Deadbeat Grandparents

[starshine23]

So, I am going back to school to become a special education teacher.  My classes have been moved to online, but I will still have to spend 8 hours a day in front of the computer and I will not be able to supervise my children, who are six and seven, and have autism and ADD, respectively.  My husband has to work. 

My classes begin in mid June and we thought we had everything figured out.  My husband would take 2 weeks off, then my in laws would watch the kids, then my N mother, then my husband again.

Well, coronavirus hit and everything went out the window.  Luckily my in laws will still be able to help out.  My N Mother says she is too afraid to get on a plane in late july due to covid.  Fair enough, although I suspect its because she does not want to have to help.  (She has litereally NEVER been there for me when I really needed her.)

All the summer camps etc are closed and so I was in a rock and a hard place and I stupidly asked Toxic Narc dad and stepmom for help.

After N dad hemmed and hawed "Why cant they just watch television and you work in the other room?  Why cant the babysitter/ your best friend who lives across the country watch them?  (He and stepmom live 15 minutes away.  We never see them.)  He told me he would "kick around the idea" of watching them.  Gee, thanks.

It would be one thing if he was concerned for his health.  (He's not.  He thinks coronavirus is a hoax. Sigh.) 

So no, he will not be watching them.  I saw it as an opportunity to spend time with the grandkids.  I don't want someone who doesn't WANT to watch them! 

It's just sad to me that my parents ALWAYS let me down.

At least I lucked out with my in-laws.

B

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry. I understand completely. Once I was in my parents' town for a weeklong class. I stayed with them with only one child. (DH had the older ones visiting with his Nfamily. The in-laws didn't want the toddler along as he would cramp their style, needing naps and such. But hey, FOG leads us to accept all kind of crap.)

Anyway, I had made all these plans well in advance of my class. Suddenly as it's getting close both of them claim they need to work. NF is normally very flexible in his work schedule that time of year, NM was making minimum wage. But they couldn't possibly miss.

Neither of them would help me find a sitter so I could go to the class. Really they were sabotaging me. I found a wonderful sitter on my own, came as planned but now with an hour's driving added on to my daily schedule.

Week comes, lo and behold NM isn't scheduled for 3/5 days of my class! Does she offer to spend those days with her grandchild? "I'm so glad you have a sitter, I desperately need to clean out the basement!"

The Saturday morning wrap up of the class NF has no excuse so he and NM both end up watching my child. Who watches television the entire morning.

The sitter I found played with him all day, took him outdoors, fed him lunch (oh yeah NM and NF wanted me to do our own shopping). She really enjoyed him and appreciated what a wonderful kid he is. My parents and yours are the ones missing out. And our kids are better off without such selfish people taking care of them. I know that doesn't help in your immediate need, but really I believe almost any solution you can find is better. Watching TV all day??? And for kids with ADD and autism??? Yeah thanks dad. That's probably what he would do for them anyway. And then complain about them getting inevitably rowdy and bored. No thanks.

[GettingOOTF]

I’m sorry you don’t have a “normal”, loving and supportive family that you can rely on. You deserve so much more than what you have from them.

My father treats his grandchildren exactly like he treated his children. It’s heartbreaking to see. Our parents don’t magically become good grandparents. There are so many stories on these boards and off them of grandparents turning their grandchildren against their parents. I find there is no upside to having PD parents. The abuse and hurt continues so in this case it’s “pick your poison”.  Hang in there, you’ll get through this.

[starshine23]

Thank you both so much.  I actually woke up early full of anxiety, worrying my post sounded too needy and selfish.  Your kind words soothed me.  Thank you.

[PeanutButter]

In the long run, it may be a blessing that your children are not exposed.
I know its hard to find a baby sitter. I know its painful that your parents arn't interested.
My ubpd/uspdM showed the same attitude towards my children only milder because she did baby sit for me.
She caused emotional harm to them.
I wish I hadnt been in denial.

[catta]

I don't have kids yet but I so relate to what you've both written, starshine and Cordelia. I feel like I can't rely on my uNPD parents for anything. They promise things and later claim they never promised anything.

It's usually little annoying things like: if I'm visiting, I coordinate my flight schedule based on when they are most willing to drive to the airport (they only live 35 minutes away from the airport but fair enough, rush hour is a pain) and more often than not, their plans change at the last minute and they can't pick me up. Or they tell me they are going to call me and never follow through. Or they tell me to call them at a certain time and then "aren't home" or don't hear it ringing, even though they should have been expecting me.

But sometimes it's bigger stuff: My mom would be half an hour or more late picking me up from a planned after school program, which as a kid is pretty traumatizing. I was once trying to move out of an abusive situation (without asking any help from them), and they offered to pay for a moving van. I accepted, but later they sent me a "bill" asking me to repay them. (They have plenty of money, BTW, and I had quit my job to get out of the abusive situation.)

Of course being emotionally unreliable is the worst of it... my mom would play "good mom" and listen to me cry about breakups or fights with friends or a problem I was having at school, and within just a few days, she'd be using that same information to hurt me, saying "No wonder X broke up with you. I'm surprised you have any friends at all, etc." (Obviously I eventually learned not to tell them anything.) My dad would sometimes pretend he sympathized with me about all the mean things my mom would say, but next time she was laying into me, he'd join in.

Anyway-- I feel you. Somehow we're programmed to think our parents are going to be trustworthy even when they never were, and it's always painful when they let us down again.

[freedom77]

Our parents don't magically become good grandparents. There are so many stories on these boards and off them of grandparents turning their grandchildren against their parents. I find there is no upside to having PD parents.

Boy you said it GettingOOTF! That is exactly what my BPD/N mother was doing to my child when I entrusted her to watch DD while I worked. Now that we've been NC for almost 4 months, my DD has opened up and shocked me with the things she told me mother would say behind my back.

It's really really hard to get ahead when you have little ones...but trust us on this one, Starshine23, you and your kids are better off without them. So many stories of GP PDs turning kids against their parents, and playing victim the whole time. That was my mother's tactic.