Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?

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catta

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Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« on: May 08, 2020, 11:41:16 AM »
This weekend I'm going to tell my NPD parents I'm pregnant.

I weighed the pros/cons of telling them now vs. waiting another month or two:
  • "PROS": I am not able to cope with the guilt (dread) of their hurt feelings once they know I've been keeping this from them. We want to tell my partner's family soon, and again, the guilt/dread comes up. Also, I hate Mother's Day SO MUCH and I'm using this as a substitute for a gift :) I'm hoping we can usher in a new era of much lower-key Mother's Days.
  • CONS: At best, I know that as soon as I tell them, I'm going to hear from them a LOT more than I want to. At worst...? My imagination runs wild.

I want to hear your stories of telling your NPD parents you are expecting (whether it's you or your partner who was pregnant), how they reacted, and how you responded/how you wish you had responded. Give it to me straight. Bonus points if you weren't married (I'm not, though this pregnancy was planned) and your parents made a rude comment about it. Thanks!

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2020, 01:03:24 PM »
Congratulations! I could write a book on this, since I have five children and my parents and in-laws are all uNPD.  :sadno: This time I am NC with the lot of them and never told at all, although my DH is still in contact with his parents and they found out after the baby was born through a friend’s Facebook post. MIL made a passive-aggressive congratulatory comment. :doh: That’s all that got through to me, but nothing changed there.

Each time was different but it was never well received. Either it was too soon or too many kids, or there was some reason for their disapproval, or it was simply something that was made all about them. That’s really all you can expect. And telling on Mother’s Day? I wouldn’t be surprised if that was interpreted as merely stealing her stage. So YOU are claiming attention on this day now too??! How dare you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, just that you can’t expect to please them.

Your joy has to come from your FOC and those in your life who can truly love you. Narcs are gonna narc.  :spaceship:

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2020, 05:05:16 PM »
Since you asked for stories, here’s one. With our fourth we told my in-laws over video chat. Stony silence for a few beats, then “Congratulations.”  :unsure: I was like whatever I knew better than to expect anything. In fact they were among the last to know. We told all of our friends who would be happy for us first. Which is a lot of people. Highly recommend getting those congrats first, by the way, it helps ease the blow.

Anyway, FIL then asks, “So was this a surprise?” I responded, “Well, we know how it happens by now so no, not exactly.”

Later triangulation queen MIL was moaning to DH about how much *I* had hurt FIL’s feelings, and DH let me know.  :blink: I was not gonna bite. And uAvoidantPD FIL never spoke to me again. The end.

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Adrianna

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2020, 10:14:39 AM »
I was pregnant while a junior in college. My boyfriend now husband was the only partner I had. I didn’t sleep around or date. I was a grade a student in college and worked. Ideal daughter in most ways.

When I told him, my father was angry and called me a pig. I’ll never forget it. Pretty sure I got a long silent treatment too after that. 

My son is in his 20’s now and has very little relationship with my father. Growing up my father didn’t seem interested in him and avoided him mostly. They never built any real connection although we all know npd folks aren’t capable of that. All they care about is what you can do for them. I’ve had to teach my son boundaries so as to not be manipulated by his grandfather. What a legacy of pain they leave in their families. Thankfully my in-laws are great and highly involved with my son. They truly enjoyed spending time with him growing up and even today. I thank God for them! My mother in law is supportive of me as well knowing I don’t get any in my family of origin. What’s even more bizarre is my father and my MIL were in same graduating class so she knew him. When I was getting married apparently my father wasn’t interested in attending my wedding so she went to his house and gave him a piece of her mind. I didn’t know this until recently. Not surprising but disappointing still. Sadly 3 of my 4 grandparents passed before I was born so all I had was my unpd/ubpd grandmother, unpd father and my possibly schizophrenic, emotionally unattached, withdrawn mother. No siblings. I don’t remember most of my childhood or good reason.
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Andeza

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2020, 02:56:26 PM »
Revealing a pregnancy should be a time of celebration and joy! I'm so sorry all of you have had these experiences instead.  :sadno: It's just not okay that you've been treated this way.

Much less dramatic, within about a month of getting married, my uBPDm started asking "When are you guys going to have a baby?" and saying things like "I want grandbabies!" We waited seven years before deciding to have our first, and the first words out of M's mouth were "I knew it!" Um, no you didn't. Physically impossible to know ahead of time why I was calling. :roll: Then she, like a broken record, asked me the entire pregnancy if "everything is okay?" As though expecting/hoping something would go wrong? Really really weird. And when assured yes, then she'd come back with "Are you sure?"  :doh: She lost a lot of interest when she found out we were having a boy, and now, well, now we're no contact with her.

Catta, no matter what they might say, I want you to know that we here are happy for you and wish you the best! Congratulations!  :fireworks:

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Adrianna

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2020, 06:25:38 PM »
Yes Catta I’m sorry I forgot to say congratulations!!!!!!!  :bighug:
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jennsc85

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2020, 08:18:25 PM »
First of all, congratulations!!

My first pregnancy, my mother wasn't overly happy. Her reaction didn't make a huge impression on me.

Now, with my second... at that time, I was carting her around to appointments multiple times a week and she texted and called me constantly and if I didn't answer or if I said I couldn't take her somewhere, she threatened me with everything in the book. So... I put off telling her I was pregnant for a very long time. I was 24 weeks I believe when I sent her an email because I couldn't handle telling her to her face. Now, keep in mind I was more than halfway through my pregnancy and was seeing her several times a week and she was so self absorbed she didn't notice. But anywho, when I told her she said...

"Why don't you get an abortion? You can barely help me enough as it is."

I realize now just how trapped and suffocated I was by the FOG because honestly? That's a horrible thing for a mother to say, isn't it? But for me I just thought "Oh. There she goes again. At least she's not threatening to call children's services on me again." It didn't even really bother me. When I told my coworkers, their jaws literally dropped. I now realize what a vile thing that was for her to say.

With my third, I was into my 2nd year of vvvvvvvl contact with her. My third pregnancy was actually my first planned pregnancy and my life was in a great place. I didn't want to risk the joy and happiness I was feeling so I chose not to tell her. She somehow found out, but didn't message me about it or anything. I had her number blocked so email was the only way we could talk. When she mentioned it (weeks after baby was born) she wasn't upset about it.

Not telling her was the best decision I made. I was in such a happy, good place... if she had something terrible it would have really ruined things for me.

With my second child also (I'm telling you, I was in a HORRIBLE place with her back then)... two days after he was born (the day we came home from the hospital) she called me over and over again telling me that because she was so stressed over me having a baby, she forgot to pay her electric bill and it had been shut off. She wanted me to come and collect her and her pets and bring them to my house. She said it was my fault she forgot to pay so it was only fair. I tried to resist and ignore her but she threatened me and you know, post partum hormones and all that... I ended up doing what she wanted AND paying her bill for her. I'm so glad I'm not in that place anymore.

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Adrianna

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2020, 09:33:05 AM »
First of all, congratulations!!

My first pregnancy, my mother wasn't overly happy. Her reaction didn't make a huge impression on me.

Now, with my second... at that time, I was carting her around to appointments multiple times a week and she texted and called me constantly and if I didn't answer or if I said I couldn't take her somewhere, she threatened me with everything in the book. So... I put off telling her I was pregnant for a very long time. I was 24 weeks I believe when I sent her an email because I couldn't handle telling her to her face. Now, keep in mind I was more than halfway through my pregnancy and was seeing her several times a week and she was so self absorbed she didn't notice. But anywho, when I told her she said...

"Why don't you get an abortion? You can barely help me enough as it is."

I realize now just how trapped and suffocated I was by the FOG because honestly? That's a horrible thing for a mother to say, isn't it? But for me I just thought "Oh. There she goes again. At least she's not threatening to call children's services on me again." It didn't even really bother me. When I told my coworkers, their jaws literally dropped. I now realize what a vile thing that was for her to say.

With my third, I was into my 2nd year of vvvvvvvl contact with her. My third pregnancy was actually my first planned pregnancy and my life was in a great place. I didn't want to risk the joy and happiness I was feeling so I chose not to tell her. She somehow found out, but didn't message me about it or anything. I had her number blocked so email was the only way we could talk. When she mentioned it (weeks after baby was born) she wasn't upset about it.

Not telling her was the best decision I made. I was in such a happy, good place... if she had something terrible it would have really ruined things for me.

With my second child also (I'm telling you, I was in a HORRIBLE place with her back then)... two days after he was born (the day we came home from the hospital) she called me over and over again telling me that because she was so stressed over me having a baby, she forgot to pay her electric bill and it had been shut off. She wanted me to come and collect her and her pets and bring them to my house. She said it was my fault she forgot to pay so it was only fair. I tried to resist and ignore her but she threatened me and you know, post partum hormones and all that... I ended up doing what she wanted AND paying her bill for her. I'm so glad I'm not in that place anymore.

Please tell me you aren’t in contact with her anymore. What an absolutely horrible thing to say to you, yet it shows the absolute selfishness they exhibit. Truly shocking though and oh my gosh my jaw too just about hit the floor when I read that. You are only a servant to her.  It never ceases to amaze me how truly selfish they are with such obvious disregard for others. I’m so glad you didn’t go through that with your third baby and kept her in the dark. And to blame you for her bill not being paid! Outrageously manipulative to get more attention out of you.
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catta

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2020, 12:23:10 PM »
Thanks for everyone's congrats!! And it's very helpful to hear your stories so I can feel more confident about having realistic expectations. It's hard to believe how purposely hurtful people are willing to be-- yet it's also VERY believable. I feel so lucky that my partner has a family I really like-- we're VERY excited to tell them. Telling my parents will hopefully be like ripping off a band-aid (plus a few days of venting about it.)

Andeza-- my NPD mom has been making similar comments to me for a few years. She also makes comments to people *in front of me* about my childbearing status to help get her point across. (For example, if an extended family member asks me about one of my interests, in the middle of my response, she will interrupt and say something like "Of course she'd rather do these pointless hobbies instead of having children.") I imagine she badmouths me behind my back just as frequently. She's never asked me once in my entire life if I want to have children.

One of the reasons I'm extra on guard now that I'm pregnant is because I already know that she's planning to turn my children against me. She's basically been planning it my entire life. When I was a teenager, she used to tell me repeatedly that she couldn't wait until I had children because they would hate me and make me miserable. 5 years ago, when I was getting over the breakup of a very long-term relationship, it was all about her-- my dad, flying monkey-style, told me she'd been working out so she could be strong enough to lift her grandchildren, and now it was all for nothing. The guy had cheated on me (spectacularly) and they told me it was my fault for not being married ("married people don't cheat" they said! :o ). In short, they were primarily angry about how it affected them-- there was a LOT of screaming at me and gaslighting that occurred during this time. Around this period, my mother also told me that she wanted grandchildren "because based on talking to my friends, those are the children you really love." (She says similar things about pets.)

Anyway, I could go on and on... but thank you again to all of you for your stories, and keep them coming if you want-- the gritty details are weirdly comforting to me. I'll report back at some point with my own story after I talk to my parents this afternoon. It may take me a few days to process.

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Adria

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2020, 06:22:41 PM »
Congrats!!!

When I told my parents I was pregnant, I was married.  My narc dad said, "You would."
The day before my due date, my parents left on a two week vacation. This was their first grandchild.

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MIB

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2020, 12:07:05 AM »
First of all Catta, congratulations. This is (and should be!) a very special time in your life. :)

My husband and I struggled with infertility for 2.5 years. Finally, I got pregnant thru IVF. My parents harassed the s#!t out of my/us for the last half of the pregnancy, making everything about them, to the point that I was 8 months pregnant and the four of us were speaking only at family counselling sessions. Yeah, amazing.

Oh, and when I had my son (by emergency c-section after he went into distress), my husband told them what I had gone thru and asked them to please be nice to me when they came to visit. And of course, they both came sour pussed to the hospital, and expressed how they were mad about being told how to behave (of course they were), and they made it all about the stupid cheap gift they brought and all the effort it took them to get there (they live an hour away).

When I got pregnant with my daughter, my dad said, "was it intentional?", and my mom said "oh no".

Yeah...these are my parents. Which is why we are now vvvvvvvvvVLC.

My suggestion (should you be seeking it) is to have *very low* expectations of them, and *do everything you can* to stay happy and healthy during your pregnancy and beyond.

Wishing you all the best,

MIB

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Sidney37

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2020, 10:26:01 AM »
Congratulations!  I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant due to abdominal surgery years prior.   I got pregnant sooner after my wedding than we expected and PDm  had all sorts of negative comments to make about how wrong I was  about my medical condition and how wrong the doctors were.  I was living in a major  city and the line was always, “I thought there were good doctors there.  What kind of terrible doctors did you pick?”   When I had very bad morning sickness she criticized all of the things that I must have done to cause it.   Then she would say, “well you’re the one who got pregnant.  I never thought you should have a baby!”   :aaauuugh:

I was an only child. When I got pregnant with my second she told me that I wasn’t a good enough mother to one or that I couldn’t “handle” one (my first had an undiagnosed health issue that made parenting extremely frustrating and exhausting) and that I had no business being pregnant with a second.  She takes any decision that is different than hers as a dig and a threat.  It was a birth control fail and they told all of their conservative church friends who didn’t believe in birth control that I was only pregnant because the pill failed.  They said it with me standing nearby when I came to town to visit.   The looks I got were terrible.  Then when I  told them at dinner that I was pregnant with a boy she got all upset in front of DD that she  had a girl (me), doesn’t like boys (gave examples of how she favored girl cousins unfairly) and could never love a boy baby.   She went on and on to DD about how DD will always be her favorite, that she only had one baby, DD’s mommy should have made the same decision, DD’s would have to share her mommy now with as boy (Ugh, the horror).  I went to the bathroom at the restaurant and cried. 

We incorrectly assumed those comments stopped then because we didn’t hear them again in front of DD.    Nope, they continued in private from PDm to DD for 10+ years.   We spent years in therapy trying to understand why DD seemed to hate her brother.  We struggled to reduce the mean behavior and hateful words from DD to DS.   We went NC with PDm a year ago.   The nastiness stopped on its own in 4 months.  DD is now a teen and has shared the things PDm said to her about how awful DH, DS and I are to PDm and how awful we were to have a second baby.   PDm never would have done that to DD!   :stars: I regret not going NC years before.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2020, 10:30:13 AM by Sidney37 »

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catta

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2020, 08:10:40 PM »
Sidney37 I am also an only child! And it's terrible to be an only child of NPD parents, right?

Telling my parents on Sunday ended up going pretty well, all things considered. They were very shocked-- as in, they did not really react for a full minute or two after we told them I was pregnant. The first things they asked were whether this was a "surprise" (no) and "are you also married?" (no) but my partner and I were able to leverage some of their shock to not dwell on either. I'm not going to let this bring my guard down. I recognize that this is their absolute best behavior and there's nowhere to go but down.

My mom did manage to announce that she was going to be the favorite grandma. It was so expected to me that I didn't even notice (she has always claimed that the mother's parents are the more important grandparents). My partner pointed it out because he thought it was rude to say in front of him. After we got off the phone, they called their friends and then texted me about how happy each of them was for me. They didn't tell any of my aunts and uncles-- so now I know how people rank on the narcissistic supply chain.

The worst part now is that they text me every day and ask me how I am (which under normal circumstances would never, ever, ever happen. Even when I have been seriously ill.) They say things like "all that matters is that you and the baby are healthy," which makes my stomach curdle. I knew this would happen, but it still makes me incredibly angry that they are able to take satisfaction over my pregnancy, when to me, my pregnancy represents overcoming a gigantic personal hurdle created by their poor parenting.

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p123

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2020, 03:38:38 PM »
Last time was classic.

We were "older" parents shall we say. We already had a 10 year old son. Wife was 40 at the time - ok not that bad!
So we tell Dad.

First thing he says "What? What on earth are you doing that for?" Then we had a 10 minute rant about how "babies cost money", "we're both so selfish and need our heads looking at". Then he left the best of all until last "So was it planned?".

My wife just sat there open-mouthed and in shock.....

To this day, hes never ever bothered with out kids ever. Its all about him. I realised that another baby was like putting a barrier between me and him. It was something else that I had to devote time too when - as he always does - he wants all my time devoted to him and his needs (that he has in his head).

Daugher is 6 now. A real lovely little girl. He still is not interested. I used to take her to visit him - sometimes I had no choice since wife was working. One day he actually said "so why did you have to bring her?"

My wife doesnt speak to him now. It all started from this and this is her main issue. I guess you can see why. (BTW - I fully support and understand her decision on this).

OP - Hope it works out better for you. Congrats BTW.

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p123

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2020, 03:44:12 PM »
Sidney37 I am also an only child! And it's terrible to be an only child of NPD parents, right?

Telling my parents on Sunday ended up going pretty well, all things considered. They were very shocked-- as in, they did not really react for a full minute or two after we told them I was pregnant. The first things they asked were whether this was a "surprise" (no) and "are you also married?" (no) but my partner and I were able to leverage some of their shock to not dwell on either. I'm not going to let this bring my guard down. I recognize that this is their absolute best behavior and there's nowhere to go but down.

My mom did manage to announce that she was going to be the favorite grandma. It was so expected to me that I didn't even notice (she has always claimed that the mother's parents are the more important grandparents). My partner pointed it out because he thought it was rude to say in front of him. After we got off the phone, they called their friends and then texted me about how happy each of them was for me. They didn't tell any of my aunts and uncles-- so now I know how people rank on the narcissistic supply chain.

The worst part now is that they text me every day and ask me how I am (which under normal circumstances would never, ever, ever happen. Even when I have been seriously ill.) They say things like "all that matters is that you and the baby are healthy," which makes my stomach curdle. I knew this would happen, but it still makes me incredibly angry that they are able to take satisfaction over my pregnancy, when to me, my pregnancy represents overcoming a gigantic personal hurdle created by their poor parenting.

Sorry didnt see this. Glad it wasnt that bad.....

Why on earth to parents think they've got a right to the details? i.e. is it planned? Jeez  none of your business at all.
Same with being married? Does it matter? None of your business parents - its up to me.

I feel sorry for those with religious parents too. Jeez that winds me up totally.... (My Dad is bad enough with his views on same sex which he says is a sin because the bible says so)

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Fiasco

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #15 on: May 16, 2020, 05:03:40 PM »
Catta in some ways dealing with this nonsense now, and seeing exactly who your parents really are, is a gift. Their rudeness, selfishness and intrusiveness are who they authentically are and it’s good to be able to deal with it now while you don’t have a little one in your arms quite yet. By the way I love that your partner called your mom out on her “favorite grandma” bs. Awesome!

Shut them down now. They’re texting you daily? Put them on silent and only answer one every two weeks or whatever seems reasonable. They’re running their mouths about you? Good chance to learn and practice the very wise saying that what other people think of you is none of your business.

Congratulations and you’ll do great. You’re already here in this awesome community!


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catta

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #16 on: May 19, 2020, 09:15:19 PM »
Oops, just an update to let you know that my mom texted me today to tell me to make sure I'm taking care of "our" baby (as in, her and my dad's baby)

 :applause:

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Sidney37

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2020, 09:52:44 PM »
Oh Catta.  Being an only child makes it worse, I think. 

The “favorite grandparent” comment was made already?   :stars:   My PDm  was determined to be the favorite grandparent, too.  She insisted it was because the other grandmother had more children and grandchildren so PDm  was worried that my kids wouldn’t want to visit her because it wouldn’t be as much fun.  It wasn’t the fun that caused ithem not to want to visit in the end.  It was the manipulation and PD behavior.

I’ve told this story before here.  I’m not sure if you’ve heard it.   PDm was determined to be the favorite grandparent  to my kids by buying the best Christmas and birthday gifts.   She couldn’t afford to outdo Santa, but wanted to buy the most wanted gift that was in her reasonable price range.   It also had to be the largest gift so the package was bigger than everyone else’s.  This happened over the course of about 10 years.   She started by insisting that DH ask his parents what they were buying for our kids so she “didn’t buy the same thing” and disappoint them.  Once DH and MIL got annoyed and refused to tell her, she wanted me to ask.  I offended MIL by asking and then I refused, too.   PDm was furious.    Then PDm wanted me to open the gifts that MIL sent to my kids and rewrap them before Christmas so she could go out and buy better/bigger gifts.  I refused.   She flipped out and threatened that she would just send gift cards, which she personally hates because she wants the biggest and most exciting gift given to an adult to be given to her as well.   She hates to receive a gift card. My kids like gift cards, do it wasn’t the terrible punishment she thought it was.    All to attempt to be the favorite grandparent.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2020, 09:55:22 PM by Sidney37 »

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AD

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #18 on: May 21, 2020, 01:30:46 PM »
My sibling gave our parents a present with a picture frame (I can't remember the details, but something as a "surprise, you'll be grandparents!" message).

I don't know if PD F said anything, but apparently EN M just stared at it and eventually said "I never thought I'd be a grandmother". Which....she wasn't very old at the time, and has two children, both young, and neither of whom had declared that they never wanted kids..... so chances are she may have a grandchild one day?

It was one of those things, aside from not ever reacting in a proper way to things, made me realize how nothing is ever discussed and assumptions are just made. I said something to her after about how neither of us had ever declared that we would never have kids, and she had never asked, so why would she assume that? She made a comparison to someone else we know who chose not to have kids - apparently because this other person had chosen not to, the same had to be the case for my sibling and I?

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starshine23

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Re: Telling my NPD parents I'm pregnant -- what's your story?
« Reply #19 on: May 21, 2020, 10:12:24 PM »
I waited until after the 3rd trimester.  My Nmom was nonplussed... both times.
It takes strength to be a good person.  That's why the biggest bullies are truly the weakest cowards.