your actions.

For example, with your church, did they listen when you did talk?  Did they create an empathetic, supportive environment where you could speak honestly about such difficult things?  Was it a culture of shame and judgment, so accusations of abuse didn't have to be dealt with?  Or was it a culture of accountability and openness about abuses?  Are people supported to leave abusive relationships in your church's culture (my mom was almost certain she'd be excommunicated for divorcing my uNPDf)?  Did anyone give you any indication that they could understand the insidiousness of PD abuse, or domestic abuse period?  Was there much mental health literacy in the congregation at all?  Were they really available to support you?  Maybe you tried to convince them...but you're not responsible for what others believe or dismiss. 

Maybe your time of grief is a time to process these things, and maybe it isn't, but either way, I hope you find much comfort.

[Free2Bme]

Wilderhearts,
Thanks for your thoughtful response.

I absolutely struggle with this as well, and much of it is born out of the fear that if I shirk even a little of responsibility that I actually should be accepting, I'm like the pwPDs in my life.    I want to be completely antithetical to the PD's in my life
At the same time, others (often with avoidant attachment styles) refuse to take responsibility for their part, leaving all this unclaimed blame.  I have several avoidant-type people in my life, maybe I attract them somehow?

I've learned for myself that accepting blame that is not mine to own causes great feelings of shame, emotional collapse, self-loathing, and disgust.  I think it's because we're accepting blame for things over which we had no control, so it's impossible to learn what we could've done differently or better in order to improve the situation.  The thing is...we couldn't.  So we never figure it out, and feel like failures.  Yes, this sets one up for failure.  Maybe it's too scary to think I have no control.  I need to work on accepting things I have no control over, I think this is all tied to PTSD.

I like to go through a "your stuff, my stuff" exercise when figuring out what I responsibility it is appropriate for me to accept.  I list the things that I could control and am responsible for (e.g., my actions), and the things out of my control (e.g., what I did not know by no fault of my own, what I did not myself do/others' behaviour).   This is a good practice to be in.  I am successful at the "your stuff, my stuff" with my healthy/secure relationships.  It's the unhealthy ones that things get convoluted.

For example, with your church, did they listen when you did talk?  Updxh had already ingratiated himself to them, and had set things up in the event that I were to ever expose him that I would look bad. They even spoke to our eldest child (a very credible 17yo).  ExH had disparaged her as well, they believed him over her.  More because he was the largest voice in the room (figuratively).  Did they create an empathetic, supportive environment where you could speak honestly about such difficult things? Unfortunately, no. Was it a culture of shame and judgment, so accusations of abuse didn't have to be dealt with?  All of the above, my soul is in peril because I sought an unbiblical divorce, they are praying for my soul, lol   Or was it a culture of accountability and openness about abuses?  Are people supported to leave abusive relationships in your church's culture (my mom was almost certain she'd be excommunicated for divorcing my uNPDf)?  I was excommunicated.  The church leadership wanted me to separate from H and they would 'counsel' us about our issues.  They wanted a shot at restoring the marriage (understandably), and wanted me to put divorce on hold, which I refused.  I was seen as uncooperative, this was a problem. So, I was put under church discipline for not cooperating with the process.  But I knew that if I did it their way, me and children (4) would continue to be abused by proxy and that H would exploit the whole situation for his gain. Did anyone give you any indication that they could understand the insidiousness of PD abuse, or domestic abuse period?  Absolutely no.  Although I could respect many things about my church and its leadership, they were completely unprepared for this.  My exH is very charismatic and highly ASPD, he had them all drinking his Kool-aid.  Still does.Was there much mental health literacy in the congregation at all?  Yes/no, but didn't translate to leadership. Were they really available to support you?  Zero support for me and kids.  They circled the wagons around my exH, he played the victim and they bought it. Maybe you tried to convince them...but you're not responsible for what others believe or dismiss.

Thank you for your interest.  This was a very painful blow for me and my children.  I have forgiven the church leadership but my children are disillusioned, very sad.   I have since learned that this is not uncommon, and it can even happen in solid churches.  Until the church educates itself about the nature of sociopaths, disordered people, and DV, it will remain in the shadows. 


It sounds like your M was not excommunicated, hopefully she received support (?)

Thanks again for your insight.   

[tragedy or hope]

free,
You are incredibly strong. I have a different take.

Embrace all of it. The good, bad and ugly. It was all a part of who you are today. Wiser, more aware, emotionally intelligent.
The children? I grew up in insanity but at some point I decided to work on me. They  will be free adults and will be given choices too.

The only one whose opinion matters is God as you have a relationship to Him. No one else can judge your decisions. Not even you. You do not sound like a victim. You were aware but made decisions on what seemed best for you and your family.

It's okay to be exactly where you are because you are growing. You are not stagnant, stupid or searching. You are living in what must be faith. I can think of worse situations.

Leave judgment to God, even about yourself. Live free and continue to learn to live your own life. Put a picture of your lost dear pet in a frame and grieve everytime you look at it. What a gift of "friendship" he/she was for you. While you are at it... make a list of all the other things that you need to grieve over and place it in front of the picture. You may as well go all out.

This is to me the best way to love yourself.

Why we think one size fits all in life and what one person does to make life seem right is not the same for another. I applaud you.

You are a grown person. Handling life on life's terms. So, so sorry for the loss of your sweet pet. You created great memories and connection there. That in itself is something to cherish.

I have regrets. However, I am learning to grieve what I did not have and do not have now. I have to learn to accept that God loves me and that is enough.

Stay strong, you are amazing! 

[Wilderhearts]

I want to be completely antithetical to the PD's in my life
[\quote]
It is a common reaction to narcissistic/PD'd abuse to try and be the opposite of our abusers - but it means we often also relinquish healthy entitlement.  To the extent we don't even feel entitled to feel our feelings.  I think I read that in "the Narcissistic Family System."

At the same time, others (often with avoidant attachment styles) refuse to take responsibility for their part, leaving all this unclaimed blame.  I have several avoidant-type people in my life, maybe I attract them somehow?
[\quote]
Quite possibly - we're a little like ying and yang, and I don't doubt that avoidant types love finding someone to shoulder their share of the blame.

I've learned for myself that accepting blame that is not mine to own causes great feelings of shame, emotional collapse, self-loathing, and disgust.  I think it's because we're accepting blame for things over which we had no control, so it's impossible to learn what we could've done differently or better in order to improve the situation.  The thing is...we couldn't.  So we never figure it out, and feel like failures.  Yes, this sets one up for failure.  Maybe it's too scary to think I have no control.  I need to work on accepting things I have no control over, I think this is all tied to PTSD.
[\quote]

That's such a good point I just went mmmmm, aha! sitting alone in my house.  Yeah.  It is scary.

This is a good practice to be in.  I am successful at the "your stuff, my stuff" with my healthy/secure relationships.  It's the unhealthy ones that things get convoluted.
[\quote]
When I was going through anxiety/depression therapy, they taught us we have to first practice our skills when we're not under duress.  It kind of has to become a habit before you are able to rely on it when under stress.  Practicing this with healthy relationships is probably exactly where you need to be; in many ways it's where I still am.

Wow.  Wow.  I'm so sorry that your church failed you and your children so completely, rather than giving you refuge and support as they should have.  I think churches unfortunately do often perpetuate abuses rather than facilitate healing, and it has much to do with their leadership, as you said.  I suspected one pastor of a  big church I attended for a while to have a PD - I lived with his daughter and she had all the symptoms of BPD and told me stories.  Very disturbed, abusive family.  He wore the same expression of contempt my uNPDf often did, and always refused to meet my eye - always.  He knew I knew. 

My mom was very fortunate.  Her priest actually encouraged her to leave when she told him she was getting a divorce.  She did get an annulment.  Her faith community really came together and supported her, and us.  I think it helped a great deal that our uNPDf spurned religion and never attended, so he didn't even have the opportunity to poison them against her.  It may have helped also that the priest is a former cop, and I think he's always had a good nose for people.  I remember being a child around him, and how his presence always made me feel safe.

That is good for your own wellbeing that you've forgiven your church...but have you found a more supportive faith community?  I have doubts that a faith community that supports PD'd abuse to continue can help you heal from that abuse.  No matter anyone's faith, I think they deserve a faith community that supports their safety and healing.

I'm glad we could connect and learn from each other's experiences
Warmly,
WH

[Wilderhearts]

Oh jeez, HTML fail!  Sorry!

My new responses come after [\quote]. 

[Free2Bme]

Thank you Wh for the affermation.  Albeit, a sort-of psychodelic format ............. .