BPD brother making life impossible

[The_Eye]

Hello there, I just need some advice on how to handle my sibling who has BPD and ASPD .

Basically he got stopped by the police the other day, and he resisted and he ended up in a physical fight (nothing serious, enough to being charged).
Now he' really really nervous about it, and seems like he's trying to manipulate my parents  ( asking them to go in court to give evidence of wisdom, coming out with 'stories' to justify what he did ).

I'm almost going no contact with him since last year, I just limit my conversation to neutral sentences.
However if he needs me he will resort to try and push his distorted vision of the event on me, and he could
DEMAND that I help him.

Of course I don't want to get involved in his drama AT ALL, since he basically asked for trouble, plus this is not the first time he fights with the authority .
The problem is, if he enters my room, my heart rate goes really UP, and I get a huge FIGHT OR FLIGHT response, that in the past triggered a physical fight.

Breathing doesn't help, in fact I noticed I hold my breath when he's around, waiting for him to say something really nasty / ambigous / critical.

How can I control my heart rate / anxiety without resorting to meds ?
Thanks a lot for your patience !

[guitarman]

If you are living with your brother that must be very difficult for you.

You stated that your brother started a fight with the police but nothing serious enough to get him charged but he's going to court? How can that be?

I've found that learning to always stay calm helps me not to get on my uBPD/NPD sister's emotional rollercoaster with her. You can't control or change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change and control your own. That can be very freeing and empowering to realise.

I also practice Mindfulness meditations daily. That helps me to become aware of my thoughts and feelings and how my body reacts. We learn to live in the present not the past or the future. We learn to notice our breathing. I have posted about free Mindfulness sessions on the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum.

Abusers are all about power and control. You do not have to do anything that you don't want to do. You have choices. You can calmly say "No". You don't have to JADE that is Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself. Keep things simple and short. "No" is a complete sentence. Stay calm no matter what happens.

Getting angry or shouting can eventually lead to violence as you have found out. Your brother may provoke you to become angry with him.

There are consequences to your brother's behaviour. He may have to face those alone. That is his problem not yours. You are not responsible for his behaviour. Observe don't absorb. Learn to calmly detach yourself from him. Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

You need more support. Please find more help online and find a support line you can call. If you are frightened and feel threatened by you brother you need help. Can you fit a lock on your door? You need to feel safe and be safe.

You need to build up your own self esteem and learn to become more assertive by calmly talking more about your feelings.

You are not alone.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

X

[The_Eye]

Thanks for your kind answer.

You stated that your brother started a fight with the police but nothing serious enough to get him charged but he's going to court? How can that be?

well by 'nothing serious' I meant that no-one was harmed, but he broke the law, that's for sure.

Abusers are all about power and control. You do not have to do anything that you don't want to do. You have choices. You can calmly say "No". You don't have to JADE that is Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself. Keep things simple and short. "No" is a complete sentence. Stay calm no matter what happens.

well, yes I've learned about the JADE on this website and it was useful. Actually I'm applying many techniques that are working, I'm really detached and living my life, and there is no imminent danger. It's just my anxiety, sometime my mind start creating "what if" scenarios, and I start to think of imaginary conflicts. That's it.

Now I'm doing much physical activity during the day, so things are going better, and I listen to good music which is similar to Mindfulness I think.......

[nanotech]

I don't know if I'm on the wrong track here, but when my older sister used to stay out all night my parents used to come into my bedroom and yell at me about it.
I used to feel uneasy and guilty.
I was 12.
I subsequently spent the next 40 years of my life feeling responsible for her problems. At one point I could have lost my marriage because of it.  No thanks from the sister of course. She spent most of that time being nasty or giving me the silent treatment.
I'm now non -contact.
Try to detach from it as much as possible. Think, 
'What will be will be' rather than ' what if'.
Eckart Tolle in The Power of Now talks about the present moment as being the only reality. Trying to anticipate or guess what will occur in the future is not sensible.
The future doesn't exist yet. Something that doesn't exist can't possibly be dealt with now.

Something I've also learned in my life, is that nothing is ever either as good, or as bad as it promises to be.
Court will come and court will go. What anxiety can do is to encourage catastrophising, and that can make us even more anxious.
Everything will work out for the best.
Another good book is ' The Art if Not Giving a F***.
It discusses how we try to avoid problems, and how we see having problems as being an indicator that we've somehow failed, when in fact we should approach problems positively as a series of challenges that truly everyone has.

It's when we resist or deny  a problem that difficulties really begin. We have to acknowledge that something happened,not worry and just look to see if anything can be done.
In this case you will be able to see that it's not your problem, and that the thing to do is to detach.

Don't worry about what your parents may or may not be doing for him come the court case. That's their stuff, not yours.

If anyone makes you feel as if it's your stuff then that's enmeshment, and it's unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Have your own personal space in the house. If you don't feel like talking to your brother, make something up/ go out/ pretend you are on the phone/ be asleep/ be in the bath - you get the gist. You are not a sitting duck for his drama. Or just say you don't feel like talking. Whatever you need to do, do that. You know what will work with your brother.
It took me decades to learn that I could tell the odd white lie to preserve my sanity. We've been brought up to be honest and open but this works well for them, not us.
We end up having to carry the emotion for the whole family. We end up JADING and FIXING  then getting scapegoated anyway.
The music is a grand idea!

[The_Eye]

Try to detach from it as much as possible. Think, 
'What will be will be' rather than ' what if'.
Eckart Tolle in The Power of Now talks about the present moment as being the only reality. Trying to anticipate or guess what will occur in the future is not sensible.
The future doesn't exist yet. Something that doesn't exist can't possibly be dealt with now.

Something I've also learned in my life, is that nothing is ever either as good, or as bad as it promises to be.
Court will come and court will go. What anxiety can do is to encourage catastrophising, and that can make us even more anxious.
Everything will work out for the best.
Another good book is ' The Art if Not Giving a F***.
It discusses how we try to avoid problems, and how we see having problems as being an indicator that we've somehow failed, when in fact we should approach problems positively as a series of challenges that truly everyone has.

I think I'm learning to accept that everyone has to face his personal 'journey' and it's not my business to 'educate' anybody on what they should / shouldn't do. Honestly when I posted the thread I was a bit desperate / anxious, but making lots of physical activity and watching concerts videos has cleared my mind, luckily.

I think I will re-read "The Power of Now", which I found a really good book, but it's been a long time since I first read it. For people like me, it's really hard to stop thinking about the future, and so the Mindfulness might be really a life saver.