The Gambler’s aspect

[nanotech]

Does anyone else have a strong desire to contact the abuser, even though it leads to pain?
I've lowered contact with dad. The Pandemic has him scared. He's ramping it up. He's taking it out on me.
Dad's been really abusive to me. I've come away from every phone call feeling terrible. I've regressed in my own progress toward  freedom from this trauma.  I thought ( stupidly) that dad had evolved. But he hasn't changed.
My dad is SCARILY confident that I'll go back to taking  the hurt and pain, simply because there's a pandemic on.
His calls consist of negative ranting and blame.
I know why but it goes unspoken by him.
These are the reasons. He can't go out. He can't play golf, he can't eat out, and there there  isn't even a football or a rugby game he can watch. He can't go to the GP or ring an ambulance when he has an elbow twinge (this happened!) .
All the pillars he usually prop his false ego on to keep it running, have been swept away.
But he doesn't complain about THESE things. Stiff upper lip and all that.
Nope, he just rants about everything else on the planet, apart from the government who he has to believe is doing a great job( he's scared to think otherwise). He throws nasty jibes at my life choices in particular and reacts scathingly to my suggestions.

He's my dad, and even though he's old, a daughter in normal times ( in normal families) should often feel reassured by a word or two?  Shouldn't she?
Is this why I want to ring? Do I want still to pretend everyone is normal?
We are all scared at the moment. But he transforms his fear into anger- at everyone and everything.
When I make suggestions ( things he might like on TV) they are horribly torpedoed.
He told me years ago, not to show my feelings.
' People think you are weak.'

Still,  I've tried to explain it away to my own reasoning. ' He's old. He's on his own' .

We have a lovely friend who is also old and alone during this pandemic.  He lives a long way away. He rings us and leaves cheery messages on the phone. There's no nastiness if we don't ring back straight away. There are no conditions, no recriminations. When we speak with him he's upbeat and jokey, even though he has many health problems.   
We've supported him through more difficult times too. He lost his good friend last year and it was hard for him.  What I'm saying is, we are not expecting dad to be jokey all the time. I can be supportive where emotions are authentic and of course, unabusive.
It's staring me in the face. In these times of struggle, my dad just wants a scapegoat to get him through. The abuse is becoming less and less subtle, but everything he says is still JUST on the side of deniability.  Unless of course,  you are trauma bonded to him. I wish he weren't so clever at it. My psyche is primed, so that the invisible arrows find their happy places. 
Still I deny and excuse.

Looking online ( Les Carter, Jerry Wise, Kris Godinez), I read and I 'believe' and I 'understand'.  I have to admit- how everything he utters is aimed to hurt and abuse me. 
I know I'll get more of it if I call, yet I still want to ring him.
But on an emotional level, I'm just not getting it.
I think it's the emotional hold he still has over me. It must be the trauma bonding that does this. It perpetuates a longing.

Once we've heaved ourselves Out of the FOG,
we think it's over. But then there's this emotional addiction to deal with.
It can disguise itself as compassion. A desire fuelled by hope, that this time we might get what we are looking for.
It's the gambler's
' one more try, and I'll mend my whole life'
philosophy.
It's the alcoholic's ' just one drink won't hurt.'
In reality there's no healthy hope here.
It's the trauma bonding.
Powerful.
Horrible.

[Starboard Song]

Does anyone else have a strong desire to contact the abuser, even though it leads to pain?

Dad's been really abusive to me. I've come away from every phone call feeling terrible....He throws nasty jibes at my life choices in particular and reacts scathingly to my suggestions.

He's my dad, and even though he's old, a daughter in normal times ( in normal families) should often feel reassured by a word or two?  Shouldn't she?
Is this why I want to ring? .... I've tried to explain it away to my own reasoning. ' He's old. He's on his own' .

If you're feeling this need just lately, then I think you are right in thinking it is the "he's old, he's alone, he's my father" thing. All the guilt we normally feel (we are 4 1/2 years NC from my in-laws) becomes more intense when we perceive they are in actual need. Of course it does: you are a kind and empathetic human, so old habits die hard.

Also, I think we all of us didn't want this situation: we wanted parents we could love in a mutually beneficial relationship. So when there is a risk of finality (they are moving far away, or may die soon) we feel an impulse to try one more time: to restore order before losing them.

Remember this: there are literally millions of old folks this moment, in this country, who are old, alone, and at the end of their life. You have with them these two things: no relationship, no obligation. The one thing you have with a great many of them, but probably not with your father, is hope. You could actually get to know them, and learn from them, and share with them.

Go be great. You need never be nasty or mean to your father, but neither do you owe him five seconds of your time past an insult, critique, or nasty jab. Boundaries up. Contact down.

Good luck!

[nanotech]

Thank you so much Starboard Song. You are right.  I haven't rung him today. He was having treatment at the doctor today. It's regular treatment he has, but it's the first time he's been out for weeks.
He will have expected a call.
I thought about what I would be dealing with when I rang? It would have been a long - winded chapter and verse recount with every single detail included. And I mean every detail! His detailing and nit picking often reach the point of absurdity. He doesn't draw breath, and there's no such thing as conversational turn - taking
I can put the phone down, go and come back and he never notices I was missing from the other end.
He would probably have been quite upbeat in terms of mood, because he's done that now, and he only needs this injection every three months. Yet when he's upbeat he becomes fairly arrogant too. It's all very undesirable.
He also often love bombs me at the beginning of calls, about where his will is, and how I'm an executive and how this is an important role. Then he will talk house trust money.
' I'm doing all of this for you," he said last time.
This is always at the beginning of the call I feel he says to me, ' Remember what you are going to get from me, now play along and listen to all of my negative BS and insults for as long as I want to tell them to you.'   
Again, thank you.  I think I am moving out of my trauma bonding with dad.
Hubby and I have firm plans post lockdown, to go and see our elderly, lovely family friend. There's definitely hope there!
I'm not ringing my dad, and if he rings me, I'll keep it short and shallow! 
Boundaries up. Contact down. I like the sound of that!